There’s this hate in me that I do not understand, I usually hate myself and all the people around me. I am a nice person but people see otherwise. I am 26 and have reached nothing, when I was younger I thought I’d be someone great, important and happy. I moved out of my parents house 5 years ago and since then lived with my boyfriend. I am gay, and my parents doesn’t know (if they did they’ll tell me that I will burn in hell for the whole eternity). Life seems so dark and empty, my boyfriend is no longer attracted to me and […]
Rants
I was abused pretty early on by my father. Mentally and physically. He tried to kill me with a gun. It misfired twice. I used to think I was fortunate that happened, now I wish when he shot, he killed me. I would have saved me a lot of suffering.
Went to school teased there as well. Stood up to them didn’t matter. Beat them up. Didn’t matter. Told school officials didn’t matter.
Then my mother abused me mentally. She checked out on life for a number of years by taking percocet and valium. Which left me at 8 to pay the bills. The money was there […]
was diagnosed with fraying and tearing of Hip laberal early 2011 after suffering the pain for two years prior to that , when pain first started was under the care of tony Lambert out of dr wrights office for apox 8 mnth , kept telling him where the pain was at he told me i was to young for hip problems did a ex-ray on my back , where low and behold was nothing wrong with my back GEE ! He insisted  that I was depressed (of course i was also suffering from headaches *that I still get and crying due to the pain * […]
I’ve posted here before. I was in a bad way five days ago, so bad I was kind of sure it was the end. I started planning my suicide and making arrangements. But I left a post to warn my friends on a website and they brought me back. Not far enough to get suicide off the list, but enough not to go through with it. I called my aunt, she told my grandmother and older brother and my parents. It’s a little awkward with them acting like they are walking on eggshells and that makes me feel bad. I’ve been prescribed Citalopram by my […]
I apologize in advance: this is going to be very unorganized.
I tried to kill myself a little over a year ago, but I was taken to the hospital. I dropped out of college. Around the beginning of the school year, I had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I withdrew from school for a few months. The details are more complicated than that, but that’s not important right now. I got a job this past August, which I lost in January. Since then I’ve been moping around my parents’ house, pretending to look for a job or be interested in going back to school. Going […]
life
Is it really worth it?
To have no hope for tomorrow
To believe in nothing
To have lost faith in god and man alike
To wish, nay beg for death just to end the suffering
That you never asked for to begin with
They say be grateful you’re alive
It’s a miracle they proclaim
That you lived through being electrocuted
And stabbed
And hung
And cut
And poisoned
And starved.
You should be thankful you’re alive!
They don’t realize that
volts cook muscle
Stabs leave scars
Rope leaves burns
Cuts leave marks
Poison leaves damage
And starvation kills the stomach
They don’t get that living through […]
I don’t usually rant but hey what’s up? Sigh, so someone texts me saying sorry. Most likely one of my “friends” apologizing for calling me whore and other names. I’m looking at it and interested who it is, but at the same time not. Knowing their apology will do shit. They’ve already did their damage. So why apologize? It makes me laugh kinda actually. Like people say ignore it be tough. But it still affects you, then when they realizing. You want to take their head and slam it against a wall shouting- You don’t know anything walk away don’t ever apologize to me ever […]
So, this is going to be very long, and very jumbled. Very jumbled. Just a warning.
Listen: I was born into a big, messy house on a forested mountain with a wonderful view of the city of San Jose underneath.
This house was veritably filled with the trash of the past two generations that had lived in it. my grandmother had died in that house, and I’m fairly certain I had an uncle that was born there. I don’t really know.
There was a forest outside this house, a beautiful green thing filled with birds and […]
Even my friends abandon me in the end
fair-weather and clear skies bring us together
Strife and storms bore us apart
When things work out they’re there for me, but
When I’m in need, they flee
I’m too much, I’m a downer, I’m lost
I’m not worth it, I’m unfixable, I’m depressed
Why try to be what I’m not, just to see anothers response
When on the inside I’m just completely done?
I see the world for what it is, my views aren’t distorted
There is no love, no care, only hatred.
And when I say it aloud I draw a crowd of lies about
Its been a while I guess. Yesterday was going to be the day. I had it all planned, i was going to die. It wasnt until my friend from a different country, who I have not yet met, asked me if I was ok. She told me some things she once went through.. She told me how much I meant to her and others. That it wouldnt be the same without Zoe.. It was emotional, made me seriously think. Do I actually want to die? Sometimes yes. But there are those precious moments in life that give me the will to go on. I dont […]
I have had suicidal thoughts for several years now, some days are worse then others. I started living care-free…drinking until I black-out, putting myself in bad situations, and taking pills until I end up sick. I never really put enough thought into what my family would have to go through if I left. I felt like if I could somehow explain my pain to them…leave a thorough note, they would eventually understand. Day before yesterday I lost one of the most beautiful people I know. Just like that…she’s gone. Everyone is flipped upside-down, questioning what we could have said…done…anything to stop this. 22 years old, […]
I’ve always been depressed, well since I was twelve. But ill tell that story later. My obsession now is my heartbreak. I’ve never thought I would find love, I always wished and wished deeply for someone who truly loves me. For example the movie Ella Enchanted, when I saw it I wished everyday as I walked to school to have someone love me like Char loved Ella. Then a couple months ago, I found him the love of my life, my soul mate, my beautiful Nate. And we were perfect, until he had a stroke, he’s only 25, I was in shock. We barely get […]
Im just done. I tried being the nice guy. I did all the right things, said all the right bs, all to make everyone else happy. But you know what? I’m not happy. It ate away at me, piece by piece, until the only thing left was a walking corpse with my face. Every lie I told to keep everyone else safe. Taking all the blame, all the abuse and ridicule, all the punishment. I can’t do it anymore. Recovery is a lie that posterboys preach, a lie I’m done believing in. I’m depressed. I’m done trying to escape it, trying to treat it, trying […]
Do you believe in fate? If yes, then I have another question for you. If someone commits suicide, was it fate? Meaning, even if you or someone else attempted to stop them it would have happened anyway because it is their fate? I’m not saying fate should be blamed, I’m just beginning to believe that some things in life are inevitable no matter how much we humans try to change it.
Today I read an article in Psychology Today. In it a successful author was interviewed and he said that  most success in life is governed by chance. Basically someone could work just as hard and […]
Seriously, think back to your teen years or if you are a teen think about it. Everything suck.For me it’s like no one listens,caring, or understands anything about me. I have like no friends so i bury all of my emotions deep down inside. I’m extremely socially awkward. I’m supper shy and it’s hard for me to make friends. I only have 2 friend and one has moved so far away that i will probably never see her again. I’m stuck in the poorest city in america and I really don’t belong here. I hate it so much that I isolate myself in cyber school […]
Yesterday I got my living will in order. Cashed in all of my investments and assets. Paid off all my major bills up until the date of my demise. Still have to buy food and sundries though. As well as going to quite a few events and purchasing a lot of anime and asian horror to watch up until the day. Sent off my contributions to the local children’s hospitals. May go and visit again the week before I go.
For once I am at peace.
No more pain and prescription side effects. from the mental meds and the physical meds. Strange how even living a healthy […]
Since the day of my birth I have been made fun of for my appearance. Harsh judgement and bad treatment has followed me where ever I go. From hiding in the restroom and faking my own sickness to get away from the bullying in my elementary school, to dreading the visit of relatives from my father’s bloodline due to their constant act of sexual molestation towards me: I now understand how I was screwed up in the head. The only way anyone appreciated me (other than my loved ones) was when I allowed others to touch me in an inappropriate matter. This was the only way to […]
I’m deciding to end it.
It’s being decided slowly, but everyday the urge to end my life gets stronger and stronger.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I am physically sick from this depression.
God, where are you?
Can you hear me?
Are you even real?
Why are you ignoring me?
I need to know you exist.
It’s making me physically ill.
I’m terrified of death, but i know that if i kill myself, i wouldn’t even know i died because the pain will be gone.
I know all these worries will be gone.
My depression will be gone.
I will be gone.
Please God, if you exist, if i actually have a purpose, show me.
Show me that […]
What do you do in place of self harming.how do you not think about self harming,being sad,wanting to die, loneliness,and other things like that
A few weeks ago I went to therapy and my therapist was giving me substitues for self harming. But i find her substitutes un-useful to me. She told me to snap a rubber band on my arm,write out why I’m upset,or talk to someone. The reason these methods don’t work is because if I use a rubber band I do it until I break skin and see blood which is pretty much the same as cutting or burning. I’m tired of writing out what I feel because I honestly don’t know what I’m upset about most of the time. I also really don’t have anyone […]
I just joined this website and i made my first post a few hours ago, but it just seems that depression gets worse by the minute.
Being gay and catholic is not easy.
Being gay and really following any set religion is not easy.
I am losing my boyfriend and my closest friends because of my depression due solely to religion.
They worry about me all the time and tonight my boyfriend told me that he feels lonely.
When he said this, he cried and it broke me.
He is an amazing guy and he loves me so damn much.
I never knew love was like this.
He buys me things all the […]