beaten and brused you left her to lay
always she got back up with a smile
a smile she used for so many things
to hide everything and protect you
to show everyone everything was “great”
to make them think she was happy
she hid all those scars, brusies and tears
but now
those tears are slowly starin to fall
that smile is fading
all those things you told her are replaying in her head
so many problems you caused her
trust, love, happiness all things you ripped from her
once a happy happy girl now a sad misrable thing
you ripped her to pieces […]
Was looking through some old stuff and found my old diary. Here’s some of my WAY old stuff, I guess I’ve always been depressing. Don’t read these if you want to read good poetry, I was very young when these were written. Here goes:
I’m that sock.
The one you left
In your locker
In your closet
On your floor
Without a pair.
Eventually, you forgot about me.
I’m that song.
The one you listened to
Everyday
You knew all the lyrics
You always sang along
Then came a new song
And you forgot about me.
I’m that book
You read every night
When you were a child
You knew all the words
Then you grew up
And you forgot about me.
This second one is […]
This is dedicated to all of you lovely people out there, Brandon especially (I’m keeping with our deal ;] Tell me if I did well later ). This always makes me smile, I hope it makes you smile too. Don’t read into it too much. Just watch it, for the love of Mika! And for the love of watching a strange man dance in underpants? xD
Sorry, there’s probably a way to actually put the video up, but I fail at technology…so…deal with it.
I’m almost 30 and living with my parents because I’m on disability
and don’t have the money to live on my own. I always wanted thought I’d be married with children and at least mildly successful.
Instead, I’m on a million different rotating medications to deal with
my post thyroidectomy complications, the side effects of the complications, the side effects of the side effects….I love my boyfriend, but I know he will never want the things in life I do..and I
can’t bring myself to tell him I had a chemical pregnancy after a birth control mishap when I had ovarian surgery.
I’m always sick […]
Today just keeps getting harder; not from without, just in my heart and mind.
Thanks to those who keep up the fight; and to those who can’t, I understand!
South Africa’s freezing. I just arrived here.
when we loose all sense of self what happens to us? when we lie there and let whatever happen to you happen, what does it mean. why dont we care. what it is in us, which mechanism is it, which switch has been switched off, which candle has been burnt out, what is it that we lost. what is it as we grow older that we loose. innocence? hope? belief? I dont even know how my mind is clear enough to write this, to question questions. I dont kow how. My Medicine dosage has been upp’d. I am now on […]
Today I came clean to one of my counselors. I told her that the suicidal thoughts are back, and I got to spend three periods in the sick bay listening to my music and the other three doing class. I didn’t let her call home. I can’t go through that again.
Turns out one of my best friends bitches about me behind my back, great… she probably only speaks to me for gossip anyway. I’m feeling like everyone is sick of hearing from me, sick of trying to solve my life. I’m feeling like everyone would be better off without me. Because they would be.
Yesterday morning I started to test my suicide project and after a few minutes I started to feel light-headed and dizzy I also felt a bit nauseated but I got out before I pass-out. Now I know that if I stayed longer it could’ve worked and I wouldn’t be here.
So that night I drank half the bottle of rhum and my body went numb, I also had no inhibitions of my feelings…. I took a warm shower while I was high. I was crying really hard and loud, my parents are not home so this I thought is the perfect timing. I was so high that […]
So here I am, less than ten minutes to go to school and everything just seems too much to handle any longer. My plan today, go to school get treated like I don’t exist come home get on computer and listen to music. What the fuck is wrong with my life, I do the same damn thing all the time. I haven’t done ANYTHING that is fun, I don’t go to events, social gatherings, or parties. Im desperate for love, I really am. I’m a fucking idiot teenager with no and no hope of ever having a Life. But then do I really care, does […]
I sit here on my ps3 wondering what to do…
I have finals this week and I know for certain I will fail 4/6 of the finals. I left my backpack at my dads house and in the morning I go to school, yet I am awake at 12:21 AM. I don’t really care, I feel tired and bored but I don’t want to sleep. I keep thinking I want to suffer for all the mistakes I made, even though I purposely made them because I don’t take the right chances/choices. I’m going to choke out now, I hope I die from brain damage soon […]
It’s not ok for you to see the cracks in me
I have come curiously close to the end, down
Beneath my self-indulgent pitiful hole,
Defeated, I concede and Move closer
I may find comfort here
I may find peace within the emptiness
How pitiful
It’s calling me…
And in my darkest moment, fetal and weeping
The moon tells me a secret – my confidant
As full and bright as I am
This light is not my own and
A million light reflections pass over me
Its source is bright and endless
She resuscitates the hopeless
Without her, we are lifeless satellites drifting
And as I pull my head out I am without one doubt
Don’t wanna be down […]
I worried that he would use work as a loop hole to get out of talking to me.. and i am worried that I was right.
I thought everything would be over back in October. Yet I couldn’t go through with it because I thought that maybe despite his actions he cared.
I have given everything to him…heart body and soul. I would do ANYTHING for him.
Last month however, we were both at a lunch with mutual friends…he couldn’t even say anything to me. I have helped him with his work, I have done everything I can think of to make his life better…but […]
I haven’t updated in a while because things were getting better, but recently I have been having some real issues again. I tried for the last while to keep looking forward and keep going but now even the kindest acts have turned into hurtful things. My good intentions hurt people and when I keep to myself I am constantly pestered by my friends for being antisocial. My parents make me feel like crap constantly like I am not good enough, they are completely against everything i believe in and it bugs me. I really don’t know what to do at this point, I sort of […]
the sound of silence is more like a ringing noise to me. shit wont get out of my head. iv been running blind with my hands tied my back hoping to fall into a molten crack in the surface of the earth so my body cann be set on fire. this is what i truely desire…i see you from across the room with a guy that looks just like i do cause iv been replaced by a new nameless face that looks just like the one youve been dying to erase. why is this stuck in my fucking head. i wish i were asexual. maybe […]
It’s funny, I guess it isn’t really “funny” per se-but I’ve contemplated suicide since I was old enough to realize that you just keep having to go on and be miserable IF you don’t stop it yourself. Another “funny” thing-I would never have done it, because I didn’t want to hurt my mom. And now-I’m married! And now-I don’t want to hurt my husband. How does one find enough justification to do this when it will hurt the ones they love? It’s the only thing I can think of to stop my pain. But I feel so very selfish.
So I’ve finally registered for this site, even though I’ve been checking this site out for some time…like a year :p.
So another crappy weekend. Memorial weekend and everyone is out having fun. Well, BAH to that! Why does my life suck? Well, a multitude of reasons, but I’ll just mention 1 for right now. It’s cuz I’m always alone!! No one likes me. I don’t understand why I have such a hard time making friends with people. Why do people not like me?? I’m a nice person so I just don’t see why it’s soooo hard to make friends.
*sigh*
…forever alone…
Today was pretty much happy, but for some reason I’m unable to stay that because I start thinking and it’s all negative thoughts and I wish I could make them cease but I’m just unable to so. I feel ugly even though my best friend says I’m not. I feel everyone just hates me when I know they don’t. I feel self conscious about every tiny aspect about me from my hair to the way I walk to my weight to the shape of my face. Sorry this is just random ranting, but I’ve never dated before and ive asked and been turned away, I […]
He’s gone he’s gone he’s gone
it hurts alot to know
he left and not say goodbye
i cry myself to sleep at night
i keep getting sympathy
but now its over
nothing left but memories
its so hard to feel the struggling
oh gosh im now depressed
i feel my heart fall
i feel the tears fall
i see him up above
now he’s in a better place
i hope he’s happy now
he got what he has now
i can feel the pain
as i keep thinking and thinking about you
i loved you like the best friend should
i will always be […]
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The Whisper
==================
Today is as dark and forboding as my mood,
segmented by each labored staccato breath,
elongated shadows caress the faceless hood
of the relentless messenger of death.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Motionless, patiently standing there,
wispering “You’ve got no place to hide”.
Waiting, waiting for me to pay my fare,
for my journey to the other side.
===============================
A Rainy Day
===============================
The rain falls like molten drops of lead,
an endless oppressive silence in my head,
there is nothing anyone has said,
that eases my feeling of painful dread.
– – – – – – – – – – – – –
A cold opaque grayness permeates […]