I need HELP.
This is how i’m feeling….
- My willingness to keep fighting this endless loop of misery, pain and fear has totally eroded away. I feel I offer nothing… well nothing positive, only failure. This torture I’ve existed with for the past 20 years is a sign that I’m not meant be here. I’m sure I’m being punished by a greater force for being a noncontributing, useless burden. The longer I stay, the longer I’ll suffer.
I’ve was diagnosed with major depressive disorder (MDD) over 14 years ago and have been on almost every antidepressants as well as lithium but none have worked for me. My psychiatrist has gradually increased my dose of venlafaxine to 225mg and has me on 2mg of risperidone. To make things worse I have retinitis pigmentosa and ankylosing spondylitis. I have regular talk therapy (CBT) with my psychologist but I feel as bad as I felt ten years ago. I’ve been hospitalized on four occasions in the past 11 years for failed suicide attempts (3 were cries for help) but this time I’m determined to go through with it if things don’t change. I don’t wanna’ die but I can’t go on with the pain for to much longer.
I’m posting this here in hope someone can give me a reason to keeping fighting and not kill my myself.
ps.. I have no friends plus I love my family but I’m totally convinced I’m a burden on them.