Just a friendly random topic to spark some interest. 🙂
Im a 21 girl that loves video games.
I have changed so much in six years.
It amazes me that people from my past still recognize who I am.
But its clear that people only see the person I have shaped into.
I use to be quite shy, reserved, Â pretty much distant from people. No friends. You know, that one girl.
You will be surprised how far makeup, hair extensions and becoming anorexic can do for someone.
It changes people.
And its awful to say but it sometimes changes for the better.
Because now I am seen as “beautiful”.
If only they knew the frustration I went through to be this terrible conceded girl.
Its still painful.
Because you never can accept yourself. You continue to be your own enemy.
“Hey did you hear about that bridge on road (insert address here)? Its apparently haunted. Yeah a girl committed suicide there. They say you can still hear the echo of her brain matter splatter when her head bounced off the pavement.”
Ok so i am dramatic but for the love of god I dont want to end up being that ONE place that all the drunken teenagers go to see “ghosts”.
This might seem a bit random and down right beside the whole point but has anyone ever thought about putting on like a favorite article of clothing on before you die?
I know its a really odd question but I had thought about it while passing over a bridge.
I figure. Why the hell not? I would go put on my favorite red stilettos and do a majestic leap of faith.
Lol I guess I would look good up until my face hit the pavement.
(Please take no offense in this, Â I am Â just sharing my crazy inner thoughts and treat this forum somewhat like a diary)
So here’s the thing.
Oct 3rd is when I get married and its coming up pretty fast. I know this should be a grandest time in my life but the truth is, I am just not that happy about it.
The man I am marrying is the greatest, generous person in the world. He really is just that wonderful.
But I cheated on him. :\
I am not going to make excuses for what I have done because I was fully aware of what I was doing and wanted to do.
I can honestly say I have never been a cheater. Even with all the shitty ass boyfriends I went through, the urge to “cheat” never crossed my mind.
And what is even more unsual is that I feel absolutely no guilt what so ever. Why is that?
I cry for my partner because I know it would kill him if he knew.
I cry for the fact that the man that I slept with simply used me.
I cry because I still feel lonely.
I cry because I am not marriage material.
I cry because I am so afraid of the future.
I cry over all these other stupid reasons but I do not feel guilty of what i have done and believe me, I know I should.
I have thought that ending my life would be better than my partner finding out, but that is not all of the reason for wanting to end my life.
Loneliness, lack of self confidence, paranoia of the present, the fear of failing, the god damn anxiety attacks, and just the pure sadness of everything makes me want to end it all. The fact that I cheated just puts a big layer of shit flavored icing on the cake.
So today I am trying to buy me some more weed. I feel alittle bit better today. But I know its not from the pot. Granted, it does help SOME what, just not on the level I would like it to.
I had a very disturbing dream last night, which ended up with me sleeping on the most uncomfortable couch ever. Anywho, I dreamed that I was completely ready to die. I had wrote a ten page suicide note explaining why I could not live in constant lonely dispair anymore. I had the pages beside me and a 708 in my hand.
I loaded the chamber, pulled back the bolt and held the gun to my head without hesitation. As I was about to pull the trigger my phone buzzed indicating that I received a text message. It was such a surreal moment. Almost like I was obligated to answer.
Well I read the message. Why? I dont know. I believe IÂ read it because I did not want anything left unsaid.
Oddly enough it was a person I had not spoken to in awhile. And he asked me if I was selling any pills.
By now I had already unbolted the chamber.
I ended up having a super long conversation, completely forgetting about my motive.
I am not sure whether I should take it as some sort of sign or just a crazy vivid dream from being totally blazed.
Either way, it was interesting.
So here recently the thoughts of suicide have been creeping back to my thoughts. And it looks pretty good at this moment.. Over the past couple of weeks I have done the most selfish thing I have ever done. I want go into any detail because its just to entirely long and complicated. I have been crying alot. Which is fine, because I really really do deserve to feel like shit.
Sometimes I really do want to die. Lately I have been driving without a seat belt, with hopes that I wreck. Its pathetic I know. But its the only thing I can think of other than just holding a gun to my head. Which i have done but been to cowardly to follow through..
I have started back smoking because of all the “stress.”
It really does help some.
These are just my lonely ramblings today.
I hope these feelings go away soon.
I do not understand why I keep coming back to this forum.. it is kind of morbid but its almost like being on this site makes me feel better when I get down. I read all these stories and they make me cry. But at the same time they give me some sort of comfort.
If this offends anyone. I do not mean to do so. Im only sharing my thoughts..
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