I live in a spiritual community and I finally realize how unhealthy this whole place is. There is no love here everyone here is so judgmental and fake. Its all political. You go away for a while and no one greets you with even just a smile when you come back.
I only feel good now when I am on my meds, and they always wear off in time.
I’m in hell. My boss here is a manipulative a-hole who has no boundaries. I had to tell him I needed to go to the hospital.When I came back, he asked me how it was in front of my co-workers! I was so ashamed!
I am 26 year old woman. I wanted to live in peace with the world but the world wont let me. I have to fight against discrimination in the workplace or at home, or in my spiritual community. I don’t feel entitled to anything but to live without feeling like it is wrong for me to even exist.
When I told my boss that I might suffer from depression he said…”oh well I am too probably hahahah…we all are that’s why we have this spiritual practice.”
I dont want to end my life, but I want my suffering to end. The worst suffering of all, is the lonliness and the shaming that I am receiving from ignorant pathologically religious people who think I should just pray harder. I’ve been depressed since I was 7 or earlier.
I pray for 2 hours a day.Â Ive done this for years. Every morning and every night, for an hour a day. Its required of me. I have to in order to live in this community. Sometimes I would rather be homeless. Because I would be allowed to go have fun when I want to, like a normal person my age. I would be free to explore the world, instead of stuck in this room, with no money and no way of escape.
I want more than anything to just be happy again, so that I can feel alive and contribute LIFE back to the world. When I smile, the world smiles back. When I can’t smile, it brings other people down too and I’m tired of being a burden to my family.
I just want to put myself out of my misery. I wish someone would for me, like I wish the government would take anyone who wanted to die seriously, so that we could die with dignity. Just rid the gene pool of my chemical imbalance please.