Hii… My name is Arianna, yesterday I posted on here that I tried to overdose… I did try, but fortunately it did not kill me.. I’ve been vomiting for 2 hours now.. Idk what I took, all I know it had 600 milligrams (is it milligrams or am I just dumb?) for each pill. I took 30, at the least… I did not go to the hospital and yes my parents found out.. I had told them I was bisexual and that I selfharm.. We didn’t go to the hospital because my mom thought she would lose her job ._. My mom told me that selfharming is cowardly and is showing that I’m not strong… Personally I took that offensively, because I don’t think selfharm is cowardly… It’s just a way to cope with feelings that you can’t necessarily put into words…. I was heading off to bed and told my mom I loved her… All she said is “Really?! Because you have a weird way of showing it.” Anyways… I threw away all of my blades away.. Yes, I’m going to try and stop selfharming…. And yes I’m recovering fine from the pill overdosage thing.. I’m not leaving anytime soon.. Not when I’m with someone who would of took his life if I took mine.. Thank you. Goodnight y’all. Feel free to hmu on kik.. Arianna_Newton
As this site has semi functioned as a journal for me to track my depression, and as people were pretty curious about TMS when I posted about it, I have decided to post about my experience with TMS, as I am starting 6 weeks of treatment starting tomorrow.
I had to take two depression tests and go over the history of every psych med I had tried which wasn’t effective (hard to remember them all). This was to show the insurance two things, 1. I had major depression and 2. It is treatment resistent even after trying multiple anti depressants. The charge of this was just my usual specialist copay, which is $50 for me. It took about 3 weeks to hear back from insurance.
This was important to me and I am sure for any of you who may be considering this. I live in the US so keep in mind our healthcare system is fucked. The cost without insurance would be between 700-800 per session plus whatever the doctor charges for an out of a pocket appointment. Approximately say 1000 per session. Typical length is 30 sessions (5x a week fo 6 weeks). So without insurance would run about 30000. With my insurance covering it, I am only paying copays, which breaks it down to 1500 (50 copay * 30 sessions). As this is way more than I can afford, as a 23 year old addict, my doctor is letting me do it for only 1050. Only…
Anyway, I will try to post tomorrow and describe the first session. If you have any questions or suggestions as to my idea to post about this, let me know!
After a month, I was able to hear her voice. I spoke with my daughter. I told her that I love her and miss her. She said that she can’t wait to see me. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I won’t be here anymore.
I haven’t seen her in 4 months. After a 30 minute conversation with her, my level of joy and relief was overpowered by the truth. I will never be good enough to be in her life or to be with her mother. I have no other known idea than to give up.
I have never once given up on anything that I have believed in. I believe in love, truth, trust and reality.
The reality of this truth is that she doesn’t want or trust the real undying love that I have for her.
I HAVE TO GIVE UP. Otherise more lives than my own will be destroyed beyond repair.
Hello. Haven’t posted in a while. Testing week was hell. Tired. Ended testing week off with an important interview. Felt like a fraud. I dressed up as something I wasn’t. Smiled. Used hand gestures. I was articulate. They seemed very pleased. The final question was why I thought I deserved the position. I wanted to scream out I didn’t deserve it. That I was a fraud. That I was a liar. That I was a horrible person. I sat there for 30 seconds. I finally came up with some bullshit answer. They said I got it. Went up to shake their hand. I felt a smile coming on to my face. I feel disgusted with myself. I’m a terrible person. Thank you for listening.
So my family think I’ve either gone completely insane, or I’m on drugs. This energy and hyperactivity hasn’t gone away – in fact, it’s getting worse. My sleep is also next to nonexistent. I can’t slow down my speech, and I can’t stop moving around.
I got this sudden urge to go to the beach, and so I made my stepdad take me since I wasn’t allowed out the house alone – we went the beach at 9:30 at night. And I literally did a karaoke in the car in the way home again – I have also decided I’m rebuilding hospitals to give them all helipads, and I’m taking helicopter lessons as well as going on holiday next week.
We got home and my mum has been saying how manic I am, and she literally turned around and called me Bipolar. Fun. She was on the phone to my psychiatrist the other day – apparently about my medication – but I’m almost certain she’s lying about something.
It’s almost 1:30 in the morning now – my stepdad stayed downstairs and watched a film with me to make sure I actually went to bed afterwards.
I can’t shift this energy, and it’s driving me insane because I can’t do all these things I want to do at once. Oh well.
This post is most likely all over the place and won’t make much sense. But, again, oh well.
Some people embrace responsibilities and challenges. I avoid them.
Most people spend their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s advancing their careers and/or raising a family. I’m 30 and have no interest in either. I have friends now but I wonder how many of them I’ll still have in ten years when they’ve all “moved on.”
I was so well suited to the school environment where things were highly structured and most work was individual, but so ill suited to the real world where things are less structured and uncertain and most work is done with other people.
I completely lack basic life skills like cooking and fixing things, nor do I have any interest in learning them. I haven’t been particularly interested in learning anything for a while, actually. On the other hand when I was a kid I loved learning everything.
I’m just afraid of life. And even more afraid of love.
I feel like the bus that was meant to hit me five years ago got stuck in traffic or broke down instead. If it hadn’t, people would probably remember me for all the promise I had then instead of for the way it’s all crumbling now.
the realisation that I deserve to suffer and to die. I’ve realized it time and time again but it hurts the same every time. every so often I feel myself loosening, thinking, well maybe I deserve a chance to live at least until I’m 18 or 21 or 30, but I know deep down I’m wrong. I know that every day I continue to live is another unforgivable sin.
Three guys walk into a motel to get a room for the night.
The attendant, a new hire, is unsure how to charge three people for one room. So he decides on $10 each, totaling $30. Each guy pays with a $10 bill.
The manger comes to check on the new attendant. He informs him, the room is $25 regardless of number of occupants. The manager gives the attendant five $1 bills, instructing him to take the men a refund.
The attendant, knowing each man paid $10, can’t decide how to split $5 between the three guys. So he pockets $2, gives each of them $1 back.
Now, each man paid $10 minus the $1 refund.
At $9 a piece, the 3 guys spent $27 on the room.
The attendant kept $2 for himself.
Where’s the remaining dollar?
OK, so, I’m not trying to, or planning to leap from one frying pan to another.
That said, part of my plan is to put a camping trailer in the woods. I already have said woods. Not an extraordinary trailer, just something around a 30 foot. Whatever I can find and negotiate on. It’s a roof, it’s cheap.
So my question, am I sealing my fate to be alone? Ladies, if you met a dude who lived in a camper, would it be an instant put off?
so it’s me again. i’ll probably be writing posts all day long, spilling my dark and unforgiving past onto the internet for all to see. so. yeah. i already told you a bit about my goddamned life before, and so keeping that in mind, i’ll tell you more about what i call “my personal hell on earth”. great, right? no? yeah, i thought that’s what you were gonna say. i’ll be back at approx. 12:30 (my time) with juicy details about my sucky life.
as anyone ever had there earphones go out to where they can only hear out of one side? omg mine have done so, and I beyond highly annoyed at there hour. I mean I live in the UK for blokes sake, am I suppose to run down to my local Wal mart and pick up a new pair:? I spent 30 pounds on these…I am so not happy right now.
Woke up as some of you know at the unholy hour of what was it….2:30ish am…..ordering coffee from room service. I sat out on my balcony and drank the whole pot they brought me before retiring back to bed where I slept and dreamed in circles. Same thing kept happening over and over and over….annoying.
*Yep, still wearing Danny boys sweatpants…I do love these things*
Got up a couple of hours ago, took a nice hot bath but not before ordering more coffee and a couple bottles of water. Now I am sitting here facing the water about to have breakfast. Somehow I ended up ordering more than what I wanted and got at least one item that I didn’t want. LOL Oh well. I even have company this morning to watch this view with, I would have liked to have been alone, but she is checking out in 30 mins so I won’t have to endure her long. Although, she is a sweet older lady.
I hope you all had a goodnights rest. Today is the last day of my life but a whole new beginning follows shortly. Today is about me, the beach, and the water I love so much. Today is a good day for me to surf one last time, then lay on the beach and doing nothing at all but feel the sun.
It is almost 5:30 in the morning here.
I have been awake all night long.
I’m going to try to go to sleep again in a few minutes.
Yesterday I printed out my funeral wishes (and other legal papers involving end-of-life issues), signed them, and gave them to two of the officials I trust at my place of worship.
They probably assumed my concern was due to my declining health and the degenerative disabilities which aren’t getting better.
They know I am depressed, although I haven’t mentioned the “S” word at all.
Inconvenient fact about wearing glasses while depressed: If you blink your eyes when they’re full of tears, your eyelashes flick little drops onto the inside of your glasses, and then eventually you can hardly see. Sort of like a car windshield after driving behind a semi on muddy roads. Good luck being able to see anything at all after a few minutes.
Me: “Wait, was that a stop sign?”
Tonight at symphony rehearsal, the director had a sad announcement to make.
One of our trumpet players was found dead in his car.
He was maybe late 20’s or early 30’s, and I’ve known him for over 10 years. For as long as I’ve known him, he has had a lot of problems with drugs.
I remember sometimes after rehearsal, a small group of us used to go out for dinner, then we would sit around outside and chat for a few hours. I remember he would freely admit that he was willing to try any drug he could afford, legal or not. It helped him mentally escape from the bad parts of life, I think.
Anyway, they found him in the car, alone.
Nobody’s willing to say the “S” word yet, but it does look like he may have overdosed, since that was a recurring theme in his life.
He was an amazing trumpet player. Very accomplished, very talented. He made beautiful music.
We’re going to miss him.
Do you guys feel the same vibe this song hits hard especially the way I feel at 0:30 the lyrics hit hard it’s an incomplete sentence
“afraid I’m not afraid if you can die, afraid I’m not afraid if you…”
But it has a lot of feel. Very relaxing but sad at the same time. This is also my first time ever posting here hope this was a good post to start with
Sometimes I scare myself. At first I don’t realize what I’m doing. I tend to change reactions and emotions quickly. I’m bipolar. When I’m alone and calm , I can control myself, until I experience episodes of anger and sadness. These episodes result in me cutting myself or swallowing 30+ pills, or just guzzling down vodka.
I’m having more frequent thoughts of harming myself lately. Its like I’m an addict who is in remission but is being tempted. My friends have tried with me repeatedly to get me to stop self harming but I just can’t
People just don’t understand that suicidal thoughts and self harm are addictive just like actual drugs or cigarettes . Similarly to how a smoker who smokes in excess can’t just stop smoking on queue, I can’t either. Sometimes its not as easy as it sounds.
Like many aspects of our daily routine, self harm and suicide attempts are acquired tasks. For some breaking routine is difficult. Self harm and suicide attempts are like eating, brushing or eating. For some, a day without thinking of how to harm themselves or actually do it.
Just 8:30 and im already drunk and depressed. Just took my meds so hopefully i fall asleep soon. I feel like im keeping myself alive waiting for something to live for when theres a million reasons not too. Im really close to giving up. But i might go back to cutting. Id rather do that then get drunk.
I’m scared shitless. I don’t think I can survive. I’ll end up in prison because I’m just too poor to pay back the government from money I earn and buy insurance on top of it. For fuck’s sake, I’m more often homeless than I am housed because I don’t make enough to get housing on my own. But I got my W2 from my first job and I made just over the poverty line. I thought the poverty line was higher but nope, it’s been lowered. My other job isn’t taxed and I’m afraid I’ll be fucked, owe the government thousands upon thousands that I don’t have and can’t get. I barely have $30 fucking a week to eat and live with how the fuck am I supposed to have $350+ a month for god damned health insurance and a few thousand in one lump sum to pay the government for having worked my ass off to barely scrape by with $30 on a good week!?!? I can’t fucking do this!!!
Just curious- how many of you guys have hope that your life will be better and that you’ll be happy / find happiness at some point in your life? And how many people believe that they’ll be depressed forever or that their life isn’t likely to get better?
Also, if you could include your age, or approximately how old you are (like 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 65+, under 21, teenager, tween, etc).
Just wondering what the state of mind is of the people on here. And if age matters on outlook. Thanks.
Barely could sleep last night, if anythig other than water enters my stomach it will come out right after, i’ve been hiding from my family as i don’t want them to see my teary eyes, it’s 10:30 pm it seems to get worst at night, the only place i feel safe is the living room i can’t even go to bed.