All men are mortal
Some men die old from age
Some men die of their own choosing to escape the hardship of life
Some men are murdered
and some men die courageously for their own principles
I hope to be one of these to die as I live; courageously
I did something that was really hard for me yesterday. I went car shopping. Only to find out the money I had was no good and you need at least 5,000 dollors to put down on a car to get anything worthwhile that will last a while. Just another way society just points at me and says you don’t belong here. Your money is not useful like everyone else’s. No one needs you. You’re a nuisence, get out. All those things pop into my head when I try to do anything. Seriously feeling like getting the amonia from the closet and drinking it. I can’t find any peace in my life or anywhere I can go. I hope I don’t get band from this website when I’ve been band from countless others. Society rejects me in its entirety even other suicidal people don’t want to hang out with me. Death seems like the only idea that will solve everyone’s hatred of me. Especially my husband and son’s hatred of me. Termoil fills my home I really wish I didn’t make everyone so angry all the time. I don’t know what to do. I wish I had a home worth looking forward to comming to, filled with people who love me. But that is something I’ve never had and probably will never have.
Today I lay awake trying to will myself to my chores, with a man whom I am not inspired by, with a child I have no motherly passion for I do today entertain my weary mind while I work with the song of the shirt.
With fingers weary and worn, With eyes heavy and red, A woman sits in unwomanly rags, Plying a needle and thread, In poverty hunger and dirt, She lifts her head and sings the song of the shirt
“Work Work Work
While the cock is crowing in the dawn on the roof
and Work Work Work
Till the stars shine on the roof
To this life I am a slave
With never a soul to save
Work Work Work
Till the brain begins to swim
Work Work Work
Till my eyes grow heavy and dim
Sew and stitch and button and seam
Till over buttons I fall asleep
And sew them on in a dream
Work Work Work
my labor never flags
and what are its wages?
barely any rest and rags,
what is hear that I have to show a broken table and broken chair
A wall so blank
My shadow I thank for sometimes falling there
Work Work Work
In dull December light
Work Work Work when the weather is warm and bright
While underneath the eaves
The brooding swallows cling
as if to show me their sunny backs
and taunt me the spring
Oh I wish I could breathe a breath
of spring air warm and sweet
with sky above my head and grass below my feet.
For only one short hour
I wish to feel as I used to feel
Before I knew the woes of want
And the walk that costs a meal.
I wish I could only acquire one short hour
A respite however brief
but there is no time for love or hope,
Only time for grief
A little weeping would ease my heart,
in my bed,
but my tears must stop for every drop
Hinders my needle and thread.
I’ve always lived my life for others……… Its hard to keep doing after 22 years of it…….. I tried to kill myself last week by jumping into a lake in the middle of the night……….. I was hoping I’d freeze and die…………….. but I didn’t…………. I realized I had done everything I had planned to do in my life……………So why can’t I be happy with it? I have a 3 year old son now………….. I saved my husband when I met him from ending his life……………. and I gave him my life………… I try to give him everything and anything to make him happy because I feel like if I could just save one person in this world isn’t that good enough?  But, I find my life unfulfilling and sad.  I used to come here a lot when my son was 16 to 17 months………….. Just looking to reach out because I was reaching the end of my rope……..because I feel like even though I give a lot no one loves me back…………. I found a place online to talk and meet other depressive people and chat…………. I started having emotional affairs…………….but I felt guilty doing that to my husband so I rejected many people because of my loyalty to him…………. I finally found someone who said all the things to me a lover should say and that they were going to give me the world and save me…………So I told my husband I was going to leave him for this person………….and …………. He started to cry and told me I was the only one who loved him and the only reason he is still alive that I am his drug and I fill him up and he had no idea how unhappy I was………….So then he tried to do things better for me………….so I felt bad told the person I was talking to, to back off………………then when my husband got comfortable again he reverted back to only caring about himself………….and with my father moving away no longer speaking to me and my mother being who she is and now people withdrawing from me all at once I fell depressed hard and I felt completely hopeless………………So I drove to the lake and striped and walked in and let the freezing cold waters bite at my body………………..But, when I emerged something happened……………..I was not dead nor freezing……………..I was numb…………………..then I thought of my whole life in that moment…………….I am doing what I set out to do and no matter how I want to be the one who is loved and catered to that is just not going to happen……………..I don’t know who has done this but someone has taught my son to say hateful things toward me……………….I suspect my mother inlaw is behind it……………. she never thought I belonged in here family and yet doesn’t even see how close her own son was to death………………So I take it in stride……………..I won’t try to escape any longer………………. I HAVE DECIDED………………….. I will just give till the end………………… I promised to save this man……………… my husband………………… and I will love him till he loves me no more……………………………….he is already considering taking a mistress cause he is unhappy with me………………. but that is my lacking of giving and I know I must try harder to love even when there is no love to be found……………. Love, unless I make it will never exist for me…………… It never existed in my childhood and it doesn’t now………………. So I must make it………………. I will give and give to my family and remain in the dark…………………………….
and so
Repunzel gives in,
lays on the floor and clutches the stones
she closes her eyes no longer awaiting her prince
only seeking solace, looking to become the air around her
become the earth under her
her tears be swept to the sea among the clouds
There she will lie still never singing or wishing again
Rapunzel’s wish for an external savior is gone
She seeks only now to dissipate into the natural world from whence she came.
It doesn’t matter to the sun. If I go or if I stay. The sun will rise like its just another day. It doesn’t matter to the sun no it only matters to me. It doesn’t matter to the world if I jump or if I drown. It will just keep turning round, turning round like it did the day before. It doesn’t matter to the world no. It only matters to me. It doesn’t matter to the moon if I cry tonight alone. That moon will just keep hanging round, hanging round, shine on some other woman’s dreams. You see it doesn’t matter to the moon no, it only matters to me. It doesn’t matter to one’s I love if I die or if I live.  They are only concerned with what I have to give. It doesn’t matter to the love one’s it only matters to me. So what can I say what can I do. I’m too afraid to act afraid to do. If I’m dead already what can I do? Death’s not the end of the world no its just the end of mine.
Finally the physical is matching the way I feel within. My car broke down shortly after a spinal injury followed by my computer breaking down so its hard to even be here. I’m dying whether by my own hand or just my will. It’s coming I can feel it deep in my bones its time to go all I have to do now is sleep and let the death take me. Good bye to all who loved me to all whom I love. Everything dies its just my time now. I’m dieing farewell.
I have a family so I should be happy but I wasn’t. I had an affair it should’ve made me happy but it didn’t. I told a friend about the affair. He told me that isn’t a proper affair. That he would show me what love really means. He did, I fell in love. I wanted to sneak away on a vacation to meet him and date. But, if I go anywhere without my family’s permission they would disown me and keep me from my child. So for a day I deliberated try for a chance at happiness or stay in misery for your family’s sake. I decided try for the affair. I was looking up plane tickets on the computer and my son pulled on my sleeve and asked me to play trains with him. I cried because in that moment I realized if I left my husband and my parents for this guy I was never going to see my son again. So I played with him and put him to bed and kissed him. Then I cried and cried and cried. I called up the affair and broke it off. Now any ray of sun shine of love strictly for me is gone. I sacrificed my happiness because I love my son.  But, now its all gone. I know my friends will say I made the right choice pat me on the back and then leave. Just like on the Golden Gate Bridge no one pays any heed to the person about to jump. I’m going to be sad for a long time. I fell hard for this person. I haven’t felt this sad since I lost my house and almost became homeless. I can’t stop crying its all gone.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot.  The story of Rapunzel I mean. Not the Disney one the original.
Her life is sort of how my life was. I never thought I belonged to my mother. I always felt like I was born to some other family and then stolen away by her. The original story of Rapunzel is that when her real mother was pregnant with her she desired to eat the plant rapunzel, which is a desert flower and is a very difficult plant to grow.  The witch Mother Gothel grew a magical magnificent garden with all kinds of plants and flowers. Among them was the rapunzel plant. So the real mother told her husband if she could not eat it she would surely die. So as any loving husband would he risked his life to retrieve the plant. But, he was caught by Mother Gothel. Mother Gothel said, ” In return for not killing you I demand that you give be the newborn child,” and not really understanding that his wife was pregnant he agreed. When the child was born she was stolen by Mother Gothel and grew up in the garden until she became a teenager. She grew with the magic and beauty Mother Gothel put on all the living things in her garden. But she wanted to keep Rapunzel forever. So when Rapunzel came of age she locked her up in a tall tower hidden in the middle of the wilderness with no stair nor door. There was only a window to the outside world and because Rapunzel’s hair had grown so long in strength and beauty it became the only means of entering and exiting the tower. Mother Gothel would visit and care for her but she was sad because she was not fee. She would go to her window every day and sing to the birds who were at times her only friends. One day her voice carried and the Prince happened to be crossing the wilderness and heard her beautiful song. He was drawn by it and followed it to the tower. Then the story takes off where they fall in love, he fights Mother Gothel, Mother Gothel beats up the prince and abandons Rapunzel for being disobedient, Rapunzel finds the prince again cries into his eyes yatta yatta yatta. The end.
But my question is what happens if the prince never comes? What happens if a man makes a deal with Mother Gothel and they both keep Rapunzel prisoner. Or worse what if no one comes at all. The years roll by Rapunzel is singing to her birds. Eventually Mother Gothel dies. Then what? Does she have the courage to cut off her own hair try to survive the wilderness and find civilization? Does she even know if civilization exists? Or does she stay in the tower starving to death singing to her birds for the prince that never comes? Or does a man finally hear her voice when she is on the verge of death and decides she is too ugly and haggard and not worth saving?
I am the Rapunzel who was never rescued and I am too afraid to rescue myself :_(
Hey I’ve just been having a hard time here.  I’m finally financially secure but not emotionally.  My dad thinks I’m fine he used to at least be on the island but has now decided to move to Wyoming.  Not that he has ever really been close to me to begin with but that is just like the nails in the coffin now he really is gone.  My mother is having some stress because her health insurance is no longer going to pay for her psychotherapy treatments and on top of that my stepfather (who I can’t stand by the way) is getting sicker and my mom is worried that he might die. She has been telling me her wish for suicide for weeks and she started cutting again. I can’t take it my parents are all I have.  Well, that’s not true I guess I have my husband and my son but still I shouldn’t have to go through this till I’m 50.  I feel like it is so hard to let go of the people who promise to love unconditionally for the rest of your life. It reminds me of a song.
Why waste more time
there is nothing left
everyone feels sorry for themselves
No one will care
No one will know
everyone just looks out for themselves
But it’s so hard letting go
Letting go of love
And it might cause some pain I know
But pain is all we’ve got
And sometimes pain’s the only way to know
If you can get yourself back up.
I’ve tried the few times when I am alone. To fill up the bathtub sink below the water. Let out all my breath and some how try to find the courage to breath in. As hard as I try I can’t will myself to do it. Why won’t I just die. My husband found me trying to overdose on pain pills Why won’t he let me die I can’t give anymore can’t he see I’m selfish, stupid, worthless, lazy, I’m a bad mother, and have no ability to bridal my emotions why won’t he let me die.
I’ve been replying to people’s posts and I’m getting negative reply’s to my reply’s I’m not gonna do any name calling but there is someone antagonizing me and I thought, wow, even here there are dicks, wow. Thanks guys already want to kill myself thanks for making me feel worse.
I think about how to die all the time. I know my family would be better off with the insurance money than me. But, I also know I can’t escape if I died I would also be just as lonely on the other side. So, instead I’ve been trying to think of ways to destroy my soul because then there would be nothing good nor bad…….. just nothing.