Note to self- remember always the eternal aspect of the universe and it may just lighten some of the weight of this world off my heart.
F#ck 2025 and all that follows.
Just 10 days left to 2024. To think I truly believed this was the year I’d finally be set free.
Just realised that I’m now older than the project manager at my first job who fired me a decade ago and making less than I was back then, inflation adjusted.
My unlucky number is 8 according to Chiero’s numerology. Pseudoscience, I know. Not that I ever really believed in it; it’s just an idea I have entertained from time to time for heck’s sake. But now I find it useful as a make-believe crutch to lean on. Useful as a confirmation bias turned on its head if I do end up proving it to be true by my own tragic example. Number 8 is what I’m planning my “cowardly” exit around. This year is 2+0+2+4. I’m turning 3+5 this year. Six days after my birthday, the date adds up to the number 8. And if […]
Forbidden toy, I guess :/
Getting my head shaved on Christmas and keeping it that way going forward. I’ll never look in the mirror again except for shaving once in while, maybe not even then. I figured part of my self hatred might dissipate if I don’t see my face ever again, except when unavoidable.
“Human life is truly a short affair. It is better to live doing the things that you like. It is foolish to live within this dream of a world seeing unpleasantness and doing only things that you do not like…”
“Personally, I like to sleep. And I intend to appropriately confine myself more and more to my living quarters and pass my life away sleeping.”
– Yamamoto Tsunetomo, Hagakure: Book of the Samurai
They say forget about the past. Get over it, they say.
But the past doesn’t forget you. It catches up to remind you – right at the moment when you start getting ideas or getting ahead of yourself- who you really were = are.
Forget about it! BS. I know it for a fact that I will carry the baggage from my past straight into my shallow grave. There’s no getting over it. Only hope there’s no hell or afterlife or karma-based reincarnation, otherwise I’m getting my ass handed back to me on a frying pan for all eternity.
What I’d prefer to end up as-
Will I keep on returning to this dark room life after life?
My life is in a dreamlike state rn. I had dreamt of it often (in morbid moments) but now it has come to pass and is yet to register in my mind conditioned to my usual lifestyle. I’m officially a drifter now. All I own is packed in 3 bags and been 2 weeks I’m flitting aimlessly from town to city, wasting my meagre savings on the cheapest possible modes of transport, dingy hotel rooms and bad food. Writing this from an unclean double-bed in a shady lodge above a lingerie shop. It’s no bother actually. Could get a lot worse. I think by now […]
I don’t recall how I came across this, now I have to pass it on like those haunted VHS tape movies.
Seriously I wish I hadn’t listened to this last night trying to sleep. It induced a sickening feeling that in a few years, probably a decade, my parents might begin their old age decline and all their hopes and feelings they put in me will wither away with them. And even if I’d have succeeded in not killing myself before their time, I’d still have failed them and left them at the banks of styx unfulfilled and even wronged. Unable to sleep rn, thinking […]
But at the drop of the curtain, it’ll end in general disapproval. I accept the blame tho. I consistently disappointed people who put hopes in me. Let everyone down from teenage upwards. Worst thing is, I couldn’t do justice to the love and affection of good, honest folk and in my self-loathing, been pushing them away too. It pains not so much that I’ve failed in the game of life as it pains to realise that I’ve failed well-meaning fellow beings who deserved better.
If I could foresee the course of my life and had a choice, I’d gladly choose either not being brought to life […]
Right now feels like there’s a churning happening somewhere. I’ve spent the last few days in silent anguish and near constant torment over this and that, mostly work-related stress. Everyday for the past week I expected to be fired and it could’ve culminated at a Friday meeting but ended in anticlimax. Nothing happened.
I just can’t keep doing this week after week. Certainly not year after year because this is not living. Or else living without reason. I’m ashamed of even admitting any sincerity in my line of work cause it is simply frivolous as far as making the world go round is concerned.
But […]
Only not yet but sometime in the future, most probably after my parents have passed.
Silly pop culture reference to take inspiration from but my living condition now is a lot sillier, and not even in a dark humored way like in the movies. Anything’s an improvement really. More solemn inspiration, I read somewhere about early christian monastics from 2nd or 3rd century who went so crazy for Jesus as to wander off into the desert and remain there as way of taming the flesh before […]
I had a strange dream the night before yesterday (maybe it was early morning) in which I saw one of my former friends (by now Ive pushed them all away for good). He was a cool friendly dude back when I knew him and quite healthy as far as I remember. But in this dream he bumped into me at an airport lounge and I was dream shocked at his wasted appearance. His mouth was twisted and spine was crooked. I couldn’t make sense of his impaired speech. Then there was a nonsensical flash back into what had happened to him – he got hit […]
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