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Yikrens

Age is 24. Demisexual. Wannabewhore. Suicide and Murder are things I like to do. What I want to be, experience and reach in the Life I already had. But nobody knows, does remember or has something to credit it.

Coping SkillsRantsStories of Hope

make out with

by Yikrens
written by Yikrens

dislocated self-awareness. declination of the past. dispersion from freedom. unpleasant emersive thoughts. respective immersive social relational trust fond. disability of detachment.

this just keeps me awake what I read. who makes funerals, I would be death inside but I want to express it privately and have trust in coping skills, and issues.

I wished it in a bad prediction for the future to die, and I relapsed from hate to love which is something strong to me. I am unable to remember this, but the development of the relapse took my commiseration which used to consume me out in view of my desire and which had me selflessly in damage to myself empowered me to emphasize with the most painless atmosphere.

And that was depression. Crying made me Free, but I’m not done enough, it was a huge loss which is gone with the hate. I’m like censoring myself as I can’t express it by any act and want to be striked by something that is close to the imagination that leaved me with my believe that the causality to love after the psychosis is better than the truth of my ridiculous expectations and to be loved back.

And I insist for the proof of my desparation with the peace in me to have suffered and to want more.

I stay in distance because for just a single time I want to disrespect my confidence. I don’t want to trust the love, I want to be with, with only the fear and want that to make me cry.

I can’t stop, I’m uninterested of being real in life without and really am not into the world all my life.

I must find another home that is corrupting the idea that the first memory is been one I trusted to, felt close to and wanted to life in. I didn’t.

Can you make out my mind? I can’t make out mine..

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General

I Dream often. Even awake.

by Yikrens
written by Yikrens

Up to 3 Dream a Night.

Familiar Faces.

Emotion but no Feelings.

Different Styles of Visuals.

Time is shifting Nature.

Skills beyond Wakefulness.

Ability to remember – also photographically.

An Effect after Waking up.

Causing Déjà-vu in later Life.

Hardly to Ignore.

Terrific Nightmares ( I find Joy in)

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General

the part of breaking

by Yikrens
written by Yikrens
  • childhood myth
  • childhood trauma
  • familiar problems as child
  • over average learning curve
  • lose of interest
  • break of hope
  • suicide ideation
  • complicated relationship
  • suicide attempt #1
  • suicide attempt #2
  • acausal commiseration
  • 2-lined personality
  • very far social network
  • psychosis
  • suicide assumption
  • breakdown of social life
  • runaway
  • theft of data
  • train power line electrocution
  • autism
  • police incident with loss of will for living, skills and unrecoverable state of development, quest or right
  • emigration with challenge to kill me and for gaining sanity in an unknown environment
  • admitted terroristic tendencies
  • death of family member
  • runaway #2
  • runaway #3
  • no labor fitness/field
  • self-harm with drugs
  • suicide attempt #3
  • retirement
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General

not be but in my acknowledgement

by Yikrens
written by Yikrens

i may write as if I can do everything.

but others have their priorities. I don’t want to try again to get my access of illicit stuff, because it is always super to refer on experiences in an associable field.

and they said their projects. but there was no urge or type of contracting me to explore.

also can’t I help if I occupied knowledge about or feel like that is not in my freedom.

I refer this when I get known of former who also has the suicide project without the most valuable knowledge.

like as tied to a lobby of which the reality really dies little for those who shall are turn to something to as then ..

aren’t we tired of lawbreaking?

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GeneralI Will SurvivePoetry & ArtRants

70k+ posts

by Yikrens
written by Yikrens

i know a music thread with 60000 posts.

this page here is different. 2 user do not make of about 20% of that entries, guessed.

it is impossible to have a overview about. do you think that’s with the no partners rule?

i’m critical about if I use this page right or if the support can explain me. i maybe just lack suicidality and fear of free things..

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General

My weaknesses

by Yikrens
written by Yikrens

I have my own Mistakes that I do not advice.

  • Binge Eating
  • Drug Abuse (Tobacco)
  • Inner Aggression
  • Public Transport Trip’s
  • No-Decision making
  • Unfutile research documentation
  • Suddenly stopping global development
  • Uses to leave possible takeworthy desires unfollowed properly
  • Legal Affairs

I feel to break at some point. To make Gang and Group, Politic and Industry, Law and Order beside everything else I do.

I don’t like to sell Medicine, I give them for free. I don’t split my Drugs. I don’t destroy things.

I can’t waste money because I can’t stop thinking for any product I buy.

No Invitations for a Dinner or Booze as I see the drown downward.

People don’t give me Drugs anymore in Quality and Quantity that would be enough for suicide.

Look, I can’t even brag myself to abuse medicine to abuse actual human just for lust.

Nothing is Right, I don’t enjoy Life. I remind myself lesser that I’d want to die but it hurts now even more each time.

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General

What I need

by Yikrens
written by Yikrens
How this been done to myself is a miracle of

How?

I don’t need a Therapy, I need a Course with a length of a Year, new Skills to learn and some Partner.

I lost any Real Chance for this very Year. Next year is the very last Year I could find such a Thing.

This thing on my Hand is a miracle for itself. It is likely a Week old and does not revert to Common. So I’ll get under a Operation.

 

Edit: I got my operation. The hand is more appealing now, more than ever before. I’ll take a week pause of writing, for recovery.

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Chronic PainPoetry & ArtStories of Loss

it is deadly

by Yikrens
written by Yikrens

to know I love the deaths creation.

but any of is for bme a taboo subject

 

so so don’t sing the deaths of. also I did.

 

this can’t be excused to some,

as strangers. maybe is takes a toll of relief..

but I’d stick to what I know as stranger.

and any must be alive. and that can be noone..

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General

Sleepwalking/Loss of Memory on Zolpidem (Ambien)

by Yikrens
written by Yikrens

My mother said I was driving my Bike and feel. All my knees bleed. I bought some Pizza and Pork.

I remember an accident, but it is alike a general memory. I bought some Pork but it was like a week ago.

And why are my Hands swollen? I’ll take some more if my Doc is prescribing this. I need this to clear out, I study this stuff damn again!

—-

Edit: I’m still unaware how to treat that phenomenon. I was so secure that I’m immune of Memory Loss/Sleepwalking. I wait that they (Parents) show me the Bill of what I bought. If not, I’ll need to turn the Doctor? I need to state my Swollen Hands!

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General

Ok, I lied towards you..

by Yikrens
written by Yikrens

I took myself one Pill of mine. Short after I lost Consciousness. When I woke up, I was in the living room, both of my Hands swollen, mark of Stitches at both my Elbows. Strains of Blood marking both my knees. And my Medication gone.

This bastard’s are trying to turn me around. I said once to my Dad that I want to die, as he replied to me: “If you want to die, I’ll also.”, I must seen the lie earlier and this douchebag with the imagination people with this private urge can be played.

Respect is equality. None gets that from me out of itself.

Edit: I’ll confront my parents what they remember. I got asked if I’m better yesterday.

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneral

This thrill inside of Me

by Yikrens
written by Yikrens

How to you name the Power in us to make the Final Move, to give into something, to cry and to be forced to seek for food and water? The urge to smoke or to go for drugs.

Such an Movement inside of me is thrilling me to get to my own Rental. Anybody there in the Town is more of an fellow peasant than a friend and those who are a friend to me can’t actual set a rule for itself or have a proper set-up.

I like to be there. I can sleep there at least. I have nothing there yet about connectivity. And an all alone. I took it that I can start working soon. There is too little of an feeling to set a Workspace for the Laptop and start.. Well, all I could is for now cutting Multimedia like Video’s and Sound. Making some elements of Graphic. And I would need to order a new charger first-hand.

It is empty in my Life. That is dragging me constantly to Drugs. I can take Drugs without dying. Latest Innovation from Apple makes it possible to survive any Overdose. I did survived some of them on my own.

I fear to end up in Jail before I die or turn happy ever after. Nothing is dragging me right now to Suicide, the only options are to be in a state that is to some similar to suicide.

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Family & Friends EffectsStories of Loss

Love

by Yikrens
written by Yikrens

I had found here the struggle of someone wearing about its relationship and the inability to share the real thoughts. Will it hold? Can this endure? I blame my Mind if we not set-up together forever. To be passed by for another. To get replaced.

It is so sweet how clueless I was about this feelings. I never knew them. Even when it had been cheated on me my heart and my mind chanted for the most precious thing I lived ever then. I still feel it, I can’t lie about. When we shared a bed for the night, me laying on my device phoning for hours eventually into sleep till the first to wake see’s we maxed the single call limit in time, maybe even up to 3 times. Seven years since.

I’m in Love and everything is set up this time that none gets spoiled in any way. There is no certain way to cheat at each other. The feeling of love been a very perculier thing to me as I knew I lost everything I could feel. It is still a little different but I wonder that it is strong.

But.. sometimes I know what I feel is not hers. It is someone else’s. I feel 3 different people inside my heart. Each is unique and suddenly, none of them are like the kicks I feel when my heart aches. I became used to the pain. I’m grown that I’d could marry. I should write letters about love. My words, one which are not likely to fade are happening. I was not the one known for taking a smell, a taste or emotions. But to give my feelings as clear as I feel never failed if truth is what keeps me keen. I couldn’t when I was for Sex. I an unable to seek for money. I am randomly about but don’t get it straight real to pay for the lust. I do not smear on others melting for attraction.

But.

I can not fulfill what I demand of others. I’ll bow. I can not share my longing to share a sleep with her together in a room. I’ve no Poems, until, I just gave her an roundup of the duty that this affair for her former reality is about. I feel bad when even a little of what I call love is drawn on someone just she is.

I feel what’s true for this true People and truly is as it as but it ain’t as if this admiration I share can not left unreal but is for real not made to hit me in my time for. I’m out of role, I can’t argue that might one of them shall have had happened on a different section of time.

Writing about Love, to have the clear words unsaid or erased, deleted. It hurts. I will not know if it overwhelms me. But when it does, my emotions leave me alone that I could surely be also death. It is as if my Heart is death.

No-one will get spoiled. I’m happy and after. In hear situation I would not like to fail the following 4 years. I’m not ready, not yet.. but I’d wish to as I know it’ll kill me.

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