Hi. I’m going to school right now and… I honestly don’t know what is wrong with me. I feel so emotionless, so stoic. I can’t even crack a smile at my cousin’s antics. I have a lot on my mind and I would like to talk about it. My number is 16363882782 if anyone is willing to talk to me before class.
Please leave me alone. Don’t ask me to listen anymore. Leave me alone. Stop talking! Go to Hell! Burn me up! Stab me in the heart! Choke me! You did it last time dammit! Fag! ******! *****! Die you depressive little emo!!!
I am not alright. It’s that time again. Papa. Papa, I miss you. I want to be with you. Papa. Why did no one tell me how you died? I don’t know anymore. I just want to be with you. Papa. I love you. I am willing to die. You left me. GODDAMMIT YOU FUCKING LEFT ME!!!! I will never ever forgive you for that. I’ll follow you to the grave.
I won’t be forgotten like you were. They say to burn out. I’ll show them meaning to that phrase. I am ready to follow you to Hell. And I’ll make them remember you. With my death they’ll remember you again.
I hope we can enjoy Hell together. After all, you are my sunshine. Aimee, you’re my sunshiney controlling *****. We’ll go to Hell together and I’ll laugh whenever you try to hurt me. Liar liar, you left me alone. In my mind. Now I blame you for this. My death, and its all your fault. How do you feel now?
I like to smile. I don’t know why, but it’s easier that way. I smile when she hits me. I smile when they mock me. I wipe my eyes and I smile. I smile when they scream and rant that I am not good enough. I should be perfect. So I smile. They want to believe it, so I let them.
Damn those voices. They like to mess with my mind. They enjoy my abuse. I can only smile. ******. ******. *****. I’m Aimee’s *****. ****** ***** ******. Dyke. They scream it at me. They know what I am. And so does she.
I hate this worthlessness. I need to be more productive. I need to make a future. Not for me, that’s a stupid thing to believe. There is no future when you’re already dead. No, I’m going to help my sister. She needs to have a road for her. She’ll do what she wants, but I’ll just help her for now.
And I’ll smile. I’ll smile for her.
I feel like Sai with this stupid smile. IM A FAKE!!! Wait, no one can see that. No one can hear that. Everyone just sees a stupid slut that needs to shut up. Maybe I should just stop caring and let go. It would be less painful. Let go.
I want to. I really do.
I don’t know whats wrong with me. I put myself in therapy but we can’t afford to keep me in it. It was helping, but now everything’s falling. I find it harder and harder to breathe. Maybe one day I’ll stop. I find that thought comforting.
Sometimes I can’t think. I’ll start and stop. People think I’m weird for that. My own flesh and blood don’t understand. And I’ll forget. I want to scream, to tell them that this all hurts so much. But I can’t scream. I don’t know why but my voice is too weak.
Maybe I could blame my parents for this. They were always working and leaving me alone. I was forced to watch my sister by myself. I had to watch her when the meth lab above us caught on fire. Hurray for me! I had to grow up quick.
I could blame my cousins for this knife at my throat. They always made me cry.
I could blame my “friends” for this. They always thought I was happy, just because I smile. They don’t know that I’ve heard every name they called me.
I could blame school. They all never helped me. Daddy’s a good liar, even decieving himself. He’s a devil and Maman’s his mistress. Did I ever tell someone that she choked me for running into a table? It’s our little secret Maman.
It was my abusive girlfriend that pushed me over the edge. She left scars and bruises and finally just forced me to give her what she wanted. She always said I was a no good *****. To those who think only guys can rape and abuse, you’re wrong. You’re so naive. Woman do everything a guy can do, only worse.
That little snake… She carved the letter F into my skin. F for fag, fucker, fuck up, finished the list goes on.
I am trying to find the best way to die because I am sick of this fucking life. What to do? I don’t want another intervention. I had one before. Maman and Daddy cried. Well, more like Daddy. Maman’s not very affectionate. My baby girl caught me cutting. She promised not to tell.
If you have any ideas BESIDES PILLS (they make me sick) that could lead to a quick death and easy to access (I can’t get a gun) please tell me. I want to get this over with before it comes again.
Hopefully this is adieu my dears. Remember, the leaf may fall from the tree during winter, but the tree always grows more back.
i still hate life. i still hate myself. i still hate doctors. i still cry sponataneously. i still get angry randomly. i still hear the voices. i still will never let anyone touch me (i doubt i ever will). i still feel worthless. i still am very sick and losing more weight right now. i still have difficulty waking up. i still hate the world. i still want to beat the shit out of myself sometimes.
but i dont want to die.
granted, i am still an ungrateful peice of shit who should throw herself off a bridge or better yet listen to the Dark Man. But someone changed my life. someone made me smile today. i refuse to put her name on here but i love her. yes. i do love her. finally. i love her. its strange. we went out for five months and then we break up. and now i love her.
tml. i love her.
i hope you all find a tml like her.
granted she wont solve everything. and ill probably have to go to therapy for all the shit ive seen and done. (sad thing is, im only 15) and we will probably break up and never see eachother again. but i decided i will get better.
may you all figure out how to go on 🙂
reliving the nightmare. a poem by mwah.
he sits there patiently
as i scream
as i yell
when i struggle
I gave in.
I gave in.
he forces me down
when i start to cry
he tells me:
shut up someone might hear.
i push and yell
he punches me
I give in.
I give in.
he pulls out
i scamper and cry
if you tell anyone you’ll die
so i shall slice my wrist
let the blood flow
he promised this
he keeps his promises.
AN: yeah my nightmare i normally have. why else would i not want to sleep? yeah he does keep his promise pretty well… hence why i told you this.
people on here tell me to not commit suicide. hm. what if i told you that i am sick. if i told you i was actually sick and lost 10 pounds in the past few months even though i eat, wud u believe me? would u be amazed if i said i am now 80 pounds and am losing more and more?
no. of course not. but its true. and i really dont want to die due to an illness. its my own choice, my death is. and id rather go off in bang than otherwise.
well…this is one of the reasons at least that ill commit suicide. i have many more, but this is a somewhat reason why.
Eyes like glass
Thoughts lost in the sea
The sea of the Abyss
She can’t wish
She can’t wish for this
The ship lurches and falls
Along the rocky waves
The waves of the waves push her on
She wants to drown.
But Hell won’t let her.
i cant stand it. i am angry. goddammit i havent been angry in a while.
my set of few morals:
if it aint your business then dont talk about it to other people.
dont lie to yourself.
dont have sex (as in willingly) until you are 16. (one more year)
yeah, not hard to follow. well, maybe the second, but it can be easy to fix. my friends expected me to break the first! its strange though. i nearly killed tina when she said in her snotty attitude “trade me places i dont want to sit by her anymore” just because i told her that its not my business to share. goddamn her i hate her.
again, i need to conform. blend in. deal.
and CHUCKLES got sent to the mental place. i think they shouldve sent me there more.
two more slices to the wrist. i hate this life.
mya. my baby. im sorry you have such a selfish sister. u dont know how close ive come so many times. i cud call a lot of people my guardian angels. but really, youve been bout the only one who has been able to stop me from jumping the gun.
im tired now baby. the dark man’s caught up with me and im breaking. im breaking baby cant you see it? please baby, im a shitty sister and i cant stand it anymore. dont look at my corpse. its too goddamn awful. sissy, i love you but i have failed you. i cant stand living in pain anymore.
give me another week. can u die from lack of sleep?
i feel like i should share my story for someone to know why i have gone, so at least someone can know what really happened to me so i can leave in peace.
my dad is from the west coast and my moms from missouri. how they met is a mystery. somewhere between august and september, the condom broke and i was concieved. i know for a fact that it was a condom that broke because they weren’t married and dad would be cautious. i was then born 9 months later into a fucked-up family. my aunt had two kids, each without a dad (well, you know what i mean) and then my papa (grampa) had to help raise them along with my parents. my grandma wasn’t good to my dad (thats his story not mine). my mom’s parents didnt see me a lot because they didn’t like dad (mom says they were racist). but still, for most of my childhood i was happy. we didnt have a lot of money and i didnt have any friends, but i was content. then, when my cat got taken away, the voices began. i cant remember what age they started. they were my first friends and i used to talk to them a lot. they would be with me always. i was fairly young though and i did what they told me. i suffocated my sister because of them (i think). again i was gullible.
i started school and i got bullied. i didnt talk that much. i didnt need to talk to anyone. but i was bullied for it. by the time i was seven, i made my only friend, lily.
i was seven when my parents seperated. i put on a strong face and dealt with it. i had to be the “man” of the house, even though i was still scared. i remember their arguments as clear as day. i suppose i cried too much during that period and so i cant cry now. my support was books. i planned my escape in them. that was when i became depressed.
it sunk in over the years. i have moved to two towns, two counties over. i have been raped, hurt, and seen someone shot before. i have not told anyone of this though. i am still the “man” of the house. i have drunk, smoked weed, and been still completely normal. i have fallen in love and been hurt in the end. i have swallowed 49 pills and sat on the kitchen floor, staying awake for my little sister and talking to a friend as a life support. i have cried my eyes out over losing a picture and been dry-faced when my papa died. i have dealt with dads disease and moms surgery. i have heard things, almost done things, that are hard to describe.
but still i dont know why i go on. im not happy. i know my purpose. i was to protect my sister from every horrible thing done to me. my purpose is done. im moving on now. if anyone knows a painless (or really quick) way to die, please tell me. thank you. may i see you in the next life.
sitting in my chair
sitting in my mind
wrap his hands round my neck
i cant breathe
i cant see
wait for night
to watch life
drain from my eyes
the spirit’s gone, so its no fun.
just mercy, you say.
a mercy killing you say.
my heart pounds as yours does not.
what a pathetic shit, you think.
what a life and not gonna use it.
he will take it for the night.
does everything i cannot
and in the end
the dark man’s gonna kill me, ma.
mama, he’s gonna kill me.
i have learned the meaning of life. i’ve known it for a long time. life is what you make, therefore one must interpret life in their own way to find a meaning of it. there, i just answered the controversial question. i believe i do deserve a treat for that. if there are any other questions that i can figure out, ill be happy to answer.
damn how i should be a philosopher.
im trying to swim
im trying to breathe
i take a breathe
and i choke on water
i reach out for someone
flailing for help
only to be pushed into the water yet again.
i drift underneath
ready to go drown
ready to leave the pain behind.
still i hear that voice.
someone needs me
so i’ll stay alive for a little while.
just for her.
this is for my sister. i was gonna do it, i swear i was. the knife was on my heart. one quick stab and i’d be screwed. but then my sister started laughing in the other room and i couldnt. i love her too much. she has to be away from me to do it. faaaar aaaaaway
i kno its sad but i hve made a list of things i wud like to complete before i die.
one. i wud like to finish reading a tale of two cities.
two. i wud like to start a fight at school with the kids who bully me.
three. i wud like to scream. see i hvent done it and pple say its good for you.
four. i wud like to stay silent for a day at school.
five. i wud like to kiss tina again.
six. i wud like to try a joint of marijuana for curiousity’s sake.
seven. i wud like to scream and rant and cry and remember it all.
eight. i wud like to laugh so hard i pee my pants.
nine. i wud like to have a real smile.
ten. i wud like to pass all of my exams.
eleven. i wud like to write a short tragic story.
twelve. i wud like to be true with myself.
thirteen. i wud like to smile in the mirror and admire how sexy i am and be glad tht no chick will evr get to this body.
fourteen. i wud love to burn in flames.
fifteen. i wud love to say goodbye to everyone.
so i may not commit suicide tht early. u see i got this list now. so i hve to complete it. i gotta get propane n be alone. i hve to figure out a way to say goodbye to evryone who “loves” me cuz i sure as hell love them. but my times up so i need to go now.
i give up.
do you know how much shit you get moving to a predominately white hick town? i moved here 4 yrs ago and i get shit evryday for being a diff race (technically black but i look latino or asian) being quiet, being smart, n being a lez. yeah its a lil hard to live when u hear voices evryday.
the worst thing is tht evryone says: oh ull be alright. NO ITS NOT ALRIGHT!!! when someone gets bullied evryday n hears voices tht means u fucking listen to them instead of ignoring them! ive had enough! im not the trash u throw out im not the toy u push aside for a new one I AM A FUCKING LIVING AND BREATHING PERSON!!!
this isnt the only reason why. my back hurts. like an old persons does. my stomach feels like a nuclear waste dump threw up in it. i cant shit unless its diarhea. i keep hearing those damn voices telling me to kill everyone. my chest hurts. i cnt remember nything well anymore. n i keep crying n i dnt kno why.
my life doesnt suck, honest. ive gotten by for 15 yrs. i lve my family n friends. i hve heard voices since i was little, so ive been fine. i play the violin n write. my parents rnt seperated. my sis doesnt hate me. my friends dnt hate me. im just put to the side a lot n it just hurts. but tht happens to often so im okay. see? im smiling. im okay.
no. i really want to go bc honestly why shud i get out of bed anymore. for pain? to hurt myself again? to know that if im gone another person may be saved? so i can listen to pple hurt me? no. im tired. im just too tired to deal with it. i survived longer than i thought. i always thought id die by 13.
so adieu. i give myself 48 hrs to disappear. so at 10:39 wednes day i shall be gone. or at 3:00 thursday since i like it better.
if i find a reason to live by then i may live. i just wanna say good bye now