Lately I’ve been having hardships in school, low grades, bad teachers, lack of enthusiasim, etc. I feel like I’m starting to accept the death of my mother, who I was taken from at the age of three and died and the age of six, but everytime I feel the wound has been healed, another scab has been picked open. My boyfriend started working 1630-0000, which means I get only an hour to talk to him when I get home. I started setting an alarm to wake up at 0000 so I could talk to him when he gets home, but the late hours are taxing my educational performance, and lack of quality time together is roughening the relationship. And the highlight of this post and why I came back; an old friend has just recently commited suicide. Like, a few minutes ago. I feel the need to say goodbye to this world once more and join Enki in the afterlife to find another. But I can’t bring myself to these actions; it’s as if something else entirely is controlling me or putting these thoughts into my head. My clinical depression has been getting much worse, along with my social anxiety. I’m starting to have inner conflicts with myself and for some reason I mentally torture myself. my doctor says these are the first signs of Schizophrenia. I want to curl up with my beau and cry for my recently lost friend and get it al off my chest, but by the time I fall asleep then wake up, my tears will have been dried up by hardened time. I feel like I’m drowning within myself. Not to mention, money is running low as we are saving to buy a new house. My dad’s girlfriend is staying at her cousins’ for now (a long story as to which I have no desire to tell) and we got there every weekend. Angel is a drunkard and uses people. We get so annoyed that we leave the cramped house to get away from her, but as the outside world is we end up spending money to pass the time. I feel shy to ask my dad for anything because I know we need the money. Once more, I’m drowning within myself. I feel thoughts of suicide running around the brims of my mind, and the death of my friend as pushed me even rather. Better yet still, I’m the one who pushed him into the final decision by hurting his trust. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost the ability to keep my meditations in my religion stable, so I lack the energies they gave off. I ask around for someone to help me keep myself from slacking, but they want me to do it on my own; but I just can’t! (spiritual Satanism. no sacrafices) And still I grieve for my lost friend..Of which I have done the deed of his death, though not by my own hand. I’m still responsible.
I don’t know why, but there’s this emptiness inside of me that’s carving me out from the inside and leeching through my skin. I don’t understand it though. I’ve had a really nice day, and then bam. I want to curl up and cry, slicing my skin each time a tear escapes. I got a detention a few days ago for something stupid, and school has become hell. I don’t remember what it’s like to have an actual weekend, let alone life because I’ve been going back and forth between people’s houses while my dad looks for one of our own. I don’t think my boyfriend understands my random vacancy. He asks me why, and I don’t know how to answer him. I’ve been reading the letters my mother sent to me before she died, and I’m not sure about that either. I feel like most of my friends have abandoned me, and on top of that I go to high school next year. I didn’t think last year could get any worse, but this year is way more suffocating. My teachers hate me, and I don’t understand why. I’m one of the most quiet kids in the class, while there are rowdy football players. they don’t get yelled at, but I do, and they never listen! I just wish I knew why I felt so empty…I was so happy about an hour ago…
My dad is getting married soon. He wants me to call his fiancÃ©e my mother. I can’t do that! It wouldn’t feel right, and she’s not. I like her, don’t get me wrong. Her psychotic Husband who she ran away from because of abuse is making up shit stories to make her feel guilty and get under her skin. She needs to press charges and get custody papers over the kids before he can but she’s not doing anything. I’m stuck in the middle too, in everyone’s way. No one knows what to do with me. My grandparents don’t want me home alone even with them there, because they don’t trust me or anything. My dad can’t work because he has to stay home with me or I have to go with him, so I’ll be away from home for a week every so often and then I can’t keep up with my meditations and I won’t be able to speak to my boyfriend, which is vital because of his depression issues. I’m moving back and forth between states and I’ll only be going to my old school for a few weeks, then I’ll have to enroll in a different school in the middle of the year. All the other kids (three) completely agree that we should just stay at my dad’s girlfriend’s grandparents’ house but the adults aren’t letting the adolescents have a say in anything. I don’t know what to do, how to help, or how to handle this.
Lamenting silently in my room. Had a serious mood swing. One moment I was happy and at ease and the next I just wanted to curl up inÂ a corner and cry. My brother says that it isn’t okay to cry. Is that true? Is it bad to cry? I’m pressing charges on my friends’ cousins’ for sexual harassment. I didn’t do anything to them. In fact, I never ever spoke to them before.Â My grandmother won’t talk to me. She waited to tell me that supper was done after it got cold. Yeah, she really loves me huh? In a way I don’t blame her. I walk dressed all in black, cuts on my arm, completely anti-social, so I can understand why she hates me. But it seems that when I stopped playing sports and began to chase after music, she stopped caring for me. She doesn’t do anything for me anymore. One time she noticed I was crying in my room, and demanded I tell her why I was. I didn’t want to tell her why, because she was being mean about it. “Tell me why you’re crying! I’m asking you a question! Answer me!” Then she got mad at me because I got scared. She neglected me and pushed me around, told me I had no life before, and wonders why I don’t make contact with anyone any more? I’ll be moving soon, so I won’t have to worry about her. But just the way she is! I hate her with a passion. She’s only nice to me when she wants something out of me, and it’s not right. Then she demands respect out of me. I tried to respect her before, but she won’t respect me. So she has no right for that mantle. or is all of this just me?
When you’re shivering and cold, it’s like there’s nothing else out there. Am I the only one who gets the feeling of being alone when I’m cold? It’s as if the chill calls to you and begs you to follow it and leave everything else behind. life is like a flake of snow, cold and light and harassed by its surroundings until you hit the ground, then become jostled around by the world around you until you melt in warmth. You’re still that same snowflake I guess, but you’re something different and more useful. The cold is brilliant, really. Closing your eyes, do you sometimes feel at home, or scared? I like to play with my hair when I get depressed. For some reason it makes me feel better, I think. It does something, and that I know. Sliding your fingers through soft and long hair. Am I the only one who does that? So many pointless questions… I don’t know why I’m asking. Maybe because I’m cold, and I have no one to talk to. The CD played its last song, but I don’t want to get up and play it again. Why? I ask myself that. I don’t know why I perform aimless actions like this..
I’m not sure if anyone will actually read this well, or even care, but I’m sick of this. Life is just time, and we’re only doing things to waste it or make the best of it. I’m sick of it! I want to see what’s existing opposite of time. I hate time. I hate life. The blade isn’t too far away, within arms reach, just one quick slice and it will be over. I don’t know how to handle this anymore. I just don’t know!! I’m just one drop of blood in the body of a healthy human, not needed and dispensable…. I’m tired in my mind, I’m tired in my body, and most of all, I’m tired in my heart. Waiting for a call is too much. Depending on one person to support all of you is too much, too hypocritical. Eventually He’ll need me to support him, but I’ll never be strong enough. Ever.. I’m not now, I never will be. Just one goodbye, one silent cry…
Maybe someday I’ll tell you about all of my pain. Maybe someday I’ll tell you that the real reason as to why I don’t sleep very much at night is because I’m just that scared of what might happen to you while I sleep. I want to protect you so much, but you’re not even here. The real reason why I cut is to know that everything isn’t an illusion. When will I tell you that? When will I tell you all the things that trouble me? When will I stop using depression as an excuse? Why can’t I pick myself up anymore? You tell me I’m strong, but underneath me is not solid ground. It’s water, and I don’t know how to swim anymore. When will I tell you how bad my schizophrenia really is? About the inner voice inside of me that I converse with before making a decision? About my panic attacks? About all of the other nameless things that happen to me because of it? When will I be able to admit that one sickness has probably caused the other? When will I bet able to tell you about all of the other countless things? The answer is never, unless I become dirty sober in two minutes.
Not answering…Not breathing…Why..??!?!
I know not to worry. But he didn’t call back like he said he would yesterday. “I’ll call back inÂ a minute” This is a really long minute. He didn’t return the call today…Â The second I showed my face in the kitchen this morning, I was yelled at. Because I have sleeping issues and it’s apparently my fault. Then I was b*tched at because I had my door closed. I always have my door closed. Always. ALWAYS. It’s always my fault.. I’m always the reason why everyone else is miserable, and the only thing I did was not interact with anyone but my boyfriend. I’m just a burden to this world, another leaf on the windshield…
Well, at a request, this is going to be a part of what I go through in life.
I’m fifteen. My mother died when I was six, I only saw her until I was three. My dad is getting married soon and I’ll be moving to a different state where the ground is sand, with three new siblings. My close relationships are with one of my friends, maybe two, My brother, my soul brother, and my boyfriend, who I’ve been dating since 12. I have social anxiety/phobia and paranoid schizophrenia. I don’t hear voices, I just get really sick and scared. I cut myself, but I promised my bf, brother, and soul brother that I would stop. I live with my grandparents and my dad. We’re moving out mainly because my grandparents treat me like I’m a foster kid. They only treat me nice when they want something. My boyfriend lives in a different state, but we’ve worked it out for a while. After a while, you don’t notice the distance. Because of my SAD, I don’t have many friends. I was rapedÂ when I was seven, and a lot of people call me a slut because I’m not virgin.Â I’m a full time musician, And I play six instruments. Flute, clarinet, guitar, vocals, keyboard, and harmonica. Not many people like me, but I also have trust issues. I’m quiet, and would rather stay in the dark. I speak Spanish, English, and Latin.
What’s the point anymore? Nobody cares… Just.. I should just end it….Now..
You told me you’d call back in a minute. You still didn’t. That was about four hours ago. Where the Fu_k are you? I know not to get worried, but it keeps happening more and more and I’m starting to think you don’t want to talk to me. I know you, but it doesn’t feel that way. What am I supposed to do? I can’t afford a plane ticket to get there and then back just to make sure you’re okay. I’m not getting any good gigs lately, so the band is in some tension. I know you won’t call back anymore tonight, you don’t have the time. I try to get better for you. I take my medication, but it’s not helping. I’m starting to get consoling for social anxiety and Paranoid schizophrenia so you don’t have to worry about me when you’re not at home. I know you’ll like this, but I also know you don’t want anyone else taking care of me. I know you want to be the reason I get better, and trust me, you will. No matter how long it takes.
I won’t be able to see him, but that’s okay. I will soon. Knowing that there will be a day of nothing, a day of having an empty heart… Sad thatÂ I depend on one soul to support almost all of me. Sad that I can’t walk on my own, that I need him there to protect me…Maybe someday, when I’m hurt, I’ll sprint.
It’s not like anyone really cared for me. I promised him I wouldn’t cut. I promised him I wouldn’t cry. I promised her I’d stay strong. As everything falls apart I realise that I can’t see any more colour. I can’t notice what they’re trying to tell me. So what if I’m a paranoid schizophrenic? Does it matter? Does it matter if I have social anxiety? Does it matter if I’m different? According to them, yes. It means a world of a difference. Trying to breathe and see through tear filled eyes. I know I feel guilty for cutting. For just breaking that promise. What will he do when I tell him? How will he react? I know I have to tell him. I will. But…