Vincent Willem van Gogh – July 29, 1890
https://www.vincentvangogh.org
http://www.vggallery.com/painting/p_0612.htm
http://www.vggallery.com/painting/p_0779.htm
Wouldn’t it be better if everyone of us could live in his/her own unique madness?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7YEVP4r2ok
Lyrics:
Leave the madman in his madness
And don’t try to bring him to his senses
You don’t know what is hidden
Inside the mind of a madman
–
He might find in his madness
Everything he has desired
And wasn’t able
To see and to obtain
–
Leave the madman in his madness
Leave him in his dream
He’s been sick and tired of this world
And he created one of his own
Here we are
Stuck by this river,
You and I
Underneath a sky that’s ever falling down, down, down
Ever falling down
Through the day
As if on an ocean
Waiting here,
Always failing to remember why we came, came, came:
I wonder why we came
You talk to me
as if from a distance
And I reply
With impressions chosen from another time, time, time,
From another time
So We’ll Go No More A-Roving
So we’ll go no more a-roving
So late into the night,
Though the heart be still as loving,
And the moon be still as bright.
For the sword outwears its sheath,
And the soul outwears the breast,
And the heart must pause to breathe,
And love itself have rest.
Though the night was made for loving,
And the day returns too soon,
Yet we’ll go no more a-roving
By the light of the moon.
The Lament of Tasso (extract)
the Mind’s canker in its savage mood,
When the impatient thirst of light and air
Parches the heart; and the abhorred grate,
Marring the sunbeams with its hideous shade,
Works through the throbbing eyeball to the brain,
With a hot sense of heaviness and pain;
Prometheus (extract)
Titan! to whose immortal eyes
The sufferings of mortality,
Seen in their sad reality,
Were not as things that gods despise;
What was thy pity’s recompense?
A silent suffering, and intense;
The rock, the vulture, and the chain,
All that the proud can feel of pain,
The agony they do not show,
The suffocating sense of woe,
Which speaks but in its loneliness,
And then is jealous lest the sky
Should have a listener, nor will sigh
Until its voice is echoless.
The Giaour (extract)
He who hath bent him o’er the dead
Ere the first day of Death is fled,
The first dark day of Nothingness,
The last of Danger and Distress,
(Before Decay’s effacing fingers
Have swept the lines where Beauty lingers,)
And marked the mild angelic air,
The rapture of Repose that’s there,
The fixed yet tender thraits that streak
The languor of the placid cheek,
And—but for that sad shrouded eye,
That fires not, wins not, weeps not, now,
And but for that chill, changeless brow,
Where cold Obstruction’s apathy
Appals the gazing mourner’s heart,
As if to him it could impart
The doom he dreads, yet dwells upon;
Yes, but for these and these alone,
Some moments, aye, one treacherous hour,
He still might doubt the Tyrant’s power;
So fair, so calm, so softly sealed,
The first, last look by Death revealed!
Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage (extract)
But I have lived, and have not lived in vain:
My mind may lose its force, my blood its fire,
And my frame perish even in conquering pain,
But there is that within me which shall tire
Torture and Time, and breathe when I expire.
January 22nd, Missolonghi (extract)
‘Tis time this heart should be unmoved,
Since others it hath ceased to move:
Yet though I cannot be beloved,
Still let me love!
My days are in the yellow leaf;
The flowers and fruits of Love are gone;
The worm—the canker, and the grief
Are mine alone!
The fire that on my bosom preys
Is lone as some Volcanic Isle;
No torch is kindled at its blaze
A funeral pile.
The hope, the fear, the jealous care,
The exalted portion of the pain
And power of Love I cannot share,
But wear the chain.
What a poet…What a great poet…
(Byron’s statue at Missolonghi)
Will the doors of our perception ever be cleansed?
”Only optimists commit suicide, optimists who no longer succeed at being optimists. The others, having no reason to live, why would they have any to die?”
Emil Cioran
Persephone’s nightmare
Lyrics (English translation):
Where once pennyroyal and wild mint grew
and the first cyclamen sprang up,
now peasants bargain on cement prise
and birds fall dead in melting furnace
Sleep Persephone
in earth’s embrace,
to this world’s balcony
never come up again
where once the mystics joined their hands
reverently before entering the sanctuary,
now passing tourists throw their cigarette butts
and go to see the new oil refinery
Sleep Persephone
in earth’s embrace,
to this world’s balcony
never come up again
where once the sea was blessed
and flocks and herds bleated joyfully in the fields,
now trucks carry to the shipyards
lifeless bodies, young workers and scrap metal
Sleep Persephone
in earth’s embrace,
to this world’s balcony
never come up again
-In Greek mythology Persephone was the daughter of Demeter, goddess of plant life, harvest and agriculture. Persephone was abducted by Hades, god of the Underworld, who wanted to marry her. It was eventually arranged that Persephone would spend the autumn and winter with Hades and be allowed to return to her mother every spring and summer. This myth was used to explain why no plants grow for six months every year: Demeter mourns for her daughter.
-In the video we see the city of Eleusis and its ancient site. Eleusis was the site of the Eleusinian Mysteries, which were initiations held every year for the cult of Demeter and Persephone.
-The song is symbolic. This world, as it is, isn’t a place for Persephone to be. This world has become a nightmare. Persephone must remain in the Underworld, spring will never come…
Lyrics (English translation):
Chatterton committed suicide
Hannibal committed suicide
Demosthenes committed suicide
Nietzsche
Raving mad
As for me…
As for me
It’s not going much better
Chatterton committed suicide
Cleopatra committed suicide
Isocrates committed suicide
Goya
Raving mad
As for me…
As for me
It’s not going much better
Chatterton committed suicide
Marc Antony committed suicide
Van Gogh committed suicide
Schumann
Raving mad
As for me…
As for me
It’s not going much better
Sometimes I think there’s never been
A highway so wide and mean
Leading to a room so cold and bare
Faded pictures on the wall
Stories of a past untold
Sunny beaches turn to ruthless tide
There’s a new motel in town
It’s called the end of broken dreams
There’s a new place in town
It’s called the end of broken dreams
Out of the blue my name is fear
And I’ll haunt you if I care
Out of this world my game is clear
And I’ll catch you if I dare
But there is no time for me to stay
Maybe it’s time to ride the ray
Maybe tomorrow never comes
Crawling lizards in the sun
Do we part like fallen leaves
Like the dark waves of the sea
Traveling like driftwood through our lives
Glad I’m here with you tonight
With a glass of broken dreams
Listening to Marquee Moon all night
There’s a train leaving tonight
But I ain’t gonna pack my things
A strange kind of sunrise
At the end of broken dreams
Out of the blue my name is fear
And I’ll haunt you if I cared
Out of this world my game is clear
And I’ll catch you if I dare
But there is no time for me to stay
Maybe it’s time to ride the ray
Maybe tomorrow never comes
Crawling lizards in the sun
I woke up this morning,went to the kitchen and made a coffee.I sat in front of my pc and I started watching videos on youtube,smoking and trying to kill time.Most of the time I wasn’t paying any attention to these videos.I was thinking.Thinking about my life and the world.
I spent most of my life in this empty house (I’ve been living here since I left my parents’ house when I was 20 years old).Alone.I haven’t got any purpose or any goals to reach.I’ve saved some money,so I don’t have to work for now.But I know that I’ll have to find a job.Working is a nightmare.I don’t see any point in any job.Most of the jobs I’ve worked didn’t mean anything to me.I couldn’t stand them and I couldn’t stand my co-workers.Usually I was silent,I never started a conversation with them.I knew (and I know) that I didn’t (and I don’t) fit in.I didn’t care about their interests or their problems.I quited most of these jobs.
I thought to call some friends and go out,but I didn’t.If I go out with them I’ll have to pretend that everything’s fine.I’ll have to force myself to be social and I can’t do that.If I tell them about my problems,they’ll tell me to go to a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist.I’ve talked to two of them about my situation and they gave me this exact advice: go to a therapist.The problem is that I don’t believe in psychology.It’s not because I’m a religious person,in fact I don’t believe in any god.I don’t believe in psychology or psychiatry because I think it’s a scum.They drug you and they brainwash you to be social,to be like you ”ought” to be.The try to make you construct a false reality,a lie,and to live inside it as ”normal” people do.
The problem,as I see it,isn’t the fact that I don’t have a good job,or that I don’t want to be social.The problem is that I live.Life itself is the problem.Life with its pain,its deceases,its misery and the upcoming death.This life which is never static and always changing.The moments pass with no purpose,with no value at all.Nothing matters.Happiness is just an idea,a myth.Happy are the people that don’t want to see the emptiness of life.Life itself is empty and we try in vain to fill it.Existence itself is tragic.
I know that these thoughts are the cause of my depression and the pain I feel.I have headaches and body pains.Sometimes I have panic attacks and a lot of times I cry.I am an extreme pessimist and I know it.That’s why I never did and I’ll never do anything in my life.But what can I do?That’s the way I think and I can’t change it.There were times that I tried to be like the others,to be social,to be friendly.But either I couldn’t do it or I failed completely.How can I be social when I can’t even be with myself?That’s why I tried to kill myself.Twice.And I failed.There’s nothing worse than the way you feel if you know that you can’t kill yourself.
When I get bored, I try to find something to do.I try to read a book,listen to music or watch a movie,but in the end I give up.I can’t find anything appealing.When I get extremely bored,I take my car and I go to remote places,standing there alone thinking about how worthless my life is.Once, I went up to a mountain near the town where I live and I came up to a stray dog.It came close to me,waving its tail.I started crying.I knew that this dog was happier than me.I knew that this dog had a better life than me.I envy it.I wish I was a stray dog,wandering around with no worries.
I know that there are people with bigger problems and they try hard to continue their lives.They have this strength,this will to live and,I have to admit it,I admire them.But I can’t be this way.I’m weak.I’ve always been weak.Only the strong survive.Strong not in a physical way,but in a mental one.The true survivors are those that can think in a way that keeps them living.I can’t do that.
Nothing will change for me,things will never get better.I’ll have to accept the fact that I’ll live in this kind of hell until the day I die.I’ll be struggling with my problems,hoping to find the strength to kill myself.I’ll have to accept the fact that I don’t belong anywhere and I can’t even stand myself.I’ll have to accept that I can’t escape this reality and I can’t escape myself.
So here I am now,still in front of my pc,with nowhere to go and nothing to do,just waiting to die…
The ant
(a talentless short story inspired by Franz Kafka’s works)
The whole ant colony was happy. A new ant, a new worker, has risen out of its larva and they’ve given it a name: T.
Ant T was growing up, learning how to search for food, how to carry seeds, how to dig, how to be protected from the rain, how to live like an ant. Everyday it was doing what other ants were doing. All the ants seemed happy, but ant T wasn’t happy at all. It was spending more and more time in its small cavity. It didn’t care at all about work. It had realized that this small hole in the ground was its sanctuary and its prison. So, one day, ant T decided to leave the colony. It came out of the hole and started walking.
It walked for a long time, passed many plants and many other insects, until it came across some huge gigantic beings. It had heard about them from the other ants· they called them ”humans”. Ant T started walking again, very carefully, because it didn’t want to be crushed by these beings. After some time it came to a big black surface. T had also heard about this black thing· the other ants called it ”road”. It decided to cross the road and continue its journey. It started walking, but suddenly it felt the ground trembling and heard an unbearable loud noise. Ant T tried to continue walking. At the end, it was crushed by a car.
The most important thing in life is confort. Material and also “spiritual” , I mean like being at peace with yourself. That is the most important thing.
I started to think very nihilistic lately . I feel like I am losing my mind. It seems that most human toughts and emotions are chemical reactions in the brain to make you see life in sunshines and rainbows for maintaing your survival plus passing on the genetic code by the means of reproduction.
I was in top shape last year, I and I was being able to fuck any girl I wanted because of my looks and phisique.I think a lot of people will kill to look like me and I am thinking about the meaning of the universe and the afterlife lel. I think about those things because I find this fucking human extincence so fucking complex but also in some way meaningless. I feel like I have all the answers. Some celebrities commit suicide because they had everything and got bored. Even I, I felt so good last year that I’ve said, omg life is so beautiful! but then my fucking idiotic brain started the toughts again and said now what? WE NEED TO PUT SOME QUESTIONS HAHAHA! I am not an atheist, still there are many proofs of evolution and no continuation for consciousness after death. Also there are proofs for “someone” that created all this shit because life can be so beautiful if you know how to live it . But I’ve started to be a little more crazy lately because of my intelligence..I lived for 20 years and I had somehow things to make me happy. Somehow, I feel bad for having things and others are starving on the streets.
You will never find and answer and when answers are found people will start to off themselves because they know everything. I feel like alredy know everything and whatever I do I will never get rid of this hell which is my mind. If there is nothing after death why not off yourself?
An advice for anyone lost here. I am a lost cause but I will tell you what someone told me-” Costy, I can’t explain you how we appeared, I can’t explain you where are we going. You have only two choices, to be happy or to be sad/depressed/toughtfull etc.”
There are so many facts for evolution but human emotions are so fucking intense that they can also be implanted by “something” that is beyond us. I feel like I did everything and know everything. And after I die some people will laugh and some will cry. The ones who will cry are my parents and relatives and the other ones are the other people who will say wtf was his problem? Fucking atheism and nihilism and stupid feeble human mind…
Alienation.
The word that I believe best sums up my state of mind as well as any other. I wish I could just feel something- anything.Even anger would be good, but even that eludes me.
I don’t suffer from mood swings, I seem to lack the depressive despair evident in some of the other posters I see on this website, although I feel that I can strongly relate to some of the other posts I see here. I’m not upset about a breakup with my girlfriend of the loss of the of a job- I’ve never had the former to lose and I have managed to hold on to the latter. I am in reasonable, though not ,shape and am not disabled in the physical sense.
By all accounts, I feel like I should be happy. You know, “live life to the fullest,” “you only live once” and all the rest of that self actualizing bullshit.
I can’t say I’m completely and utterly friendless, but my social life is severely lacking. No one ever calls to invite me out, or wants to associate with me outside of the institutional settings of work and college. When to look back at my life over the last 10 years or so, one theme that consistently pops out at me is the fact that I am so isolated. How many thousands of hours have I spent, just sitting alone in my room browsing the internet, just as I am now, feeling constantly dissatisfied with my life. However, unlike those Christian hermits you hear about who isolate themselves in order to get ‘closer to god’, the only revelation I’ve had relates to how shitty & lonely my life is, and the realization that it will never get better.
I’ve lost count of the amount of times that I’ve thought of killing myself. Tried several times as well. I remember at 19, after losing my first full time job and attempting to jump in front of a train. It was an impulsive & ill considered attempt. Needless to say, the driver managed to break in time and I ran off.
Another time, I had an Niktsche style “exit kit” at the ready, but lacked the will to use it.
A third attempt involved the “detergent method” and a small hatch backed car. I had an experience extremely similar to that of the other commenter “bookend” in another post, sans the hallucinations. Let me just say that “slaughterhouse sledgehammer” is a pretty apt description of the sudden onset of unconsciousness that is caused by the gas produced from this reaction. If I’d actually been serious about this attempt & not panicked as I began to feel dizzy, I reckon I’d be either a vegetable or a pile of ashes in an urn on someone’s mantlepiece right now.
I am proud to say that I haven’t received any medical attention ensuing from these attempts one of my worst fears if being sectioned under some sort of mental health legislation. I’m also a 100 believer in the concept of “rational suicide,” although this concept isn’t applicable to all of my tempts.
I often hear talk from “suicide experts” in the MSM, who will insist that most suicide attempts are impulsive, that 90% of suicides can be attributed to “Mental illness ” ( VERY broadly defined) and that most people who attempt suicide come to regret it later. I don’t think that this is very much relevant to me, as it implies that all mental illness is treatable (which isn’t really the case for me) and the fact that the only thing I really regret about my attempts is that they didn’t work as attended.
P.S hope I didn’t breach site policy in discussing these methods. Also, the email address is fake and I am using a proxy to post this. Is there any chance of this post being traced back to me?
This is a journal entry that I wrote on the night of my 18th birthday a little more than a year ago. Recently I revisited it and I wanted to share it with you, both to hear your thoughts and to reaffirm my own. Here it is:
I’ve been thinking a lot about depression and by extension suicide lately. I’m not thinking of planing my own death (or rather carrying out the plans that I’ve already made). I’m just trying to think about it on an intellectual level. This is difficult because Suicide and depression are matters of emotion but I though I would try anyway. I was re-reading some old things I’d written about the nature of emotion (specifically my own) and found documentation of my own depression. A feeling of loneliness and determination that overshadowed everything I wrote.
It is customary for those who are depressed or suicidal to feel disconnected, alone and even invisible. It is this feeling of alienation that leaves a person feeling hopeless but unable or unwilling to reach out for help and connection. Thoughts like “nobody cares”, “no one loves me” and “no one would notice if I disappeared” preceded thoughts and plans of suicide.
Depression is considered a disease. It is also however, a phase, one that repeats in peoples lives with slightly different manifestations, causes and effects. This I feel, is the natural progression of human thought, connection and understanding. Everyone feels alone, lost and depressed at some point.
Suicide, people say is an entirely different matter. I disagree. We humans spend so much time fixating on life (how one should live, what a gift life is and what life means anyway) that it is only logical that we balance out this obsession with at least a few thoughts about our death. For most of us, most of the time, this means a morbid curiosity and a healthy fear centered around the event that is the last moment of life. Things like the after life, Heaven and Hell are used to battle that horrible idea that this stretch of 100 years (if you’re lucky) is it and that once we expire there is nothing. I have found, in my experience, that emptiness or nothingness is one of the scariest things out there.
When thoughts of death turn into thoughts of Suicide, the amount of nothingness in life has outweighed the amount of substance. This leads to lethargy and lack of will or feeling. Eventually one reaches the point there they truly believe that “nothing matters”. From there, emptiness eats away at a person until it seems like death is a worthy and preferable escape from the numb, hollow feeling that has replaced the vibrancy of life. In this way, I say that Suicide is also natural. Necessary? no. Understandable? yes. Whether or not one goes through with the though, I believe that everyone has a stretch of time, a moment, a day, a year, where they thing about ending their life. Many never act on this feeling and for that they are brave. The people who do choose to act are equally courageous because they have chosen to brave the unknown state that is death.
This brings me to my next question: What makes some people commit suicide and others soldier on? I have felt the emptiness of life and the hopelessness of depression and yet I am still here. My friend is not. I drafted suicide notes, carefully planned my death and then walked away choosing instead to fight my way back to happiness. My friend left neither note nor reason and hung himself on a beautiful day in the fall when he got back from school. He was 1 year older, incredibly talented and had a loving, supportive family and a dedicated twin brother. What made us different? Why did he choose to die and I choose to live? These are questions that I can only wish I new the answers to. I wish I knew so that I could help others who feel as hopeless as I once felt (and sometimes still do feel). I wish I could help make depression and suicide a better understood part of human life. But mostly my reason is selfish: I want to understand my choice and why I made it. I want to know why I chose to live, a choice that I have sometimes found myself regretting but that I still cling to. I will probably never know.
Soooo…. there it is! Sorry it’s so long. I would love to hear your thoughts.
then free I will be
death is the most beautiful thing that can happen to anyone who doesn’t accept this world the way it is
to anyone who doesn’t want to play by dirty rules
to anyone who wants to be him/herself without paying the price for it (hostile behavior from the sheeple, feelings of alienation, homelessness etc)
to anyone who doesn’t want to serve humanity nor God
to anyone who doesn’t want to be talked or drugged into enjoying being here
to anyone who’s eager to no longer be a part of the human species
to anyone who desires to be free above anything else
so yeah, FUCK your pro-life arguments .. death is the real deal
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