I should never have come back here to school. I should have listened to my intuition and stayed home and gone to beauty school or something. After getting trampled by a horse I should have known that was a sign. I cant even bridle the horse and all i ever do is cry. Im such a crybaby i wish i knew how to make it stop. People tell me i don’t belong here and maybe i should listen. I wish i could die in my sleep from all this pain. I’m so done. And my roommate doesn’t even care about me she just wants […]
So i had the most terrifying nightmare last night…. I’ll spare you the gory details, but one thing i will say is my dad was the pain mart of it. He kept attacking me, abusing me, both verbally and physically, he was literally torturing me…it was the worst thing i’ve ever experienced dream wise…. And he kept telling me over and over… “Just kill yourself. Just commit suicide. Do it.” Again, and again, and again. And whereas in most dreams/ nightmares i can wake up, this one was a never ending torture. I woke up sweating, shaking uncontrollably, and crying. It was the worst thing […]
Never sat down and wrote anything before so I said why not I’m 36 blk m when I write can’t believe I made it this long life hAs not been to hard worked since I was about 22 Always tried to stay stress free just going with the flow of things this last year has been the hardest been out of work about 9 months lost my job like so many others then watched my self fall apart losing everthing but my self now as I watch myself go I guess it will be cool to go out on my own terms giving up […]
ive been up for 2 days now, no sleep. im so damn sad. ive got no friends to tell things to. ive got an issue on my hands. a very big damn issue.. dont know what to do. when someone asks me what’s wrong, that just makes the whole situation a lot worse. Hysterical crying begins because of my shittiness and non self-worth. honestly, im not good at anything, i really dont like people that much, and the people that i do like, i’ve pushed every damn one away. I’m pretty sure i’m bi-polar now, cause i went through one of those mania phases last […]
There are suicidal people who have mental illness, but in my opinion, wanting to take one’s own life is not a mental illness, nor is it necessarily indicative or symptomatic of one. Rather, it is likely a spiritual condition residing at a far point on a spectrum. 30 years ago suicide was as taboo a subject as divorce. Today it is a sign of an imbalance of brain chemistry. 30 years from now it will be regarded as I posted here. Just a guess.
Give me a sign i want to believe
That life can be better, id do as i please.
With my last dream in my head
My last dream was when i wished i was dead.
Although my dream may not come true
They say follow your dreams and that just what ill do.
if I committed suicide…
I wonder how many
gasps,
cries,
screams,
tears,
or words will be spoken as a sign of love.
But them I remembered…
It’s 2:30 am and I’m
alone,
tired,
scared,
sore,
and silently screaming for help no one really
notices,
cares,
thinks,
shows any sort of affection.
if I commit suicide…
please don’t say you
loved me,
missed me,
cared for me ,
or found beauty within me,
or I should’ve tried harder.
Because […]
So, basically this is one of my last chances until suicide is my last option. I’ve been thinking about suicide since i was probably 14. I just turned 16 two weeks ago. Â It feels as if, I’m just a waste of matter. I feel like I’m just taking up space. I can’t do anything and I won’t ever be anything. When I’m gone, I won’t leave a mark on anyone’s life. If they were able to survive without knowing me, then they’ll still survive when I’m gone; they’ll only feel grief for about a week. I’m always being pushed down in life, and there isn’t […]
My best friend since child hood was hit by a bus five years ago while he was roller skating the image is still with me today. He wasn’t just my best friend he also taught me love has no gender, no age, no color and now hes gone. I feel guilty that he died because I was going through a phase that I was just being a shut in and not talking with people I feel like if I just called him earlier that day he would still be with me hopefully that’s what I tell myself and its what I think and what I […]
“Somehow I’m gonna lose you, cause You’re not mine, and You’ll never be.
It hurts cause I want us to happen. I was us to be. I could bet that deep inside you, you feel the same way for me. I need a sign before is too late. I can’t tell you how much I need you, how much I love you, how much I want you. Before is too late, please be with me before I’m dead.”
I love someone.
Do they love me back?
I’ll never know.
I hope they do.
But you just can’t be certain these days.
But…
Today…
I felt affection.
Affection from someone I could actually touch.
Someone that doesn’t live 2,000 miles away.
Maybe it’s a sign.
A sign that I should stop pretending that our relationship will  work.
I just feel like I can’t do it anymore.
I can’t bare the thought of not being able to hold your hand until we’re 18.
5 years.
5 years of agony
and being alone.
It was a small sign.
Just holding hands in the dark.
No one will ever know.
No questions.
But yet no answers.
Does it mean something or was the whole thing a big mistake?
I don’t know.
But I […]
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