I get ignored just like usual. If i want to go out anywhere or do anything I just seem to go by myself these days. If i go with family members it just turns into one huge screaming match by the end of it. I know my sis is graduating high school and that’s great and all… But it feels like if i say anything people just get irritated and annoyed. I’m trying to stay positive and happy with my music and thoughts but i know i am slowly slipping. The guy i really like. we have so much in common and weve been friends for a long time. too bad he cant get over his ex girlfriend and he has no clue how much i like him. The girl I’m in love with I have known her since i transferred to my last college. she is beautiful in every way. Pretty much my dream girl. Her ex was kind of abusive toward her. Oh who am I kidding i don’t have a chance in hell with her. especially with my ugly, fat, pathetic ass. who’s only good looks is my blue eyes, curly brown hair, and big boobs/ass and awkward personality. It has been 4 months since i last posted on here. see ya round.
I’ve been lurking on this sight for months now: but just recently made an account. I’m not sure if I waited so long because I was nervous about posting or because I didn’t want to push my problems onto others. But anyways, I guess now is a good a time as any. A little background before I get into what I really want to talk about, my dad was a very abusive drunk and mother left us relatively young due to a substance abuse problem. I was always looking for a way out, a way to find some normalcy in my life. Eventually I found it, it was oddly enough in a girl. I was young, maybe 14 (currently 18) but she changed my perspective on the world. She gave me this infinite desire to live; took me away from all the thoughts of suicide and depression. She was a truly amazing person. We dated for a long time. But one day, something happened to change this fun loving, bubbly girl with the long bangs and deep blue eyes.. One night changed her forever, she cut her bangs short, her eyes became empty, laugh no longer sincere. Her father molested her . I couldn’t give her the healing she gave me. I failed her. Then I lost her. But recently, after a couple years, we reconnected. We had talked a few times over that time span, but not like we have over the past couple weeks. I worry, I never quite got over her. I don’t want to lose her all over again. I don’t think I’d be able to take that mentally. But I also can’t just let the chance slip through my finger tips.. Sorry for spelling or grammar errors, it’s late and in not motivated enough to read this over.
My marriage is ugly.
Divorce is ugly.
Suicide is ugly.
It’s quite a predicament. In my marriage, I am already dead. The pleasure of life is consumed. I really can’t paint a picture of how ridiculously abusive it is.
Suicide would just be an end to the torment. It’s a difficult thing to do. I don’t want “help” or “attention” so I’d have to give it 110%. Holding me back, so many passions. Prospects. Hopes and dreams . It makes me think, if I could let go of it all, I’d be OK in my marriage.
Divorce. Well. That’s just a lot of work. I mean, any guy can jump ship on his family. That’s disgraceful I’d rather die. No, I’d need to find some strength to pull this off. Maybe 2 years ago I could have.
So, I’m giving myself a deadline. Never used that word so literally. Anyways. By first week of June. I need to pull a trigger. Divorce or suicide, either way I’m taking control.
I was hanging in the bathroom by my neck 20 min ago and my legs went numb. I wasnt strong enough, so I let my self down. I’m a 23 year old women and I’m in college. I am very alone. I don’t like to express myself emotionally because I tried it before but no one understood me. Sometimes I wonder if there’s anyone out there who feels like no one in the world understands you- who feels alone. I don’t know where to go or where to turn. I feel suffocate- stuck in a corner- always pretending everything is alright. But I’m tired and I can’t live with the pain I feel inside. Its overwhelming and I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. Your probably wondering what happened to me that makes me feel this way.. But honestly, it’s nothing. I just never felt like I belonged- ever since I was a little girl. I had friends all my life and a big family but I always felt alone and misunderstood. Like if I where a different species trying to feel at home but missing something so deep and meaningful. There’s a big void in my existence but I yet seem not knowing what that void is.
This is a first, reaching out because I’ve reached my end thinking this is going to take so much energy to write and expecting no response it hardly seems worth the effort. I’m a walking contradiction… I’ve read a few enteries and like some of you, I suffered a horribly abusive childhood however I can’t get over it. That said, I’m house bound, self inflicted. I haven’t left my house in ages, afraid of being judged, having to talk, seeing someone I know and having to pretend that my life is perfect which it isn’t. I’ve lots of bad habits, one of many is talking in circles, I’m sorry. I’ve was diagnosed with clinical depression at age 17, been on antidepressants since forever. My first suicide attempt was at 13, I don’t think I wanted to die cause I called a family member when I began feeling very much out of sorts and she rushed me to the hospital, where the Dr’s didn’t believe that I had taken the amount of medication that I truly had, here began my fight with life, every aspect of it. Oh shit, I remember when I was discharged my mother came to get me and was supposed to bring a change of clothes and forgot underwear and shoes, yup, humiliating. Fast forward to today, countless failed suicide attempts later, living w a man who treats me like arm candy or like shit depending on the day lol (I glance in the mirror and see an unattractive, desperate, pathetic ANGRY sad empty desperate loser)
I’ve never loved him. I never wanted to love him, I just settled like I always do, thinking that I don’t deserve better so wtf, just settle. he was a way out from my verbally physically abusive family. I hate him, that’s so mean, I wish I didn’t feel that way but I do. He’s always been emotionally unavailable so talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. Why I do this I’ve not a clue, I PUSH EVERYONE WHO CARES ABOUT ME OUT OF MY LIFE, and I wonder why I’m so lonely….I haven’t anyone to talk to, my dear sweet older brother has Autism, my older sister is a fuc—g abusive drunk. (I don’t know who was more abusive her or my mother, I guess her cause she still treats me as though I were a piece of shit, deserving of her abuse. I had to install an alarm system on my ” house” bcuz of her threats of death. My father has Alzheimer’s and he was my rock, he still is in a weird way. His health declining rapidly is gut wrenching and the day he doesn’t rmbr me is the day I WILL DIE. He wasn’t perfect, but he cared, he listened and never judged. My dad always knew what to say, how to be a parent like, not perfect, abusive but for some strange reason I always forgave him. My emotionally, verbally, physically abusive mother died wen I was 28. The abuse started wen I was soooo young. I don’t have much memory of my childhood but the bits I do rmbr suck. She’d have me awake, dancing w her at all hrs of the morning memories of the latter as early as grade 1…it got worse. She’d slap me in front of my friends, belittle me at any time she could, as I stood wide eyed, tearing up, wishing the floor wud open up and swallow me, this was my childhood and my life until she died. The last words she uttered to me were, “you’re the devils spawn” how am I ever to get over those words, from my flesh and blood? I can’t, haven’t and won’t. As I ramble on, bk to my dad, she threw him out wen I was 11. In hindsight, I should’ve left with him, but never knew I could. She had such a tight reign on me, I loathed her. Now that my dad needs me, I can’t be there for him. I don’t leave my house, going through another episode of agoraphobia, debilitating. Everyday a piece of me dies. I wish I were happy, could smile and feel that smile instead of the dread and despair. Can I PLEASE get a hug. I long for human touch…
Back to today, barely existing, walking on eggshells feeling the lowest I’ve felt in my entire life, pretending to be ok. I’m lonely, OMG IM SO VERY LONELY whether it be by my own hand/will, I am so damn lonely that the thought of going through one more hour, minute sickens me. I want to be free of this nightmare that won’t go away, how much longer I can endure this life remains to be seen. Biggest fear, screwing it up again and living worse off than I feel I am now. If there’s no such thing as a perfect crime then there’s no such thing as a perfect self inflicted exit, or is there?
I, I, I, that word urg but I am sorry. I’ve wanted to be done with this hell on earth for years, I’m too afraid to try again and NOT succeed. I lay in bed all day, everyday hating life, wondering why I’m still here, not sleeping at night and thinking so much that my head feels like it’s going to explode… I’ve become someone I don’t know or like, if I weren’t here, no one would notice…I just don’t care anymore… And I need a hug so badly it hurts.
I don’t know how much of my rant makes sense, it’s all over the place which is indicative of where my heads at. Thanks for reading, sorry for the overwhelming use of “I”, don’t much expect a response, don’t really need one, just needed to vent. <3
Where to start, well, it’s pretty clear that 90% of my turmoil is the result of an abusive marriage I want out of. I’m here of my own accord though, I’ve chosen this sacrifice, this suffering, because reasons.
I’ve also come to realize, in some strange way.. I sought this. In some sickening way, I’m comfortable being depressed. I feel as though, I pursued someone to hurt me, to justify feeling so hurt.
I’ve been on here roughly a week. A common theme I see, is people just wanting someone, anyone. It makes me Stockholm myself, as if taking this beating is better than being alone. Especially if I did infact seek out a controlling abuser.
Even though, through out the years, I’ve made several self harm attempt (albeit weak and pathetic ones) there’s so much I still enjoy. Music, writing, just any opportunity to be creative. Work is decent. So I guess my point is, the only thing keeping me from pursing happiness is myself. That kind of explains the self hate.
I’ve read so much here, of your stories. I don’t know what to say. I feel so sorry for so many of you. I definitely feel inadequate in this regard. Like, I’m not suicidal enough to compare, I have productive outlets (though they’re discouraged by my spouse), I’m relatively fit and healthy. Yet here I am, whining and seeking sympathy from a group that has real problem, real issues that are out of their control.
Yeah, here I sit. Hesitant to pull the trigger. In any sense. Not on a gun and not on life. Too happy to be sad simultaneously too sad to be happy. Just drifting along in a vortex of grey built by my own design.
I was first diagnosed with depression over 20 years ago. Life has been up and down since then. I’ve had some fun, but I’ve often felt isolated and alone. I’ve had social anxiety that has made making friends difficult. After college I married the first the first person who showed an interest, which was a bad idea. She turned out to be abusive and had her own mental health issues. Eventually she moved out and we divorced.
After that relationship, I eventually met someone else who is kind, but unable to hold down a job. My life has been going down hill since the relationship began four years ago. She has her own mental and physical health issues, and trying to support her has ruined my physical, mental, and financial health. I’m overwhelmed at work and I barely sleep. I don’t have the energy or even the motivation to eat right or exercise or get out. I don’t have any real friends to open up to, and I feel really isolated.
Despite the years of depression, I hadn’t ever really been suicidal until the last few months. Now it’s my all-encompassing focus whenever I’m not actively doing something else. I don’t see a future for me; there’s nothing I want to do or achieve; there’s nothing I’m excited about now or in future. I feel like I’m just on the edge waiting for the next thing to go wrong to push me over.
Alright, fellow depressed ones, back again to give y’all an update on my pathetic, miserable life. Last I posted, I went over a chunk of my life story and left off at my homeless predicament. As of now, I quit my job with a really abusive, corrupt oxygen company and I’m currently enrolled in college. I just had my first day of college today. As is typical of my life, nothing can go right. After two years out of state and a total shift in my appearance and personality, I ended up in class with bullies I’ve known since I was four years old. They tried to get to me and failed. Guess my skin thickened up some.
I was, of course, denied financial aid because I worked for three months. I had to quit my job to go to college because my boss demanded I be available to work at least fifty hours a week. That made college an impossibility. I paid a grand out of pocket for tuition and books for community college. Quite absurd if you ask me. It’s good I can afford a semester though.
I did my best to come out of my shell and talk to people during my first day. I personally introduced myself to my professors at the end of class, to quite a large sum of students, and did my absolute best to fit in and be normal. I was smiling like an idiot because I was so excited to have a fresh chance wish my social life. Nothing’s changed, at all. The new me is met with the same cold shoulders as the old me. I’m again depressed and my only driving motivation is a computer science degree.
On the bright side… I don’t believe I’ve ever had this little to complain about. I really should be getting some sleep, considering I have class in the morning. To wrap this up: I’m still homeless and jumping between friends’ houses. I saved enough to finish two semesters of college, if I’m lucky. I’m spending as much time there as possible for obvious reasons… hell, if my life sucks and I have nowhere else to go, why not go for a degree? Anyway I hope y’all are alright.. I’m lonely and definitely want somebody with whom I can discuss pointless crap. 🙂
I am no longer myself. I remember how I used to be before seven years of depression. I used to be the most optimistic individual, but life has a way of fucking you over.
For starters, after years of hearing people say negative things about you, you start to believe. I am an eighteen year old mistake. My life was a replacement. My father was abusive and caused my mother to have a miscarriage. Their intention was to replace that baby boy, so I was born.
Throughout my years, I have heard this story so much. Eventually as my father extruded himself from our family domicile, I became the sole recipient of my mother’s hatred towards my father. In the years since, I’ve been stabbed twice, poisoned by her. Then there ate the lies. Making people believe I’m this monster. That I harm her and steal. Which couldn’t be further from the truth.
Every aspect of my life has been affected by her manipulations. I was attending junior college and she deliberately fucked that up. I have a portfolio and drawer of awards and external examinations certificate. All of which she destroyed . Applying for jobs, she began calling people and lying about me.
Though I outwardly appear nonchalant to the whole scenario, internally I really can’t handle much more. I’m vulnerable. I’m stressed. There is not one day that I don’t think of harming myself.
Personally I think that it’s time for this eighteen year old mistake to erase himself . I’ve tried to do so twelve times to no avail.
Doing this would shatter my few friends who try to help me. I know I have written positively blogs before but I just can’t lie to myself anymore.
Maybe she’s right, maybe I’m just a horrible evil person. Maybe I should just get a gun and shoot myself as she begs me to. Maybe I’m a ***** as she says. Maybe I should sell myself as she says I do. While ironically I’m not gay. Maybe I should. There isn’t much left for her to destroy.
So ehm, this is my first time here but I thought it’d be a good idea using this instead of bottling it all up to myself like I have done for years. Growing up wasn’t the easiest, well I’m still growing up but when I was quite a bit younger, my mum met this guy, who wasn’t the best for her, my brother or I, we all thought he was so lovely at first, but then things started to get bad, he became abusive every once in a while but then I turned into everyday. He would never hit me or my brother but it mentally damaged us as he made us watch the kind of things he would do to our mum. After this it was so hard to trust any guy, even 5 years later, it takes everything I have to trust someone, guy or girl. Then there was March 1st 2015, I came out as bisexual, I had known for years about my sexuality I was just scared, I remember writing my coming out paragraph and I remember shaking like anything. Then there came the negative comments as there would be with just about everyone “you’re just a confused little girl” “greedy” “how can you like both? Make up your mind” and that really got me down, so down that I went back to how I used to cope with my pain. Hurting myself, again. I still feel down even now but I have started to control and find other ways of dealing with my problems, like when I want to cut, I write everything I’m feeling, or draw on my leg or arm the way I would with a razor, it helps so much, this is so long and I apologise but I really wanted to get everything off of my chest.
I’m not entirely sure when it happened, probably somewhere in between losing my best friend(whom I loved, and thought was my soulmate) and getting involved with drinking and smoking weed on a regular basis; I lost my soul. I really don’t have any friends and I don’t enjoy spending time with people most of the time. I like my alone time, not because I’m a loner but for the simple reason it seems impossible to make friends who share similar interests and aren’t complete assholes. It just seems like everyone is selfish and act like they are so much better. I didn’t grow up in a luxurious lifestyle. My family was hard on money but they did what they could for us. My step dad was a verbally abusive alcoholic and our mom was a reclusive argumentive type of gal. Anyways I’m getting off topic. I’ve been facing depression for the better half of ten years now. I’m 24 almost 25 in April. I no longer fear the suicidal aspect of the depression. The only reason I keep going is because I care too much for the few people I do have left in my life. At the same time however, is it really worth the pain of living in a world I don’t belong? I don’t find enjoyment in anything anymore. I’m actually a really attractive dude and all the people I meet tell me such; yet it’s impossible to find cool people or girls to talk to. I’m really friendly and don’t treat anybody with disrespect. I don’t believe in making others feel bad about themselves to make me feel good about myself. I do have standards on who I want to meet, or I used to… I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me; or why I don’t fit in. People don’t give me a chance. They assume I’m the rude, popular, cool, stuck up kid, when I’m the total opposite. I’m just tired of having nobody in my life. I have no family; none that I consider anyways, my brother committed suicide in January of this year. I used to be really religious but even the bible is so prejudiced against everything I have given up on believing such a thing. I’m straight and love woman, but there is no reason God (if he is real) to deny anyone into heaven. If there is a heaven and a hell I believe we are living in hell. The terrible people live amazing lives and the good live in misery and terror. The thing I like about this site is that it’s the only place I’ve felt an actual connection to people; just by reading their stories and visualizing their pain and misery through the words they write. People don’t understand people like us. We ruin friendships, relationships, ourselves. Life is a constant panic attack, and I’m constantly reaching and looking for a light that is engulfed by the dark and impossible to see. I don’t think we’ll ever get what we’re looking for and we realize that when we decide to join a site like this. The only love we have is each other. Here. Thanks for giving me the little bit of happiness I’ve been able to achieve through your guys writings. You all are appreciated so much, and loved <3.
There is a moment when you look into the eyes of the people you love and see how much pain you are putting them through. There is a moment when you see the worry and the suffering and the fear- and the exhaustion you are putting them through. How their movements become slower, as if the world is weighing on their shoulders. There is a moment when you remember just how worthless you are- just how much you aren’t worth it.
I looked into my mom’s eyes tonight and saw the fear in them. I saw the worry, and the pain of 20 years of having to deal with two bipolar people. I saw just how fucking tired she is, and how much I know she wishes my father and I could be normal. And I haven’t even told her just how suicidal I am.
She’s been an alcoholic for years- dealing with a verbally abusive husband who is full of anxiety and is bipolar tests your nerves after 20 years.
I AM the reason there is a haunted look in her eyes. I AM the reason she has cried herself to sleep so many nights because she knows I can’t sleep and that I am silently destroying myself in my room.
I even gave her false hope. After two suicide attempts last year, she finally thought I was gettign better. College, less stress, better friends- my mood soared. But that’s the funny thing about being bi polar. It’s all a fucking lie. You hit the highest highs and the lowest lows- you go from loving life to wanting to leave it behind.
I don’t think I can put my mother through many more moments. I cannot see that haunted look in her eyes… knowing full well I put it there.
I don’t think I can stand to make many more moments.
Hello. I am 15 years old, and I have never met my dad- not my real one anyways. I have a verbally abusive step-dad, and a mother who doesn’t understand what I have been going through.
I am the oldest child of 3, and I have depression.
You may be saying, “well duh, you’re 15” and all the “all teenagers are” but let me tell you that I used to be a happy kid. I was outdoorsy, and social. Now I am a selective mute who hates the outdoors. Actually, I love the outdoors- just not the things in it- if that makes any sense.
I am an animal lover who owns 4 pet rats, a cat and hopes to own a chinchilla shortly. I love allowing them to climb on my shoulders, though it takes a lot of trust to let them do that, so patience is key.
School is school. I’m not smart, but nor am I not smart. I soar at a subject or two, just the other few I am sucking at. I’m sure I could do better if my mother could help me without yelling at me, or I was able to speak to people without freaking out.
It’s life, I’ve learned to cope. After all, just 2 more years and I’ll be out of my family’s hair and out on my own.
Thanks for those who read this.
Oct. 21st 2015
okay so where do i even begin? I guess ill just start with my family before i even go into detail about me. My mother has a terrible medical history, and she passes out or blacks out many times and during this sometimes she falls and busts her head, which as you can imagine, this is very stressful and would be for anyone. Imagine being anywhere from 6-13 and seeing this is pretty traumatic. My mother cannot control these, and cannot wake herself from these spells on her own. She has had many stitches. My father is a pathological liar. He was in the army, but faked an asthma attack to get out. He hasn’t been a big person in my life since my mom and dad divorced when i was 2. He has almost completely disappeared from my life today. My mother and fathers divorce wasn’t very traumatic to me, being that i was so young. Yes later on it proved to cause a few problems but it really doesn’t weigh on my mind as much as other things do. However, the results of the divorce did affect me and are still hurting me to this day. From sometime in March, my mother met a woman named Tory. Tory was physically and verbally abusive the entire time. They were together ten years before Tory was put in jail for aggravated assault. Now i find myself living in my grandparents house with my mom, my grandma, my grandpa and my moms new girlfriend, Candy. What led to this and how my life is now? I really dont know how i got here but ill save that for another post. Thanks for listening, if anyone is. Bye..~~
I tried to use the Reddit app for the first time last night. I posted some very personal stuff in the Depression and in the LGBT section to see what people would say. The responses were extraordinarily abusive. People blaming me for something someone else did that was out of my control. People telling me to fuck off and get a therapist. I’m actually shaking it was so upsetting. This is why I don’t try to make friends, whenever I reveal anything about my depression to punish me for it. When I deleted my account there was a question of why I was doing this and I said “Your users are poisonous, anyone with severe depression that comes here will end up killing themselves.”
I’m planning on making an appointment to get on antidepressants soon, I also plan on going to counseling soon. I am so incredibly terrified of going into the doctor’s office and telling them I’m depressed. I don’t even know why, but just the idea makes me sick to my stomach. Also the idea of going to counseling really scares me, I went to counseling once when I was younger because I was forced to go by the SRS since my parents were abusive. I’ve hidden my depression for so long, and I’ve been depressed and cutting myself since I was 11, and I’m 19 now. Recently it has gotten much worse and I tried to slit my wrists and after that there was no way to hide the cutting and I was forced to ask for help from my parents. Everyone in my family is so critical of me because of it. I wish no one had ever found out. I know that if I don’t get help, I’ll kill myself, but the idea of getting help really does scare me. I just don’t know why it’s so scary for me to go into a doctor’s office and say out loud, I have depression.
So I experienced a massive cardiac episode two years ago last May. My arteries in my chest literally tore themselves apart. I was on the table for ten hours, I was cliniy dead for half an hour during that time, no brain activity, no machine, 42deg and dead.
It was nice, I have had major depression for more than ten years. I have horrible paranoia of my wife who is 2000 miles away and I can’t control these horrible emotional outbursts anymore. I am a horrible person sometimes and I can only sit in the back of my head and watch the pain it causes.
I am empty, my heart is mostly fake, so no one can say (think with your heart) they can’t tell me I’m selfish because even she is on mood stabilizers, had a horribly abusive five year relationship before me and I don’t even get two years to try to get help.
It needs to end, I’ll do it in a way she can get the money. I love her and I know this will only help her, she has so much going for her, and it’s not me.
i wish I had the strength to do it, the courage to cross over again. To be that peaceful and content
I guess I am writing this for everyone else out there who understands what I’ve gone through. To know you aren’t alone nor are you ever alone no matter how much you may feel that way its not true. I have been battling depression and suicidal tendencies since I was 8 years old. From age 9 to 17 I was raped and molested by my friends father. He is in jail now, but it really messed me up. I started cutting starving binging and purging because i needed to control something again because of how much I had lost. I didn’t know what else to do. I was so scared and he said he would kill me if I said anything so I believed him. I didn’t want to take the chance that he would kill me. I honestly could say I have had my set backs recently I was in recovery for a few months. that didn’t last long, I slipped up and broke again. I was put in several physically and emotionally abusive relationships and I think ill always have that fear of being abused like that again. I am working through it. but I finally realized that I am not alone. And neither are you. So please its okay to ask for help there is nothing wrong with that. You will always have someone who has your back never ever forget that.
I told them I wanted to leave. It didn’t have to be far away, just away from here.
I need help and I know it. They know it. Everyone seems to know it.
I can’t get help while being here.
I’m becoming a monster. Aggressive, verbally abusive to others, physically abusive towards myself. I’ve just about given up on myself. And all anyone cares about is that fact that if I leave, it’s like I’m abandoning them. THEM!
Like, aren’t they abandoning me by only caring about themselves? They aren’t looking out for my best interest. I could kill myself right now and all they would care about is how no one will listen to their crap like I did.
Don’t I deserve to get the help I need? Don’t I deserve to be happy??
Yours Always and Forever,
The Girl Who Just Wants To Be Happy
I m sorry to post such a ridiculous statement,but I had to.Last night,I got drunk on vodka and tried to hang myself again for the third time.This time I was pretty sure I will get through it.I even completed say 65-70% of the process.But as you all fine folks know very well that Lady Luck can be a very cruel mistress and life is like an abusive wife.And so when I was about to fade into eternity,the rope snapped and I fell down and piss my pants.So here I am,all worthless and wet but unfortunately alive yet again.
Moral of the incident:Always empty your bladder and your bowels before you hang yourself.
I guess I learned it the hard way.