I haven’t updated in a while because things were getting better, but recently I have been having some real issues again. I tried for the last while to keep looking forward and keep going but now even the kindest acts have turned into hurtful things. My good intentions hurt people and when I keep to myself I am constantly pestered by my friends for being antisocial. My parents make me feel like crap constantly like I am not good enough, they are completely against everything i believe in and it bugs me. I really don’t know what to do at this point, I sort of just want to disappear.
thinking about it
run run run dont look back just run, until you get somewhere. maybe you’ll reach that place where you really feel fine and dandy, maybe not, but atleast you’ll be getting yourself out of this fucking hell hole. just maybe.
Thats what I started writing when i tried to update my facebook status. I really wonder what do i do from here, Im stuck in this loop of feeling fine and then feeling crapy. im fourteen and im stuck.
I really try hard but i end up failing my self and im just so tiered all the time, i dont know what to do, maybe ending it will be the best for everyone. Ill be able to release my self from this misery and others wont have to listen to my troubles any more. If i end it i wont be able to hurt anyone or my self anymore. Just maybe.
Is it strange to spend most of your time secluding your self in dark rooms, when you long to be with people and you are afraid of the dark. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
Its strange, you read about people who hurt themselves and want to die and you thing “thats a bunch of bull, no one in the right mind would do that.” As far as I can tell i am in the right mind. I try to act normal and cheerful, and people don’t seem to notice how i’m feeling because thats how i have always hidden it. Some days i let my wall come down a little and people ask me whats wrong, and immediately a cover up and return to my usual, fake self.
Compared to most people i’m nothing, i’m a lier who tells herself she is going to do something but never does it. I lie to others about my self, and a betray others to fit in. I just feel alone.
I hate to complain but after 14 years of life nothing has lifted me, it seems I was happier as a kid. I always push others away, yet I long to have friends. My best friend in elementary school, I suspect, never really liked me, and although I long to have close friends, it seems as if as soon a i think i’m close with someone they stop “liking” me.
Guys don’t like me, probably because i’m not the prettiest girl and I act a little emotionless around them. When ever i get close with I guy, I end up screwing it up. I dote on the past too much, i think i’m falling for the guy i liked in elementary school, again. The last guy I liked if my friend, but it seems as if he doesn’t notice.
Why don’t people see themselves, as they are? Why do people lie to themselves?
I’m a bit of an oxymoron, I think i’m scarred of leaving my little bubble, my own world. I long to speak my mind and to hear the truth from others, but at the same time I am terrified of it. I feel alone and I hate it, but when i’m around people I want to be alone. I’m scarred of dieing, it probably wont lead me to any better place, it will just be a waist, and the worst thing is i’m reluctant to live.
I hate decisions, they always end up badly. I just want to sleep it off, but i can’t seem to fall asleep. I’m scared of what is happening to me, is this normal for a 14 year old.