I just cant explain it, I feel like I used to be so much more as a kid, so much better as a person. I used to like what I was, self respect and self trust were still real. I really hate who I have become, I used to think I was a diamond in the rough, now im deffinately not. Im still such a hipocrite. So much thought, I got my hands on a nice amount of great weed so ive just been stoned for 3 weeks now but hey, I figured out a method to keep from ever running out, so heres to being stoned for the rest of my days
On the search for finding truth, how can you recognize the truth as truth, if you are searching for something that you don’t know?
My best friend stayed with me for 20 days, We were high the entire time laughing and listening to the radio, and watching cartoons, when he left it smashed my heart in half I was just coming down and the whole thing felt like I time warped through it all. My plan was to kill myself after my friend left, I made the most of the time but now the moment is on me, it warped so fast I cant believe it. Even seeing the names of any shows I watched with him makes my heart clench up, He doesnt expect it, I didnt realize how lonely I was isolating every day, It hurt so bad when he left and I cant help but imagine how many times over It will hurt him to hear I killed myself. That thought repeating combined with time warping and being burned out beyond belief but completely unable to sleep has left me, completely losing it crying screaming at my wall. I realize that I want to live I just want to be happy and healthy. I try to cry for help, my parents cant do anything I have nobody to ask for help. The isolation is setting in infinately harder than before. What the hell can I do, go to doctors to have them tell me im physically fine and that my symptoms are in my mind?, Or therapy where I can talk about my mind for an hour. I still want to fully open up but I cant seem to find anybody to do that with, Time has never moved slower Ive almost stabbed myself from desperate impulse twice today. I really have heard it all, Nothing ive tried has worked, what do you do with a bad hand of cards? fold. I dont know what im asking the most anybody here can do is say that they are sorry. I just have absolutely nobody else to talk to and im attempting to lessen the isolation if at all possible. Still suggestions and ideas are welcome, I would try anything at this point. I want to figure out the answers, the problems I have keep me from being able to think so the problems keep me from ever getting help. I get suggestions like, go outside and meet people or exercise more, but how am I going to socialize when I cant handle being around people, and exercise when I feel sick. This is why I am becoming convinced that there is literally no way that I will ever get any better because only the person can help themselves. I cant help myself with this sick mind. I still wonder if I did somthing to deserve to be tortured, or if the universe is really is a machine, like a fan running, constant uncaring and always the same. And there is always that part that I cant describe, the worst part of it all, the feeling of never being able to relax or slow down, like there is itching powder on my body and mind. Why every minute feels so long. and how I cant explain that I cant get into my mind, and I cant get out of it. And why cant I kill myself, I cant stand it everyday im past all I can possibly handle, Imagine that you are being tortured past your pain threshold always but that still doesnt stop it, just because you cant handle it doesnt mean it will stop. I want nothing more than suicide my interests hobbies goals are all suicide, but I still cant do it thinking about my friend. I cant live and I cant die so what do I do, wait out everyday waiting for nothing without any hope left, without anything In life I enjoy left just constant physical and mental pain? The mind controls pain, maybe my mind is just constantly sending me burning pain siginals for no reason, either way I truly hope that I can kill myself out of love for myself.
Nothing is comfy to me, everything burns me. Thinking about past friends makes my heart break and thinking of all that could have been, makes me burn inside. I have the problem with no solution. The withdrawls are making the seconds which usually feel like minutes feel like hours. Waiting for nothing constantly. Still cant accept that I have to kill myself even though I know it. Maybe the doctor was right, the symptoms of feeling sick everyday are somatic, either way I feel it so real or not, its real. I feel fadingly disconnected from my own mind, I feel like I need to scream for help but there is nobody to ask. Ive been away in my head too long, I have to recreate myself completely and I can’t do it. People just dont see that im not ok at all and its not a mood. I still don’t feel that I can ever communicate what I need to. Spent many hours with a blade to my throat begging for my life back to nothing that responded . I don’t see how suicide can be wrong since there is no other option i see. I think about all of the good times I have had before and the friends ive had, and I want nothing more than to hold onto life and live it. I had the plan to shoot myself but my friend had a plane trip to visit for 20 days and being my best friend I figured I should spend that with him before I kill myself. I started buying as much weed as possible while he was here to make it bearable and to make myself some fun to be around. I figured out it was laced after a few days when I started waking up every morning at 7am shaking and trying not to vomit, Still kept buying the weed and now im trying to quit after being stoned for 20 days nonstop, the complete rockbottom low feeling is insane. I truly want recover my life but I am completely lost, I have nothing. I want to ask for help but I dont know what that means or who to ask. Its all hitting me at once, the mistakes ive made, all the good times that I miss, the friends that I used to have.
I’m back for a short while, is anybody I know still here
It really feels like my brain is corroding, I shake my head violently in some sad attempt to “wake up” I feel like i am always trapped in a dream state, spacing out. Been physically sick for around 2 years now, unsure of what the cause is, ive been to many doctors, had many tests done, they cant find anything. what can i do if I still feel sick constanly but doctors cant solve it? what else is there to try? ive gone through my head endlessly making lists of the symptoms and trying to put together some diagnosis but I cant figure it out
Seriously? Thats just wonderful
I feel like a slave against an invisible enemy, I feel so controlled and contained. Once you are beaten down nothing has to hold you down, to keep you down. I feel so lost, there has to be an answer. If I was in a prison, or a slave I would know who my enemy is and plan and fight, but I feel like I can’t distinguish what the hell is going on. Am I free? I can’t answer that, I don’t really know. If anybody knows anything I really need to know.
I have a seriously sick mind, I am so fucking glad mind reading isnt real! I am not a bad person though, because I might think fucked up things but that doesn’t mean I would ever do them.
Question time, ask me a question.
I a blocked in at all angles: too depressed to do anything, too anxious around people to have any social contact, although I am painfully lonely, too pessimistic to see anything good, too high strung to ever relax, too damaged to function, and I feel sick all the time, my head and stomach always burning, I always feel nauseous and dizzy. Yet I never seem to be able to manage to kill myself. Every method I have available seems bad. I have tried everything, meds, acupuncture, bath salts, exercise, ect. Even the doctors I go to ask me what I think there is left to try. I want so badly to fix my stomach problems, and whatever the hell is wrong with my head, but countless doctor visits with no answers about it leave me hopeless
The realization that there are so many options that I can never have, no desires in the world, alive because I am not dead. All false hope I cast away to find the truth, I destroyed all normal development, social skills, parties, life. I am getting closer, closer to responsibility that I will never upheld. I am truly broken, unable to feel joy, the beautiful sunrise seen through faded eyes. Unable to be fixed, I accept death before symptom management.
Just a reminder nbarules is a mor(m)on and tries to make people here feel worse. Hey nba http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5x_-IoeSB-A&feature=related seriously!
Funny thing is the way I found this site was I searched on google “Methods for suicide”
I have to clean the infection out of the wound before I can allow it to heal, Even if it already scabbed over I would have to reopen it to clean it, although it never healed.
Check out this song, you will absolutely love it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSiyA1cLTWQ
I’ve had physical problems for a while (stomach and head) My stomach hurts all the time and my head always aches and I have constant dizziness and headaches . I’ve been to doctors and they find nothing. I’ve read a few places that built up anger and depression can cause physical problems. Is that true? Any experience? Also A few years ago I took around 100 tylenol and 50 asprin and realized that it was a bad method and went to the hospital, drank charcol ect. They said I didn’t damage my insides but I think my stomach had problems a month after that so I’m wondering if if it is possible that I did damage it what can I do to heal it?
I can’t even believe it, the complete level of stupidity in humanity. Society fucks the world up and ruins life for everybody who actually thinks, then people say “suicide is the cowards way out” Here are the arguments for why suicide is wrong 1) God says its wrong 2) Life is precious 3) Think of your parents 4) Its not your life to take its god’s 1- Some invisible all powerful wizard will be mad at me okay sure. 2 Life is not precious if you cannot enjoy it 3- They are the reason I even have to kill myself, so thinking about their feelings is a joke 4- Again invisible sky wizard. I get so mad when people actually insult people who are suicide or people who have died from suicide. That shows how stupid people really are. I try to find the truth in life but it is buried. The worst though is that after abuse, hatred, pain, and finally a suicide attempt you go into a mental “treatment” place and the staff there don’t even care. That is the all time fucking worst that the place to help abused people is run by abusive people.
I just realized that its weird that I am scared/sad to die. I don’t even like the world, Its not like a kid leaving a water park, death is like leaving the Dentist office
to die. So I’m pretty sure I’m done I am very serious but can’t become 100% certain. I can’t function around people, I have been deeply depressed for around 7 years, My motivation in life is to hurt those who hurt me nothing more and nothing less. I have no real goals or dreams in life, I have been on alot of medication, tried everything, have no reason to live and am almost sure I am incapable of love or happiness or even being content. I don’t want to live in any society and I wont do anything I don’t want to. I don’t want a relationship and I never will. I don’t want life. My brain has become fucked up from the disease of humanity and all the countless hours of pondering and trying to find the answers to everything have led me to the fact that there will never be any answers. I can’t imagine getting up everyday for work and I won’t ever have to. I put a cap on my life saying If I’m not okay by a certain age then I’m done and I have almost reached that cap. My therapist says that most patients with my problems 10 20 30 years later are either miserable or dead. Nobody at all has anything useful to say to me and as a result of constant searching and listening I have heard all the advice and Ideas that exist, I have heard and studied every point of view there is. I know too much and could never be content with anything life has to offer. I feel my apathy growing and I’m slowly losing all concern for everything. I can’t believe I don’t even care about humanity but especially my dog. I can’t cry ever. The reason I am alive is not to help others its not because of goals or dreams, its not because of blood and organs, its because of rage pure rage, I’m alive because I can’t die without hurting the people I hate. It seemed so surreal and hit me when I thought I could hurt myself and stop my own existence. I always knew and thought that but it wasn’t a thought it was in a feeling. It made me sad so I tried to make a list of things that I would regret missing if I died in 10 minutes, but I couldn’t come up with a single thing that doesn’t involve revenge. I wish I had time to think it over and really give alot of thought to my suicide, but I am physically sick and I have been to every doctor searching for what is wrong and none could ever find anything. I can’t stand the constant sickness on top of the nihilism and depression and the complete inability to ever be around anybody else. I get paranoid at night and can’t go outside because of people during the day so I am fucked by something at every hour of the day. Its all internal nothing external could change a thing. My parents refuse to talk to me about any of it and avoid me if I try to mention it. I am left with no options in life and I have to kill myself. I’m not sure why I’m bothering to write all this, because I’m not looking for reasons to live. I will never be okay and it feels like I have brain damage but my parents refuse to let me get a scan so I will never know for sure. I am so deep into my effects of social isolation that I don’t know If I could ever function around a person again. I am so fucked that I lay in bed all day and all I have to do all day long is get up and feed the dogs and more than half the time I don’t and make my parents do it when they get home. Nothing comforts me I even feel sick from eating. My stomach is messed up and I can’t find out what is wrong with it, My head always hurts and when I stand up I have to grab somthing because I feel like I will fall. Constantly dizzy and feel in a constant thick fog like I can never think of anything. I can’t think of any reason to live and even if I was mentally and physically fine I still would hate the world and want to die. I’m either going 30 feet long drop hanging or if possible shotgun to head