About a week ago, I tried to kill myself. I was depressed about being a failure in life, and I thought I didn’t want to live anymore. I was unemployed for over a year, couldn’t find a job, was soon to be homeless, and I eventually just gave up on life. But through my 1st attempted suicide, I realized something….I realized a future of struggling, is better than no future at all. Sure things can be hard at times, and even unbearable, but things CAN get better, and you have MANY chances to become happy. It took me almost killing myself to realize that. Now there are some things in life that’s out of your control, but there’s also a lot of things that you CAN control. For me, it was picking myself back up, and getting back out into the real world. No more excuses, no more video games, no more lost hope, no more being a bum…..I filled out 50+ applications in the past 4 days, and I finally got a job interview; something I once thought was impossible given my criminal background, and employment history. Now, I don’t have the job yet, and I may not even get it, but it’s progress. Eventually I WILL obtain a job, and I WILL get myself out of this darkness. There’s no point in being alive, if you’re not living, and in order to live, you need to strive for the changes you want. If anyone would like to make a friend, then I’ll be happy to help. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
I thought I was done with my “suicidal phase”, but I woke up thinking about it again. Will this thought never go away? Is it stuck with me like a mental disorder? Will it get continue to get worse until I try to kill myself again? The Will To Live, and The Need To Die are having an intense battle inside my head. I’m not sure which one is stronger. The Need To Die was down for the count yesterday….but he got right back up, ready to swing.
I walked for 30 minutes to get to the place I was going to commit suicide at. I wrapped an extension chord around the tree, and then tied a blanket sheet around the extension chord, so a noose could dangle down from it. I had the noose tightly wrapped around my neck, with a perfect knot to constrict my jugulars…..but in the end…..I just couldn’t go though with it. I was visible from the road, because I wanted to make sure people could find my body. But instead, I stood there crying…head in noose, just hoping someone would stop me. Every cell in my brain was screaming “I DON’T WANT TO DIE!”, but if that were true, then why am I here? I’m not sure if I truly felt like I wanted to live, or if something deep inside my brain stem kicked me into survivor mode….but now I’m here, sitting in my room, thinking of an excuse I can to give my sister as to why I took her alcohol. Something tells me that “I needed it for liquid courage”, isn’t the way to go.
Today is the day where I leave this Earth. I’m cleaning my room, leaving important things in easy to find places, and I’m writing my death note I had saved on Microsoft Word. I’m packing a bag filled with paper, pen, memorabilia, rope, and alcohol. I’m going to find a tree with my name on it, and call it home. I’ll be ready to leave in an hour. After I leave, I don’t plan on coming back. I know if I keep postponing this, I may never do it. There’s always a chance I will get scared and back out, but I doubt that will happen. If I don’t respond to this post within the next 5 hours, then…well…….you know.
Recently, I’ve been thinking “tomorrow will be the day I can end it all”, but then tomorrow comes, and I think “eh…next day for sure”. Well, now I have no excuses….tomorrow will have the perfect conditions. The only thing I have to figure out is how the police will find me afterwards….I’m to poor to own a cell phone, and I don’t want innocent bystanders, or my family, to see me in that state. Time to get creative.
We reign over Earth as dictators, slaughtering any organism that gets in our way. We rightfully take claim to all corners of the globe, without consideration or understanding for the previous owners. We value a human life, and marvel in it for all it’s worth, while dismissing others and deeming them inferior. We are, and forever will be, the gods of this planet…..but are we the divine entities we’ve professed to be? Or are we ignorantly self-assured? This kingdom we self righteously conquered to take claim over, Earth, is extremely minuscule; being just one of many planets in the solar system. We arrogantly declared this tiny island to be ours, only to realize how small it truly is. From our perspective, the solar system was immense, until we learned that this was just one of countless others. Then we discovered all these innumerable objects combine to form a single galaxy, but even this colossal giant is just one of over 100 billion. This means there are more galaxies in the universe, than there are individual grains of sand on every beach, worldwide. We are nothing more then a speck of dust floating through the universe. Too small to be noticeable, but not small enough to be nonexistent. Despite all this, we continue to assertively proclaim ourselves as predominate, and mighty. We boast of our accomplishments, brag of our intelligence, and constantly indulge ourselves in our own self satisfaction. We will always believe we’re exceptional in every single way, shape, or form…..and that’s because we are.
I just found out that my mom is doing worse off than I thought. She’ s in bad health, extremely self-conscious, and has a slight depression problem I never knew about. I was planning on killing myself next week (and it won’t be an attempt…I will succeed), but I don’t want to bring that extra trauma onto her. I haven’t changed my plans, but I guess it’s just nice to vent my thoughts to someone. I’ve always bottle up my problems, and won’t tell them to anyone….literally.
I’m pretty much going to kill myself next week, so I was wondering if I could make some new friends before then.
Pretty much what the title says. A few months ago, I started thinking about suicide, and now it’s to the point I have a death note prepared, just in case the day comes I’m ready to say goodbye. I made many decisions in my life that hindered my options for the future, and now making only enough money to “survive” is looking inevitable. I don’t have a sob story…no chronic pain, or constant depression (I know, I know….then why kill myself?). I just really don’t want to live my entire life being broke….my pride won’t allow it. Just looking for 100% honesty through debates and opinions. Please don’t be the” hero”, and tell me everything you think I want to hear. I’m looking for an honest conversation.
P.S- I’m 23, and $20,000+ in debt. I’ve been unemployed for over a year now, and was trying to join the Navy, but that fell through.