xxxlonelyxxx

Hey everyone most of you might know some of this but i really just need to get this out. No one really knows some of this stuff in my life but I need to get it off my chest.. I can’t carry this weight forever. and I can’t carry this weight alone. I trust so many of you on this site not to judge me or even respond but just to.. understand. Sorry if this doesn’t make much sense either.. I’m just trying to purge all of this information to maybe make more sense of it.. don’t worry it won’t be too long ill try to make this short..

Okay let me start by saying I had a decent childhood. My mother was verbally abusive and worries too much about weight. I grew up constantly worried about my weight starting in 5th grade. I was chubby and my mom would say I would never have a good life unless I lost weight. she would tell me I would never get a date. she would order for me at restaraunts as to not increase my calorie intake and make me gain weight. in high school I developed an eating disorder which follows me to this day I’ve been hospitalized twice for malnutrition. honestly this made my mother proud..

I met my fiancee in junior year of high school. he was amazing. my everything I was so infatuated with him that it wad crazy. I fell fast and hard.. he helped me out of my eating disorder telling me I was beautiful, the first time id ever heard those words. our relationship was amazing for the next 3 years and then he proposed. I got pregnant. Mother threatened to disown me if I kept the child. I had no money.. he had no money so I decided to have an abortion.

after that things went downhill will me and my fiancee. he started getting angry with me and very controlling. He did mma, muy Thai and Brazilian jui jitsu. he started using his skills against me when he got angry. putting me in chokes, punching, kicking and the worst by far was the throws. he would pick me up and throw me over his shoulder. I was living with him as I got kicked out of my moms house for getting pregnant. I was afraid for my life. after a year of this abuse I decided to get out. my parents helped me move out of his house and they sent me to live with relatives in another state. I miss him. I long for him. he was my everything my whole life yet my biggest nightmare. I feel myself slipping back into the darkness. haven’t eaten for 3 days.. I’ve gotten really good ay faking it. I’m in pain. I want to die but I hope things will get better.. being on this site and meeting people here have helped immensely.. I love you all and I will continue fighting. I don’t have it worse than anyone else here.

this is just my story. sorry. its boring and might be too long. I just want help. I want to finally find someone to love. I don’t even have friends in this state and my parents won’t let me come back.. I need you guys. <3 love you all.