I have made arrangements and am going to kill myself on May 27…just need to wait 10 more days, I would get my peace. I feel like I really don’t have much to say to my family, so I will just leave a note saying “I am sorry. It’s not your fault.”
Do you hear me?
I’m screaming in pain
Do you hear me?
My heart broke again
Do you hear me?
I can’t take this for much longer
Do you hear me?
I must be a ghost to you
Do you hear me?
Nobody wants to help me anymore- or hear me either
Do you hear me?
I can’t do anything right
Do you hear me?
I must be worthless to others
Do you hear me?
Do you care about me?
Do you hear me?
I”m so tired of it all
Do you hear me?
I’m ready to fall over and die
Do you hear me?
Just… kill me
I guess you don’t hear me…
Yeah, I’m fakin’ it.
I’m smiling and laughing on the outside
But screaming and crying on the inside
I smile gently
but do everything wrong
I’m tired of replaying this sad song
There’s laughter on the outside
But pain on the inside
My pain almost consuming me
I don’t know how much longer I can last
cuz I’m fakin’ it
Don’t know how much more I can stand
I’m just fakin’ it
I don’t know if I can smile anymore
I’m so tired of fakin’ it
Help me with this terrible burden
Sorrowful and painful
I’m cold…
I can’t breathe…
Something is choking me!!
I can’t fake it for much longer
Can’t fake the smile that I have
The laughter that I share
All I will have left […]
its funny how things dont work out.
how you think you’ve got one of those people
the ones that stay in your life forever
the important ones…
then they leave.
its funny how you think things will be the same
even though there not there with you.
but there not.
even though you cant laugh together
you think you can still share everything with this person
but you cant.
you loose trust.
humour becomes mocking.
and someone cracks.
and so the friendship dies.
and slowly but surely that longing and missing
and open admitting
turns to resentful hate.
jealously.
and below the surface..
all you have is aching pain.
and tears that wont flow.
your not brave enough you to admit you were wrong
you want to say […]
I’m really all done with being a disappointment to everyone and an annoyance to most. Some cosmic force decided it would be hilarious to make people judge me unfairly. That’s okay up to a point I guess, but there is always a point where you can’t really handle it anymore. So here goes, random strangers, the thing’s I’ve wanted to say for ages, the feelings and the instances that changed everything. It’s not horribly sad, it’s not even terribly important. But I am what I am what I am and there’s really no helping it.
I have a pretty lengthy list of things I could be, […]
Is it so much to ask that I can just dream?
To sleep my life away
and never have to deal
with people always looking
always judging
To live inside myself where I’m not longer worried
about who I am
and who I’m meant to be.
To know its all okay
and I don’t have to fret.
to know it’s good enough to stay in my own head.
To know the scars will fade
and yet I’ll still be the same.
And know that generally speaking
life goes on.
Wanting to find a way
to someone just like me.
Wishing to tell the truth,
say […]
Listening to relaxing music isn’t relaxing me at all. Currently, I’m listeing to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSgPDKG6bB0 and this music really helps with the whole depression.
Currently not doing well in school. I anticipated a higher grades, but when it comes to exam and quizzes, I’m proven otherwise. Seeing how things are currently, I cannot comment on it at all. Just wish I could close my eyes and never be able to open them up again.
im beginning to see the world diffrently now
what is life?
what is DEATH?
where do u go when u die?
should i doubt the LORDS POWER?
should i die?
help encourage me.
i cant seem to get it like everyone else!!!!
IM HUNGRY FOR BLOOD!!
I CANT SEEM TO BELIEVE
ALL I CAN DO IS PRAY
BUT WHY?WHY DO I WANT TO KILL?WHY?WHY?WHY?MY LIFE ISNT BAD ITS JUST CONTROLLED.SO WHY DO I WANT TO KILL THESE PEOPLE?WHY DO I WANT TO DIE?WHY NOT JUST DIE?WELL WHY NOT JUST LIVE?HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I know that a lot of people here are down… and I’m one of them. However, tonight, I just want to create a tiny moment of sunshine with some random quotes.
“Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, ‘where the heck is the ceiling?’”
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
“After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo ingles.” ”
“Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and […]
The only place
that allows me to be me.
The only place
that i am finally free.
To escape everyone
even if they walk in.
The doctors in coats
injecting their drugs.
Sadly enough
i couldnt ask for a hug.
All i wanted was to be loved
but insted only got a cry for help.
Being alone…
and tied in my thoughts.
I really don’t know
how to end this poem.
All i know is…
i’m in a padded room
tie in a straightjack
ready to crack.
One more before I try to self medicate the pain away. Thanks for the cyberspace.
=====================================
I know somewhere that’s as cold and lonely
and as empty as Outer Space.
It’s really not that very far,
yet rather hard to find.
Look very deep into my eyes
and see beyond my face,
no GPS nor any map will lead you there,
you might as well be blind.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
If you want I’ll show the way,
if you really dare,
it takes a while, so if we’re going,
we’d better get a start.
For sure this place is fragile tho’,
so I ask you please take […]
Before you read on, I want to ask that you guys please don’t lecture me or anything about drugs. Please understand I’m just venting. People who do drugs aren’t bad. People who dislike drugs, good for you. As for me though, I’m more anti-drug. Anti-pot. Anti-everything to do with that shit.
I admit I’ve tried some, but something about them.. I can’t stand them
I take pills sometimes cause they make me feel better.
For a little while, then it just gets worse.
I can’t take it when people around me do drugs. I’ve let up since my last major drug addict ex.
I […]
I feel like I”m constantly bothering you, and I’m sorry for that. I know that a lot of my lifestyle choices disappoint you. But you have to understand that it’s hard for me to get out of bed every morning. The only reason I do is because I have to… Because giving up would mean causing you pain, and I don’t want that.
I meant it when I said I love you the most. Because I really do.
Has anyone heard from Blackqwert? (I think that’s how you spell it), I haven’t seen him post on here in a LONG time and I’m on here religiously everyday checking up on certain people and seeing if they’re ok.
I keep holding back, I keep backing out, I keep turning back, I need to stop, I just need to decide, to be or not to be, that is the question.
I want to die so fucking badly…please, please, just make this stop.
I wish I would just DECIDE. If I just made a decision and STUCK TO IT I’d be so much better off. I hate everything, I hate everything.
I want this pain to disappear…
Mommy,
Why has he been in bed so long? Is he sleeping? What are those cuts on his arm from? When is he getting up? Why doesn’t he want to be out here with us? Why does he cry?
life is journey, you know not what to expect. Your cannot choose when or how you are born, you are just thrown in a big strange place, sometimes you can easily find happiness, other times you cannot. Crazy, isnt it. You just have to use the cards your dealt to get through it and find that obscure happiness. Thanx for reading ;] good day to you  and yes i kno it sucks.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
But I love you….
Stay with me.
Love me.
Just…. Don’t give up on me..
I hate myself
I hate Me.
I am starting ECT treatments this week, and will be housed in the “open ward” unit of a psyche center (as opposed to the lock down). Â Has anybody ever experienced staying in an open ward? Â What can I expect?
Laying down
Wishing to sleep forever
Not wanting to move, or
To be swept up by a savior
Wanting to be left alone
Bleeding it out.
Bleeding out the guilt.
The pain of living.
Taking me from everyone else.
Having them satisfied.
Me also being satisfied.
Its about time I get my happieness.
I can’t take it.