i don’t know what to write here. i just feel bad. angry, bitter, the works. nothing makes me happy these days. i’ve fallen back on a lot of old, terrible habits. i’ve gained more weight from binge eating. i’m stressed because the weather is getting warmer, but i have new scars littering my arm that prevent me from wearing short sleeves. my brother still hates me. my best friend doesn’t feel like a friend anymore. i majorly fucked up my gpa and my standing in school, which means my chances of transferring to another university, never mind a good one, have become incredibly slim. my father is going to be so irate when he learns i failed to transfer. if i leave this house, i have nowhere to go. i don’t want to live with my dad. being around him makes me so suicidal. he makes me feel like a worthless piece of trash, like my only reason for existence is to please him and make him look good. but i can’t stay here too much longer. my brother only hates me more and more as time goes on. i’m so tired of tiptoeing around him to make sure he doesn’t get angry at me, not that he’s not always angry anyway. he’s just like our dad. i’m not good at anything, even easy things, so i have no idea what to major in. it’s hard to plan and envision my future when suicide is constantly on my mind. what’s the point of agonizing over a career when i’m going to kill myself anyway? what’s the point of anything.
but i’m so afraid of pain. i don’t want to spend my last few moments in agony as the breath leaves my body. i have many means to kill myself, but none of the courage. i wish i had just finished the job at age 14 instead of panicking midway and giving up. i could have spared everyone 7 years of my bullshit. i’m so sorry i’m alive.