My urges to kill are getting worse along with my apathy. So, I picked one of the worst days to escape. Yet, I find it amusing in a sadistic sort of way. For my sins, burning in Hell is a fate far too kind for me. I’m a monster… And I’m okay with that.
I just noticed something about myself. I twitch my fingers when I’m annoyed/angry. Am I the only one that has such a weird tick? Also, I know I would be an awesome serial killer with a weapon glove. Joking aside, I almost strangled my grandfather today but I managed to hold myself back since there are too many witnesses… My continued existence is also why I’m not religious.
I know I fucked up my last chance with her… Why she added me in the first place, both of us have no idea. Show me the question mark already instead of tormenting me with false hope! Does she really think I LIKE hurting people!? That I’m one of those psychopaths that get a kick from hurting others! Tch, if that’s the case, someone please explain to me why I feel like shit whenever I hurt someone, why I feel remorseful that I can’t feel empathy for others, why I know I will never forgive myself for throwing away the best thing to ever happen to me…
I realize I will never be happy as long as I live. I’m just a bird trapped in a cage and the only way to unlock the cage is by dying. I guess I’m fine with this ending… After all, this story should’ve ended a long time ago!
I lost the game. She really does hate me now even though, my depression and apathy were the causes for why I pushed her away. I guess I deserve this fate… A fate worse than death or Hell… A living Hell with only one escape. It’s fine. I was tired of fighting sanity and life, anyway… I’m moving my date to tonight.
I found something yesterday. It is either the start of my redemption or the end of my torment. I decided to make a game. This game will be extremely difficult and almost impossible to win. Yet, I’m satisfied this is the future I’m placing this one last bet on. The rules sound simple: Make my ex who hates me, fall in love with me again within 4 days. However, my depression and apathy have caused her to view me as nothing more than an asshole who enjoys hurting her.
If she truly wanted nothing more to do with me, why would she accept my friend request in the first place? I see two possibilities for that: she wants closure or deep down, she still has some feelings for me she first fell in love with. I know she may have blocked/deleted me already but I’m hoping she will give me this chance. I have struck out 3 times with her due to my poor mental state but this is the last chance; win or lose!
I swear on the scar on my right elbow, the proof of my will and my determination, that I will win or die trying! I will show her I want to hold her, to kiss her, to love her, to comfort her, to make her smile, to make her happy, to just be with her… If at the very end, the only way to make her happy is to leave then so be it. I make sure I can never be tempted to try again. She is the only future I yearn for and if my demons have made that into an illusion so be it! I refuse to back down now… I will rush forward be it to her heart or the ledge. Goddesses of victory and fortune, please watch over me until the very end. For these 4 days, I will either be your avatars’ or just another forsaken.
*is playing “Echo” by Jason Walker as I write*
Hahahaha, my ex re-added me on Skype but she hates my guts! Sure, I was whiny and apathetic to her but I was fighting a really bad depression at the time. Granted, I’m still fighting it but it lessened enough for me to have some clarity now. I missed her and thought we could work things out… I really did. I guess I deserve this for my countless sins.
The future I dreamed of has turned into a nightmare and I’m breaking at the seams. Damn, I feel like Laughing Jack right now! Then again, I guess I was always a clown… She once gave me hope but I threw it away while possessed by a monster. Now, when I need her the most, she gave me hope only to crush it right in my face… That’s fine… Who needs sanity and love, anyway? Damn, I can’t type right now. My hands are shaking too much. Before I completely lose my mind, I’ll stop myself before I hurt others. This will be my gift to them.
I’m going on ahead. I hope I don’t see everyone too soon. I’m sorry for leaving, everyone. However, my mind and spirit are broken beyond repair now. Even if I could regain my sanity one day, my spirit is dead. I know it’s stupid to die over a girl but to know she hates me in my darkest hour is too much to bear. I guess a part of me is happy to have talked to her one last time…
*is watching Jacksepticeye and Markiplier streaming videos then somehow finds ex streaming on twitch* Fml… If a big-breasted Asian gamer girl couldn’t snap me out of my depression… I guess there is no hope for salvation and I don’t think she’ll forgive me if I blame my “whininess” on clearly psychotic episodes…
So, besides ending it, does anyone have any ways to beat depression when you’re too apathetic to even eat?
I can’t do this, anymore. I’m done. I don’t even care about the mess or scarring my family, anymore. Here’s hoping I don’t see everyone on the other side too soon. Cheers! *drinks my fizzy chocolate milk*
I should be happy, right? My birthday is soon and I’ll be 25… Fuck that! I don’t want to live to 50, let alone 25. This urge is getting worse. I want to take a knife, cut open my stomach and rip my damn guts out.
This turtle I’m eating tastes nice… like gluttony.
The Count begins and ends at Zero.
They don’t see,
don’t understand… US!
With gouged eyes,
and broken minds… Scream and Cuss!
High on their happy ignorance,
arrogance blinds them
to the reason.
Treated like lepers,
only we see the truth
falsified as lies.
In the name of progress,
they dance off the cliff called Advancement.
In the name of freedom,
we run to the embrace called Death.
They desire power.
We desire peace.
My apathy is starting to overpower me again. The meds don’t seem to be working anymore and counseling only turns the apathy to anger. An endless abyss or a destructive wrath: what is the lesser of two evils? Sure, I want to destroy humanity but I’m not an anarchist. I’m just a realist.
Even if humanity doesn’t wipe itself out with war, environmental destruction and overpopulation, cosmic forces will do it for them. Assuming humanity could transcend age one day and become cyborgs/androids, would there still be depressed people? Wishful thinking, that is.
I’m tired but I can’t die despite my wishes… I’m not meant to be a savior when I couldn’t care less about people. This loneliness is painful but there is no cure for this poison. I want to kill all of you just to see if I will be judged as an angel of mercy or a devil of sin if God exists. That is the extent of my apathy.
Day by day, this world is makes less sense. Are Americans really that stupid to think a racist, delusional, pathetic failure of a businessman should be allowed to run the country? Combined with the vanity of ISIS, China and North Korea, this world is going to shit.
If Man’s nature is a lust to feel superior, to control, to dominate than I reject nature and humanity itself. Prideful ideologies unwilling to recognize its failures and accept differences are ingrained into the masses. Yet if those ideologies are destructive, what choice is there but to remove them? To realize one’s mortality and their insignificance is the first step to understanding truth, after all. Sadly, the price for that knowledge is a living death.
Sadly, Man desires to be God yet that is blasphemy. Despite Man’s higher intelligence, it’s too blinded by its own folly to realize the cause of its self-destruction. Isn’t that ironic? The very thing that makes one human is the poison that will kill them, one day. Yet it is a sin to release myself from the contradiction of life, my desired release must be given by a fate other than my own… That torture is punishment enough. So, let me trade this Hell on Earth for the true Hell where I can reveal my black wings.
I’m playing Stein’s Gate right now and it raises a lot of time travel questions. If you had a time machine, would you try to redo something in your life? Regardless of causality and everything else, of course. I would try to see what would happen if Trump never became a presidential candidate.
I don’t want to build a spaceship that travels at the speed of light or create replacement organs. I don’t want to figure out a clean abundant power source or a better way to grow produce either. I don’t want to do any of that nor do I want to participate in this stupid Capitalist system. I really don’t want to explain how socialism is not the same thing as communism and why a socialist president would benefit a semi-Capitalist America.
I don’t even care about the fact I was a guinea pig for now-commonly-used prenatal devices in Cali or the fact I helped preserve my great-grandfather’s of WW2 newspaper clippings; in a way my family’s history. Am I evil for not giving a damn about any of that? Shouldn’t I be proud I helped pioneer prenatal/newborn technology or saved Japanese-American history from being left to rot??? Than why do I feel so empty inside… That in the end, my unintentional accomplishments are meaningless and vain.
I don’t want to be a part of this species I have no respect for. I don’t want to participate in this “Game of Life” and “Monopoly” combination when I don’t even want to play. I wish I could just leave… To leave this world centered around battles of egos, black-and-white dualism and tragedy of the commons. I just want to disappear. If to act on that desire is a sin than I will gladly sin time and time again until I’m free.
Why am I so obsessed… Why am I so obsessed with world peace!?
Yet, I realized in order for that to happen someone first needs to become the bad guy. In order for a new system to rise, the old one must be removed… physically or mentally.
A physical reset would be one last World War where an absolute fear is ingrained so deeply that even 100 generations later still feel it. A final war that scars the land, burns the sea and splits the sky to leave a permanent reminder of the folly of individualism.
The mental reset is just as bad except it’s the ideals that are destroyed. The ideals of power, status and wealth shall be stripped of their glory; their ugliness revealed for all to see. The fallacies of religion, race and gender brought to the surface along with their trivial meaning.
However, who would be foolish enough to do something so horrific? To destroy everything even if it’s to create anew. To be remembered only as a traitor to their species, a heretic to their faith, a monster to their self… To overshadow the sins of Adolf, Judas, Cain, Lucifer, Stalin, Oda, Tokugawa and so forth as to make their actions look saintly. There is no greater punishment for eternal infamy than that, nor for the greatest sin. I would, time and time; I know I would. Even if I can’t start the fire, I can plant the seeds.
So, I just found out my best friend’s brother died from terminal illness. I know I should feel sad for him but I don’t. I realize he is Hurt but a part of me just wants to watch if he’ll Break from this. The loss he is feeling right now; I can’t sympathize or feel empathy for. God, I feel like a Monster but there is a contradiction.
Why do I want to save her? If I’m as evil as I think I am, the logical thing would be to leave her to her Pain and let her drown in the sand… Her bf seems perfectly fine with letting her sink but I don’t. Is this just loneliness, a crush or God forbid, love? If so, even if I have to jump into the quicksand with her to push her out of it; the stupid thing is I think I would even if it meant only a few seconds more for her to continue breathing. If love really is blind; I guess I’m fine staring into the darkness if it’s with her, if the light is too blinding.
I don’t know anything about you but I do think it will be a shame if you leave this world. Intelligent people gaze at the moon getting lost in the night. On the other hand, foolish people stare at the sun blinding themselves in the light. The sun starers think they are powerful but their blindness deludes them. As the saying goes, “knowledge is power.” One group can only see nothing but the other group can see everything. Do you know which group you are, Trix? From what I gathered, it’s the group that can see everything, However, you wish you were a part of the other group, don’t you, Trix? In this world, there definitely exists things people don’t to see or experience… Things that can drive anyone mad. It doesn’t make sense where the people who can see are driven insane by their sight. Meanwhile, the foolish remain ignorant to the problems yet they remain happy due to their ignorance. However, they can never see the beauty of both harmony and chaos in nature.
Trix, I know the beauty can be unsightly at times but you shouldn’t look away; it’s nature in its purest form. None of us should look away from such a sight. However, to look away is to admit weakness but that is okay. Weakness means you are human and humans are creatures that desire companionship. Sadly, the sun starers are too blinded to make adequate company for people like you. However, the people that know darkness and light understand you. I…No, that’s not correct… WE understand you, Trix! We know the madness and its pain… Yet, does that make us, moon gazers, any less than the sun starers… No! They are not better to listen to, more powerful or more intelligent than us! In fact, we are the ones better to listen to, more powerful and more intelligent! We exist in the shadows and the light while they only exist in the light. Like the allegory goes, they are the ones stuck in the cave seeing false perceptions while we are the ones that know the truth! We exited the cave called ignorance even though the truth can be painful! That truth is what makes us truly human in every sense of the word, Trix.
Upon the edge of insanity,
flashing back to those fragments.
A silent voice screaming,
torn between desires to redo and destroy.
Various persona debating in mental court,
judge hanging by a thread.
Wanting to love yet accepting loneliness,
questions fire out.
“Should I play or sigh?”
To fight against myself or to protect,
that is the question.
Gay or straight,
it doesn’t matter.
Feminine guys or tomboyish girls,
both are fine.
In yaoi terms, fellow ukes or semes,
I’ll play both.
“Anyone daring enough to try?”
If yes, accept the demon or free the angel,
but understand this if the angel is wanted:
Be quick to free, lest the demon kill!
If you will, allow me this brief moment to give my earnest.
Time to awaken, princess. The sky is waiting; reincarnation or fallen, those your fates.
O, lost soul wandering purgatory, will you take my hand?
Before the moon wanes upon this moment, I’ll hold you gently if you want me to.
I can hear your heart shivering in the silence
even though I’m just stroking your blushing cheek.
Perhaps this honest appearance scares you
yet you’re wrong to assume I’m an angel.
A vampire to savor your nectar,
an incubus to steal your soul,
a ghost to possess you…
Everything and more to sate your ease
yet the honey in my words and feathers in my touch,
those will never change.
This poem was brought to you by the Japanese songs, Aoki Tsuki Michite by AKIRA and Enamel by SID, PV links are as follows… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLOUMqyp_-M … https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDK02xlB47k .
Not being interested in life, ain’t that cruel irony for ya…
Normal people will never understand.
To them, life is sacred and in their narrow eyes, “throwing it away” is sacrilege.
Being with someone that doesn’t understand, will never understand…
That’s our follies, for ya.
To the rest of the world, we are nothing more than parasites,
draining the blood of the economy and relationships.
Stuck on their high horses, anyone that doesn’t want to play Monopoly with them
is better off dead.
To my reflection across the world, this life doesn’t make sense,
don’t you think so too?
In your eyes, is being with a fellow outcast that scary, that unknown for ya?
Unless you still wish to pray they’ll understand you one day…
Even a bad dream is better than a nightmare, huh?