That pipe, oh so short
How I sat next to it
So bright, as if it would’ve lasted centuries
So bright, I believed it was longer
Might’ve run the galaxies and back
It only lasted three months
Each time I returned,
It thinned a little more
Dimmed a little more
It cracked a little more
Until nothing was left
This one too, huh?
I placed it too high
Thought it too long
Thought it too sturdy
There is never
Anything
Sturdy Enough
Not even
The shoes I run the galaxies with
Category:
Rants
Mr. Sun, what are you doing here today?
You are bothering my sleep, and I’d rather you not.
But I’m not mad. Though, I’d rather sleep forever.
Want to know why, Mr. Sun?
When I sleep, I feel as though the black ocean from the back of my mind comes and washes away all that was left of the day.
I hate myself! I hate myself! Alcohol just keeps enabling me to do the worst shit but its the only thing that takes the edge off. I know im a bad person and its so fucking laughable how im still trying to convince myself im not. I keep scaring people and losing control and lashing out. I dont even want to be alive but i have to be. I have to be for other people but im just so tired and weak. I wish everyone would just stop clinging on to me so hard and let me go. I dont want to be here anymore and its been that way for a long long time.
Why do i keep doing these things. Please just let me go already so i can die
This feeling
This sensation
The recognition
But
The disremembrance of this
What is this?
We are all the same here
I believe we are
Maybe not on the outside
But
We all share the same interests
But, who is the odd one out?
All of us?
One of us?
It all feels too familiar
Like a deja vu
Maybe it’s because I can’t remember
But
The sensation
The recognition
The wave of emotions take over
Mind completely blank
My only escape taken from me
The other one out of reach
This familiarity
If only I can remember
Something, other than the pain of a deja vu
Ten years ago I found my depression, and lost my mind
Nine years ago I found my first razor, and lost my body
Eight year ago I found the pill bottle, and nearly lost my life
Seven years ago everyone found out I was gay
Six years ago I lost my ROTC scholarship
Five years ago I lost my friends
Four years ago I lost my family
Three years ago I lost the national championship
Two years ago I lost my passion
Last year I lost my best friend (and soul mate)
Six months ago I lost motivation
Last week I lost my sanity
Yesterday I lost my strength
Today I lost all hope
Now I’ve found a solution
Tomorrow I’ll lose my life
In this space
My eyes are open
But in reality, they’re closed
There is nothing around me
But darkness
And I sit
Waiting for something
Anything
And it comes
Whatever it was
It was a darkness unwelcoming
It brought about truths, lies, and all things in the dark
I hide
And wish for that darkness
For the night the savior arrives
It visits me every night
Coming like a wave of pure black night
Washing over me
Cleansing
Removing
Ridding the scars the other one left
I swam in an ocean of freedom
The scars gone
A light flashed
Intrigued, I reached towards it
It brought me back to life and burned me
I wanted to let go
I wanted to swim in the dark ocean forever
But, I was too weak
Too afraid to let go
Too afraid to save myself
So I shut myself
And let it drag me about
I’ll do whatever it wants
Until the night the savior comes
For the rest of eternity
Coming
And washing away
All that was left of the day
I want to start off by saying I’ve been coming on this site for 5 years now and reading all your stories and finding comfort in them. I haven’t had the urge to make an account and speak my truth till now. I feel extremely defeated by life. I am 24 and I’m ready to go. I’ve struggled with mental illness for about 13 years now and it progressively gets worse as I get older. I believe it all stemmed when I was 5, I was raped by a family remember repeatedly for 2 years. I was very young but I knew what was happening was wrong , I told my mom and she didn’t believe me. Everyone in my family thought I was lying. At school I passed a note telling someone what happened to me and I remember getting suspended for it. Nothing was ever done about it. So as I grew older I’ve always had self esteem issues and been in and out of mental hospitals. I have tried all kinds of medicine and different doctors even did some bullshit hypnosis because I have literally tried everything under the sun. I asked for a lobotomy and apparently I don’t qualify because I don’t take the anti psychotics they give me. I don’t take them because they sedate me and make me feel so apathetic when really I’m a very caring emotional person. My self esteem issues have put me in relationships with men who could careless about me. I’m always getting cheated on or left for someone else. This destroys me and just makes me think what the hell is wrong with me. Why does everyone leave ? Why am I never good enough ? So I thought I found someone who truly loved me. We were together 3 years (yeah not a lot to some people) and I had two miscarriages with this person. He never showed up to the hospital when I was having neither of them, he also left me for another woman while I was pregnant with the second baby. This destroyed me of course and I got extremely low and sick and my baby also ended up passing away at 11 weeks. I come to find I have a gene mutation called MTHFR (yeah I’m not joking that’s the acronym) that is the cause to my miscarriages and mental and physical illnesses. The doctor told me I’m basically going infertile and it will be extremely hard for me to ever have a kid. As a woman, it has devastated me and thrown me into a dark hole. Not that women are only here to procreate but me, I, have always wanted to be a mother. When I heard that I shut down and started experiencing depersonalization and agoraphobia where I didn’t leave my house for 8 months. I grew extremely scared of people and my own psych. I began to force myself to leave the house one week and I met somebody. An older man, 23 years my senior. He of course does not look his age so I began speaking to him and he just made me feel so good about myself like no one has before. We began to date shortly after that, he was amazing. He began to change later on becoming verbally abusive and even physically abusive one time, I still adored him with all my being. I’ve been seeing him about a year and a half now but have recently caught him seeing another woman. I am destroyed. It has happened once again, I am never enough for someone no matter what I do. I’m afraid it’s just going to be a continuous cycle my whole life. Just going to attract people who don’t ever truly love me and I’m never going to have the kids I’ve always wanted. Not only do I want to die because of this but I’ve been currently homeless and jobless for 2 months thanks to this pandemic. I just see no silver lining coming anytime soon and I believe it’s my time to go. If you have gotten this far into my post, I greatly appreciate you for reading and giving it your attention. I simply had to let it all out in writing once and for all.
Today OI’m actually kind of sad. MAN FUCK THIS WORLD. I just had to buy an expensive car that lord know how I’m gonna pay for due to my roommate needing rides. I wish I was already in a good place in life where I could afford this but the truth is that I’m not. Literally don’t know where else to post this. OH and as for the old car it took a big old shit on me and my life. FUCK PATRICIA ( MY OLD CAR) the repairs will cost me about 3500 plus 600 for a miss fire she has. So I need to get rid of the *****. IDK how. Nobody’s buying cars and IDK where I can dump it to just let that be someone else’s headache. I hould have sold her sooner. Too bad
i didn’t know better. Ignorance is a sad thing. Take it from an idiot. I am so stupid and easily used. I just wanna disappear now. honestly fuck my life.
As for the song. Today all the good girls go to hell. Fuck me, fuck EVERYTHING.
My lovely bluebird
My cute dove
My beloved
And all your likes
Spread your wings and soar
Soar!
High above the trees
The mountains
Spread your wings
My loves
And soar!
Soar high above the land dwellers
Soar!
Theyll watch in envy as your wings graze the heavens
My beauties
My lovelies
My beloved
Ill watch from below
Far below
From below the land dwellers
Ill watch
As your feathers graze the heavens
Ill use them
Ill thank you
Your feathers replacing mine
Your feathers repairing
My tearing
My weary
My torn
Wings
Hopefully Ill soar
Hopefully well soar
Hopefully
One day
Above the heavens
Well sing
Me
And my fellow torches
Deep within the caverns
Cold
Unlit
Me
And my fellow torches
At the entrance
Burning bright
My torch
Is it burning bright?
Has it been burning bright?
Forevermore?
My torch
Has it been cold
Unlit
Forevermore?
Did you
Light my torch
To a crisp?
Did you
Drown my torch
Out cold?
Our torches
The rumble
The wave
The earthquake
The tsunami
How am I to get it back?
Through the bottomless sea
Through the fire
Behind the island
Behind the boulder
Deep within the Earth
My torch
Where can it be?
Our torches
Whatever has become of them?
Come
Come hither
Come hither
Come
Come hit
Come hit
Hit me
Like a tidal wave
(Like a tidal wave (tidal wave))
Hesitating?
Hesitating when
Smacked in the face?
By whom?
I havent moved an inch
Are you sane?
Insane?
Im sane
Going insane
Dont look at me like that
You hit
I take
With each and every passing day
I loose another piece
The world should just swallow me whole
Swallow me
Into purgatory
Into the depths of hell
I shouldn’t be allowed anywhere but hell
One moment it’s hell
The second, a marathon
The third, mass homicide
The fourth, peace
The fifth, what more is there to say?
‘Cinnamon isn’t sweet. My thoughts they are filled with fear over this future. Sure I’m not depressed, but I am schizophrenic, jobless and stupid. ‘m afraid there isn’t a better future in hand. But, I want there to be. When did life become so complicated? When did the things we hate become that which we need in order to survive? When did Taxes, jobs, educations become life? What happened to games, and playing, and loving, and cheerfulness? What happened to our childhood? Why is this so hard? I mean now that I’m not depressed life hits me like a ton of briks. Can’t win for losing with this. It feels like there’s so much to this and I cant make ends meet. I don’t know what to do. I’ts like I’m constantly drowning and the little progress I make is when i slap the water. But that isn’t progress, I’m not getting safer with that, I’m not getting closer to shore or out of the water, I’m just trying not to sink. I wonder if anyone else feels this way. Maybe it’s just me.
Done with me
Sick of me
Whatever led
That vent
To be clogged
There will be no apology
Since the very beginning
My dislike runs deeper than her hatred
My endurance runs longer than her temper
Ive lasted longer
Why are you
Done with me
Sick of me
So soon?
I shouldve been
Sick of you
Done with you
Long before you
Yet
Its the other way around
How do
How do I
Flip this back
Should I flip it back
I dont think
It
Matters
Anymore
I wanted from others what those I trusted could not give me
I want not from others what those I trusted could not give me
I don’t trust them enough
But, hypothetically, if they could give me what I want
I’m afraid, I’m too clingy, I’m too needy
Eventually it’ll be too much
I don’t trust them
yes
smoke them cigs and have the remnants in your lungs
coiling your insides like a snake
until you die
–
you can’t fight what’s already growing inside
you can’t fight what you did to yourself
you can’t fight your instincts
you can’t fight the seed you planted yourself
you can’t undo the cigarette you just smoked
To add on the story of Juliet, he did it Romeo left you because you weren’t perfect, it’s okay but it’s not because you couldn’t live without him so next thing you know you stop writing because you where in the hospital you relapsed and took magic candy’s that can make you go away but people care so you where in the hospital. You are no longer happy with yourself because you without him is like a circus without a clown. But he’s the clown because he hurt you for the 5th time so maybe he’s not the clown but you are for falling a toxic piece of shit. A piece of shit that could have killed you. You’re better off without him but he’s a drug. He’s your drug and you’re addicted. But… nothing can numb the pain that you feel because you’re broken because of him. Sleeps numbs the pain the Romeo did. I love him… But I shouldn’t.
Little cacti, little cacti
Look at you
Absorbing all that water
Won’t you ever wilt?
Little cacti, you remind me of quicksand
Absorbing everything and anything
Even lies
Sometimes I do wonder
What would happen if lava came in contact with quicksand?
Or bombs that might sink in?
Will the sand be reduced to nothing?
Will the bombs ever explode within the sand?
Nothing lasts forever
Do you ever wonder what happens to the things that sink into the sand?
Little cacti, you take the lies and perceive them to be the truth
But one day, the quicksand will grow weary and become tar
Just like it’s former self, little cacti,
It’ll absorb all the lies
But dissolve them to nothing
Dissolve to nothing
Dissolve
To nothing