Today I had a conversation with my psychiatrist and my parents about medication. Because only therapy doesn’t work for me, they decided to start with medication despite of the side effects it could have for me. But taking that decision is much easier than searching for the right medication. An antidepressant would take too much risk, because my father is bipolar and they were afraid that I would get stucked in the vicious circle of bipolar. Also other side effects influenced the fact that an antidepressant wasn’t a good option for now. So my psychiatrist went looking for sleep medication. She could only give me […]
Stories of Hope
The only place i really feel safe anymore is church, my friend andrew begged me for MONTHS to go with him and i caved in having given up on religion a long time ago.
Where was god when i got raped? Where was he when i asked for forgivness? To get past these feelings, to fight depression?
So i started going and i’ve started talking to a lady named candice, shes nice and is one of the youth counsulurs there. She knows a bit about my past, but i havent said much.. i’m scared their all gonna abandon me still. My trust, its so hard to earn.. […]
Boot777 asked me what my main problems are that cause my suicidal thoughts. I decided to make a post of it, so here it is. Well, there isn’t really one problem you can point at that causes the suicidal thoughts. Actually, there are a lot of things that cause them. I am not telling you all of them, because probably I’ll forget one or two and that’s going to be bored, so I’m going to tell the important one’s (I guess). I’ve been bullied from my fourth untill now. The worst part was at age of 11, 12 I guess. I was at elemntary school […]
I’m desperate. I don’t want to anymore. Please, God, I’m begging you, make sure I will die accidently. Let there be a strong wind, when I’m standing at the platform waiting for my train, so I’ll fall off the platform onto the rails and the train will drive over me and I’ll be dead. Or let my bus get a serious accident I won’t survive. Do something, God, I’m begging you. Kill me, it’s the only way to save me from myself. Please, God, make sure I’ll die…
~ What if there’s only one way out?
One way to feel better,
one way to love myself.
Instability is the only stable thing in me
Balance is challenging to me
Maybe I need something like peace
Hello serenity how have you been? It’s been quite a while since my needs were meant, in this parasitical relationship, your lack is hurting me
Hello algidity, you’re stuck in my bones. It’s been such a long time since I remember being warm, in this frigid cowardice, I’m not any closer to free
I’m not being heard and I wonder why, “Why am I”
“Why am I here because I’m not changing much”
The things I say the words I speak
I have to ask “Would I even […]
i m 22 years old and i m the biggest loser in the world. I have failed in each and every field of life, studies, sports, socialising, relationships, etc. i love a girl very much. but she has no feelings for me and she keeps on saying, “i dont love u, but i want u just as a friend”. these words tears my heart apart. i even stopped contacting her. but she contacts me once in a week and repeats the same lines. i just cant take it any more. but i cant even b rude to her.
i suck in sports. whenever i play i […]
I’m here but, not all the way. I feel as if I am dying alive. Thye world is picking at my wounds. My cuts are being doused with ALCOHOL! I no longer feel as if, I am a human. I am hurting inside more than words will allow me to explain. I mutiliated my body again, I slash for each person who has hurt me. I Cant deal with this horrible pain. Shattered glass stabs me from within, I bleed an invisible blood. I drip sorrow from my eyes. Where has all of this anger come from, why are my dreams terrorizing my reality? Why […]
life has always been cruel, takes everything that makes any good away from me. never had nothing, until i meet her. then just as fast as closing my eyes things had sense. but the way the world is, tries as much as he can to get me away from happiness. did everything it could, our love has always been so strong, but i still afraid of losing  her. lose the only thing that putted me back dreaming again. my luck has never been good, every possible misunderstood that happens can be solved, but not all them.if luck is not with you, one message on the […]
I lie awake at night and i think back when i saw razor blades and i was tempted to buy one. But i decided not too. I look back and think to myself “Why did not I buy it? Why did i stop myself” And i thought to myself there are no heroes, no one will save you from your depressing life. You have to be your own hero and save yourself. Because no one else will, and no one else will try, and as i lay here in bed i think to myself ” I am my own hero and I will save myself”
Today.
21 january.
One year.
One year of self-harm.
One year of cuts.
21 january.
21 january 2012.
The day.
The day I started cutting.
Cutting on my hands.
Cutting on my feet.
Cutting on my hips.
Cutting on my belly.
Cutting on my lower arms.
Cutting on my wrists.
Cutting on my chest.
I can remember that day as yesterday. Saturday 21 january 2012. I grabbed a scissors and started to scrape and scrape on my hand until there was a little scar with a very little bit of blood. I did it, couldn’t go back. Well, it doesn’t matter, right? It was just […]
In the last few months I have started getting better. I no longer fantasize about dying every moment of the day, I no longer consider jumping in front of a train whenever I am at a station, or of jumping off a multi storey car park, I no longer hope there’s a car crash that kills only me whenever I get in a car, and I no longer think about how many pills it would take, or how deep I’d have to cut. I don’t plan what I’d write in a suicide note, or think about how much happier everyone would be if I wasn’t […]
The Butterfly Project, for everyone who self-harm or who cares about self-harmers <3
A while ago I read something about The Butterfly Project. It’s a project to help self-harmers to stop with self-harm. I wanted to share this with the people here, so I decided to make a post with the rules and how to. I am also a cutter for exactly one year now. I really want to join this project one day, but I feel I’m not ready for it yet.
The Butterfly Project
The Rules:
1. When you feel like you want to cut, take a marker, pen, or sharpies and draw a butterfly on the place you want to cut.
2. Name the butterfly after […]
i really love her.i don’t know what i should do.she has left me and it has been few days since days.i tried a lot to hate her.but i am not able to do that.oh jesus please i can wait for her my whole life but please tell her to come back to me….i love her.i love you and i really do.
i can’t even talk with her because i know what she is going to tell me.she is just going to tell me that she doesn’t have feelings for me and that is really going to hurt me badly.that is why i have just cut all […]
And into the world stared these gleaming blue eyes
Which she saw past its dimension and only despised
This beauty she portrayed everyone had seen
But disguised sadness she made it serene
The greatest flaw that had filled her heart
Perfection only the beginning, just the start
With blonde stringy hair she curled her hand into a fist
Glass mirror she had feared, now stareing at her wrist
The pale white skin was now deep within her reflection
An enemy she had seen, with this girl had no connection
Tears streamed down and began to hit the sink
Matched the blood that seeped now combining to pink
Cutting she thought was her only escape
From the horrid memory of her Elusive rape
The outer […]
You forced yourself on me, along with your touch.
I pleaded for you to stop, but you still wouldn’t get off.
I closed my eyes tightly, wishing I were somewhere else.
Wishing someone had been here to help.
But I was on my own, with you as company.
You were supposed to have been taking care of me.
I guess in your own way, you did…
As a child, I figured IÂ must’ve done something wrong to deserve this.
I must have misbehaved.
To have been punished this way.
Since then, time has passed
But I can still feel your cold lips,
And the rough touch of your hands
Why did you do this to me?
I wanted to […]
There was a chill in the wind that night, one like no other.
The darkness made it hard for sight, but I knew it was my  brother.
The strength of his grip, the frame of his stature;
As he grabbed my hips, before IÂ knew it I was captured.
My throat went dry, I couldn’t scream.
I tried and tried, but the harder it seemed.
Next thing I knew, an unfamiliar place; unsure of what to do, clothes were disappearing at fast pace.
My face turned white, I couldn’t shift.
Frozen in fright, thinking did IÂ deserve this?
Down my cheek, the first tear rolls.
As he proceeds, my mouth he holds.
“Our little secret” he whispered […]
Closed are my tired eyes
Gracefully the tears fall
As i begin to lose it all
I take a shot of whiskey
As my head begins to race
The cigarette is still burning
The sweet smoke is all I can taste
My body is going numb
No longer can i feel my toes
All i can see our my tears
As they fall onto my breast
There are scratches and dried blood
Pretty purpled bruises decorate my chest
Lipstick smeared and hair full of knots
I shove more pills in my mouth
Chasing it with three more shots
My body is beyond broken my mind completely lost
A lesson with […]
when you are REALLY tired, you always want the easy way out, its like listening to a scratched record over and over again when someone who thinks they know really doesnt know, and they try to preach to you. i remembered my mentally handicapped brother god rest his soul being tied to a radiator in the bathroom with a belt while my 22 yr old mother ran the street and left us, i remember being locked in a room for days with a skeleton key without food or water and being BEAT for sneaking out trying to find something to eat. i remember there being nothing in […]
My name is Kyla. I am 15 years old. I think I will start this with a timeline.
June 11, 1997- Born
I was born in Calgary, Alberta. That’s in Canada for those of you who don’t know.
The first two years of my life were spent in my grandfathers house, located in a quiet and respectable community, as my parents were poor and couldn’t support themselves.
I was raised in a neighborhood that was known for its criminals. We lived in a run down townhouse. Â Our neighbors were drug addicts and whores. We even lived next to a crackhouse.
Police sirens were always wailing in the background, and it […]
Today sucks, I didn’t want to do anything. I hated to be at therapy today. But when one of the therapists got me out of the group, I knew my mood would get worse because of the talk. My mom had called to therapy because she was worried about me. I told her yesterday that I didn’t want to live anymore. So one of the therapists wanted to talk to me about that. I really got angry when she wanted me to say: “I want to die.” She knew that I wanted to die, because my mom told that to her. She had also said […]