i really dont want to live. i dont want to be alive. to care for people or talk. i can barely even talk to myself. i dont want to be here. i’ve tried i stayed away and said i’ll work things out i’ll think more i’ll be more positive or i’ll just throw away all my thoughts and pretend life doesn’t bother me, but it didnt work. i’m here wanting to slit my throat. it’s harder each time. i want to end this.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I miss who I was before. I was kept so stupid I didn’t realize that I was stupid. Life was better when I wasn’t thinking so much like I am now. Thinking and thinking. I feel like I’m losing a fight with myself. Every fucking day it’s just the same shit. Why do I even try? I’m going to be poor no matter what.
I hate coming on here sometimes. Not because I regret talking to someone, anyone, about these things. Not because I don’t appreciate how many people came to me with sympathy. But because when I look back on all that I’ve written on here, I realize nothing has changed. I’m still here. I still want it all to stop. I’m still too scared to end it all. I’m still unsure if death is really what I want. And I’m still depressed.
Part of me wishes someone would just do it for me. Part of me wishes I’d just walk down the street and get blind-sighted by a […]
The future is uncertain. Tomorrow is uncertain. There’s no telling what will happen, and making a contingency plan is just too much work. I’ll improvise like a stupid juggler when the audience throws tomatoes at him. I know all the temps at work will be getting laid off soon. My car is a piece of junk, but at least I’ve managed to fix the most pressing issues with it now. And this kitten meows like a frog that got swallowed by a pelican.
So let’s just take this whole train and derail it with some randomness.
Come to me all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light
Matt 11: 28-30
I got into canada today, was asked questions and then sent to secondary and interrogated…………………………………..
just sharing my experience here.
The frustration and anger was building inside him. I could see it by his facial expressions and actions, yet he was holding back and not retaliating. Not yet, anyways. He was biding his time, determined to exact his revenge, and he was not the only one, there were more. Still, I continued to antagonize them with childish insults and ridiculous behavior, knowing deep down that I was digging my own grave. Still, deep down, the anger and sadness drove me on, looking for a victim, looking for an outlet.
I didn’t know him, but didn’t like the way he looked. So I treated him like garbage, […]
Certain states allow assisted suicide. But only for medical reasons…
What about a life of nothing but sadness?
One where I hid behind different masks,
to not be persecuted.
I made you laugh.
I made you cry.
I made you not depressed
by seeing mine.
But I could never make myself matter.
Who is more terminal?
Who suffers more?
Is it not an act of kindness to end any suffering?
Especially when so many counselors shrugged their shoulders
after crying about my tales of life
with nothing left to suggest.
Is not the therapist that says there is nothing left to do
the same as the doctor who has no […]
When I opened my eyes
I was surrounded by people that cared about me.
Guilt was all I felt.
“Why?” is all I heard.
But now I am prepared.
Having conquered loneliness
slowly I pushed the warmth and smiles away
and grew silent.
They left when
I no longer was fun.
Intended reaction achieved.
Now when my pain ends soon
no one else’s will begin.
It is the only gift I have left to give.
Hello again. To whomever is reading this, I geniunely hope things are at the very least, stable for you. Unsure as to why I’m unable to sleep but here I am. It’s been a while again. Things once again feel different here.
I’m not too sure why I feel as detached as I do currently. I feel so far away from all the goings on in general, it’s a bit unsettling. All the changes and updates and everything, I feel so old compared to the young teen fresh out of school headed to college. It’s odd that I manage to keep finding my way back here. […]
1 Corinthians 13:1-10,13 NKJV
“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not love, I am become as a sounding brass or a tingling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge; and though I have all faith that I can remove mountains but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestowed all my goods to feed the poor and give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
Love suffers long and is kind,
Love does not envy,
Love does not boast of itself; […]
Yesterday i tried kill myself. i took a bunch of sleeping pills and went to sleep. the only hope i had was never wake up again.
Unfortunately, this morning i woke up with my dad bashing the door saying as late for work. when i up the door, even if i was a little groggy i saw that my daddy was really desperated and had started to cry.
I feel sad about him, he is a really good father and tries his best, but i wont wont be able to continue.
next time i try i know that the pills aren’t enough, ill ill to cut my wrists […]
Saturday evening I politely declined job suggestions and clearly stated that I didn’t ask for advice. The other person takes it as a slap to the face and gets hysterical. This happened over email, so I imagined him as a spoiled brat kicking and screaming for not getting his way.
strangled myself w cable uwu, felt like my head was going to burst but after a good 30 seconds or so i’m fully calm and ready to go kick ass
I am extremely neurotic, but I think that I hide it decently enough. I feel as if just enough of my fucked up internal life seeps through to the exterior of my persona for people to flag me as being off. Body language is always a tell. When people are in a situation with someone that they don’t like or don’t feel comfortable with, they will unconsciously touch their face, squint their eyes, or cross their arms. These subtle cues get directed at me constantly, even when the person hardly knows me. Like I said before though, it is probably the internal rot coming from […]
I remember at 6 sitting on the cold marble stairs of our house in Rio praying and that prayer was to die. Until then my life was one of violence against me. My father did what his father did.
My mother who also beat me also badgered my father to do things with me. So he would take me for walks to cut the bamboo he would beat me with that week. My mother got me a dog, knowing how messed up I was becoming, and he kicked it to death for not walking properly. By six I prayed to die to the COAT (Creator Of […]
im just a bad person who shouldnt be allowed to keep on breathing.
i’m just wishing something catastrophic will happen and my torment ends.
Just anything to turn this shit off. I dont wanna do this anymore…..
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.