I hate to feel sick of working already when it’s my first year. But I feel useless and like I can’t ever be up to the level everyone else is on, and I’ll always be such a no good underperformer. I used to think I was smart but it’s not book smarts you need. It’s being normal, knowing how everyone else thinks, and creating systems that follow the normal thinking patterns that I’m clueless on. I’m sick of not having any energy, being so short of breath, coughing & gagging like a smoker when I’ve never smoked, being tired all the time and overall physically […]
Chronic Pain
Well after calling and waiting for a call back and calling and waiting for a call back and so on and so forth since fucking December, I tried calling the admissions office again today and still nobody picked up. Albeit I called around lunch but when else am I supposed to call? I rarely have any fucking time. Of course I tell my father about this and all he has to say is “I don’t think they want to talk to you anymore. You kinda let that ship sail.” when they haven’t TALKED to me ONCE since I got the application, and I haven’t heard […]
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen my wrists bleed.
I remember trying to slice my wrists in high school, and it accomplished nothing. I received no compassion. Instead people were disgusted and angry, and they scolded me and tried to shame me about it. I remember a slightly older classmate looking at my bandaged-up wrists saying “You’re going to have those scars forever and remember that dumbass thing you did.”
Here I am decades later, and the wrist has healed so well that I can’t even remember which wrist it was…. maybe it was both.
I tried OD’ing, and that was equally unsuccessful.
I didn’t keep cutting […]
I want to try something, for all of us. I recently sat down with my therapist and essentially explained what I was going through when I am depressed, considering suicide, making the plans.
After I was done, I felt so much better. I told someone exactly how it felt being tortured inside. And I want you all to do it here.
Write a few sentences (short might speak the loudest). Find music or a work of art. Make a video. Anything that calls out and resonates deep in you, and share with the world what it’s like.
Let me start out by saying this:
“Depression is sitting under a scalding shower, trying […]
Full moons around the corner and my sleep is getting worse
getting angry, 45 days sober, on house arrest in the middle of nowhere, court in November, could be looking at jail again
But I’m not looking that far. I’ve set a date for my suicide, if I still feel like it in June I’m going to kill myself.
started working again. Forgot how much I hate the farm, the hours suck, pay is horrible, work with a boss that hates me. Step dad’s suck balls. Real dads forgot about me. Chronic pain, need a hip replacement.
Wish I wasn’t an alcoholic, a good drunk would be awesome right […]
I wish I had more energy, but life beats me down relentlessly. I’ve been unable to breathe for the last few weeks. Cold weather really messes with my lungs and turns them into bags of endless mucus and the slightest move I make causes me to hack up a lung… which is really making it 1000x harder to get around, on top of my normal disabilities.
I had to tell a friend of 8 years to fuck off because she really screwed with my feelings. Or,s he showed she doesn’t give a fuck about my feelings. On a Monday she asks me to ask if I can […]
Okay, so maybe this is a bit unfair of me to ask at this moment in time…..as I haven’t never posted till tonight. BUT:
Have any of you ever really felt numb? I thought I had and I had to some rearguards….however tonight and as of this week, I realize something more.
And pls forgive me ahead of time, I have been drinking, but this is something I have found this past week…and I am sitting here…still waiting for my CHURRO!!! As if anyone can hear me, while the band is playing loud and I have turned down several offers of dances….I should probably take someone up […]
🙁 Life sucks….
My life up to now has been nothing but crap….. Superficial, fake, and just tiring. I’ve grown tired of having to fake how i feel just to cope with family and friends and life in general when inside i feel the opposite of what i’m faking. I was told that if you worked hard you do anything. That nothing was impossible… To only find out that i was being lied to. Everyone else acts like life is great when it really isn’t… They blind themselves from the thought that there really is no point to it. Anyways i was wondering how could i […]
Because when she died, she grew wings, because when she died she set her soul free.
Because of her death the world will finally know the truth….
Butterflybae’s book is being published, “MASQUERADE” we are helping her to finish what she started. Her blog was a very small portion of what she had written in regards to her book. She kept a video diary as well, that will be put up on Youtube for all to see in the next few days. Also a complete collection of all her songs and poetry will also be published.
I’m sixteen…and even so I don’t know what to do with my life anymore.
I feel like I’ve failed my parents and I’ve failed myself more than ever. For the past two to three years, I’ve tried to commit suicide, but I can’t bring myself to use a knife, or to pop a pill, or even to hang myself. I used to cut, but that became a hard stop when my parents found out and I’ve been clean since then. I tried talking to my counselor, but my parents got mad because they said: “It makes us look bad!”
I’m falling apart..inch by inch. I don’t like […]
Last week I thought I was starting to get better. I started to let go of my depression, trying to live normally and forgetting about everything that cause my depression. I thought I was doing well. But right now, everything… everything is starting to come back. Everything is starting to fall apart again. Everything is breaking. I’m now being consumed by my depression again and I can’t control it anymore. Maybe I can’t ever be saved from my mental illness. Maybe this is my fate. Maybe life isn’t really for me. And I’ve decided, I’m going to end this fucked up life.
Everyday is there behind me, with a hand on my shoulder. The feeling is sneaky and ugly and dirty. Sometimes it feels like you would clean me, to take my last breath. To get away from the evil feelings that I will never be enough and that nothing I do is good enough.
There’s always a nagging itch.
Before the kids wake… Maybe they won’t miss me. Maybe they’ll be better off. Maybe…
My frontal lobe is torturing me and I’m surrounded by sociopaths.
Is a movie called Pie where the guy drills a hole in his head from this madness, and that crazy need for relief is so […]
3 years ago, i started having really bad stomach aches. i was stuck in the house for 5 months, and my best friend moved away. i had tons of tests, but the doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong. by the end of that summer, i was extremely depressed and started cutting myself. when that school year started, i forced myself to play a sport (which i became very good at) and the pain kind of dissipated. i lost about 20 pounds, and I’m already tiny as it is, so i was down to about 85 pounds. when the physical pain sort of stopped, the […]
I love how you tell someone you’re getting over depression and they say, “Oh, one of those” and just stop talking to you. Yeah, that makes it sooooo much better. People are shit and there is nothing I’ve ever seen to make me think otherwise. The only times people even TRY to act like they care is when they are selfishly trying to feel like they are a “good” person.
I’ve been trying so fucking hard to get over being suicidal… I’m TRYING to keep it together… I’m TRYING to, even if I don’t have hope, LIVE at the very least. Yet I get more SHIT […]
I’m trying to keep it together here… I feel like life is just bearing down as hard as it can right now without outright killing me in some torturous way. Yesterday I found out that my sister, my best and… pretty much only real friend in life has a cyst near her brain that’s pressing against it and causing bleeding. She went to Seattle by EM Transport last night and I talked to her for a while on Facebook but… I just wish I could be there with her.
Not a day earlier I talked with… the best guy I know. A guy I’ve had a […]
Though outwardly I may appear to be happy really and truly, I’m dying inside. There’s that one straw that breaks the camel’s back or so they say. If so.I welcome the straw and the harbinger of death. Waiting patiently for that straw. Then I’m gone and I will not suffer anymore.
Today is a day when the (physical) pain just won’t go away.
I’ve taken six doses of Tramadol in the past 24 hours and the hurt is still there.
(I don’t take Tramadol every day; it’s reserved for the worst days–like this– when the pain is severe.)
I took it on top of my other meds, so my whole brain is probably one big circus sideshow right now.
My head is blurry, I can hardly think, and I have spent the entire day in bed. Soon I will go back to sleep, again, if my body will let me.
I apologize if my comments on your posts have sounded weird […]
Tonight, I am planning to kill myself. I have planned many times to but I have held back because of what seemed like people who cared or the sacredness of what people would think if I failed. Tonight, however, ends all of this. To if you were my friend or you call yourself a friend of mine, I am sorry, but you should have known this was coming. To my family aside from my adoptive mom, I am sorry. To my teachers and other adults, why could not have done something. I know you guys have seen my cuts and scars. Some of you have […]
For three days I was all excited… the guy I really like told me that he’d give me a chance… if… I weren’t suicidal.
SO! I took that thought an ran with it. I applied for college after having the app on my desk for about a month, and started feeling more chipper. I rewired my room as I’ve been planning, sent out orders for my shop, etc.. I was genuinely on the up-and-up for about three days. until today…
Today I see him, say hi, and he doesn’t even acknowledge my existence. Likely busy or having issues of his own no doubt, so I don’t blame […]