Posts like this, about my deep philosophic issues seem to appeal to a tight and not particularly responsive audience. Which is why it comes out here and not somewhere else, when I write about my issues here it is just that I need to write out the thing. If I get some sort of feedback I value it, but feedback isn’t expected, if that makes sense.
Which brings back to the point that I’ve never fully internalized the idea of myself as a person and not a very complex and temperamental machine. I don’t mean my identity because that is external to my mind and perhaps in the soul. My mind and body though are an interconnected array of hardware, firmware and software. When I’m sick my work is all about narrowing it down to whether my program is shit, my OS or BIOS is bugged or there is a hardware failure. Example right now I’m having lower abdomen problems, a hardware issue that is presently unavoidable.
This machine that is me is immensely powerful and that is the only justification I have for the complexity. It does me no good to be so complex, it makes diagnostics hard and makes it hard to get people interested in the workings of my mind. Humans like simplicity and understanding, and I am neither of those.
Due to the power though I have quite a bit of trouble aiming. Much as I have trouble applying the complex power of computing not because of lack of understanding but because the excess of power creates so many possabilities. Which is why I outsource much of the desire portion of motivation to other people. Simple people don’t have the agony of trying to aim a giant mechanism, the difficulty of all the things it might do but doesn’t.
Sometimes I get this fantasy like I could chart my own course, be my own boss and such. I long for freedom from the very things that keep me on course. At this point I’m only going in this direction because it is going so well, I have invested so much in building the foundations for my current project that emotionally I feel attached. It’s not that I like it though, at least not today.
Maybe I’m just trying to escape myself. I just want to rest and not have the responsibility that comes with controlling all the parts of my body and mind, and the extensions that are my house, car, computers and so on.
Then other times I think that I’m wanting to die out of aggression and bitterness of not being appreciated. It’s a childish thing of feeling like I deserve adulation just for having ability, and not requiring demonstration of said ability. Then I think about the end goal, where people will admire me because of this massive workpiece I’m chiseling away on.
Every once and awhile
I sit down with myself asking:
“Onceler, Why are you a Onceler?”
And I cringe I don’t smile
As I sit their on trial asking:
“Aren’t you ashamed of yourself, you old Onceler?”
“You ought to be locked in a hoosegow you should;
The things that you do are completely ungood!”
Yeah! But if I didn’t do them then someone else WOULD!
“That’s a very good point, Mr. Onceler.”