I remind myself during sleep that I only want to die. It is alike when I am awake. Doing my researches and studies, following my path to eat and drink enough. I care for myself, but every step has the etiquette with the inscription “you only want to die”.
it is not over with the day, I see them again when I shower and there suddenly I have a mental breakdown. They happen often. I read on the shampoo “Suffers your….” and I start to think that over. I have freedom, that is great. My financial Situation is double backed up. Most People are guilty themselves for their addiction, I do not suffer calling them so. The performance of the poor I met was alike, I was not surprised they had come to this and they do not want to make even any little progress. I got to experience very strange things with no legal procedement. Actual there I snap on. Legal Affairs where physical harm is done are not done properly. I feel for everyone doing so, they have no guilt themselve for the suffer. Do I suffer now? “Yeah, I suffer, suffer, suffer … “ and under the shower I quiver and crumble.
i am trying to kill myself every month
The come to me, the Solution and ask where it is after they have reached it forcefully and with use of advanced force
From Flawless Skills to Rubbish ones.
I could be Death so easily. I get Mental because of so many Things. Tiny opt-outs causing the future to be challenged or fragmented, propagating danger as Integrity of Officials to their Ideals will missed out.
It even does cause me to feel Suicidal to treat the Past or the Fure. The Gossip will always be, but under which Light? I would like to not care, but Mystery and Misasumptions are malvolent to Emotions. I do not want to opt-in to give People Self-Esteem who just want to see People Dead and as provocation aimed on to them.
Nobody wants to Die as an Result of the Honour, to have ties in their Suicide Project to Money problems of any kind. I can not want to be the handled Ammunition for Revenge, against an Non-existent Rival or as Hift for Enemies, poison for Friends and the curse for the Family.
The Global lose of Pace which occurs repeatedly when it is a clear Business-Loss is very suspicious to me. Moores Law is here passing out, phasing out and is becoming incoherent awhile any others seemingly never deattached from. Even my Suicidality and Depression is leaping within each 730 Days.
Loosing things is the same. I have a very exquisite Taste in Possesions. Antique, Unique and Rarities with very Unknown Values and fairly Information availiable. I can not replace them as the pain rising up in me. I can only open up another spot in my heart till my heart is gone.
It is even more brutal with words.
i am troubled. i failed to save humans in 2016 and are now up to lower dedications, to save the planet. a failure of saving humans resulted in polytoxicomania. i do not even want to proceed in life, to be obsessed with the idea that I could be saving the earth. do i want this? nobody saved me, they just made it more worse or just triggered that I made my Life inflicted with chronic pain.
what should be done?
back to phase 1 to save human, but some are already dead now
proceeding phase 2 with making myself more ill than ever
maintaining phase 3, getting into problems which are global wide
or, phase 4 – which is drafted in my last post in the beginning.
(i have joy with these emotions, this sadness, solitude, lonelines, misunderstood and shining, the progress and the pain everywhere of my body. i could cry if I would not die, living endlessly and I would not be able to have this feeling which is not part of the present causality)
my death will be a mixed quantum state. i’ll have particles of heroin and waves of absinth. the interferometer will estimate the signal about 3 hours after. it could be that I’ll make a quantum teleportation to another nation awhile my being is ascenting, slipping underneath the quantum realm. the casimir effect will avoid that I will sense the intensity of disturbation for my past and future. due to the heisenberg picture, I can only tell about the position, but the angular momentum will be unknown for me.
the standard modell will tell, that any failure, if the gluons don’t save me, it will be a decision by the up and down quarks inside the atom that is having interaction to me to allow an compensating of the quantum fluctuation, to avoid any misconceptions to see any entanglement to any extreme or radical groups or to any self-orientated expression which could lead to an polarization of closest members within the classical human families.
it ain’t simple.
I need someone to take the phone from me for the overdose. Crystal overdosed is beautiful and still shakes inside 10 days later. Maybe an entire life.
It is beautiful, but nothing kills my thirst to die. This happiness is not true.
Memento Mori dear me.
I am living now for 10 months alone. Yet I still can’t make a Sunday at home. What do I do wrong?
“a way to die and you call emergency. you did it tree times. do you think this is fun?”
is this addiction, it feels not deep enough yet.
All it was meant painless.
but I obsessed myself believing it is actual death.
by living I find myself mysterious always more done to finish. I’m aware that i could develope asperger.
slowy the end is announcing but I keep having fears. Yes, this is paranoid.
i must be schizophrenic. things get lost. I lose my cool by living.
lost it but now I’m here just with another. I feel human.
but painless became hedonism. I’m egotistical, I lose friends. Must be a sociopath.
i spend 2 years following an dangerous free time habit just to come over that I am keen on making the last moment of life instead pure suicide.
Suicide. That came over my tongue many times since I’ve been 17. what are 6 years.
My situation is the same. Nothing really changed but I’m assured to be in jail. Being fooled over an stolen bike. Running after an attack of medicine.
That about medicine, I wouldn’t had done it under normal circumstances. I needed that experience. It once caused me to have an trauma.
Will I hit the ground on my feet or will it make me die without blood?
Once upon a Time I’ve been judged for being an victim. When that with the Bike happened it was still me wanting the police for an insurance before something out of legal happens. I thought I made all legal but these times, I’m about to land into jail.
I’m out of that bike. I am out of liability because I’ve never came across that before.
And the following makes me legal to be monitored in public.
There is someone who would attack me. That addict threw a bottle in my direction for being jealous about me making a deal.
Maybe I’m really complicated about all this. This Place is not serving me being worth all this.
When we reach it, Scammer? I’ve been promised to be addicted, to be death. This made you and perpetrators due suffering.
I really don’t like it. The progress in getting to know much Substances I’ve reached a kinda weird point.
First off, all the Dealer delivers me is something else but still potent. It is not the first try to get me addicted to something. A bit hilliarious that by this huge Methamphetamine and some MDA plus 2C-B I’m now without sleep the 3rd Day.
Why do I follow this?
Look, as I want truly with no Imaginary or Religious PoV of what will show when you’re gone. I don’t really am Interested into.
Anything I can take will make me weaker, lighter and more fragile.
But I am not brave enough to maintain new Trade Routes. It will not take that much actually, but sure not around the corner.
I’ve got an Proposal for Marriage. It was stated with “..for you to stay alive.”
Must this be? I can’t put out some Bleed it Out, In her Tomb by the Sounding Oceans or even Heartless to cause distraction.
I’m punished and honoured to be very bound to reality and the right. I abaddon truth, it is what is set on our Minds by us.
Sadly, I was still not successful in suffering Amnesia. Most Human way though it is very hard. I always liked to hardrest devices and so on, so I’m very cold about it. No feelings.
To to the load on me to speak fairly perfect, I am able to must stuck at my Point of Life eventually just further rendering my Vital Signs extremely disrupted.
I’m not my View Murdered. Well, at least the Major was right that wishes will come to truth. In return I’m willing to be a Voice for Drug Freedom for People above 14. I’m trying to Die like Years. But it is just ridiculous how safe this stuff to s. I have more fear about Sugar and Disinformation.
Only Fresh Propofol ist Painless. I would had died by approximately 4 – 6 ml.
My Circulatory System went down, unable to Power me on the Feet. The Night was a Nightmare in which I vomitted Blood at 4am guiding me to Call the Emergency Ambulance Service.
The Fools saw the Blood in my Room, but we’re clear and open treating it to just don’t mind. In the Hospital I made it: I scratched together the litte Power left and spitted out Dark Mass of Blood almost in a Length of a Fish! -> I made it to the Intensive Care Unit.
I had a temporary Kidney Failure and my Liver with Inflammation.
I hear very Loud Acoustical Hallucinations. Headaches occur very often. I have an Virus in me and I feel like there is something else in my Body just waiting for me to be released.
Tbh I am for a while unable to take Position for Pro-Suicide-Helpset’s because it is really sometimes so complicated to bring one down.
Ps. I had no Suicide Intension, I just had a Midazolam, Ketamine, Medivacain and Propofol together!
suicide is not an opportunity for jail, but I want to have it condemned and enacted counter the fear of rampages and white cards for initial crime.
do you see a way to have that hideout in your future career secured by an insurance?
is there anyone else stuck between jurisdiction, rule of law and suicide?
If your influence is beyond your lifetime, leave it. Because you must be so lonely that nobody is going to miss it…
dislocated self-awareness. declination of the past. dispersion from freedom. unpleasant emersive thoughts. respective immersive social relational trust fond. disability of detachment.
this just keeps me awake what I read. who makes funerals, I would be death inside but I want to express it privately and have trust in coping skills, and issues.
I wished it in a bad prediction for the future to die, and I relapsed from hate to love which is something strong to me. I am unable to remember this, but the development of the relapse took my commiseration which used to consume me out in view of my desire and which had me selflessly in damage to myself empowered me to emphasize with the most painless atmosphere.
And that was depression. Crying made me Free, but I’m not done enough, it was a huge loss which is gone with the hate. I’m like censoring myself as I can’t express it by any act and want to be striked by something that is close to the imagination that leaved me with my believe that the causality to love after the psychosis is better than the truth of my ridiculous expectations and to be loved back.
And I insist for the proof of my desparation with the peace in me to have suffered and to want more.
I stay in distance because for just a single time I want to disrespect my confidence. I don’t want to trust the love, I want to be with, with only the fear and want that to make me cry.
I can’t stop, I’m uninterested of being real in life without and really am not into the world all my life.
I must find another home that is corrupting the idea that the first memory is been one I trusted to, felt close to and wanted to life in. I didn’t.
Can you make out my mind? I can’t make out mine..
Up to 3 Dream a Night.
Emotion but no Feelings.
Different Styles of Visuals.
Time is shifting Nature.
Skills beyond Wakefulness.
Ability to remember – also photographically.
An Effect after Waking up.
Causing Déjà-vu in later Life.
Hardly to Ignore.
Terrific Nightmares ( I find Joy in)
depression is breathing. it keeps shorten in the air from the lung the more activities you follow, share with other people and keep stuck in you. like a parasite in the mind it nourish like being in a deep sleep. the deprivation is opening eyes for the missing love in anything around one that’d turn blind if you get kissed again like it had been once and always as gentle kick of trust.
- childhood myth
- childhood trauma
- familiar problems as child
- over average learning curve
- lose of interest
- break of hope
- suicide ideation
- complicated relationship
- suicide attempt #1
- suicide attempt #2
- acausal commiseration
- 2-lined personality
- very far social network
- suicide assumption
- breakdown of social life
- theft of data
- train power line electrocution
- police incident with loss of will for living, skills and unrecoverable state of development, quest or right
- emigration with challenge to kill me and for gaining sanity in an unknown environment
- admitted terroristic tendencies
- death of family member
- runaway #2
- runaway #3
- no labor fitness/field
- self-harm with drugs
- suicide attempt #3