My life is a mess. My father is an end stage renal failure patient, detected in the month of August 2016. Since then i don’t know where my life’s heading. My mother is old and we all are living together in a place away from my hometown due to my job posting. My aunt stays with us too. I am nearing 40 yrs, not married and I have decided not to. My father has to undergo home dialysis four times each day. During my stay at office in the day, my aunt helps him, who is completely bed ridden, to perform the dialysis. I return home at 9.30 in the evening and during night time i perform the dialysis duty. But for the last few days, my father’s health has just worsened, completely stopped eating, vomits out everything. I have taken him to so many hospitals and healthcare centres but there isn’t any cure to this disease. He is suffering a lot and i am helpless. Many nights have passed neither him nor i have slept peacefully. I know man is mortal and i wont be able to keep him forever but still why i hope i don’t know. At office my life is hell too, so many complaints against me, behavioural problems, not completing my duties in time and i dont feel all these are due to the stress at home i am undergoing everday. I am just not fit to be in job. I want to quit my job but if i do my father will die as my near entire salary is spent for his medical expenses costing around $800 pm. And at this age i wont be able to get a job by which i can sustain those expenses, although my father is a pensioner.
Tried so many times ending my life and misery but courage, i lack. Fear of the pain before dying and my parents stop me to end it. But this needs to end soon. I want peace.