I’m scared, I’m scared of a lot of things but non less then love. I’m so scared to fall in love that it gives me anxiety. I shake and tremble. The last time I fell in love was with this amazing guy. I let my guard down and he took advantage of it. Took my heart told me that he would love me forever and that we wouldn’t hurt me. Stupid for me to believe him. He still crosses my mind. I’m with this girl who I’m falling for. It’s to the point where I want to cry but I can’t because I’m so numb […]
And again it dawned upon my mind ( aka I had the epiphany that) I just lost my job because if my mental illness. And I sucked long before I was gone. I am now literally and legally crazy. Who will want to hire me? Who will want to date me? I wonder this and so much more. Will I ever study what I want to learn? Will I be good at it or will I have to give it up for something easier? Something different, something more at my “capabilities”. All I want in this world is to be a geneticist. Why must I […]
All day today, I feel amiss. I want to cry, but I cannot shed any tears.
I feel like I’m drowning, but I’m still breathing.
I want to reach out but I feel like a burden so I suffer in silence, while pretending everything is okay.
Only when I’m finally by myself, confined to my room, do the tears fall onto the keyboard.
It sucks being overwhelmed, upset and a multitude of other feelings. I’m beginning to become annoyed too, because I’m aware of how I feel, and I shouldn’t be stuck, feeling alone and being so, so sad. I know the world is beautiful.
I did my weekly call today. Still no response. I left a voice message. Didn’t really know what to say except that I just wanted to check on her and that I wish we could talk. It’s starting to wear me down. At this point I’m just expecting to be disappointed. Whenever I get the urge to call I just tell myself “Just wait a little longer. You can be disappointed tomorrow.” I know that she won’t respond to texts. I know that if it rings more than once she won’t pick up. I’m just […]
Not suicide related
I don’t think the past abuse will ever really escape me. I can’t magically erase years upon years of psychological abuse from my mind. I’m always going to have those memories. Apart from that, I’m just a sad excuse for a human being all around. I don’t really care about anyone (I admit it, some can’t :P). I don’t even seem to care about making sure my ex gets enough sleep, or goes to sleep at the right time. I told him that I’ll actually help this time. Meh. I’m just going to feel like a parent now :/
My own sleeping is all […]
This is an attempt to recover from whatever agony or ongoing mental illnesses are plaguing my mind and possibly my brain. I have suffered from depression ever since a teenager. I find bravery in telling my stories or my life experience. I probably could listen to hours of people life’s stories or perspectives on life since no sees through the same window pane. And more importantly, your values. What creates meaning to your life and what makes you feel as you have a purpose, or whatever is making you cling onto your life preventing suicide, which can easily can be our primal instincts of survival. […]
maybe im just having a bad day. sometimes i hate myself for no reason. well there is a reason. but idk what it is. maybe its just a bunch of reasons all jumbled together. i confuse myself with my thoughts. i can write a whole essay about how sad i am and how i want to die but then five minutes later i could read it again and be like ‘lol i dont feel that way at all’ and be in an amazing mood. ill probably do that after i write this too. idk its just weird. i think most of this is just that […]
My Parents got divorced about 10 years ago, i was 12 years old back then. It kind of took away all the happiness i had in my life. My parents still cared about me but our emotional connection felt like it got completely cut of. From then on i felt seriously alone in this world and didn’t hug any human being for at least 4 years, because no one was around to give me that kind of attention, and i still don’t really know anyone i could hug now. Right now, same as a lot of us, i’m in quarantine and feel worse than ever […]
3 years ago, when I was 16, I was searching for a way out. Anything that would distract me from the gritty, overbearing teenage angst and depression that was engulfing me. I found this site. I would spend hours scrolling through the posts of strangers going through identical things to myself. It was a safe space for me. Because I had no one. In a toxic household with a toxic family, I’d dropped out of the school I’d started the year at. I started online school. Things were easier but I got to spend a lot more time in my head and my room and […]
I don’t get it, why do I keep screwing up everything and everyone. I pissed off the last person who (maybe) gave a shit about me. I’ve known her since a long time. We remained close friends for most of that time. A couple months ago she asked me why can’t I be normal just like everyone else. Idk but this question made me think that she was just like everyone with whom I’ve ever shared my problems with or put my faith in. So I did what I do best… I pushed her away thinking that she was no longer able to deal with […]
i think he’s gone.
it’s been over a week since i’ve heard from him. he’s opened my messages and viewed my posts. but no word.
i knew it was coming, i guess. but i didn’t want to believe it. he told me he wanted me to meet his family when this was all over. he checked in on my self-harm progress. he let me think he cared.
i truly believe silence, when paired with a consciousness as warped as my own, is the cruelest thing in existence. it’s heartless, and brutal, and inescapable, until it is broken.
but silence without consciousness? that is a beautiful thing. that is peace. […]
How much longer until i wake up from this nightmare?
I’m completely alone, and I think I always will be, because I’m twisted and I’ve done unforgivable things. I’m not just isolated physically but morally, socially, emotionally. I’m cut off from humanity.
This leads to feelings of depression, despair, hopelessness. Because what’s the point, if you’re always going to be alone? What are you living for?
So I keep thinking I should kill myself. And yet I don’t. And I’m not sure that’s a good choice. It seems like things are pretty bad already, and could easily get much worse. Why face that? For what?
I think what I want is resolution, one way or the other, so […]
back of the note I wrote my gf tonight. This clown’s tired of the quarantine lol
Today was more depression than anxiety, I find depression atleast tolerable in an hour to hour sense. I find depression robs you of your life, motivation, joy and dulls everything. But with depression I havw thoughts that I can survive another couple of years. I find anxiety makes me want to kill myself way sooner rather than later. It brings the thoughts of surviving a couple years to just surviving a few more weeks. Whats your guys expeirence with the two, do you always have both?
I had my first therapy session with my new counselor yesterday. I want to say she is the fifth one I’ve ever had. It’s hard to keep track. Anyways it was a pretty standard first session. Asked me basic demographic info, family history, social history, relationship history, what is my medication, what I have been diagnosed with etc. Overall standard procedure. The latter half was bit more interesting though. My main reason for trying therapy again is that I recently learned that I have a fear of failure. It was a somewhat odd observation, seeing as how […]
I feel bad for people when I see them smiling wide and pretending to be happy. ‘Cause no one is happy on this planet… Not a single living being. Happiness is an illusion. And the people who recognize that happiness is an illusion, end up killing themselves because no one wants to live after knowing that their goal was just an illusion… By goal I mean, as kids we’re told by our parents that happiness is the best thing to achieve, neither money nor love… Cause when we’re happy blah blah blah… So stop being happy. I don’t want to see your teeth no matter […]
Another dream of the apocalypse
Are there any guys on here who’ve decided they’re done with women altogether?
So the topic of todays post.
How do you feel about where you currently are in life? And im not looking for a simple you hate it. Why do you hate it? What about it do you hate? Have you gotten use to it?
Personally, im a little bit of both. In some moments thats my life and whatever. In other moments i hate it. I hate always changing my mind. Not being able to stick with anything. I hate how it feels like i lack control over most if not all things. Do i want to hit my head off the wall? No, but […]