I don’t know if anyone else experiences this or is it just me. But sometimes there are some grief and emotions that I don’t deal with right away and they just sit around waiting patiently, giving me enough space to function normally for a while. Sometimes they pile up so high I can’t image ever dealing with them. But then one day when you least expect it, it all comes crashing down. The moment you knew was coming but hoped it will never really come. And I just can’t help it. Tears tears tears.. buckets of tears.. a grief so great that it crushes my chest.. sometimes I struggle to just take a breath.
Some days I feel like my chest is being crushed by all the love and care I would have wanted to give someone. Even now my heart is drowning in a sorrow that has no stars, and no laughter and no sleep.
Some days I wonder if ppl just can’t see how wonderful they really are.. even burned out, or damaged.. There is such beauty in a strong beating heart inside a good person.
I assemble pieces of me life together every morning. Pieces that are so fragile I’m afraid they won’t last for long. They don’t even fit well anymore. There are so many pieces missing,lost some where along the way.
I go through life carefully trying to keep the pieces together.
And every night as I get home the pieces silently fall apart. Maybe tomorrow there will be no more pieces left to assmble.
I’ve always wondered why during my darkest times can I never pick up the phone and call a friend? Is it pride? lack of will? or just plain embarrassment?
I don’t know why the days that I need someone’s help are the days I just wanna lock myself in the room and be alone. It just seems so counterintuitive and yet I do it over and over again.
Why is it that we prefer to suffer alone? Is it just me?
Why is it so scary to admit that you are sad? Sometimes I almost avoid ppl just so they won’t notice how depressed I really am.
Maybe it is just me, but I hardly ever see depressed ppl actively seeking help. What happened to me? Why am I being so illogical? so stupid! how can I let myself suffer like this? Why can’t I pick up the phone? Why can’t i ask for help? Is my life really no longer worth fighting for? What is wrong with me?
Life is such a messy business
I feel like I am always searching for a place to fit in. Just to blend in with all the other people that fit in. But all I manage to do is watch them; Envy them; Pretend that I am like them.
I feels like I am just watching life from behind a glass. I can see what’s going on but I can’t join..I can’t touch them, I am never going to be one of them. There is always Something separating me from them. I don’t exactly know how to describe it. It is invisible and yet when I reach out I can touch it, I can feel it. It confines me.
I feel disconnected and yet I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything else. Perhaps it is me. The glass is not really out there but it is within me.
Everyday a part of me just chips off and soon I will just crumble like dust and fade away. No that is silly. How can I fade away, how can I disappear if I never really existed.
when will it all end? days don’t seem to go by fast enough..the END doesn’t seem to come soon enough. The pain is unbearable.
There is black hole that lives inside me.
It slowly takes away everything. It slowly got bigger and bigger and I feel emptier and emptier. I can feel it crushing my bones, pushing and squeezing my organs.
I don’t remember how I got infected or if it was always there. But now I am filled with emptiness. I know what happiness is, I understand it and I know I will never feel it. There is nothing in this world that I want or that could stop my black hole from devouring me.
I only remember a routine I am suppose to follow to fit in as I become less and less human.
I wake up in the morning, have breakfast, get on the subway, apologise to the person i accidentally elbowed on my way in, do my job, smile, nod and look attentive, listen as they speak and wonder how can so much emotion exist in one person, talk to my co-workers, ask about their weekend, comment about the weather, get home, maybe visit my parents (by obligation), call a friend (again obligation),pretend, pretend, pretend… people talk about how horrible pain is, but what about emptiness?
It is no one’s fault. not you, not me. Well “me” doesn’t really exist any more. “Me” is just a shadow of a person infected with a black hole.
yes fuck you!!!
I see your face when I close my eyes, I hear your voice, you come into my dreams and ……FUCK YOU!!!
The only thing I hate more than you is myself.
I wanna feel good toooooo….
I feel like my life is just a series of bad days strung up together in one endless cycle, I can’t seem to escape.
It is like you wake up with a hang over to realize you’re late. You stub your toe on the way to the bathroom, and you realize there is no hot water for a shower. You get stuck in traffic, then there is no place to park and your boss gives you hell that day. You’re doing a mind numbing, meaningless job to pay the bills for the things you don’t really need. No body gets you at work, you wonder if they even know your name.
you go out with your so called friends that night and you realize you never really connected with them, they don’t even like you.They don’t even like your dress. The guy who is chatting you up is really just trying to get into your pants and probably won’t even call you the next day.
You feeeeel like a shadow.
Finally you stumble back into your apartment,
lonely ..lonely..lonely …lonely…lonely…
You stand outside your balcony and wonder why couldn’t I get an apartment on a higher floor?
The art work on the wall is not even to your taste and the colour of the furniture is making you sick. The illusion is fading away. You sit next to a pile of what was once a dream, staring out of your window at a world u can no longer stand to be a part of. You feel like every particle of your being is slowly fading a away, slowly dissolving as you shower…
The bed invites you to sleep. U wish u could keep your eyes shut forever. No one thing is enough to kill you or a good enough reason to wish yourself dead but when you have to live this day, over and over again it becomes unbearable.
I am Sisyphus, ceaselessly pushing a rock to the top of a mountain only to watch it roll back down again and again. Tomorrow, I;ll do it all over again…
Lonely ..Lonely.. Lonely
This day makes me feel even more alone.
OHHHH I hate love … and I hate not being in LOVE…
should I buy myself some flowers? sure it’s pathetic, but who says I can’y buy myself flowers?
just a short poem I found. I can’t imagine how heart broken and sad the author must have been.
WHEN I am dead and over me bright April
Shakes out her rain-drenched hair,
Though you should lean above me broken-hearted,
I shall not care.
I shall have peace, as leafy trees are peaceful
When rain bends down the bough;
And I shall be more silent and cold-hearted
Than you are now.
You ask :” Hey how are you?”
and just for once I wish I could just say: ” I’m miserable and I wanna die. Every breath is a challenge! My loneliness is endless and there is this black hole at the bottom of my heart that seems to eat away at my soul” Oh what a load off my chest. JUST FOR ONCE, to be completely honest.
But instead I smile and I say”fine!, how are you?”
which is your cue to tell me all about your wonderful weekend. It is all you wanted anyway. I think even if I tell anyone how i truly feel, they won’t even realize what I’ve just said. Everyone is just waiting for their turn to speak….Are you done talking yet?
Today just feels right.
I am calm, I am at peace, and I want to die.
I mean I’ve been thinking about it a lot, I am on a suicide website after all but today it’s different.
I don’t like making decisions when I am angry or sad cuz I’m afraid I might regret it. And normally i don’t make the right choices during a heightened emotional state, but today my mind is clear.
Today everything is clear. I have fully accepted my life, my decisions and how hopeless my future really is. I think that acceptance has given me peace. I never thought pure hopelessness could feel so comfortable. Nothing to hold on to, nothing to miss, there is no hope left. How oddly refreshing not having to worry about my future, I don’t have a future.
I’m just slowly disappearing in this moment, there is no more before or after, nothing to worry about. I don’t even feel depressed. Is this really how it feels like to finally just let go of it all? To just disappear into non-existence?
My letters are written my plan is sitting on the table. A simple decision, and my pain will forever disappear. Actually I am a little disappointed, I thought I will resist this a little more. I thought I will wait until I am 30, I thought I will be crying out loud and make a big fuss. NOPE.
Well just wanted to say this is it. I’m not expecting to get anywhere, hell? heaven? but i guess I’ll find out.
Tomorrow the sun will rise, people are made and destroyed, just another day, I just don’t have to see it, I HOPE.
I’m tired, I QUIT…
So they say, have no expectations and life will be easier. If you have no expectations you can’t get disappointed right?
Well then, if i have no expectations, why would I even bother to get outta bed? If I don’t expect my life to get better, why would I even try? There is no progress without expectation. There will be no Drive.
It makes no sense to me having no expectation, sounds more hopeless than disappointment. To want nothing sound ridiculous.
Help me understand this. Do they just mean to lower your expectations rather than totally eliminate your expectations. Even lowering your expectations seems to show a lack of faith in your own abilities. How is this any better than disappointment?
I don’t think I can ever get rid of depression. Sure I can push it out of my life for a while, but it comes back and finds me and clings to me and the cycle of trying to stay afloat and gasping for air starts all over again. I don’t live, I only go from one depression episode to the next. What happens in between is just enough recovery time to watch myself almost die all over again. I am trapped, I am alone and not alone at the same time. Depression is always with me and it is never going to leave.
I just read the bell jar and i could not believe how accurately it describes the feeling of being alone and never being able to reach out.
â€œTo the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is a bad dream.â€
â€œbecause wherever I satâ€”on the deck of a ship or at a street cafÃ© in Paris or Bangkokâ€”I would be sitting under the same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air.â€
“sour air”, Toxic, just not toxic enough to kill me.
It’s hopeless and simply tiring. What a cruel thing to always live so close to the edge of death but never falling hard enough to die just enough to break my bones, my dreams and my heart.
how foolish to keep going on like this. why keep going at all?
People think deciding to take your own life is easy, like deciding what colour of shirt you wanna buy or what flavour of ice cream you wanna get. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Dying is complicated. I am not talking about the impulsive ones but the ones that take planning and consideration. The ones where you map out exactly what you need to do, how will your family be provided for when you are dead and who will look after your pets. The thought of loved ones finding me dead or hearing about my death has kept me going but not for much longer I can’t bear to feel the way I do any more. It is not easy. The shame of pointing a gun to your own head, the agony of writing a note to your friends and the guilt of leaving them behind and not to mention the pain of dying itself are all the things that run thru my head everyday and they say it is easy??? It is not…. dying is just easier than living cause it has a deadline. I am tired of my miserable existence, I can barely get out of bed. The thought of opening my eyes to see another day turns my stomach… but I think of my parents and they don’t deserve this … but how can I go on like this..I have pretty much cried my eyes out writing this nonsense, people die everyday.. people who don’t wanna die perhaps… death comes for everyone , all I ask is that tomorrow you pick me, so I don’t have to be the one to do it…………..
My heart needs refuge, my mind needs silence and my hands, my hands always empty, wishing one day they can enjoy the taste of affection.
I watch their hands interlock and I wonder if my hands are too small or too ugly to be held. Always cold, always lonely are the knots in my fingers making it impossible for them to properly fit. Do the deep honest lines cut like razors too close to your skin. I wonder, I wonder about all the moments they’ve spent lifeless and confused.
I place my heart in a jar and my mind just needs medication but my hands…
“Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?”
There are days when I feel like if I can push myself a little harder everything will get better, If I can just see things differently, maybe if I didn’t analyse everything to pieces or if I were better, smarter, kinder..? , maybe if I can just think and do things the way they do… It will all be better..
And there are days when I just wanna give up… Maybe I’m built to be dissatisfied. From all the possible combination of genes, mine were not assembled to last, or to be passed down.
My sequences of A, G, C, T, is a self destructive code.
It is more true to nature to accept who I am. I’m tired of being uncomfortable. Always feeling like an alien, an outsider peering at life through a foggy window.
It just doesn’t feel right to keep going on like this. Life has never been kind to me, I see no value in it, I’ve had enough.