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Suicide is not a joke.

by strawberrycrown
written by strawberrycrown

Suicide is not a joke. Simple as that. So why is it that some people have to go out and make a joke if it? And I’m not talking just like people saying they wanna kill themselves as an expression when something inconvenient happens because I do that too. I mean things like what happened today.

Mum talking to this guy and he really really likes me but I don’t really so our conversations are fairly one sided. I wasn’t talking to him because I said I was busy which I was, then an hour later he texts me again and said he was sorry but he was going to kill him self. Obviously I don’t want that regardless of whether I want to be in a relationship or what not. I tried to calm him down by saying things like please don’t and you know like I care about you and so do others. He then went as far to send me videos of him juggling pills in his hand and “putting them in his mouth”. I say this in quotations because the videos would always end before he had his hand fully to his mouth. After I kept telling him not to and everything I could say, he said out of nowhere “okay I won’t do it”. I was surprised because it was so all of a sudden. We talked a little about it after and then he sounded completely fine and just overall happy to be talking to me like nothing happened so I asked him if he was serious about killing himself. He told me he wasn’t serious and he just wanted to see how I would have reacted. This made me mad because here I was, texting him frantically for 2 hours trying to make sure he’s okay saying he could talk to me, really all I could just for him to turn around and say he did it for attention so I would talk to him and tell him I cared. And in all of this, I even told him how i had tried multiple times to kill my so he could open up to me as I understood. That’s not something I go blabbing around and I told him for nothing. Over a sick “joke”.

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Coping SkillsGeneralRants

Before you decide to cut…

by strawberrycrown
written by strawberrycrown

Before you make that first cut, remember:

You will find the blood and pain realise addictive. Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren’t deep and will heal easily, they will get deeper. They will scar. They will take sometimes months to heal. And years for the scars to fade. If you think you can limit the cutting to one part of your body, think again. It will spread when you run out of skin. You’ll find yourself cutting in places you would never think of. Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in constant state of shame. Even if you are the most honest person ever, you will find yourself lying to the people you love. You’ll tell people your cat scratched you or you accidentally cut yourself on a wire. You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison. You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt. Or just because it plain hurts to be touched. You will have to explain yourself when you yell “ow” when you bump your wrists. Be prepared for it to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don’t know how bad it will be. Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100, because it will. Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around cutting. Cutting and covering up cutting. It will be the only thing you think about until you do it. You will dream about cutting and have nightmares about being exposed. It will haunt you day and night and take over your life. And just wait for the first time you cut ‘too deep’.And you freak out because the blood won’t stop. Your wrist will be dripping with blood as it trickles down you arms. You’ll be gasping… And you feel yourself shaking all over. You’ll be having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can’t tell anyone. You won’t be able to. So you sit there alone… Praying it will be okay. Promising yourself that you’ll never let it go this far again. But you will, further and further… But don’t worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid going to the emergency room. And the better you get at treating your cuts, they deeper they get. You’ll have a stash of things you need for cutting: blades, glass, knives, tissues, body wipes, bandaids, medical tape, and scar reducers. Because of this, you’ll get pretty good at hiding things all over your room. Get ready to buy a new wardrobe too. You’ll be buying long sleeve shirts, bracelets, wristbands, long boots… The list goes on and on. Say goodbye to things you took for granted. Like wearing shorts or sandals, pedicures, and sleeveless tops.  You will start looking at everyone in a different way too. Scanning everyone’s bodies for any signs of self harm. Just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don’t feel so terribly alone. Hoping, just hoping that they will be like you. But they are not. You won’t even think about it as your eyes scan people’s wrists and arms, even when you are watching TV. You will see everyone’s clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone. You will start doing a lot of things alone. You will always have to wash your laundry in private, so no one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels. You won’t go to the beach or pool, no matter how much you might have loved to before. Winter is fine but look out for summer. As the weather starts to get warmer you will scan your body covered in scars, panicking about what you will do to cover them up. Be prepared to do a lot of cleaning, scrubbing your bathroom floor and wiping the blood off your keyboard. Eventually, you won’t be able to make it through the day without cutting. You will start to carry blades everywhere, a=in your room, in your school bad, in your purse and even in the back of your phone case for emergencies. Next thing you are in a public bathroom, quietly slitting your wrists. Then you will prepare yourself to walk out like you’re completely fine, even if you’re still bleeding a little. And when you get really desperate, anything will become a cutting tool… Scissors, a needle, keys, even a pen. Doesn’t matter what it is because if you need to cut bad enough, you will find something. Another thing to get ready for, is the itching. Because you will itch and itch so much that you will look like you have fleas. In the end, you will wish that you never made that first cut. Because while you absolutely hate cutting… At the same time you love it and can no longer live without it.  So remember all of this before you start cutting because it can and will ruin your life.

In the end, you will have become an expert on your body as you carefully destroy it…

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Chronic PainGeneralMy Suicide NoteRantsStories of Loss

I will light myself on fire next week

by nohopeever
written by nohopeever

Going to college has always been my dream but after 1 year I can’t afford it and I refuse to work my ass off in a minimum wage slavery job until the day I die. There is absolutely no happiness in this world without a degree and without the money that comes with it, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to serve stuck up pricks burgers for the rest of my life I REFUSE!
The financial aid office offers no help to independent students and my drunk deadbeat dad cannot cosign a single loan for me, and I have no biological mother in the picture. I got rejected for every student loan I applied for on the basis of having no cosigner. Donald Trump ended the Perkins and other federal loan programs that I would have qualified for here. everything just keeps going wrong and my dream is dead in the water before I can even begin year two. I’ve applied to over 200 scholarships and gotten 0. I’ve even started a go fund me because I’m desperate. I’m out of options.
So I made a deal with myself.
I self-harmed for the first time in 3 years last night by burning my arms with a torch last night.
I 100% will take my own life If I have to drop out of school. There is no way around it that my entire life is ruined without college. bottom fucking line. With that being said I plan to dump a canister of gasoline on my head on our common lawn at school and light a match. Hopefully, then somebody will fucking change something.

Regardless of if they do or don’t the pain will finally be over for me. Can’t come soon enough.

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GeneralRants

The fault you know but still repeat it

by Itscolourlife
written by Itscolourlife

I still remember the reason why you become couple with your girlfriend
Its because she is the one who told you first that she likes you
Because she is brave enough
And she is the one who help you forget about me
But when you walk your days with her you realize that you cant forget me
You guess that she dump you because you never there for her
You never search her or ask her day
She always reach you first
Yes she didnt say the reason why she dump you
Are you going to repeat your fault again
I think you will
And thats why im trying to protect myself
You tell me you like independent woman
A woman who dont need so much attention
I cant be that
Its only gives me pain everyday
You are free do what you want
But im here feeling sad do what you tell me to do
Im hurt inside
Forget me already
Dont tell me you love me and the only one
Cuase i know you can love another girl too
Your past reveal it
A brave independent girl will make you fall in love more

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GeneralRants

2 times

by Itscolourlife
written by Itscolourlife

I already give you chance
2 times
But you ignore me
2 times

Dont blame me if you lose me
Dont regret your choice
Im not going to back to you

Im going to go far away
Far faar away
Dont hold me back
Dont tell me you love me
Cause love is not like this
Or at least this is not the love I want

I think
Maybe you are the one
But even if its true
This is not the future i want
You only give more pain and loneliness to my heart
I dont want to suffer more because of you
Its enough for me
Let me love and appreciate myself more

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GeneralI Will SurvivePoetry & ArtRantsStories of Hope

Not Alone, Still Lonely

by Sentara Lee
written by Sentara Lee

I know I’m not alone. There are many people in my life who love me and I hold them dear to me. They always make it clear that they are here for me, but why do I not feel it? Why do I still feel so lonely at times. Laying in my bed staring at the ceiling. 11:59 p.m. on a school night. Darkness fills the empty silence in my room. Do they not feel the way I do at this very moment? Laying here with this empty feeling and no motivation to even move in the slightest. My mind can’t even race because it doesn’t want to. I just lay here. Empty. I muster up the ability to look at my phone. Everyone that says they are here, aren’t online. I send multiple “hey”s in an attempt to feel something from even a simple reply. Minutes pass. 12:17 a.m. I lay with my phone face down. On vibrate so it’s not too loud but not to quiet in case a miracle happens. 12:23 a.m. Buzz buzz. Hope. Flipping the phone over I see a message from one of my closest friends. “can’t talk right now, busy” it reads. Simple, yet defeating. I feel my entire body relax again. The tenseness I did not recognize until after my hopes were revealed to be for nothing. I want to say that I need help, but if everyone is too busy? Sleep for them is important, but why does no one care about sleep for me. I close my eyes and lay there for what feels like forever. 1:56 a.m. Sleep finally hits my tired body, only to be woken up at 6:00 a.m. Most left me on read or apologized because they were asleep. That’s fine. I wish I could, though. Something so simple, taken. I go to a school and work hard, only to find out I had 2 papers due and a packet of review work for some of my classes. I get a 0% on these assignments, but never an, “Are you okay?” I sit at lunch in silence. An apple comes flying backwards and hits my milk, knocking it all over me. He turns around and says a simple but empty apology claiming it was an accident. That’s it. The final push to me breaking down for the first time today. I begin crying and run off to clean up. 12:13 p.m. I come back to many harsh, expected words from the table next to mine. “Crying over spilled milk?” None of them know that I spent last night cutting up my leg while sobbing in the shower. None of them know that I couldn’t get sleep nor receive help. Defeated, yet unsurprisingly predictable. At the end of the day, I toss my backpack on the floor of my bedroom and feel tears coming down my cheeks. I lay back on my bed once more, feeling empty and meaningless. I drift off and dream of a world where I am happy and someone is always checking up on me to make sure I’m okay. Maybe one day I’ll have that. I continue to hope. Unnoticed. I am not alone in life, for I am just lonely.

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GeneralPoetry & ArtRants

Light in the Darkness

by Sentara Lee
written by Sentara Lee

We all constantly search for things in life that make us happy. Something or someone to bring us genuine joy. I search for that out of so many people. I see the potential and possibilities that lay deep within them waiting to come out. I want to see the best in people and help them as best as I can. When I reach out to receive the same help that I give, however, it’s pushed away. My mental health is too much for people and no one wants to keep trying for me the way I try for others. I search so hard for that light, but often find myself lost only seeing glances of small rays that quickly disappear. When will it end?

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GeneralI Will SurviveRantsStories of Hope

Endurance

by insignificant02
written by insignificant02

Four years later, I am here; thankful that I didn’t give up, that i didnt end it when i thought that was my only option. I reread some of my posts and i remember vividly what that time was like but to anyone reading, to anyone searching for a sliver of hope to hold on to: this is for you. An overused cliche line i used to hate is “it gets better”, I always thought it was just a stupid expression, a common courtesy. But it does truly get better, it wont be easy and it wont be fast; it takes time – sometimes even four years (i should know) but holding on is so so worth it. See for yourself. Don’t end it.

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GeneralRants

Something that struck a cord within me

by mhm1000
written by mhm1000

“I can feel myself dissolving, but I’m too tired to care… this music is nice, I’ll just lay here for a bit.”

 

I dunno. I can’t tell anyone I know about how I feel because they don’t take it seriously. I don’t blame them; imagine being a teenager and a friend tells you that they don’t want to live anymore. It would be stressful. I don’t want my burdens to be on others, and I am going to therapy, but I just wish I had a friend who understood that I just want to talk and chill about feelings and meaningless bullshit. I don’t need the same old, sappy line or those things that everyone says because they don’t know what to say: Suicide is a heavy word. “You have so much to live for,” is a common thing I hear if I confide in someone. The thing is, I want to take my life because I feel like I have nothing to live for.

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GeneralRants

woohoo

by mhm1000
written by mhm1000

You know that feeling you get when you just want to walk and walk until your feet ache and you feel like you’re home? It’s like a feeling that nags at you constantly, it makes you feel helpless and it makes you just want to lay on the floor and listen to sad music. It’s like a… constant feeling of shame and self-loathing; for no reason. I feel like I’m crumbling; spiraling down into pure apathy.

 

I just want to feel at peace, I want to feel good. Though, my mum is getting a shit ton of alcohol before school starts because I insisted on having “one last night of fun before school starts.” We both laughed, and she agreed. I’m gonna get fucking blasted: Thank god for drinks. I’m a loser and my self-loathing is so low that I’ll fuck with my brain development for a moment of bliss. If I had access to drugs, you bet your ass I would be doing them. Well, school is starting and there’s a bunch of druggies in my school. Maybe I can ask for a favor.

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Family & Friends EffectsRantsStories of Loss

My family just forsake me

by deathberry
written by deathberry

I finally confessed to my family about my depression and suicidal attempts. I always try to pretend to be okay around them and for five years I did my best trying to strengthen our bonds. I always did my best to keep planning activities together, slending more time, helping them with their troubles. I expected to have built up a little bit of good will. But they expresed apathy towards my depresion. They could no believe nor understand what I was talking about. Is like everything until now was a lie. Is painful. My confesion just destroyed my connection to them. I will never be confortable being around them anymore. Tonight, I feel more inclined than ever to end my worthless life.

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Rants

by blueKat
written by blueKat

I miss you. I hope you are doing alright. I can’t say the same for myself. I’m lonely. I’m hurting. And I don’t have anyone who actually matters that can relate and understand. It’s better if they don’t understand. No one knows how to deal with me at all, let alone well, but myself. And I don’t want it coming from me… that isn’t… So I don’t let them. I won’t ever put them in the position to help me, to see it all. I am not strong enough to handle the damage and neither are they. They will get hurt. Badly… I know I’m incapable of always truly pretending I’m alright. So I let them know just a little bit. Just enough. I broadcast my faults with a Cheshire cat’s grin. I admit I am unwell and open about the darkest parts, but only in my best, only in retrospect. I dare them believe me. Hopefully they do. They may think they do… They know I cut in the past, they don’t know I haven’t stopped. Still claim I am capable, that I should strive to achieve… pull myself together and be “me”. The me they believe I am. The me I’ve built for myself in their minds. So what if it hurts.
I tell I hurt, not when I hurt.
To be fair not aiming high wont lessen the pain so might as well, right? I will always need help. I will never want it. I don’t want to weigh on people to make my life… they do anyways… take care of me… help me… support me… in exchange for nothing. So I take, selfishly with a smile… so they don’t probe deeper, don’t give even more… so they don’t see the whole picture. I keep them close and blind…
I know I’m a monster.
I’m tired. And this tired has made a home out of my bones. I’m paying the price, I can’t help but just for a moment dream I didn’t make it like that. That I had people around me that knew everything. who got how I feel. Who truly believed in me, the real me. Enough to argue with me. just once… only once… that I’m good… good enough. good in something. a good person. even if it’s a lie. someone to know how desperately I need to be lied to, just to hear that…
I try… I do what I want… It isn’t enough, doesn’t pay the bills. But it has to make at least a little bit of difference for others when I try to help, to do good. for everyone and anyone, at any time… it has to amount to something right? I’m not a complete waste, right?

Right?

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GeneralRants

intrudead

by farbeyondthegrave
written by farbeyondthegrave

So for the last 7 years ive been slowly withdrawing from everyone and everything. Legit have 0 friends. Havent gone out. Havent done anything. Psychosis has really done a number on me. The voices became just painful perspective on life that has pretty much destroyed all my social skills. I’m mostly fragments of what I think will keep the illusion of peace together. Lost all will power to attempt to control anything in my life. I barely eat. I stopped gyming. Falling away everyday. Still (hopelessly)  desiring a better life for what reason i dont know cause i cant even imagine it.

Final blows came in the last 2 years. I went to this leadership thingy and was doing fine for maybe the first month. Cause I was just doing what i needed to do for me but the people wanted to make it some sort of all for one and one for all thing. “Thoughts” started up again. Bashed me into the ground every second, and every second felt like a year. Couldnt cope and cant cope when there are that many people. Anger from my past isnt something I want to share. For me to lead myself I couldn’t be in that. So I left again again. Now they form part of my thoughts. I’m afraid again. Leader is gone. So is the light. Its just previously I could still see and feel it. Not anymore.

Never been numb like quite like this (no fight left, im part of the audience watching my life). I cant speak beyond a greeting. Trust is dead. And were it not for my fear of how my mom and sister… (although im sure they will be fine and they probably expect it).  feels like im already dead. Just others cant see it.

Just want to say thanks for the posts everyone. Didnt know that there were actually “others” out there. Kinda makes me feel less alone sort of and not really. My mind eventually ends up running into a state where the calculations tell me the odds of finding someone IRL to talk to that i dont have to pay to see is less than impossible. So theres goes all hope again again. ):)

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

Your problem wont affect my life

by Itscolourlife
written by Itscolourlife

He told me “Your problem wont affect my life”
And it makes me think 1 day full about it
Still a week.. 2 weeks.. and I still wondering what that means
One said I started liking him
One said he really doesnt care about it
One said no matter what happened its okay for him
Its a matter for me
Its a big problem for me
Im here feeling depressed want to die
And my mom will leave me first
Im here still hating myself
Im here cant accept this cruel world
Im here afraid to start something
Im afraid of my minds and feelings
I just dont want someone get in my space and ruin my last wall
No.. you already did half way
And thats why i should stop my feelings
I start I fell I shattered
Lets go run away
Better it will be better

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRantsStories of Loss

How I scared someone.

by ScaryButHarmless
written by ScaryButHarmless

It first stated at the beginning of summer break. My friend from New York told me that goodbye meant she was going to kill herself. She said goodbye to me. I always had the mindset that I was the weak link in every type of relationship I’ve ever been in,whether it’s an unauthorized soccer team or just  me meeting someone new. So when I was told that she was going to kill herself, I blamed myself for not being good enough, So I texted a friend, the kindest person from my class, she would always greet me, and would ask me stuff from time to time, even though I would put on an emotionless persona at school, everything about me is unnerving. She was the reason I have anything in my year book besides stuff I designed. But my logical sense always told me that when your the reason that someone did something, you did it yourself, so I said that I was the one who killed her. She called me, and I couldn’t speak because before then, I’d never cry for something sad in front of anyone because I don’t display my emotions like other people do, due to my high functioning Autism, and people get scared of me, so when the dam, broke, I cried for everything that happened and everything I did, all the sadness of dead family and pets, regret of scaring people, everything. all 10 years of school and the sadness that came with it. And as I said before, people get scared of me displaying my emotions, so when that dam broke, she called the police on me. They came to my house, and now I’m on their watch list forever. THEN CAME THE SECOND FUCK UP!!! I texted her for emotional support and her sister or mother, (The actual owners of the phone), said to me that I scared her and that I needed to talk to a psychologist, and told me that she was scared, I said to tell her that I‘m sorry, and to tell her thank you. The person called me a dumbass. and I reflected o it for several days, and now Here I am, writing this in a place for what I believe is the right place. And just in case you didn’t know why I said thank you to her, It was because I never saw myself as I did after I scared her. I saw myself as someone to avoid, and she helped me see that.

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRantsStories of Loss

leaving soon

by nonapanone
written by nonapanone

I am staring at the ceiling. My chest hurts. The sound the fan makes is suddenly too loud. I can’t breath right.

Why can’t I just die peacefully in my sleep?

Yes, I wouldn’t get to make a suicide note but I don’t have many people I want to say goodbye too.

Its just too much.

I promised myself I would hang on until I was 25, only 5 more years to not break my promise, but I don’t think I’ll be able to make it.

I wanted to finish uni, secure a job and move out to another place to start again and see if that way, I could be happy, but I don’t think I can hold on much longer.

I miss the people that used to be my friends, I miss uni, I miss looking happy in photos, I miss myself.

I thought that my sister giving birth would give me a purpose, some happiness, but now I only see it as a new opportunity to disappear.

I won’t be a burden to them, and all of my tuition money would go to the baby so my sister can feel more financially secure and my mother could get the operation she needs and start living her retirement the way she should.

I am sure they would move on quickly as I am quite irrelevant to them.

Heck, my mother can’t even remember my birthday, which funnily enough is at the end of the month.

I don’t really want to leave, I want another shot at happiness, as I’ve always said, but the pain is unbearable.

My mother doesn’t let me go on vacation with my father and doesn’t let me leave my house as she wants me to help with all the chores I couldn’t do when I was at uni. I’ll have to wait a little bit since he has the medication I want to end my life.

Oddly enough I am feeling sad because I’ll never see one of my professors again, but I keep reminding myself that him would have already forgotten about me. It’s sucks that he cared more about me than any of my parents during this academic year, but it’s time to move on.

I hope I’ll be able to get my meds soon and say goodbye forever.

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Rants

Jumbled Thoughts

by LiquidHuman
written by LiquidHuman

I hate coming on here sometimes. Not because I regret talking to someone, anyone, about these things. Not because I don’t appreciate how many people came to me with sympathy. But because when I look back on all that I’ve written on here, I realize nothing has changed. I’m still here. I still want it all to stop. I’m still too scared to end it all. I’m still unsure if death is really what I want. And I’m still depressed.

Part of me wishes someone would just do it for me. Part of me wishes I’d just walk down the street and get blind-sighted by a semitruck. I don’t know if it’s fear of the pain, or being sent to hell, or what that’s stopping me. But it’s certainly not the desire to live. Although, I do worry about my family sometimes. They’ll probably never recover from this. I hope they don’t find me if or when it happens. So maybe it’s guilt that’s stopping me.

But then there are the times when I feel as though I fade into the background, even with my family. While my mother is driving and I’m in the car with her, I feel like I’m fading away. She doesn’t look at me. We don’t talk. She just listens to the radio and I pretend I don’t exist. I hate the radio. I know when it gets turned on that’s my cue to keep quiet and fade out again. The radio makes me want to kill myself. Sometimes I leave my seat-belt off just in case we get into a car accident. I probably shouldn’t be admitting that. Isn’t that a crime?

Speaking of crimes, I wonder if I could just get a cop to shoot me. That’s called suicide by cop right? Does that still count as suicide? If there is a god up there, do you think he’d count that? I don’t know anymore. Everything is just shade of greys now. Didn’t Jesus commit suicide? Technically he didn’t do it himself. What is the difference between a martyr and a suicide victim? Again, I don’t know anymore.

All my thoughts are getting jumbled up. Thinking is painful nowadays. I wish I could just stop. Just give up on the whole thing. I’d get rid of my emotions too if I could. No more sadness, no more fear, no more anger. People would also make the argument that I’d also be throwing away happiness and excitement, but that would be fine by me too. Happiness is a drug for me nowadays. Even if it feels good in the moment, once it’s gone it leaves an empty, gaping hole in my stomach. Withdrawal sets in and end up feeling worse than when I arrived. So I keep finding ways to chase the high, and every time it leaves and I’m left with the withdrawal again. What’s the point? I’d rather feel nothing at all than waste time trying to chase that high. At least if I felt nothing at all, I’d at least find some form of peace.

They say smart people are more likely to be depressed. Well, I’m depressed, but does that really make me smart? Maybe it’s one of those situations: all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares. That’s probably more accurate. I mean, I don’t feel smart. I think a smart person would be smart enough to know they were smart. I also think a smart person would find a better way to phrase that last sentence.

My weather app told me the air quality was “unhealthy for sensitive people”. Maybe I’ll go outside today and that’ll do the trick.

God, you’d think I’d have ADHD with how much I’m darting from topic to topic. I think I’ll summarize this post with a joke I stole off a website. “Did you know oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas? Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally die within 80 years.”

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GeneralRants

Dirty Money

by Klownisak
written by Klownisak

Saturday evening I politely declined job suggestions and clearly stated that I didn’t ask for advice. The other person takes it as a slap to the face and gets hysterical. This happened over email, so I imagined him as a spoiled brat kicking and screaming for not getting his way.

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Rants

Don’t read this

by italktohumans713
written by italktohumans713

I am extremely neurotic, but I think that I hide it decently enough. I feel as if just enough of my fucked up internal life seeps through to the exterior of my persona for people to flag me as being off. Body language is always a tell. When people are in a situation with someone that they don’t like or don’t feel comfortable with, they will unconsciously touch their face, squint their eyes, or cross their arms. These subtle cues get directed at me constantly, even when the person hardly knows me. Like I said before though, it is probably the internal rot coming from me that they can sense, on some level. Once they get a whiff, I can see on their faces that they want to be anywhere besides with me.

Everyone has a side that only they know, a side that they and others know, a side that they don’t know but others do, and a side that no one knows. I feel like other people intuitively have extreme insight into my character defects, while I know almost nothing of them myself. There is a weird middle ground that I live in, where on one hand I know that people don’t like me, but on the other, I feel powerless to do anything about it. The little amount of self-awareness that I do have is gleaned from reliving past mistakes and cringey memories. I don’t even have the capacity to form positive memories any more. If I could only be alone permanently, I think that I would finally be happy.

Every day, when I get home after work and other obligations, I sit down and talk to myself like a lunatic. I imagine myself being dead, and think about what people might say. Then I angrily repeat my thoughts out loud, saying “he fucking shot himself,” “what a loser,” “that stupid piece of shit,” or I’ll egg myself on to do it, saying “fucking shoot yourself,” “kill yourself you fucking piece of shit,” or “do it you fucking loser.” These aren’t voices, they are just intrusive thoughts that have grown into action through an ever-growing feedback loop. I tried to OD on heroin several years ago, but I haven’t acted on my thoughts since. That doesn’t stop me from incessantly and compulsively thinking them though.

I don’t have self-pity any more because that would imply that I feel bad for myself. I don’t feel any pity at all for my situation, to be honest. Deep down, to my bones, I just really fucking hate myself.

 

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