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Its Always There.

  December 20th, 2010 by apayne

I have been wishing this life would end since I was very young…12. I was convinced I would be dead by 30, but 30 came and went and I’m still here.
For the last 8 years, my thoughts of suicide have been infrequent and I thought maybe I had grown out of it. I was fooling myself, its always there, like a shadow in the back of my mind.I wouldn’t say I was depressed, I’ve just always felt tired of living and tired of praying not to wake up.
Taking one’s own life is called the cowards way out, but I believe ending one’s life is one …

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i am sorry love

  December 19th, 2010 by meyoh

but i’m going to have to give this up. i know i have been saying that a lot. but i’m going to see you in a couple of days. so really. really.. my heart is heavy saying this to you and i’m so so feeling so so heavy at the moment. i’ve been too empty for too long that eventually. eventually. it hurts. again.

love. i love you so please, don’t do anything silly if i’m suddenly not there. you know how incredibly unstable i am and have been. you know right ?

one way at a time, i’ll try to lend these broken hands of mine..
i’ve …

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I am 18 years old, I know I know another stupid teen who wants to die, but I found this website and hmm why not? I was born in France and so were my parents, when I was 1 we moved to South America and then When I was 3 years old my father left me and my mom and took all our money, my mom sold all her jewlery and got a job cleaning places, and at the age of 6 we moved here to USA, I lived there for 4 years and then moved to Europe and there we moved again and again from Spain to France to Scotland, always leaving my friends behind, and now we moved back to USA. In all of this I been having suicidal thoughts since I was 12, I have something telling me at nights that I’m worthless and that I should die, I hanged myself, but eventually somehow I got a hold of a cabinet next to me, and managed to cut the rope, I keep trying and trying, I really want to live, not for me but for my mom, she raised me and I love her, I don’t want her walking into my corpse someday, I really don’t have anything to live for, but I want her to be happy, all I need is a way to keep myself alive until she dies, then I will kill myself with no trouble at all I don’t care if it hurts like hell I can’t take it I hear voices telling me to hang myself, to take pills, over and over again, like 4 times a day, I don’t have friends because of the voices, it’s probably me saying all this but I can’t make myself stop from hearing the voices, everyday they make me cry, why do I have this? It’s like they take control of my body and make me pull my hair until I start bleeding, I don’t believe in religion, but is there a cure for this devil in me? I don’t know how else to describe it, it happens when I’m alone. I know you all don’t care, but the other day I almost jumped off this building, I didn’t stand on the edge because I don’t want attention, but I pass trough there everyday and one day I think I will do it.

  December 19th, 2010 by johndupont

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2

Feeling numb.

  December 19th, 2010 by lostandconfused

I am 19 years old.

I have lived through domestic violence for most of my childhood until we came to a different country and my mother had the courage to leave my father. I’ve watched her get beaten almost everyday infront of my eyes while she was trying to protect me and my sister. I had been pretty clueless the whole time, being young and having to grow up with it. However, when they divorced I supported my mother all the way.

I thought everything would be great afterwards but I was mistaken. We had to move to a low-income family housing since we did not have …

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Quality of life.

  December 19th, 2010 by person number 124

I am sure others have said it, or have asked or posted or what have you, but i am new and thinking. If life inst going to get better, not because you haven’t tried, but because it just isn’t. Is that enough of a reason? I try and find those moments of happiness but they all tend to be hollow in the end.

I guess things could get better, there is a small chance of it, but an even bigger chance they will either stay the same or get worse. I don’t understand why i, or any one should hold out for that one small chance …

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Random thoughts

  December 19th, 2010 by grabbitwithbothhands

I woke up this morning with a depressive feeling all too familiar to me. Thoughts that accompany this feeling are something along the lines of ‘I’m not good enough…I don’t fit in…life is finite and death can’t be avoided’. These thoughts and feelings have been with me since I was a teenager and years of therapy haven’t made them go away, although it has helped talking about them to someone. I have now trained myself as a psychotherapist and have come into contact with many people who speak of suicidal thoughts (it really is far more common than I could have imagined).  Often it is linked to wanting …

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Am I selfish?

  December 19th, 2010 by sakura_haruko

I hate this so much. I’m starting to feel paranoid again.

I’m really fucking tired of you following me. And I’m really fucking tired of you saying that you know me.

If I have to chew you out when I see you next time, believe me, I will NOT hesitate to do so.

Disregarding that, I feel really selfish. I don’t know. I feel like I’m getting more and more distant from people in general. It’s not like I’m wanting to, it’s just that I feel secluded even when I’m in a group of people. It’s almost like I just don’t belong there or that if I just …

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No one tells you

  December 19th, 2010 by waitingandquestioning

You are told your entire life, all the research says “don’t go running after him, leave him alone, don’t talk to him..he will come back”…but he doesn’t. He stays gone. while you are left wondering if you should have chased him.
You’re told to not be the crazy ex, not to bash him, or spread your business to everyone…everyone forgets, they love him and support all of his new relationships…you’re left wondering if you did the right thing.
You’re encouraged “don’t worry, you will find someone new! He’s out there. You will forget all about that loser!”… he’s dated other girls and is now with a girl …

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i think i will put the knife down

  December 19th, 2010 by zdeathchanz

i still hate life. i still hate myself. i still hate doctors. i still cry sponataneously. i still get angry randomly. i still hear the voices. i still will never let anyone touch me (i doubt i ever will). i still feel worthless. i still am very sick and losing more weight right now. i still have difficulty waking up. i still hate the world. i still want to beat the shit out of myself sometimes.

but i dont want to die.

granted, i am still an ungrateful peice of shit who should throw herself off a bridge or better yet listen to the Dark Man. …

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Not sure where I’m going …

  December 18th, 2010 by scottish_boy

Hi

I came across this site purely by accident, and I guess I’m typing to get my thoughts out of my head and ‘onto paper’.

I’m 39 tomorrow and feeling like “what have I done with my life?” but more of “what do I want to do with my life?”

My parents had still born twins in the January before I was born, so I have always thought my purpose was to be the male twin’s new body on earth since he didn’t get a chance to experience anything. I still think this but there must be something more to my existence.

I used to have ambitions of having …

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  December 18th, 2010 by Something.

And I was wondering… where’s S and Tom Davis?
I liked their posts.

(Sorry if this is kind of… “off topic”.)

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And then…?

  December 18th, 2010 by annushka

I am 22. I don’t know how I am still alive. My life has been… fraught … I was molested by a priest at 5, then by my mother (who was a histrionic narcissist) from around 7 to 14. I was raped at 16. Kicked out of home at 15. My mother died after having cancer for 7 years 6 years ago, at Christmas. I was bulimic and cut myself as a teenager for years. I have been in therapy, hospitalized and medicated. My parents moved countries before my mother died, leaving me to fend for myself since 16. I have had 3 serious suicide …

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First Attempt Failed: My Feelings Afterwards

  December 18th, 2010 by DanielJackson

Well, I finally decided against tolerating my lifelong depression and anxiety any further.  A lifetime of social rejections and being an outcast is just too much to bear as someone who just wanted a normal life.  I decided to depart using the Helium method.  I feel I’m too much of a ***** to depart using any other method because of the potential lifelong disabilities one could suffer from failure.  I got a huge tank of helium, as well as an oxygen mask.  The first two times I tried doing this, I chickened out, as was to be expected.  I don’t want to die, but I …

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3 Failed Suicide attempts.

  December 18th, 2010 by thatambergirl

This is going to be pretty long but please read.

To give you a little background, Im in my early 20’s. ive never done drugs or had any alcohol. ( I have family members who have been addicted to drugs and alcohol and I didnt want to end up like them) In March 2010, I was hospitalized due to being in horrible unbearable pain. I was put in the Progressive Care unit and had a Picc line inserted. No Dr was sure what was wrong with me. The finally decided it was my pancreas. This scared me to death because Pancreatic Cancer runs in my family. …

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Found it

  December 18th, 2010 by Kim

I finally found a recipe for how to kill myself. I did a Google search for [what I had on hand] + suicide. Found an article about a doctor who killed himself using that method. Googled that doctor’s name and found the exact proportions of what he did.

Now to figure out what to do with it. My husband is much like a child, so I’m not sure I can handle the guilt of “orphaning” him (his parents won’t take him back in I’m sure). But I lose my job on 12/31, so if I do kill myself I want it to be in my …

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catatonic state

  December 18th, 2010 by marlajade

NORTH. [god is a corpse you can talk to with roses]. I hate it [youre there arent you]. I wake up each day in tears[sometimes bleeding]. I always have. Instead of eating i cut. I am the poster girl for cocaine abuse. Maybe Im already dead. I feel like it. I cant honestly be here. Can i. It hurts so much. dont believe in depression[or a god or deity]. dont want to. didnt feel like it so I never [fucking] tried. [girl] didnt eat cause girl was afraid. Never liked music cause music is false. wanted to die since thirteen. didnt throw up Im always …

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Of dilated pupils.

  December 18th, 2010 by marlajade

the punch is shit. I dont wanna be at this party any more. I want my old friends [these boys and girls are slaves][ifeel like throwing up]. I want to collapse and wake up in hospital. At least one of these people will drive me there, right. If i die in public, its murder. The police will say it was drug related, and place blame. That I was a normal happy party girl, sucking cock on MDMA. [which was my fairly broken way of showing affection]. I like it when my pupils dilate. at four in the morning . The nurse shines a light in …

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I’m just weary, so weary, from life

  December 17th, 2010 by lost_va

Well, guess I’m back.  I posed here back in May, and I guess I’m posting again.  I’m not really sure why I’m here or posting. I guess I’m thinking about much of the same things a lot of others are.

As for me, well, I’m just weak and weary from life. It’s just that simple. I’ve been depressed so long I don’t know what it’s like to not be depressed. 

I’m really at the point where I think killing myself is more like euthenasia. Rational suicide perhaps…

I’m an older guy, mid 40’s. Nothing’s really worked out all that well for me, despite my efforts. Not married, no …

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i am black silk sticky taste

  December 17th, 2010 by marlajade

Yeh pretty much the whole world has fucked up since you left.

My own mother hates me[find me].

I am black silk cigarette smoke. tarnished sticky suicide addict. I refuse to move. I cant breath. I cant understand these people. and lets face it why would I. I havent washed in ten days. My hair is greasy. I’m unemployed. I cut it off some weeks ago, so its not like, getting in my tired face or anything. I sleep all day.  [pretend to be dead girl cause the woman inside is dying to leave]. In New York the temperature is three degrees below zero. Maybe i tried …

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Just had enough…

  December 17th, 2010 by Nicola305

I’m not even sure why I’m bothering to post this, because my problems are probably nothing compared to other people’s.

I wouldn’t say I’ve had a bad life. Things were okay at home…Sure, my parents annoyed me sometimes, but that’s normal, and I did always feel like my brother was the favourite sibling, but I could deal with that. Things were okay at school too. I got straight As, and although I was shy and didn’t have that many friends, the ones I had were enough for me.

I don’t know when things started to change…I slipped into depression gradually, and it took me a while to notice just …

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