i feel so pathetic, honestly i’m over it.
i’m tired of feeling like this. i’m tried of getting over looked and feeling like my feelings aren’t vailed. this is all bullshit. when i actually opened up it was a sign of me seeking for attention then, now i cant even reach out for help nor say that i’m not okay because that means i want attention. i feel weak i’m not strong enough to get the help i need again because i have this fear that she’ll end up ignoring me because oh i’m doing it again . it’ll be like a cycle, oh i reach out to say i’m not okay, everyone turns away and sees it as me wanting everyone to look at me or thinks i’m trying to manipulate them. which i have gotten told that by my mother sadly i still haven’t been able to forgive her for that but she never asked for my forgiveness. everyone thinks i’m such this strong person who can get through anything and nothing really fazes me. that is not true i have built this wall that has me blocked from showing that i’m not okay and i’m struggling all on my own. no one has ever stopped to see that maybe this so called strong person actually isn’t.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Life is not fair
Life is not fair
Some people are lucky,
Some people are not
Some people live a successful & happy life,
Some people fail miserably & even commit suicide
Everything is just only a random chance
The universe doesn’t care
We are just only a tiny little speck of dust in this vast universe
Nothing matters.
One thousand, one hundred and fifteen days have gone by since we discovered you were no longer a part of this universe, our universe. It has gotten easier to process but it’s still not easy. The shock of it never ceases. It is still surreal. How can I summarize in words the cluster of pain we feel everyday given your absence? Let’s see. The reality that you are missing and missed our daughter and son’s 16th birthdays, his phenomenal culinary skills, his dream of becoming a chef and his fascination with living in Japan someday, our daughter’s early high school graduation, 18th birthday, first year of college and her being on the honor roll with a 3.81 GPA and her extraordinary producing and deejaying talents, is saddening. The reality that you will not be present for other monumental moments in their lives such as college graduations, weddings, births is even more heartbreaking. The thought that our beautiful daughter and handsome son haven’t had a male role model since you left, causes tears to well in my eyes almost every single day. When our son comes to me asking questions only a man can authentically answer, I do my best to fill your shoes but I shouldn’t have to. When our daughter tells me that a young man she’s dating reminds her of you in the way he protects her, it’s bittersweet. Bitter for obvious reasons and sweet because she at least has someone who, for that moment, is a positive reminder of you. You left us to pick up a million shattered pieces. You left me to raise two human beings that we created together, on my own and it hasn’t always been a breathtakingly gorgeous emotional walk in the park. There have been and will be countless nights I shut myself in and weep silently in my pillow so not to cast any more of a crushing burden on our children. Why couldn’t you have been strong enough to pull through the rough times? Why couldn’t you have in the darkest of hours, seen their four impressionable eyes staring back at you, counting on you to be the protector as you’d always been? Where did the tragic turn in the journey begin and ultimately end? Why did you let go of this thing called life? Was there something I could have done or, anyone for that matter, to change your mind? Is it unfair of me to call you weak, curse your ashes and regret the day I met you? Absolutely because obviously, you felt an indescribable hopelessness in which I simply cannot fathom. This tragedy has taught me, albeit a process, not to project so much but to lead with compassion, understanding and empathy. One never knows how rough someone’s terrain is until they too walk on that very terrain in that someone’s shoes. Just because there’s a smile on someone’s face doesn’t always mean their spirit shares that very sentiment. Who am I to judge you? Will I still have my moments of anger, sadness, confusion and a whole bunch of feelings and emotions I sometimes choose not to control just so I can allow myself to feel organically, versus distract myself and become numb? The answer is a resounding yes. I’m human and I’ll always wish you were here to see our babies, who are now young adults. Watching them triumphantly maneuver through this cold world we live carrying the legacy of you not being here on their backs, assures me they are resilient and in time, they will be just fine. They are truly champions and my hero and heroine. I cannot help but acknowledge and credit you though for most of what you instilled in them during the brief time you had in their world, which contributed to the stand up and strong human beings that they are. Thank you for that because outside of God’s love, those very attributes are the things that have enabled them to keep moving forward and upward, even when the light is so dim at the end of the tunnel. Not a day goes by in which we don’t share a story and/or a laugh about you and despite it all, you are terribly missed. I know that it will never be easy but each day, it will get easier. Continue to rest in peace.
why do shitty things happen to me? i have an abusive father, i have a mom who’s always sick, i have a brother who feels the same as me and i have an uncle who’s a complete drunkard. my parents would always fight every now and then which is so fucking tiring. i would always witness their fights for years and it has become so toxic to the point that it makes me bear the situation. i’m so helplessly tired, my friends at school can’t even take me seriously. my internet friends are fucking far away. i don’t have anyone to rely on because my dad would always use me as an emotional punching bag of his frustrations and regrets after he finishes with my mom. seriously, why would you fucking raise a child when all you can do is to press all your disappointments and failed dreams to us? why can’t you see that i am also as tired as yall. you can’t even respect me as your child. i fucking hate this life, i hate this household, i hate myself. this is just so pathetic. i’m a fucking loser. i hate everything. i’m tired, i want to just die instead.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
To grow up and being an adult (adulthood) is overrated and depressing
When we grow up into being an adult, often we are pressured to be “realistic”. But at what cost? Too often, especially when you’re not ‘lucky/fortunate’ enough, all this whole “adulthood” and “grow up” things just turned us into a jaded, weary, bitter, cynical, apathy, limited, empty, cold, sad, & depressed person/individual..
The young, youthful, carefree, freespirit, creative, lively, happy, & dreamy/dreamer “child” / “childhood” in us often times slowly have died.. as we grow up into being an adult..
And for many people, it also usually means that we have to “let go”, or to be more honest & real, I would say that we are being pressured to kill our dreams..
Reality is cruel, cold, disappointing, very limiting, mundane/boring, stupid, pointless/meaningless (often times), & depressing.. especially for some of us who have fully realized it & wake up to the harsh truth.
My entire life, totaling twenty-two years at the point of writing this, I’ve never had a real aspiration. No dreams, at least if I did they were lost when I was young and my mind was still free. My father died when I was young, leaving behind no more than his story and the memories his loved ones had. He was very successful for himself. Having served his time in the Air Force to protect the ones he cared about, he attended college achieving a bachelors degree in computer science with only a single class that he had a grade lower than an eighty. His pay in a year back in 2000 was more money than I’ll ever see throughout my lifetime. Both my parents kept foster children for almost ten years and adopted two of them. After that, they had two of their own. My dad succumbed to cancer just a few years after that with lots of life left to live. My entire life has been in his shadow, the near perfect man he was. I’ll never live up to those standards, but that’s what people expect of me.
I know that I’ll never be him, and I always have. I shrugged off every comment about how I favored him so much, how I’m just as smart as he is. I slugged through high-school doing poorly with not a care for anything in the world other than video games. It’s pretty safe to say at this point I was addicted to them, getting that unreal feeling of not being myself. I thrived in that letting myself really believe I could mentally be someone else. As it became time for college, I applied to a few small colleges near me that would accept anyone. I had a GPA of about 2.8 and managed to attend a community college near my home. I dropped out after a year, and there I was. Almost twenty with no job, no future and no aspirations. Since then, I’ve done nothing but make mistakes and fuck more up than I could have ever imagined.
I got my first job when I was twenty-one, it was at a dealership cleaning cars. I worked my ass off six days a week clocking as much overtime as my job was willing to pay for. Half a year into that job, I was at my lowest. I was depressed going home each night at around ten PM just to shower wake up and do it all over again. I questioned whether I’d actually be able to do that for the rest of my life, because that’s what life is. I realized it wasn’t, and that I couldn’t at the rate I was heading. I decided to join the armed forces. I took my asvab and scored a decent score, just below an 80. They offered me a list of jobs too long for me to comprehend, and I just picked one randomly. A technical job working with any device that had a screen. I took the next step going to MEPs, and passed everything. All except one small thing, my blood pressure. I get nervous very easily and am consistently nervous in situations I don’t need to be. I had nothing to hide from the doctors there, but I was just nervous around them feeling like they had my life in their hands.
I had already picked my job and handed in my two weeks notice, but wasn’t getting the job. So I wasted away again, spending all my saved up money on take-out and energy drinks. Seeping back into video games again to escape the hell I hated. After wasting away I moved around a bit living with different people from time to time. My brother let me stay at his house for a few months, letting me eat and sleep there as long as I watched his kids. I got fed up with that and found my way home. Once I got there, my mom told me she had actually found a boyfriend. Since my father had passed away, she hadn’t strayed away to date anyone. This was the exception, and he offered me a chance to work for him. He did landscaping, something I knew nothing about. I agreed to help be manual labor and headed to work with him the next day. I spent the entire day stuffing pine straw under bushes and fluffing it to make the yard look nice. It was a decent day, I worked hard and went home to sleep confident. The next day was an absolute fucking mess.
He spent two hours trying to teach me how to use a weed eater, which I couldn’t even manage to do well enough for his thumbs up. When he ended up giving up on that, he just had me pick up trash. For the entire rest of the eight hour shift, he didn’t say anything to me that wasn’t: “You’re retarded”, “Even a child knows how to do this”, or anything along those lines. By the end of the day, I told him I wasn’t coming back to work with him again. Just like most things, he tried to pull me aside at the end of the day to talk out our problems, like real adults or even real men. I ignored him, walked to my car and left. Driving home, that was the closest I’ve ever been to really killing myself. The mindset of being a useless, brain dead human ate away at my mental health. I conceded to my thoughts of regret and peril, wishing that I hadn’t another breath in my lungs. Without fail, I managed to fuck something else up on the way home. My mom questioned me when I got home, and I couldn’t contain myself. I explained to her what happened and she called it off with him. She was happy with him, and now she’s not.
I took myself back to college with the money I had left from work. I failed every class and dropped out again. Now I’m back to being nothing. An incel locked away trying to find a job, and I can’t manage even that. So I tend to ask myself quite often, what does success really feel like? How much failure is too much? When am I really just going to say fuck it and quit? I hate who I was, more-so who I am and I don’t want to imagine who I’ll become. I just need to know how other people can make themselves happy.
This is hard. Being lonely hurts. I know in my heart I am loved but I cant sit alone. I am lost. Completely and utterly depressed. I am suppressed with emptiness. I am not content. I can’t stop this. This feeling is painful. I am so tired of this. I can’t survive only a day a week. It’s too much. This feeling is too much. I love you, but this is hard. For so long I have had someone. I never had to sit alone for nights on end. This was gone so quickly. It’s been months and I still can’t handle this. My loneliness is coming back. I can’t keep the voices out forever and my addiction is hard to resist but it’s all I feel I can do. It keeps the bad thoughts away. I’m tired of being yelled at. A voice only I can hear. It gets louder with each day. It only goes away when I am with you. You scare it off. You keep it hidden. But with each day you aren’t here, it gets stronger and louder. It’s deafening. James said ‘silence is deafening’…. It is.
I don’t know how to make you understand. I am in pain, so much fucking pain. But we both know this isn’t something you cannot fix yet. I just wish I knew how to handle this on my own. I know I cant. This battle, I cannot win alone. I need you. I need you around me. You’re love is the only thing its afraid of. Its so powerful.
I don’t want it to take me.
I want to be with you forever.
And even longer after that…
I don’t entirely understand why I think this way, but when I’m in a slump struggling to keep up with my commitments, my family and friends, usually starting with a comment my father will make.
“I’m just frustrated that you don’t respect me enough to listen to what I have to say.”
I go into a downward spiral, struggling to fight off the demons that haunt my life. My suicidal thoughts that play on repeat, over and over again. Their no rational to it, just boom your dad thinks your a failure oh maybe lets just stop here I’ve had enough.
I understand the insanity of it, I would never act on it but the urge to do so often is so strong I can feel the pressure on my neck, or the catch in my breaths.
And now with impending medical issues (NOTE: could be anything just worried it’s cancer) the same mantras of uselessness and painful to be around attitudes. Just keep my thinking in circles.
I don’t know just needed to get my thoughts out quickly, I think I’ll go into more detail later on, just needed to vent.
For the past week, I am not feeling myself lately and this is not relatively a new feeling, but this past week has been more aggressive than its ever been and culminating today was the disaster i dont wanna think it is , but dismissing so , would not just be denial but also forthright i donno what, i am at a loss for flowery words, right now the only thought pulsing through my mind, is that i have to end this the quickest way possible i want to jump off a cliff,possibly a tavern, hack my heart with an axe, bleed till i die, but the moment i think i might end up with a botched up whatever suicide attempt, would make me feel worse than the most repulsive beggar in say an eternal time plane., for i dont believe finding beggars on earth repulsive is bad morality, i respect every being on earth equally,that term was just meant to signify my emotional and mental being and state right now, it is as if everything primal , normal and just everything in my life is slipping away from me. Parents of one of the members in my family passed away and another member who i was close too all my childhood is an emotionally stunted adult who might as well hack me to death just by emotionally stunting me sooner or later. He/She is an awesome person though.I am not crying for attention from abuse or anything.That doesnt me lack thereof either.Its like my apocalypse is today.Another person is not going through a good weather either.Its like my whole family is thrown into a shredder and the whole world , even trash who is just good at nothing but cheap and mediocre politics and manipulation is derisively mocking at me, since hey my weather is the worst.
Thoroughly unrelated to the drama , I also kinda like a person whos forbidden sweet, whom i knew only for three months and its been a year and im sure he/shes forgotten all about me, but sometimes i just feel i wanna leave everything and wanna spend the rest of my life wrapped in his/her arms.But I also know,probably that person would probably have forgotten though im sure he/she had a deep mutual emotional connection or was it just a fake skindeep thing and that person might actually find me repulsive in my current state of despair, and anyway he/she could just put me in a stranger bracket and maybe ill never get to even encounter him or her or even if i did never be nearly proximal again, but right now though my current state has nothing to do with a triviality like a boy or a girl fancy,makes me think a life spent in his/her arms would just be enough or even death in his arms with him/her not being indifferent to me would be enough, or
maybe i am using a boy/girl fancy distraction as an escapade to the hellish nightmare i am in right now.
sorry for wasting all your time
and maybe i am a stranger to everyone on earth and i just deserve to hack myself with an axe and bleed myself till i die. Though i know human flesh is not butter but sinew and that process is too violent for not meek but genuine and earnest me. I know reading this, already quite a lot of people are sneering on me, disgusted abt me, thinking i am a loser, but i am not, i have been the toughest and valiant with glorious failures and few contentment which was rationally good. But right now i m kinda in my early to mid twenties and i am scared where life is going, that maybe when im thirty itll just end up being a routine i want to die. and life today now this moment is more excruciating than i could have ever imagined. I wanna die before anything else falls apart. Its life every positive force in my body is soul sucked out of me. Hope im not creating despair by last statement to any reader here.Whatever shit im going through i know u must have urs of ur own magnitude as well, so out of pure love, i want you to know, i am sending love.
Thank you,
If i am dead , please observe one moment of silence for me,
if i end up surviving this, thank you for giving me this platform to write it out now.
Anyway right now its quite schrodingers cat isnt it.
With love,
CoraCora
he is one of the most decent persons i know. the problem is that i’m a piece of shit who would rather run away from all my problems and leave no one with my burdens. i want to run away from everything, everything. i just wanna shut myself and play games and sleep in my room. i don’t want to interact with anyone in real life. there’s no point for me to participate in society anyway. i’m just a useless person who keeps giving out half-assed work because i’m so burned out and depressed.
he doesn’t deserve a piece of shit like me. at this point, i feel it would be easier to just read reader inserts about my favorite characters and live in a pretend world with these fictional characters than to interact with actual people. everything goes my way. everything finally goes my way. everything isn’t turning to shit. i don’t want to go on a wild goose chase for a grain of pleasure for this short, stupid life. i know it’s stupid that by breaking up with my boyfriend, i’m practically throwing a huge part of my happiness away. but as long as he learns to live without me, it’ll be fine. i’ll be fine.
maybe i’ll become a shut in. maybe maybe. but my parents will get mad at me. mad mad mad. maybe i should kill myself. but how do i kill myself if i always fail? the worst that had happened in my attempts in that my neck became bruised and in another attempt, my liver was in pain for a few hours. i want to run away from everyone, so that no one EVER interferes with my plans EVER again. humans are so stupid. they worry so much when you tell them you want to kill yourself and then stop caring when you go like, “fine! i won’t do it.”
is there any place i can run to? and by run to, i mean, i don’t mind living lowkey for the rest of my life — if i live as a shut-in, i’ll probably die earlier than expected because of not eating and shit. i don’t want to live on this world anymore.
i have to make so many posters in 3 days. should’ve started over the break but my dumbass didn’t because i love to procrastinate. i am so stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
i am incompetent. so incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
i am worthless. so worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
i don’t deserve my happiness in this life. i deserve the worst kind of death. the worst kind of punishment
dear god please just kill me now i’m so sorry to my dog and my boyfriend and my family and my friends
gomennasai. gomen ne
this world is so cold.
cold
cold
cold
cold
cold
cold
cold
cold
cold…
I want to die. I’m not depressed, mentally destressed, stressed in general, etcetera I’m general an average person. But. I just don’t like existing. I’d rather not. It’s my opinion, like apples to oranges. I like apples more than oranges. I’d like to die more than I’d like to live. I don’t hate my life (other than the simple fact of being alive), I don’t hate myself, people don’t hate me, for the most part, I mean you can’t be friends with anyone, y’know. I’ve been depressed, but when I’m depressed I’m not suicidal. I mostly just want attention and comfort, someone to talk to about my feelings. Not suicidal thoughts, just simply I’m feeling x because of y and I want to talk about it. When I’m happy, or stable I suppose, which is most of the time, I rational think about how I want to commit suicide. I enthusiastically tell peers about my plans. I know that sounds bizarre. I say it with a smile on my face, a genuine smile, I actually don’t feel bad, I feel content in the room with the other person discussing costs and methods. Not like I do this in my free time, but whenever the topic comes up, I bring out my handy-dandy notebook of suicidal ideation. Loads of papers, I’m obsessed. Not like that. Like you’d be obsessed about something coming up like a holiday, someone coming over, event, studying your favorite subject…mines death.
Let me attempt to explain my reasoning in more depth: I don’t, like, the idea of, existing on a universal plane. Scratch that, anywhere. In anything, as anyone. It’s so incredibly boring, stupid, and pointless. Pointless meaning without meaning or logical reason. Not in a “depressed like manner.” Just as it is pointless to check under the sun to see if there’s anything new up there, it is pointless to exist.
Question time – why live? Why live other than what you’ve been taught, or indoctrinate into? Give me one, one thing to live for.
Apart from anything you have ever known in your entire lifetime, generations.
There is no answer, just contemplation and realization. Nothing. Literally nothing. We we’re born humans and taught to be people. People who live in a society. In the world, a spinning rock. Imagine that.
I bet, if we we’re another species, from another reality, gazing at multiple other realities, we’d defiantly be the Sims.
Fun to play for awhile, but we eventually get so,
pointless. Dull. Meaningless. Boring. Bleh. I don’t wanna play Sim’s anymore, let’s play something else.
No spicing up my life will do nothing
No seeing someone will do nothing.
No taking pills will do nothing.
No seeing new people, making friends, going out distracting myself from the realities of life , as we all do, will do nothing.
No moving will do nothing.
No, anything else, no
No
The only thing that could’ve saved me was condoms, birth-control, or abortion. Whoops. Missed opportunity.
If you’re thinking ‘well, how does this person expect us to help??’
Don’t lol, answer the main question and you’ll be fine.
What do you think?
So, it took me around 6 or 7 years for me to realize that all I want in life is to be taken into account. To be someone that people think about. To not just be a complete no one blended in the crowd. But I wouldn’t call myself an attention seeker, all I’ve ever wanted was a purpose, a place in this world.
I’m pretty sure this all started back when I was in junior high school. I was your typical shy and not talkative (outcast) kid. I never was a person of many friends (and I’m not to this day), but I longed to. Maybe not to the point of wanting to be popular, but really all I wanted was to be liked. So I would do pretty much anything other people asked me to just so they would like me. And to nobody’s surprise, all that happened was that I was constantly used. So I developed a feeling of resentment towards others and pretty much ghosted everyone around me (except for a few people).
Fast forward to today and I’m nowhere near to fulfilling that desire of mine. If anything, I think I’m worse than before since back then I could help others because at least I was good in school, the only thing I was ever good at, but right now I don’t even have that. So here I am, feeling lonely, with no real purpose in life, no talents to speak of, only existing in others’ lives, but not to the point where I’m taken into account by others.
And to be fair, what’s the point anymore? There’s no reason for me to try anything new, since I know that whatever thing I try to do, whatever new activity I engage myself in won’t be for anything other than to seek attention and approval from others, like a desperate attempt to say “I’m here, I exist, please love me”.
In the end, I’ll just be forgotten, people will move on with or without me. Right now I’m pretty sure that the only way I’ll be remembered is through my death. That’s the only stain or legacy I can afford to leave, since right now I neither have anything else to offer to others around me nor do I have the motivation to try to make changes in my life.
So, I have always had problems finding myself in life. I just don’t know what to do anymore… I am running out of options.
I have literally tried everything and I realize how badly I suck at something and just leave and give up. I can never commit to something because I’m so self-conscious and I just want to find my footing.
Right now, I’m stuck at my job, constantly being berated by my boss that may end. I don’t feel like I have enough confidence to try and find another job. I feel like I’m trapped. I just turned 26. I could have been married and settled in my career… But instead I’m just sitting at home, wallowing in my misery.
At this point, I feel like just dying. I have no reason to live. Plus, as an organ donor, I feel like my organs will better benefit someone who can actually do something better with their life than I ever will.
It’s fucked, I know
Right when things go well, I go and fuck it all up
Like just now
I have a boyfriend, a new position in my workplace that doesn’t suck ASS. I’m away from an emotionally abusive mother and an apathetic brother.
But you had to start cutting again?
I wish I could just die, but I have too many connections right now. The most logical way for me to go is in a way that causes the least pain towards the people around me.
I’ve thought about ruining all my relationships. Just becoming belligerent and hateful for the sake that they see me the way I see myself. So they leave me because I deserve to be alone and hated.
I want to be in pain. I want to be hated because that’s what I deserve
I’ve inconvenienced too many people just by existing. I’m too open and I’m too weird and I can’t keep my damn mouth shut
I wish it was easier to develop amnesia. I wish I could just forget EVERYTHING
The good and the bad. I want to start new in an adult body.
But now, all I have is a razor, three bottles of pills, and myself.
How long will I last?
I regret..
Should die that day..
I regret..
Believing there is a light..
I regret..
I REGRET I CHOOSE TO LIVE
I REGRET..
MY BIGGEST REGRET
“Premiere” high schools are the worst. They force their students to work, work, work all for the name of the school. They even run away from helping their students since they don’t want to acknowledge the fact that they are killing thousands of young minds… I won’t kill myself in spite of my school because it’s pointless. Admins will attend your funeral and then go back to doing their same old bullshit, not giving a fuck about their school’s students.
I just want to graduate from this stupid high school but I know that it’s pointless because all the other colleges are going to be hard. Why am I not resilient? I just want to cry and run away from the rest of the world. I want to lock myself in my bedroom. I know climate change and capitalism are going to kill us all and all our efforts to help make a better future for ourselves and other organisms are just going to be futile because we do not have the power and money the rich and greedy have. I want to run away to a paradise, where I can be happy and content. I kinda wish I could just become a “vegetable” right now because I don’t want to work in a future that has no hope.
I know that there is some good left in the world, but I’m gonna admit that it’s not enough to stop the world from turning into shithole in the next few years? decades?
I have workaholic friends and I guess I’m kind of a workaholic too. Some of them choose to be workaholics due to my school driving them to do so — “Always aim for excellence.” Me? I didn’t choose to be one, but the school, throwing 5 papers a week as a requirement, forced me to be one. I just wanna lock myself in my room, play games, and sleep for the rest of my life. I’ll get bored, but it’s the only thing I know now. I can’t even make myself work for an hour straight. All my papers this year were submitted late. Late. I wish the teachers in my school had lower standards, especially for those with mental health problems (i.e., all of us).
I wanna withdraw, withdraw, withdraw and stay forever in my room. I could kill myself but my dumbass will and always will fail to do so and then my parents will find out again and scream and yell at me. I could break up with my boyfriend and ghost all of my friends so that there would be less people to stop me from isolating myself. But…
But?
I don’t know what’s stopping me.
I’m so lost.
I wish the world would end and all of our miseries would end once and for all.
I have been hurt by a lot of people. Abused, verbally, physically, sexually. I was made to remain silent because the one who did it to me was a medical student. The faculty said it was for the sake of inpatients in this medical school, I had to stay shut and allow myself to see him abusing more people. They made me fail a module as a threat, and as punishment for disturbing their peace. I lost all of the money I collected to retake the semester. I have no money to treat mg breast tumor
Then this year came. It rains, A LOT. Oh for so many day. I look at the rain from my apartment far away, noted how I love the sounds and how clean the air became after it stops. I love how the thunders shakes building, reminds me of how angry I am toward this city and everyone in it
Then the flood came to the city, to my medschool educational hospital and homes, from slums to villas. And on the new year eve, god did it STORMED. 2020 was started with flood so violent 19.000 people become refuge, around 16 people died already.
Obviously I have nothing to do with the flood. Not because some bullshit reason like myself keeping the environment clean or some shit, but because my apartment is in the next city. Those people are the reason I lost all my money, the reason they allowed my rapist to run free. Those “potential patients” of my medschool. And now I can watch them suffer from high above. I can watch cadavers from forensic department rots in the water and as my evil professors struggle to move away their beloved little medals to another office. Suffer all of you bastards, suffer like I did. Cry to god and demand him to give you reason why did this happened to you, and expect silence. Go and feel the abandonment and despair. Suffer!
I have always wished to die in the sea. The place where I came from have a big, open ocean where my body will never be found. At least some of my diluted body fluid can become the next year’s flood and I can participate in making them suffer more next time. This line of thinking should have give other despair, but it give me hope.
Oh this year’s flash floods will probably stay until mid-march. Its gonna keep raining until then. And until then, I can, for once a year, stare at the cloudy sky and feel a sliver of contentment in my painful absurd life.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Being a good and nice person is not enough
You also must be ‘smart’ especially in terms of knowing how to make money. And often times, that also means you also have to be opportunistic, follow the system & rules (just like everybody else), even be cunning, sly, ruthless, brash, full of tricks, greedy, selfish, ready to step on other people who are ‘weaker’ (eg: poorer, etc).
Money is everything in our modern society today, unfortunately. It’s all about money nowadays. And if you can’t beat the system, then you have to join them. Everyday you are forced to survive, or for survival. And if you’re not strong enough to follow the system/rules, then too bad, either you will lose, get left out, get sidelined, trampled, kicked in a dirt, become a loser or failure in society, or you will die because you can’t survive.
Maybe life is just not for everyone. Maybe some of us are not meant to live in this world, society, existence, or whatever it is. Maybe it’s all really random and nihilistic, ie: some will live, and some will die. Just like ants, some will survive, and some will be killed, can’t survive, got unfortunate/bad luck, and die.
Life is depressing. Society is depressing. This world is depressing. Even all this whole existence thing is just depressing, mundane/boring, very limiting, sick, pointless/meaningless (for some people who really realize it), and honestly, everything is just so stupid.
I’m 14 years old, a high school freshman.
i finally gathered my thoughts and emotions and decided I was ready several weeks ago. i’ve been struggling with severe anxiety and depression for years now. shit, can’t even stand in front of my class at school without wanting to shrivel up and die. so i attempted.
my suicide was not impulsive. i planned and researched for weeks. i decided to do it on a friday, so i wouldn’t have to wake up early the next day for school. i did it. i took 31 tylenol, and some other random pills in our medicine cabinet. according to my research, i should’ve died slowly and painfully from liver failure or something.
i took the pills after school. it was surreal, standing in front of the bathroom. i cried quietly so no one would hear me. so i took the pills, then in like 10 minutes i got so dizzy. so dizzy. it was hard to see, there was random black everywhere. it was hard to breathe. then I threw up. this is kinda nasty, but at the beginning I threw up white, which I knew was the pills. the anger i felt seeing that, i can’t describe to you. at that moment i realized i probably wouldn’t die. i threw up the pills. they weren’t in my liver. the only thing i regret is not taking vomiting preventative medications to make me not throw up. so in the end, I threw up 15 times. there was nothing left in me. i was dehydrated as shit and so exhausted.
i was so ashamed, but I don’t regret it at all. i’m planning on drinking a ton of bleach, or cutting that one big vein in my leg, finding a death cap mushroom, or doing pills again but with something that will make me not throw up. i don’t have the materials i need though, not yet.
so what was it like, after i survived? i’m a high school freshman in a high achieving school, which I definitely don’t belong in. i have several friends. no one, to this day, knows about my attempt. they’d probably freak out. not even gonna think about what my parents would do, they think mental illness is dumb. so i decided that no one can ever know this side of me, the insanity that ravages me. it leaks out sometimes, i can feel it. but i’m really good at keeping my mouth shut now. my mom has seen my cut scars before, but I told her i fell at school, and she believed me. I feel so numb and alone. I can’t imagine going through the rest of high school like this. keeping my grades up is so hard. my anxiety is so consuming, I can’t talk to people normally. I can’t sleep at night. I’m always so tired. I just want out. I want it so bad. but no one understands because apparently life is beautiful, but that’s only true for those who are truly alive. i am the walking dead. I don’t belong here