I found this website while feeling quite depressed this afternoon, it was not a good day: I fucked up my antidepressants and I need somewhere to vent, so this will be my kind-of blog, or journal, somewhere where others can read it, or they can keep living their lives.
Today was a tough day. I live in a quite elite aria, where social status is everything and money is important. I am one of the more popular people at my highschool, and I am in grade 11. Im a quite good student and achieve around an 80% average every semester.
I have bulimia, which has transformed into binge eating disorder. I am 5’11”, blonde, and I finally weighted my self the other day.. I now weigh 178lbs. I used to weigh 150. This has made me even more depressed, and now I binge almost every day.
My parents found out about my eating disorders when I left evidence by the toilet last April. They yelled and screamed at me, because my sister also suffers from bulimia, and immediately made me start to see a new psychiatrist. I had already been seeing a therapist to help me vent from my mother, but now I see a new woman.
She makes me eat so much, and I cant do my usual binge on the weekends, starve myself on the weekdays type lifestyle.
People at my school call me big night, because I have big nights all the time, where I get way too drunk, smoke too much, and do stupid things. This has become my image, and I feel as if I cannot get rid of it. I am known as a blow job slut, but Im still a virgin. And my parents are so strict, they used to never be home and around, but now they always must be around, especially if our house keeper is not home because they have to make sure i am not binging. I hate it when they know my business, but I really dont want to lie to them or disappoint them with my eating, so I am so afraid to go to my next appointment and for my parents to find out that I have been binging every day. My parents dont know Â I get really drunk and dont know im a slut, but im okay with keeping that a secret.
Theres a guy, who is a douche who used me last year. He would make me do stuff that I was not comfortable doing, and we never dated, but once he got the girl he wanted who wasn’t me, he stopped talking to me and completely made me feel like a tissue, used and abused. I hated him, and I never want to feel like that again, but I felt like everything came back to him. Like if I looked good one day, it only mattered if he saw me, I felt obsessive and frustrated, because I just wanted him to know what he was missing out on. Hes not even fantastic looking, or even that smart. There was just something about him, that just clicked with me.
This year, he was in my law class. I was terrified of him. I walked into class and took the first seat I saw far away from him, shaking. But my only friend in the class B was sitting close to him and had saved a seat for me beside him. Therefore I had to sit near the boy who used me last year. I was terrified, I have never been so scared of someone before in my life.
After a while, we started to talk, over Facebook, the bbm. He apologized for the way he treated me and we started things out slow. Eventually we hooked up at a party, and I gave him head. We didnt talk for the whole weekend, but then he started to talk to me again. We started to deal, but my parents never let me go over to his house, mostly because they thought it was inappropriate and because they didnt know him. Also because they thought that a date should be somewhere in public. As much as I wanted to hook up with him and do stuff with him, i would have been just as contente in public with him aswell. I dont think boys work that way though.
After a week, he made it quite clear to me we wouldnt be official until the new year. Hes been sending me mixed signals ever since. On Friday he told me that he still wanted to date in the new year, and i sent him some pictures, but today he went home with another girl, and I know him, I know they hooked up. And that makes me upset.
It makes me feel like because of my problems that its my fault things arnt working out between us, and that because ive gained so much weight that I am the problem and Â that nobody likes me. I know that my theirapist tells me that nomatter what we look like its whats in the inside that counts, and that if we obsess about stuff that only negative resluts will come, but still. I am so upset.
Not only did that happen today, but today I got in trouble from my first cousin once removed who is a vice principle at my school for cyber bullying, because some ***** who sucked off a guy in my school ratted me out for writing in her formspring. Since then, Ive deleted my formspring and facebook. I figured that if someone wants to talk, they can text me or call me.
Tomorrow I have a law test and I havent started studying, and Im buying my friend cigarettes at lunch. I have a first period presentation, and the guy who fucked around with me last year has spare first. Then we’re playing in the snow in leadership, and in math, which is now my faveourite subjuect, even though it is college university math, and not university math, is strait foreward and doesnt require a lot of work.
Today I wanted to kill myself. I found out that if you wait a feeling out like that, for a couple hours, that it will go away. I no longer have the suicidal feeling, but I did earlier. Maybe I should try that method when wanting to binge. I will turn to this website as my journal slash blog and I dont care if people read it, but I like the fact that it is open to the public and others can comment on it. Comment if you like, but I know i wrote a lot and most people wont want to read it. I have a good feeling this will help me, and next time I feel really depressed I will come here.