Rants

It feels as though I’m so alone, without a way out. It’s like drowning, first panicking, then once the water in you, finally a sense of peace. I’m waiting for when the water enters me, a sense of peace which I haven’t felt in over 3 years. I’m scared I’ll do something drastic because I know what I’m capable of.

I’m not religious but sometimes i wish i were because then i imagine how i was born with sicknesses because i wasnt ever supposed to live for as long as i do and modern medicine ruined ‘the plan’. So the reason i feel wrong is because i am wrong and if i died it would be right again. i know there’s a dozen ways to turn this and choose a different conclusion. I just want to feel like it would be okay for me to make the choice to die myself, and that i wouldnt actually hurt others with it

Three years.

That’s how long I’ve been away from home. Part of me will always remain in NZ – but right here, across the ditch, I’m right where I should be.

As a person, my emotions no longer dictate how I carry myself. Logic is what guides me in all that I do, yet what I feel in the world around me is what helps me stay true to myself. In my line of work there’s a severe shortage of empathy – of people who do give two hoots about those we support and the work that we perform. Rather than end up like the rest of those morons; I choose to do what needs to be done. No matter the cost.

The first client I ever “grew attached” to invited me to a client function where there were drinks and food aplenty at one of Sydney’s most exclusive joints. They’ve continued to look after me ever since, and I’ve always got a desk at their office.

Another client put on a little surprise party for my birthday last month, complete with decorations and a cupcake. The outpouring of love and generosity was humbling to say the least. That same client insists on buying me lunch whenever I show up at their clinic, too.

A couple of weeks back once I’d finished work, I sat down with one of the main contacts at an important company of mine – what should’ve been a ten-minute debrief ended up being a three-hour conversation on our personal life stories. The conversation flowed with an eeriely natural pace, our eyes studied each other intently. That same client has entrusted me to look after her 20-odd staff during an important project whilst she’s away.

The work I do and the people I support gives my life meaning. But through it all… there’s still the darkness. Each day I have to let some light in, and yet I know that I can’t ever truly let the lightness shine all through that part of me. That dark place within me is what has helped form the empathy that makes me who I am.

Heck… the darkness is the most important part of me, I’d say.

No, I’m far from perfect. I still have a lot of growing to do, and a lot more self-reflection so I can understand myself better.

Of all the roads I’ve travelled, the ones from these past three years have led me to where I belong. I just have to keep walking forward… no matter the weather.

—

Are any of the old timers still around here? I’d rather not invoke any names but… you know who you are…

I’ve thought quite a bit about the time I spent here back in 2014-2015, the many friends I made, and the life changing events that took place. Whether I like it or not, this website and the people who make it will forever be a part of me. I just… I wish I could make amends with certain people from here, and even touch base with dear old friends.

Well, anyway, if you’re reading this – whether you’re someone from way back or a relatively new comer to this slice of paradise of ours – be well, and stay safe in this uncertain world of ours.

As I sat there, a young man, broke, unable to pay his own bills and still being supported by loving parents who believe that I just don’t care, when in reality, I just feel like everything and anything I attempt in any capacity is just pointless because of my sheer inability to do anything of note of value; it’s hit me.

Granted I’ve felt this for years at this point but still.

I’m my own worst enemy.

My disgusting obesity and overeating, constantly pissed off at everything I do incorrectly, always angry when parents, even when they say things out of love and support, or try to joke about it so as to not hurt my feelings, all now I’m just my own worst enemy.

I’m nothing but constantly furious at myself and the situations I get myself into. It’s all on me at this point, I’m old enough to not point any fingers.

I’m sick of wasting my own time, of relying on people’s help for everything and not on myself. It matters not what I’ve done, it wasn’t sufficient enough. I have to do better and try harder.

I think I need to see a therapist. I haven’t been to one up here, and the last time I was at one was back home like 3 years ago, and that didn’t work out too well..

Maybe I should step away from SP as well, idek.

Half the time I want to physically die. The other half of the time, I want to fix all my problems somehow.

Made this post a year ago and never posted it. Now here I am, a year later, feeling the same. I don’t know what I want, and I feel like I never will. I feel like my life ended after high school.

I’m not motavated. Glued to a $18,000 a year Job paying $323.00 for my car + gas, ect’ on a $800 2 week check. I’m full time.

Saved enough for my single self. Though I just wanna buy a gun and play with it. Hoping to build courage to pull the trigger. Money is so poisonous to Mankind. It Stalls and cripples the efficiency of the majority of people. It’s a luxury for the privileged. The lucky and Rich..

It’s hard finding the edge on the higher class..

To build a foundation out of nothing..

Helping myself could be lethal to others. Deadly. Dangerous. I could die. And that’s all i think about..

DEATH

I’ve had a sorethrot and headache for 5 days now. So I went to a Clinic down the road from my house. Easy parking, the office was empty. I asked the lady at the desk if they gave covid testing, witch I already knew because I looked up locations on my phone.

She replied as if it was the first time someone has asked her. “Yes..we do” is it free I asked she say “No. Insurance will cover half, but without its $200”

I bailed immediately. I soon looked deep into looking for spots/locations that did FREE Covid testing. I just figured you know. DUREING A PANDEMIC AND INCOME RESTRAIN it would be FREE?! I live in Arizona so the death toll goes up by the hundreds every week. The news says the resources for testing is unlimited, while its free for the public.

I drove to a closer Clinic and just delt with it. Hopeing it was cheaper. Nope. 130 dollar walk in and 70+ for testing..

Just proves my Theory right MONEY is more valuable than LIFE.

Go fuck yourself, hope everyone dies.