Does the sadness ever end?
I’m so empty so weak and tired
Things probably never get better do they?
Does the sadness ever end?
On the surface my life seems perfect. I have a job, a car, so called friends, and I’m about to finish my degree in finance.
Yet despite all this I still want to die.
I guess the core trauma started when I was 7 and my parents got divorced. (there were many others)
Life before that was perfect and I distinctly remember my parents sitting me down
and telling me I have nothing to worry about and that they promise they won’t divorce.
They divorced the next day and my life spiraled out of control.
My dad turned into a religious nut and began giving away all of his money to homeless people.
It got to the point where he read some bullshit where it said a good christian only eats one small meal a day.
And ended up nearly starving to death.
He also lost his ability to function as an adult or take care of me as a kid.
He wouldn’t even let me wash my clothes (“jesus” spoke to him) and as a result
I ended up smelling and bullied horrifically because of it. (“jesus” also hated deodorant)
It got so bad that sometimes I would go without food for 2-3 days because he couldn’t find work.
We also ended up getting evicted because he ordered 30 pizzas and left them in front of a picture
of Jesus for 10 days and said if I eat them, I’ll be dammed to hell. (I shit you not) This also happened when we were broke and dirt poor.
I still have the building managers look of disgust etched in my memory even though this happened almost a decade ago.
Then everything changed. (not for the better)
My aunt came, picked him up and took him to a rehab clinic.
I was dropped off at a friend’s house and left there.
While I wasn’t abused or anything and they were a “normal” family,
I was still a stranger in their home and couldn’t speak Spanish and felt like a stranger.
Then by some miracle I graduated high school (the same one I got bullied in)
Eventually I ended up getting my life together.
And that’s when I the depression hit.
Everything lost meaning in my life.
Everyday goes by and I feel emptier and emptier.
It’s funny, I used to feel an intense anger when I was with my dad and my life was screwed.
That anger disappeared.
Now I feel extremely tired.
Every time I go to school or work exhausts me, every time I socialize with friends I feel out of place.
For some reason I feel like I stick out.
Also, every time I’m in a room with people I feel like they keep staring at me and are sizing me up.
Also, the last relationship I was in ended with the girl crying and saying her life would be better without me in it.
I feel she could tell something is wrong with me.
I feel no like I have no more fight left in me.
I went from being a lone outcast in high school to one of the top performing students in my college class with a 4.0 GPA (sorry to brag If it makes you feel better, I’ll probably be dead soon.)
Yet I’m more miserable than ever.
Everything I do is meaningless.
In essence, I’m a zombie.
A dead man walking.
The only thing keeping me from doing it is fear.
I don’t even know why I wrote this to be honest.
Maby somebody else feels the same way I do.
If I showed my true colors, what would society think?
Would they laugh, show pity, or read the ink?
I’m exhausted from smiling every single day
When I know the pain won’t just go away.
Every night I cannot sleep
Because my thoughts run so deep.
They went out for a stroll
But got sucked into a black hole.
My focus is no longer there, anywhere.
I don’t know why I’m like this, I swear.
It seems like I’m just well-dressed.
That just means how much I’m stressed.
My friends all laugh and hang around.
You don’t need water to be drowned.
This darkness beneath consumes my mind.
It’s like I’m living my life blind.
On the outside I’m holding it together,
But it’s as unpredictable as the weather.
“How are you?” “I’m fine.”
But the truth lies between the lines.
It’s like being on Mars and trying to breathe air.
When they talk about the future, I don’t really care.
You say to suck it up and to be strong,
But little do you know what exactly is wrong.
My life is forever altered because of this.
That cheerful 5 year old is who I miss.
This is war; you either win or die trying.
You speak the truth or continue lying.
The changes were all so very subtle; I don’t blame you for not seeing,
But what you don’t understand is that I’m a human being.
The truth is you wouldn’t last if this was in your brain,
But I’ve found a way to numb the pain.
I have to fight my mind every single second,
But that’s only because this thing had beckoned.
I wouldn’t ever choose to feel this way; these were the cards I was dealt.
My only wish is that more people would understand how we felt.
Sometimes a glimpse of wonder wanders on over,
But it’s as rare as finding a four leaf clover.
Monsters don’t live under our beds.
They scream inside of our heads.
Still, I live with the hope that one day I will win.
I will defeat the monster that’s under my skin.
I know compared to what some of the other stuff people have said, this might be, “lame”, but I have been at such a low point in my life lately and I need somebody’s help. I hate it at home. I hate my family. If you’re wondering why, it’s because I feel like I can’t have a normal life. I live in a strict household, I never feel love no matter how much times my parents say it to me because their words are hollow to me. Actions speak louder than words, and I have been taken granted by everyone around me. Sometimes I feel like ending it all just to teach them a lesson for the better of everybody. So basically, high school is my escape.
I haven’t really opened up to my friends about this stuff (it would just make our relationship awkward, and hanging out with them is one of the only times I feel normal) and there’s this girl I’ve been talking to for a couple of years. We’ve gotten really close, but I never asked her out. I thought I had made it clear she was MINE, but lately my best friend has been talking to her, flirting. And I feel her drifting away from me, and whenever I wanna feel happy for either of them I just feel envy. I envy him, the people around me with for the most part, normal, happy lives.
I have also been grounded for a really long time for doing some illegal stuff (I’m leaving it at that) so I can’t even hang out with my friends anymore. I’m drifting away from everyone.
I play basketball, music is also one of my only escapes, but lately the stuff that makes me happy does not outweigh the pain I feel because of the circumstances around me. I just need some help, advice that can help me feel better.
i’m 18 and i have a three year old, i still live with my parents for support but i can’t do it anymore. mentally. they’re constantly bringing me down. everyday they walk into the house i feel myself tense up. get frustrated. i can never say anything because they’re my support system. if i had a way out to make money some how i’d get out of here in a heart beat. i’ve even thought about killing myself it’s gotten that bad. but i can’t stand the thought of leaving my son in this hellhole with them. i have it so good here but what’s that good do when all i want to is die. i love my son with all my heart but i don’t think i’m good for him. i don’t know what to fucking do. i. just. want. to. die.
sorry for the rant i’m sobbing.
i keep trying to wreck myself instead of killing it,i cut even tho i don’t consider myself a cutter, i smoke but im not a smoker either, and i fucking hate food, and now for the first time in my life i’m starting to pass out randomly. the thing is tha now im not doing anything particularly to trigger this. but what’s even more sick is that i feel proud, it’s like my plans are working and im slowly dying. most of the passing outs happened when i’m alone thankfully and i was in a place to rest and not fall. it was only once when i was out and for that people called my family and now they are focusing more on what i do,, i hate that i want to fucking die in peace.
is it sick to be happy that you are sick? im pretty sure something is very wrong with my body cuz my heart hurts but im happy? it’s so weird and complicated
Idk why I am posting. It’s not even really suicide related nor do I plan to.
i found this website out after trying to find tools to cut with more since I was getting bored with it (as sick as it sounds…) and found this website. Originally, I thought it was a dead website since the look of it looked like it was stuck in 2010 as well as the only post I saw dating to 2013. However, I saw the recent posts dating back to an hour. All my life I struggled with my identity, depression, anxiety as well as now my cutting addiction just wanting to end it all since I wasn’t “normal.” However, it’s amazing a community of open suicidal people can talk about their instances as well as thoughts without judgement and more over to help one another.
My life has been just an illusion. When I lost both of my parents, I realized this “perfect family” and my “perfect friends” were fake and just out to use me to their benefits.
So many times have I thought that if I have died I could have saved the lives of the ones I have lived somehow. That somehow the people I could have saved could have survived with my death.
I know how Ian Curtis felt when he said he did not want to live past his 20s.
I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Everything is going wrong with my life right now and I feel nothing. Not anger, not sadness, nothing.
I just have this emptiness that I cannot fill. What’s funny is that people have been telling me that i look happier lately. Hilarious.
At this point I wish I was sad or angry. I wish I felt something. This enotionlessness scares me to no end. It makes me numb to things. I’m scared I will do something to myself.
I laugh it off and “smile though the pain” because I think if my body looks happy then I will be happy. Right?
I don’t even know anymore. I don’t care about things anymore. Apathy is supposed to be good right? But why don’t I feel better.
I keep screwing everything good in my life and I just don’t care. Or I care too much. At this point, I’m not sure. Everything is so screwed up and I have no one to talk to. No one would understand. I just wish someone would realize just how much I need help.
ive had enough, life hates me every fucking thing never worked for me. i wanted to get into a good uni, all my friends got in but me, i wanted a good major but now my major is stupid. i fight with my family about money and life is so fucking expensive i’d rather fucking die. i wanted to get a driving license but it got denied. i have to really beg for a ride even to uni and it fucking sucks . i dont think i really love anyone and the one person i love is too complicated and would leave any second. im living just because i cannot die. fuck food i feel so guilty when i eat and then i end up binging like a pig or never eating at all. i look at my face and i see something i hate. i just want to fucking die. and my phone fucking died and isn’t opening up and my fam are so mad at me for it too. why cant i just shut down like that and pray goodbye. i cut even tho i said im gonna stop and im so dizzy but i cant sleep because i dont want blood to get everywhere. this fucking life sucks because it’s so tasteless and i deserve nothing.
i wonder alot why im still here. sure, i have friends, my family is ok, i love my cat. my life could be worse. so why do i complain about wanting to kill myself? i think im still valid, right? i was born a double whammy (technically triple), i was born with a cleft lip and palate, so my nose is assymetrical, and my teeth are all kinds of fucked up, and i cant breathe through my nose so my teeth are yellowish from having my mouth open all the time. plus i was born almost 10 pounds, and my parents and grandparents are pretty heavy, and here i am, almost 17 years later, still fat. The triple whammy was , i was born a female, which is not what i am, im a transgender male. so why do i not want to be here if i said my life isnt that bad? well, i hate myself, im a liar, im toxic, im clingy, im dependent on having a significant other. im stupid, im ugly, im fat, and i wouldnt be suprised if people hate me. im nosy, im gross, im sweaty, im hairy, i try to hard, im not nice enough, im not loud enough, im not good enough. im never any ones first option. im never the love of someones life. im never good enough to keep around for the long haul. my friends in high school are all gonna leave me eventually. whether it be losing contact or what be it. im gonna be alone forever. i know im young but, whats the point, im not popular, im not cute, im not skinny, im not normal, im not funny, im not talented, i have no redeeming qualities. i have no purpose in life. i cant seem to find it. im lazy, unmotivated, my hygeine sucks, my manners suck, im too introverted, i cancel plans, i get too anxious, im annoying to everyone, im stupid, im a hypocrite, i just suck. im a bad human being, and a waste of space if im being honest. im only here because im too afraid, yet another cowardly trait, im too afraid of failing to kill myself, im too afraid of pain before death, im afraid of what comes after. im afraid ill be a braindead vegetable, and ill have to live with that. im afraid of what my grandma will do, of how my cat will feel, how my parents will react. how affected my current friends will be. i dont want me dying to cause a major dip in their mental health. i dont want to become “that kid who killed himself” at my school. i dont want my death certificate to say my given name. i wont be remembered that well, so who cares. the only people who will remember my name is my immediate family. im just so numb now, i dont know what else im supposed to do
Suicide is the routine. The balancing act. No one left behind hurts and mourns. The worlds move on.
Death is not news anymore. Life goes on. The value of existence is relative. Meaning of life is what one assigns it.
Winners live and breed. Losers bow out with dignity. All fair game. Humanity doesn’t need so many of its kind; only a few harbingers of the voyage into the future. Let their tribe increase. All the rest are dispensable.
They who know their role in the cosmic play (or lack thereof) are free to slip behind the curtains of being. The audience and the critics of society pay no heed.
Everyone understands. Its the grand show that must goes on. All else is mere happenstance.
Not sure what I’m hoping for, writing this. Just need to vent, I guess.
Basically, I’m just sick and tired of people in power going out of their way to cover up the fact that people like me exist. That is people who are unapologetically suicidal and can compellingly demonstrate that our desire to die is rational and justified.
Last year, my government ran yet another inquiry into a particular sub-area of the mental health crisis in our country. In my country, anyone can make a submission to most government inquiries, expressing their views, ect., and expect those submissions to be acknowledged by the government and published on the inquiry’s website.
Typically, the turn-around between making a submission and the government publishing that submission will be somewhere between a couple days and a week.
With this inquiry, I started writing what I anticipated being about a 10-12 page submission, but the sense of injustice just kept flowing like a ruptured dam and I ended up with a document containing almost 140 pages of testimony about the mental health system, suicide, and the problems of our culture with regard to suicide and despair.
I sent the document to the inquiry’s handlers, and for weeks I heard nothing in return. Not even a courtesy “We recieved your submission”. I had to chase them up for confirmation that the document was recieved, which they acknowledged. But it still didn’t appear on their website and they claimed this was because they were “very busy”. Meanwhile, submissions that were dated AFTER my own were being posted on their website.
Eventually, my submission was posted on the website, 4 months after I’d submitted it, and only a couple days before the inquiry officially concluded! However, according to an insider, the inquiry’s final report had actually been composed weeks prior, and was now just sitting in some politicians’ desk draws waiting for the official reporting date to roll around. Most likely, the senators running the inquiry never even looked at my submission; and I suspect that it’s publication was put off til the last possible minute so that outside watchers of the inquiry wouldn’t be aware of it’s existance.
Why? Because in several places I present arguments for why many peoples’ decisions to commit suicide are rational and justified with regard to their circumstances, and argue that “suicide prevention” in such situations must focus on changing the horrendous circumstances, and not the mind of the person enduring them. My submission doesn’t try to ‘talk anyone into committing suicide’, it tries to talk the powers that be into being respectful and enlightened towards the suicidal person’s thoughts, values, feelings and experience.
My stance is that we can’t have a proper and effective public discussion about suicide until the people who believe they are better off dead then alive are aloud to speak freely an unencumbered, so that they can clarify to everyone else why they have adopted that stance and what changes they need to see in order to find life the more preferable choice.
“Stop trying to fix the rational suicidal person and instead start fixing the lives that aren’t worth living” would be the takeaway message I’m trying to impart.
But, I suspect, the people braying over and over that “we need to talk about suicide”, “we need to encourage the suicidal people to reach out and talk about what they are going through”, are loathe to admit that there are clearheaded, rational people out here who can effectively defend their preferance for death. As loudly as they might protest our suicidalness if they ever caught us standing on the ledge of a building, in reality, they don’t want us to exist.
A little over two weeks ago, I submitted an adapted version of my previous submission to a new government inquiry. So far, it’s shaping up as the same shit. Submissions that were submitted later then mine are appearing in droves on the inquiry’s website. Several of them are almost as big as mine, and a couple are even bigger. Many of them, like mine, are scathing of our mental health industry. The only thing I can see that sets mine apart is the fact that I unapologetically admit to being suicidal, that I maintain that it is a legitimate stance for me to be suicidal, and that I present compelling arguments for why suicidalness can often be rational and justified.
I sent an email to the inquiry staff asking if they’d gotten my submission and politely prompting them for some explaination about the delay. I sent it a day before the long weekend started. No response. I know they’ve been at work, because new submissions have been appearing on the website.
Even if it was published today, it would simply be a nondescript submission buried in the middle of all the others. It would appear in the middle of the list, and likely nobody would ever notice it was there. I’m sure that’s not by accident. They don’t want anyone to contemplate the contributions of the suicidal man, much less his legitimacy. They just want everyone to keep bullying him into “getting the ‘help’ he needs.”
It’s yet to be seen whether my submission will be published at all, let alone whether or not it will actually be considdered by the inquiry board.
TBH, I really don’t like my chances.
I’m tired of it. So very very tired.
As a citizen, I have a right to be heard by my government. Those are the explicit values of our western-type democracy, and the very justification for why they make these inquiries open to public submissions in the first place.
As a suicidal man, I have the right to state my position clearly and frankly in a public discussion on the topics of mental health & suicide.
I speak respectfully. I speak honestly. I speak frankly. I speak relevantly on matters that are not only deeply important to myself, but to the entire nation, and especially it’s suicidal citizens. Yet I am made invisable because the facts are that suicide can often be compellingly justified and I have the nerve to bring those facts to light.
Just stop with the goddamned hypocrasy! Stop weeping that you want us to stay with you here in life, then do everything in your power to make it as if we – along with everything we think, believe and cherish – don’t exists. If you don’t want me, and other rational suicidals around, then just let us go and stop bitching about the fact that we kill ourselves.
— End Rant (for now) —
hi, my name is milo.
i tend to hide my emotions and bottle them up until i break. everyday i force myself to get up and go to school and do what needs to be done. i’m okay throughout the day but as soon as i’m alone and it’s nighttime i breakdown. i cry myself to sleep everytime i realize that nothing is going to get better. i’ve been in the same spot for over 5 years now and nothing has changed. i was sexually assaulted by my ex-best friend, constantly being blamed for things that weren’t my fault, and my boyfriend of almost 2 years recently left me around a couple of months ago. i blame myself for the situation with my ex every single day and i know if i didn’t listen to the words of others and also let my emotions control my head none of this wouldn’t of happened. i became so selfish and i didn’t even mean to. i loved this boy with every fiber of my being. i felt real love for the first time and to watch him leave because of my actions was the worst thing i have ever done. i’m not trying to play a victim card here, i know personally these things were because of my thoughts and actions. i own a vent account on insta and i always talk on there but i just feel like i’m always taken as a joke. i wish my friends could see things from my perspective and not accuse me of being selfish. it sucks. i’ve been to multiple therapy sessions, mental hospitals and treatment facilities. none of those places helped. i feel so damn trapped and alone every single day and i see absoloutely no reason to be alive anymore. i’ve had people tell me;
“oh there’s plenty of things to live for!”
“what about your future?”
“don’t you want a family?”
“don’t you realize how many of us will miss you when you’re gone? please stay for us it’s the least you can do! just stay strong!”
none of these sentences help or make me feel better. if anything these sentences make me feel guilty and worse. i’ve gotten to a point to where i’m about to sell all my animals and cut off everyone i know. i’ve already started to notice how my friends talk behind my back, that hurts especially because i’ve known these people for years now. it just gives me another reason to die. everyday i find out something new and slowly but surely i’m reaching my limits. i’m out of options, i’m too anxious to talk to the national suicide hotline or even message them, and all in all, just so, so tired of being in this continuous loop. honestly the only reason i’m still here is because i keep getting too scared to die right before i’m about to pass my limits. this has happened to me twice already and i just want to leave. anything is better than where i’m at now.
I once decided to end my life at March 15. But then some things have turned upside down and I decided to live. But now, a month after that day, I decided to end my life too. Not now, I say, but soon. Soon. What I have in my mind is after my boyfriend and I’s anniversary, May 17. I just want to feel what it’s like to have a one year relationship. I just want to make him feel loved too, even for one last time. But if things goes out of planned, then maybe earlier. I just need to finish this school year, May 2. Then afterwards I can die. It’s just a shame that I won’t finish what I have started and this school year’s been tough, I just want to pay my hard works off. So maybe after that or the anniversary. But something within me screamed that I’m scared and I want to live longer. I was badly searching for reasons to live ever since that day, that day I decided to kill myself. I thought I have found it, but even if I found those reasons, there are a lot of obstacles trying to get them away from me. To the point that I’m nearly losing all my hopes. My parents have already lost hope upon me, so what’s the point of holding on unto mine right? But if I survived longer, if I found some reasons again to hold on, I will tell a tale of my survival again. I’m so lost right now and my parents have called me crazy and dramatic. Yeah, maybe I am what they called me to be. But it’s because of my anger to everything and everyone, including to myself. I can’t seem to save myself. That’s why I need to be saved. But how?
I’ve been looking for ways to numb myself. I get absolutely nowhere. It’s not fair, I just wanna be numb. I don’t wanna make an effort to even feel better anymore. I just wanna stop feeling emotion.
I hate being brokenhearted over my ex. I hate being stressed about going off to college. I hate that painful lump in my throat I get from crying. I hate the cold sweat I break into when I’m anxious. I hate the fire that burns in my heart. I want to be dormant and freeze my heart up for good.
I want to die, but I fear the afterlife. My best bet is to stop feeling anything altogether.
Today is the day I’m going to stop feeling. After submitting this entry, I am going to wipe my eyes, stiffen my lips, and turn off the sad music. My emotions are going to die today, not me.
i’m such a disappointment. my first semester in college i did shit. i was put on academic probation and i have yet to tell anyone, not even my parents. i’m going to fail out of college because i’m so fucking dumb. i either don’t get anything or i’m just stupid and too depressed to get up and do my shit. i have no fucking job cause i’m dumb. i have no one, no friends to talk to. i’ve been relying on apps to meet people and even then i somehow disappoint them. ill probably end up lonely since i’m too fucking scared to kill myself and disappoint everyone again.
I think I was 6 or 7 the first time I considered suicide. I really didn’t want to go to swim class–such a stupid, stupid reason to want to die. Nevertheless, I locked myself in my room and considered how to kill myself. I decided on a knife. I wanted to slice myself open. The knives were in the kitchen, though. I put on my swim suite and went to class. But from that day on, death was in the back of my mind. By the age of 10, I was mentally rehearsing my suicide note nightly and crying myself to sleep. My room was on the second floor, and my window was missing the protective screen. It would be so easy to climb out onto the roof and jump–but I was so afraid that it wouldn’t be high enough to kill me. Countless times, I’ve wished for a gun, or to be brave enough to step in front of a car. I would like to die, but I don’t want to harm anyone else. I don’t want to traumatize a driver, I don’t want to traumatize my family. I want to fall asleep and never wake up.
There are six kids in my family. I am not close with any of them, but they all seem to deeply love and care for each other. I’m not sure if my parents love me. If they do, I don’t want to hurt them. I can’t stand disappointing them. I don’t want them to be blamed for my death, either, even if I never felt like I could ever talk to them on an emotion level (they were always very awkward whenever the subject even came near that, and any kind of physical affection just wasn’t a thing in my family). I think they are generally good people. There is just something wrong with me that I don’t want them to be associated with.
I’ve never had a friend, either. Just acquaintances. No one I would ever talk emotionally with. I’ve never told anyone about my persisting death wish. But that’s also partially because I feel like I don’t deserve to feel this way–I get good grades, I have a family, I’m well-fed, I’m privileged. How dare I be so sad when I have it so good? Again, there is something wrong with me.
But I don’t trust the psychiatrists. My brother is bipolar, and after experiencing some of the “family treatments”, I can never respect or trust their methods. They were just so hurtful and pointless. And I don’t want my parents to to deal with the stigma of having another “crazy child”. I don’t want to deal with the stigma of being “crazy” either. I don’t want to bee seen that way, and if I ever get the guts to go through with dying, I don’t want anyone to stop me.
But I also don’t think I have the right to take my own life. I was given a chance to live, and I don’t think I have a say in who lives or dies–even for myself. So my desire to die and my belief that I don’t have the right to kill myself tear me up. I don’t know what to do and I can’t tell anyone. I think there were times when I didn’t obsess over death. How do I get back?
Every single day, a thought of me committing suicide or me simply not being here.. crosses my mind.
I want to obtain happiness within, but the darkness/sadness wins every time. It’s hard to walk up a very steep hill with 20tons on your back.
My thoughts are always with me, I cannot escape them.
my thoughts hurt me. actions hurt me. everything hurts.
I am currently a senior in high school. As the time went on throughout my high school years, I slowly started to gather information and reasoning on why I don’t need to be here anymore. I don’t feel important and there have been so many incidences where I was not remembered by the people I thought would. My “friends” all worry about each other, but when it comes to me I am nothing nor a thought. I have a multitude of stress at home to go along with my sadness and it just becomes too overwhelming. I also have work that kicks me while I’m down. If it’s my time to go, then I’m completely okay with that.
This is short and doesn’t have many details to properly explain, and I’m sorry for that.