Not sure if thats necessarily a good thing.. I used to live on this forum a few months ago.. I don’t know what changed even. One day I just got confident. I thought I could finally live without these thoughts everyday. I don’t need this forum, I said to myself.
Well here I am again. Lower than I was months ago. I can’t handle this anymore. I have access to a gun now. That’s probably the one good thing about right now. Otherwise I’m completely broken. I just need him. why does god do this? ugh not even god why does MY HEART want him so bad?! its not easy to get over losing your fiancee of 5 years but this pain is worse than I EVER expected. its been months and I can’t stop this pain.I can’t get over the fact that he’s my soulmate. but why does it have to be this way?! he was abusive towards the end of our relationship. I took a few months break. it was horrible. I missed him like hell. now were seeing each other again but he has a handful of other women. he even shows me texts they send him. calling him ‘babe’ and handsome.
I LOVED HIM FIRST. I LOVED HIM 5 FUCKING YEARS AGO WHEN HE WAS GOING THROUGH SO MUCH SHIT NO ONE WANTED TO DEAL WITH IT. but I loved him the minute I saw him. I gave my life to him. now he’s talking about there other women like their 599 times better than me. and I know they are. I know that. for a fact. everyone’s better than me. every girl out there. but I did so much for him. I loved him before he got so fit. I loved him in high school. I want to tell the other girls to back off but.. he even says he wants them. he keeps leading me on. then breaking me down. its the past all over again but I love him. ill put up with it. please, hit me again. please baby. ill do anything for you. anything for you to see that I’m better than them. Ill let you take your anger out. please. its better than not having him in my life. I can’t handle that.
this is long. no one cares. story of my life. ugh I wish I was 97 pounds and gorgeous. I wish I wasn’t so suicidal. Oh well, like I said the only good thing in this situation is I finally have a gun.