The beginning of 2016 was when I got myself together and had my three beautiful children full time I was working as well. I shelters many people family or not and fed the mouth of people who talked bad upon me. I’ve never been the perfect mom sister daughter but I always made sure everyone was good and taking care. October of 2016 was when I experimented with a certain drug. No the drug did not ruin my life but it changed me as a person. The same month landlord told me I could not renew my lease because another lady needed a place to stay with her children so I have been homeless since November 1st of 2016. I found out I had a warrant for my arrest because they subpoenaed me to go to court for child support case I opened on my sons dad. I had to work that day and we were already short on money and I figured to take care of my children me going to work was a better choice. My drug usage started getting heavier when I had to send my kids to my grandparents house. I have been going from hotel to hotel and finally lost my job because they found out I had a warrant. I had to Resort to prostitution to provide for my kids and my family. I slow down on my drug usage so I could focus on living a better life. Even through my struggle I made sure my family and my friends we’re taking care of. I have no help for myself and don’t know how to cope with what’s going on. I failed as a mother a daughter and a sister. I have no reason to live. Everyone in my life has been a blessing or a lesson and I always learned a lesson instead of finding someone who was my blessing. I can’t even care for my kids like a real mom so what’s the point of living. Being a single mom is tough but I can’t provide for them or myself. If you knew more about my life you probably feel the same way too. I’m 22 years old and have fought a tough battle. They say God wouldn’t give you more than you could handle but I have reached my limit. Thank you to everyone who has made a positive impact on my life and I pray I have made a positive impact on at least one person’s life. That is my story of 2016 the eye-opening year. Thank you for reading.
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Before you convince yourself that now is the time to leave this world and enter a whole new dimension of an unknown abyss, ask yourself these questions. (and feel free to answer them yourself in the comments):
What makes it so hard for you to stay?
What do you view suicide as?
How would you commit suicide?
On average, 6 people are intimately affected by the suicide of a friend, family member, etc.
Who do you think would miss you the most? (Can be more or less than 6 people.)
Why would those people miss you so much?
What is your favorite thing about your everyday life?
What are some goals you have for yourself? (Doesn’t even have to be big goals)
What are 4 positive things that you would miss?
I did something similar to this before, and as a result I noticed a lot of people thinking more about their situation, myself included. I think it’s a good idea to ask yourself some personal question where you realize the value of your life. I don’t know many, or really any of you personally, but what I have seen from past and present post on this site, is that you are all lovely people, that seem to have very realistic goals in life, and I would hate for those goals to be demolished by suicide. Even if you don’t feel as if you have people in your life that would be affected if you left, and even if you really don’t, you have yourself, the person you were given to take care of and watch over. I know this is such a strange perspective to look at your own life as, but you received your own body, your own thoughts to nurture and grow with. And I understand that some days you just fall so deep into such a dark place it never seems like you’ll recover, but days always get better, I’ve been through some shitty days, days I didn’t want to recover from, days where I spent the entire time laying on the floor, incapable of even crying, but it got better, it always gets better, because when you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up. I hope this post helped someone, even if it helped you a little tiny bit, that would brighten my day, and make this one of those better days. 🙂 Feel free to comment, I respond as much as possible! And I love reading what you guys have to say, positive or negative. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I really do appreciate it.
From one person struggling with suicide thoughts to another.
well the past 2 days have been the worst. to start with i started cutting 3 days ago one of my best friends oded on pills and i don’t know if she is alive right now. ive been thinking about hanging my self for the past 2 days and i have a pill bottle on my desk full of random shit. im not scared to kill myself just scared to fail(again). oh and on top of that my best friend was in a car accident that left him paralyzed. why do i get the shittest life possible. honestly i could write a ten page essay on reasons to kill myself and i could maybe just maybe write one sentence on why i shouldn’t.
“In the end it’s not about what you have.
In the end it’s all about where you want to go
And the roads you take to help you get there.
Cause you’ve only got one life to lead.
So don’t take for granted those little things.
Those little things are all that we have.”
i know we’re all going thru our own shit, and if you’re like me these thoughts could pop up and disappear on your mind constantly. just an hour ago i was ready to go, but my friend asked me to eat out, and we talked, and it did feel good. sometimes i feel the world is against me, but sometimes i feel i can conquer the world. i hope the lyrics above would make sense to any of you. i know it maybe cheesy or corny or a little bit cliche, but its a cliche for one reason, because its true..
goodluck to all
I don’t even know why I’m typing this to be honest, right now I feel reckless and restless and bored and tired.
I’m fed up of being poor and being tired and feeling like I’m being judged for every little thing I say and do.
I’m tired of being ugly. I hate how my face looks, with it’s stupid round jaw and lumpy nose and disgusting frizzy short hair, I hate how I look fat in every photo, I hate how I am fat, acres and acres of disgusting wobbly blotchy skin wobbling away, taking up too much space.
I hate how much I wish I could stop eating, but I’m a fat ***** with no willpower who just loves food too much. I hate how jealous I am of my mum, with her skinny limbs and tiny clothes and pointy cheekbones, and I hate her for chucking up every meal, it’s such a fucking waste, why couldn’t she just starve herself. I hate how I made myself purge before after I binged, but I could never make a habit of it, so I keep shovelling tonnes of fat and muck down my throat.
I hate how all my family cooks is shit so I will never be perfect and skinny. I hate how all my friends seem to have perfect families who support them and love them and cherish them, while all I have is an alcoholic who drinks at every important occasion of my life and constantly picks fights while slurring and wobbling her way round the house while making me feel like a complete disgusting piece of shit, but she thinks she has the right to act like this because she’s SUCH a special little snowflake because she was adopted and treated like shit as a child. I hate how she’s fucking me up too. I hate her so much, I hate the ay she constantly talks to herself and told my 11 year old sister to run me through with a sword. I hate the hours I’ve wasted crying because of her. I hate how my dad won’t leave her. I hate how one minute he can be an amazing father who I get along with and then a tempermental bastard. I hate how he has arthritis. I hate how as a little kid they never let me socialize and treated me like shit. I hate how as a little kid I always had to wear second hand clothes and I still do, it’s horrible to go out in the early mornings to go to boot sales and buy other people’s reject clothes and have to pass them off to your friends as new.
I hate how I feel restless and bored and empty and lonely when I should be grateful for the fact I have a home and friends and a boyfriend. I hate how I ‘gave up’ cutting a year ago but I’ve had a couple of relapses I’ve had to cover up. I hate how when I’m angry or when I look in a mirror sometimes I hit and punch myself because I’m disgusting.
I hate how, even though I have friends, and I am lucky that people would choose to like me, they all feel so distant and not real, and sometimes I resent them so much for their money and families and beauty and happy perfect lives. I hate how another friend of mine has the same sort of issuesÂ do, but everyone is so supportive and caring about her, whereas with me it doesn’t seem to matter because I’m not obviously self destructive. I hate being me.
I hate how I have an amazing boyfriend, but he pisses me off about minor things. I hate how sometimes I feel like a sex object, even though I kind of present myself like one. I hate how I have unrealistic expectations and how I expect him to sweep in and save me. I hate how even though I try to talk to him he doesn’t fucking understand and never will. I envy him his lovely family and his days out and his money and the fact people care about him.
I hate myself for fucking up the opportunity to get into the top university in the country all because I’m a stupid lazy ***** who doesn’t have the motivation to do anything. I hate how I haven’t revised enough for my final exams and I’ll probably fuck them up but somehow it doesn’t seem to matter to me.
I hate how I lie all the time and I don’t even know why. I hate how I lie about having feelings and ambitions and everything. I hate how I almost manage to lie myself into normality but not quite. I hate how I make things up to try and seem more dramatic just so somebody will pity me and like and want to be my friend and make things better and fix my life. I hate how I want attention from people I don’t deserve.
I am a stupid lazy useless disgusting lump of meat who is a waste, but the irony of it all is that I think I deserve better than my lot in life, but I don’t have the motivation or emotion to strive for anything.
I hate how writing this was supposed to be cathartic but I can’t even cry about it, I feel so far removed from my own life sometimes.
I hate being the world’s most ugly narcissist.
I hate how right now I want to just slash my skin with a razor.
I hate myself and I wish I didn’t have to exist.
I don’t exactly want to be dead, I just want to be someone else, I just want to skip being me.