I had a really lovely dream. I dont really remember it, but it was with my ex and we were on holiday or something. And I woke up really happy and I rolled over to his side of the bed to look at his handsome face and I realised he´s not there. And I actually had to think for a minute: why is he not there, I just saw him didn´t I? So I looked at my phone and I see a textmessage of my ex. I read it and it said he had always loved me unconditionally (which is not true) and that it hurt […]
Rants
I fail at keeping friends because I seem to push them away and then I get lonely.
I fail at love. I always get lead on and then they disappear like nothing ever happen. And now I’m falling in love with him.
I fail at protecting myself from bullies and just things that I let people to do me.
I fail in my schooling. My grades are always low because I can’t focus while I’m feeling this way..and it doesn’t help that my parents tell me “what happened? Now you are so stupid ”
I fail at keeping my own promises. I promised myself I […]
Just because I smile doesn’t mean I’m really happy. Just because I’m smart doesnt mean I’m mentally stable. Just because I wear clothes that cover up my body doesn’t mean I don’t have cuts and bruises from bullies underneath. Just because I am against suicide doesn’t maan I don’t consider it myself. Just because I help other doesn’t mean I don’t need help myself. Just because I like school doesn’t mean I like it because it’s fun.
Ok, so this thing called reality that I’m in right now, the reality that used to be completely solid. It doesn’t exist. None of this is real. I will drag my knuckles across concrete walls to try and make a connection. Nothing. I am so close to my dream I can taste it, but I know I will fail and then there will be nothing else and reality will completely cease to exist and I won’t stop screaming.
I’ve been waiting to die a horrific death ever since I was six. I would pray that during thunderstorms, I would be struck by lightning and go into a c0ma. I knew that my family was to poor to keep me in the coma and they would just let me die. It has never happened but I am very jealous of the people who get hit and survive. What a waste of a lightning strike. Every time I stepped into a car, I hoped a drunk driver would swerve directly into my side of the car leaving everyone unharmed but me. That’s why I refuse to wear a seat-belt, […]
The only people I prefer not to be around are those who are only around you for what you can do for them.
If it is not some women for how much you can spend or how much they can use you to be their emotional sponge, or family who at every turn reminds you of how less in their eyes you are because you are different but still is always wanting something from you, or male associates who either want to borrow something, get a hookup, or use you as an alibi or to bail them out of trouble.
Not that one minds helping people […]
I haunt this website sometimes. There have been plenty of times I’ve had something to say, to everyone or to one person or sometimes to no-one at all. This is the first time I’ve done anything about it.
If I had to choose, I think it would be heroin. An overdose of it. The circumstances are impossible for me to achieve, but if I had a choice, that would be it.
This time, I learned how to tie a noose. It was very quick. Simple. Elegant, when it was finished. I waited until the house was empty. No-one said goodbye as they left, just as they rarely […]
I learned this recently. The story is very confusing. Are you ready?
This is who I thought I was: a severely schizophrenic German boy, who was severely abused as a child, alongside his twin sister. He has a boyfriend, who also has a twin. He is in Foster care.
Who I really am: a Canadian girl, less severely abused, with no twin, no boyfriend, and no Foster care.
What happened: I have multiple personalities. I suppose I’m transgender, because all the personalities are male. I am also schizophrenic, though not as badly as previously thought. The original personality, the female birthed 18 years ago next week, is gone. […]
hi, i just need to get this off my back, so heres my story. i am a skateboarder, i have a pretty good life from what everyone knows about me, but thats not actually true. im that happy kid that almost everyone likes, they go to when they’re sad, they go to when they need inspiration, etc. thing they dont know is how unhappy i actually am, its not the cut myself unhappy, im too much of a pansy to even think about hurting myself, i cringe at the thought of a cut from a razorblade, fuck that. thing is, i hate what i am, […]
i’ve been contemplating suicide for about half a year now. just cant fucking take it. im 18 and i have never had a girlfriend, which i know, sounds like im whining. but i realize that i CAN’T have a girlfriend. i just never try ’cause i know there’s no point. why try and get rejected? if im suicidal ’cause i think i’ll get rejected, what the fuck’ll happen when i DO get rejected?? my drug problem also doesn’t help. i smoke pot every weekend, fridays and saturdays. i’ve tried coke, vicodin, percocet, codeine, shrooms, dxm, salvia, shit load of alcohol, meth, ecstasy, and i abuse […]
Like every other kid. I hate school. I am never happy there. The pretty popular girls are always staring me down. I never let it get to me but that plus every other thing that’s going on just makes me feel worse. This boy continues to annoy me and I stood up to him one day and asked why won’t you stop? He wanted me to stand up for myself and hit him. I told him I can’t do it. He probably thinks I’m worthless. Which I am. But I can’t hit him because I don’t have the strength. I don’t want this. […]
Nobody needs me. Sure my parents might love me. Atleast thats how its supposed to be. My mom and i used to be bestfriends. Now she makes fun of me. How i look or even things i do. Yeah, i laugh along with her but thats how good i am about hiding things. Its too much now. Ive told her that it hurts my feelings. You know what her reaction was? She laughed. I had a serious face. And she didn’t give a shit. I’ve done nothing to deserve this. I’m No bully. I’m that girl that if you hit her or annoy me. I […]
It’s been basically a year now. Since I was on this site. I’ve heard many stories of loss and divorce from so many people. Yet none of them seemed to hurt as much as I felt just a year ago. In a year everything can change in a heartbeat. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes maybe not. But in the end change is a matter of life and you can’t shy away from it. If right now you are feeling desperate or in despair. Just think of it as a tunnel. I know you’ve heard of it before. Or you’re saying to yourself but you don’t […]
hello internet
i just wanna write something what i think of stuff, hope you can underestand what i mean because english is not my first language. I found this page by searching google for information about hanging. Sitting in my room alone ( im not going to kill myself) just thinking about that if someone wants to kill themselves they should be allowed to. If youre over 18 and havnt got any mental health problems which would affect your ability to make decisions. its your decision and alot of people are lying that they care and just talking stuff like they know but they just saying […]
While I write this i fear of the pain i will cause with this simple action,
But i will confess the true. I have been trying to kill myself for a few
months now. I was learning electrons to make my own defibrillator and will be able to fine all my research under Research on Defibrillations. (Tomboy notes) After a month or two upon finding out that this will not work, I tried to overdose on aspirin. When i didn’t die i did some more research and found out that the mortality rate for an aspirin overdose of more than 300 mg/kg is less than […]
Earlier today in the town right next to where I live, a kid committed suicide. He was only 17. I went on facebook today and a “Friend” of mine was acting entirely childish about the entire thing and posting comments about how “if he was gonna off himself he should have done it with a gun or hanging himself at least”. How dare someone. How can someone even begin to make a comment like that on such a serious and awful topic? I didn’t know the person, but I can only imagine how much pain he must have been feeling to resort to that. He […]
Im tired of thinking things will be better. Im tired of hoping to find a guy who is nice and likes me for me. Im tired of being burned by people i trusted. I tired of waiting for happiness. I tired of waiting for someone to hold my hand, hug me when i feel like crying and kiss me in the rain. I havent been on here for awahile cuz i hoped that i didnt need it anymore…obivously i was wrong because my life will never be better and i tired of sticking around waiting for the impossible to happen…guys are assholes and girls are […]
It is scary, that I use to find comfort in the idead of being able to die, well, no, kill myself. But now, I am able to find comfort that I am going to work, save up money, and just leave this city, this state, this country and move somewhere else. Just leave everything, all this mess. No one will be able to follow me. No one will be able to find me. I will start fresh, somewhere new. Somewhere else…
I hope everyone is doing good and find their freedom from pain, just not through death. Not through death.
my mom hung herself from a bike hook in the garage this sept. I miss her. she was in so much pain. she had no hope she talked to me and I talked and read and and we fought and she battled and i searched and she persevered but she couldn’t hang-on any longer. for anyone that is reading this and thinking about suicide please know that you are not alone. please know I care. please know my mom was lost too. please know that while I can accept how you may feel about the world and even yourself- the […]
To sum things up, I don’t like my life.
By no stretch of the imagination is my life the worst. The hardest, the most miserable. But I still hate living.
My childhood was verbally abusive. I live with the constant guilt of driving a loved one to their death because of my neglect. I was molested in the 7th grade. My friends don’t ever invite me to their social gatherings, though I guess I wouldn’t want to hang around with me either.
My family and myself are in deep shit financially.
In school, I have advanced classes. Did well on the SATs, state tests, the like. But […]