Having a super down spiral on that day is the worst. I did never have horrible birthdays but this year may be the top runner.!! Already fought with a friend, who’s now ignoring me (thanks for making it about you) and I may just turn my phone off and eat cake. Anyone want some light blueberry cake with cream or a non-alcoholic version of Tiramisu? It’s on me 😛 Who do I have.? No one can even bother trying to cheer me up. Well, fuck you. I don’t have to be happy today. It’s not my fault no one can handle that. I hope no […]
Category:
Rants
i dont know whether it is worse to be completely alone, or to have people in your life who act like theyre there for you but know they never are. its not even about going to someone when youre sad and need someone to talk to, its about them actually choosing to spend time with you and all of that.
I feel like as i go on i realise that, as much as it is nice for people to be there for you when youre sad, its better for people to actually want to be with you. I have friends that are the opposite of that. […]
why am I like this,
like a ball of wadded up paper, can’t I just focus and be normal and SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
they wont stop yelling “HEY”
Everything is so pointless, but I need to at least try- WHY “AREN’T YOU TRYING!!”
i’m sorry sorry sorry i’m trying I swear I just need more time, and maybe more effort, but my bed feels so nice..and maybe I can take a nap..
Maybe I won’t wake up and- “PAY ATTENTION”
“Yeah my bad”
“sorry I forgot”
“I’m just really tired”
So so so tired
tired of the cycle that […]
I can’t ever seem to do anything right. I’m falling behind in school. I keep forgetting to do my chores. Every little thing I do is viewed as a mistake by my mom. My brother is always the perfect one. The miracle. Why can’t she love me like that for once? Why does she always yell at me? Maybe I really am just doing something wrong. Maybe I really am the disappointment that she sees when she looks at me. I just want it all to end.
I’m 40 years old this year, and I still don’t know what to do, and whether I should continue to live, or just die?
by niki
written by niki
Long story short, my life is a complete failure. It’s full of wrong decisions, (in)actions, regrets, mistakes after mistakes, that I honestly think maybe it’s already too late to “fix everything” (eg: I’m losing all the good chances/opportunities, as I’m getting old now). It’s really ironic & tragic, because a lot of people always say that I’m very talented especially in music (I used to be quite an active musician & composer/songwriter, but sadly I’m still not famous & successful), smart, a deep thinker, a highly sensitive person, etc etc.
I am also an idealist, meaning that I actually have a BIG vision & idea for […]
Lately i’m not sure how i’m feeling, whether it’s really high, highs or really low, lows. I keep getting confused by the highs and think oh i’m getting better and then being proved wrong by the lows. I’ve dealt with a lot of past trauma, that being a lot of sexual abuse by people who i trusted and thought were there to protect me but realizing that i shouldn’t been protected by them instead was the hard part. I can’t remember when the sexual abuse started and i can’t remember who the first person was. I remember most people who have done it, my uncle, […]
I think I was just doomed from the start.
This society doesn’t want people like me, it prefers that I’d die. I’m gay and transgender, so I’m already a target for horrible people to take their frustrations out on. I’m too disabled to work, but the government won’t give me Disability. Even if they did, it’s not enough to survive on. I’m not good enough at art, music, or writing to make a living off of it. Streaming is too tiring with my depression and chronic pain. I’ve tried to get a remote job despite my disability, but I’ve only gotten scams. I’m running out of […]
I belittle myself. I think I can’t do it. I’m not smart enough. I have no common sense. I’m too skinny. I am a failure. At tennis. At school. At drawing, sometimes. At my own body. And I just can’t breathe. Emotionally and physically. I’m intrigued and fascinated by the thought of cutting. It’s just so tempting. But then I stop because I’m scared. And how will I get a sharp enough blade? (All excuses)
Sometimes I want to take a knife. But then I would get caught. Some one is always out there, in the kitchen, the living room. There’s always someone here. And I hate that. I hate having someone home 24/7. I can’t get a knife, can’t keep a diary, can’t keep a secret, can’t cry in peace, can’t sleep in peace, can do school work in peace, can’t procrastinate and play games on my iPad (iPad kid vibes, yes I know) in peace, can’t even draw in peace because someone is always watching. Someone is always there, and when they’re not, I fear they’ll return. When […]
I heard something, that I shouldn’t have. That’s all it took and now I want to rage quit on life. I guess we bury it so deep, that it’s not even visible to us, until someone else reminds us. It’s 4:32 am and I want to self harm. The harm’s already in my head afterall. Why couldn’t I get upset at a more convenient time. Now I have no one to talk to.
I was meant to be better, so much better.
I’ve been happy, so much happier.
but it always comes back, the sadness, it’s overwhelming.
the urge to kill myself just doesn’t leave, it comes back screaming and fighting.
I don’t want to die
but I need to die
I need to.
Day after day, minute after minute, I live in pure frustration and desperation. I want to know what’s wrong with this head of mine, but I can’t figure it out. No doctor or therapist will truly listen to me but that’s beside the point. I need to know why I am the way I am because not knowing is killing me quite literally and I don’t know what to do. I can’t trust anyone. I am sensitive, so people’s words and actions are very powerful. If someone tries to see my scars for fun or because “they have to” things don’t end well. […]
I last posted a since-deleted post in January 2022, a post which talked about how a friend hurt me….anyway, I found myself returning to this site this month. Coming back here and lurking made me think of all the years I spent lurking on the Suicide Project before posting.
When I was fourteen, I first found this website, and I’m almost twenty-eight now. You’d think some things would get better as teenage life is much different from adult life, right? Unfortunately, my illnesses prevented me from becoming employed. Now, I spend most of my days at home waiting until something happens that lands me into a […]
I’ve tried recovery countless times, but each time I failed and relapsed. I don’t know what to do anymore. It hurts so bad, I can’t breathe. I tell myself I have no real reason to feel this way because I have all the support I need, but it doesn’t help if I don’t know how to trust anyone. Every best friend I’ve ever had has left me more broken than before, so I’ve given up on having friends. I tell myself that the people I call friends are my friends so I’ll feel less alone. I pretend to trust them, but I don’t. I tell […]
I’m trying to keep my head above water but I feel like I’ve lost all hope, my therapist isn’t helping so come next week my therapist is going to be fired, therapy was my last hope I’ve tried getting help since I was 16 and, 15 years later still no help. I comfort eat, comfort shop and that’s why I’m broke all of the time. My teeth are rotting but because of my autism and my dentist being poor and not understanding I was fired from the only dentist in the area. I have very little energy in the day and I don’t really want […]
it is really hard to love an emotionally blocked parent who expects honor and special treatment but tries to control and dismiss you at the same time. As someone with emotionally immature parents, I do not get my emotional needs met. They have very little interest in experiencing emotional intimacy. They always demand attention but coupled with their wariness about intimacy, there is a very strange push-me, pull-me relationship. It is unsatisfying and causes you to be emotionally lonely. I care about my parents, but I can’t and won’t ever get close enough to have a real relationship. I am very thankful that I have […]
Sometimes i feel like i can’t do this anymore. I have a lot of issues, i know but how do they all stem from one point? I have been suffering with weight issues for a long time now, since 4th grade. And i can’t lose it no matter how hard i try. Because of that i compare myself to everyone, like “Look at her, she’s skinny and so beautiful” or “why can’t i look like that?” That comparing of looks and weight turned into me comparing myself to others about intelligence. When i don’t understand something i freak out and beat myself up for not […]
Being lgbt is hard sometimes
I can’t drink anymore because of what it does to my body but I need something to stop feeling. I have other coping mechanisms but nothing numbs everything like alcohol does. When I was younger I always thought I’d end up as an alcoholic or a drug addict. This reality is too hard to stomach on its own. My meds help but not with depression.
Wtf do I do without alcohol?
I am so tired of managing symptoms, talking to therapists, restraining urges, surviving, getting by, never living as more than that for more than a second. I don’t get anything from therapy anymore. Talking doesn’t make it any easier. That’s why I’m posting here, I just want to get it out, not to be listened to.
I need to stop for a moment. I need to lie down and hibernate or stop existing just for a break. I’m so tired of management and the dry, crushing boredom of ‘recovery’.
Life feels like an endless loop of cleaning up one problem after another and nothing but numbness in […]