Hii… My name is Arianna, yesterday I posted on here that I tried to overdose… I did try, but fortunately it did not kill me.. I’ve been vomiting for 2 hours now.. Idk what I took, all I know it had 600 milligrams (is it milligrams or am I just dumb?) for each pill. I took 30, at the least… I did not go to the hospital and yes my parents found out.. I had told them I was bisexual and that I selfharm.. We didn’t go to the hospital because my mom thought she would lose her job ._. My mom told me that selfharming is cowardly and is showing that I’m not strong… Personally I took that offensively, because I don’t think selfharm is cowardly… It’s just a way to cope with feelings that you can’t necessarily put into words…. I was heading off to bed and told my mom I loved her… All she said is “Really?! Because you have a weird way of showing it.” Anyways… I threw away all of my blades away.. Yes, I’m going to try and stop selfharming…. And yes I’m recovering fine from the pill overdosage thing.. I’m not leaving anytime soon.. Not when I’m with someone who would of took his life if I took mine.. Thank you. Goodnight y’all. Feel free to hmu on kik.. Arianna_Newton
When I was younger, I was also a lot happier, because I had no worries about what could happen next, I never thought that not paying attention in class leads me to being really dumb and unable to graduate and therefore find a job. Even if I do, for what? So I can just keep paying stupid bills and doing the absolute same thing every day just so I can live?
Every single stupid decision I ever made my life harder every passing day. Every single fucking one of them, I regret them and there’s no way I can go back and change them, it’s just too late, too late to say sorry to that one person who actually cared for me, too late to actually study and have a chance of having success in life, too late…
If everything in my life is so shit and so unfix-able, then why is it so hard for me to end it, why is it so hard for me to just jump off that one tall building, why is it so hard to just cut myself until I bleed to death, knowing it would just end it all and stop this struggle? Because there might be something way worse in the afterlife, because my next life (if it exists) will be even more shit? WHY?
oh lord, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore
I got way too drunk last night because I haven’t been able to eat anything all week. Only had a few drinks but I was still stumbling
party hopped across the city, ended up a drunk crying mascara and nose running whimpering mess in my (extremely recently) ex boyfriend’s roommates room with amazing and way too nice friends holding me. broke down because I found out he had taken a girl home last night even though we broke up less than a week ago (1.5 year relationship, pretty long time for a 21 year old)
took my friend home, stumbled into MY roommate’s room crying (second night in a row. just trying to be consistent here) sat there for a few minutes, locked myself in my room with a knife. i bled on the beautiful white sheets that my mom bought me. I haven’t cut in years and I woke up (still drunk) to see a long line all the way down my forearm. i was going for my vein. i wanted to bleed
I didn’t do it because he broke up with me, I’m not that kind of crazy, I’m the kind of crazy that has been depressed for years and years and years and finally thought she was getting better and finally was truly excited about life and not just trying to trick herself into believing she was excited. I did it because I never came to terms with losing my dad when I was 13 and being raped at 19 and because I hate how I have all these sweet caring friends who just want to help and be there for me and how my mom sent me flowers when she heard about the breakup and I just want everyone to stop spending money on me and stop spending emotions and energy on me I feel so bad. this post is almost as much of a mess as I am sorry about that usually I feel like a graceful writer. but I’m still shaking from a long run this morning and the blood on my sheets and I didn’t know where else to turn and I want to help all of you beautiful souls get through the day but i realized i don’t even know how to survive the next hour.
skimming through the last few paragraphs I feel even guiltier because I know from reading some of your stories that you have been trekking through literal hell and I’m just a privileged selfish potentially narcissistic white girl who can’t figure out how to behave like a fucking normal rational healthy person and who can’t get over things that happened almost a decade ago. I feel like I’m burning through my parent’s money being at college and I’m praying that I make it through my major and get a well paying job so I can give back to them because they’ve given me so much i need to get out of bed and get to the library to study but I am so weak and dizzy and I can’t get the fucking quinoa down my throat I tried calling emergency after hours mental health services last night but I got scared and hung up the phone while I was being transferred to a counselor
my mom had so many miscarriages before she was able to have me. so sorry you’re stuck with me and not one of the other ones.
sorry SP for this rambling stream-of-conciousness mess. I think I just needed to say some of this and wasn’t sure where else to turn. You are amazing people. You are so strong. You support each other through the hardest of times. You look out for each other. I want you to know that I read your posts and they touch my heart and I want to reach out to every single one of you and give you a hug or a sympathetic ear or a drink, whichever helps you. I want to be there for you. thinking about all of you.
guess it’s long sleeves for a while.
I feel that friendship is more fragile and more important compared to a relationship. I don’t know, but it’s like whenever my friends suddenly act cold, it hurts so fucking bad I just add a few more cuts just to be able to feel. Fucking hell it makes no sense.
Honestly, it really fucking terrifies my how much of a hold this person has over me. All she has to do is say a word, and I think I’ll just fucking crumble. She’s not even the person I’m in a relationship with. But I’d rather lose him than her. It’s really difficult and just tiring to try and stop myself from doing something to chase her away. I really couldn’t stand it if she hated me.
Sometimes when I feel like I’ve said something wrong and she goes all quiet, it just makes me hate myself all the more. She’s done this before last year. She was really close with me, and then suddenly the cold shoulder came for roughly 3/4 of the year. This time she’s gotten really close again, just after I’d gotten over the fact that I’d lost her.
Now I’m just afraid she’ll up and leave when I’m no longer needed.
It’s just kinda scary, and this lack of control just makes me want to cut more.
I’ll be honest i don’t like being on this site. Don’t get me wrong it isn’t you guys its just i rather not feel the need to post. I’m sure that you all can relate. No one wants to live in depression. That said I come back because I have these moments of pure depression. I try to tell myself in these moments i should accept that I feel this way and stop beating myself up for being beaten by life. I work all but 1 day in a culture full of depression triggers. This feeling is as natural as getting sick from a peanut allergy after unwittingly eating peanuts. It happens…. but at this moment i feel like setting myself on fire and jumping out of a building. I’m tired of being fat ugly poor alone and unnecessary. Im tired of doing all i can to change these things to no avail. Im tired of giving up just to fight my way back to square one.
So why continue? I’ve heard all the bullshit in many many years of treatment, but the truth is, it really does only get worse. At least when your brain hates you. If I’ve already lived as much as I can given the circumstances, why would I keep going only to experience pain. Those rare moments of fleeting pleasure? That’s not enough. I don’t really feel it anyways. I can play the part, act like I’m enjoying myself, but in the end, I’m empty inside, and theres nothing that can fill it. I’ve made it before, gotten exactly what I thought I needed to make me happy, only to realize that the pursuit was better then the results, and once there, I’m just as empty as I was before. All life is is distraction. Distraction from the shit we have to deal with all day. Were born alone, and we die alone, and once you’re gone, nothing you’ve done matters. Our lifespan as a species is for an finite amount of time.
I don’t even want to try anymore, I’m so tired of making progress only to have the rug pulled out from under me. I’m tired of looming homelessness over my head every day. I’m tired of my family hating me. I’m tired of never having anything to look forward too. I’m tired of losing people and places and things that were important to me. I’m just tired of living. Too weak to live, too strong to die, why would I even try.
Sorry about my disjointed ramblings, it’s been a really bad day and I just want to drop and stop. I’m going to treatment soon. Whats a few more months of my life in an institution. Ill try my best to wait until after that to make any concrete decisions, but the urge just gets stronger and I just get more and more sure as the months roll by.
My days are usually awful.
Today is one of those days.
Can anybody hear me? It doesn’t seem like it. It doesn’t seem like anyone cares. I need someone.
My friends don’t understand being diagnosed with depression. They dismiss the fact that I’m on medication and just tell me to “snap out of it” and “stop being so sad” and “choose to be more positive.”
Are you kidding me?
Every day is a struggle. Every day I just want to disappear.
The worst part is that everyone thinks that just because I don’t have anything really wrong in my life, I cannot be depressed. But that’s not how it works. Depression can hit anyone no matter what the circumstances are.
I just wish the people around me understood that.
I fucked up really bad. I messed up my presentation. I had a panic attack in class. It was so embarrassing.
I had to leave school early. I was sent home so I can pull myself together. I have an exam tomorrow. I don’t know how I’ll make it through that.
When I got home to tell my parents I had a terrible day, that I couldn’t concentrate in class, my father threw a fit.
He told me, I don’t have the right to feel terrible. All of the problems in my family are because of me. I don’t have the right to say things are hard for me. If I want to quit school, I should just do it already, and stop whinning.
My brother died because of me. It would have been better if I were the one to die. Why don’t I just die already? He is tired of all the problems I have been causing for him.
He can’t wait to bury me. He already has a casket picked out for me. I should just die already.
I can’t sleep. I have school tomorrow and this horrible case of insomnia.
The only reason I’m still here is because of my mother.
I get this strong sensation quite often. An emptiness of positivism, a desperation, and a need to hide and stop thinking and feeling. Several things trigger it. But very few can make it disappear, and those are never the same. Like if the damaged part of me is always defeating the one that is trying to feel better. Little victories that wont sum up. You see, it’s as if I wanted the damaged part to win, but then I don’t know where the other one comes from. So the reality is the fighting one is stronger than I thought. But this battle is taking away my calm. I am moody all the time, so I want to be alone, but then again I am needy and hopping to be with someone so much, that I end up scarying friends and boys and family. So I got to be alone, and I feel some relief, at the same time that I feel bad and sad and useless. I can’t concentrate on anything. I am my worst enemy, and I need to find an end to this… and then again there is that fighting little despicable part of me that won’t heal me but that won’t let me find any peace. I feel hopeless, and angry and sad.
I think some things are triggers. Sports for example. I used to love riding, and I still do, but trips to see my horses and traveling to shows have resulted in suicidal thoughts. I keep thinking about how I would do it. Some days, I don’t think I could stand by the train tracks and stop myself from jumping in front of the incoming train. There is only one thing that keeps me from doing this: my horses. I can’t stop imagining the look on Prince’s face when my parents tell him I’m not coming any more. He won’t get anymore cookies from me. He wouldn’t understand, but in a way he would. He’s smart enough to recognize my absence. My other horse would notice as well. At this point, I couldn’t careless about my parents’ reaction. My friends would be shocked. How could a “straight A student” with a bright future and an amazing talent for riding just decide to commit suicide? My barn “friends” would be overjoyed. Surprised, of course, but happy all the same. I don’t think my teachers would understand. I’ve become so good at hiding my true feelings and wearing a mask of happiness at school. Everyday, I become an actor. I can’t see myself graduating or getting the job of my dreams. I lie to my parents, but they don’t understand anyways. I can’t remove the mask anymore. I can’t control my thoughts about suicide or depression. I have no control over anything.
Progress is hard to really acknowledge, because its hard to measure. Some days i still want to give up, but I’m coping with it better and actually beginning to deal with things in a healthy way.
There have been many things in my life at the moment which I’ve been tempted to quit and stop, I’ve felt like i don’t have the energy or motivation. I forced myself to continue my ‘hobbies’ and every time I’m glad i didn’t stop because it helps and makes me happy.
The night is the hardest, everything runs through my head and i struggle, i can’t sleep and when i do i wake up over and over but I’m dealing with it and moving forward, i think thats the way to make progress, just keep moving forward and hope for the best.
I’m a really shitty person. I don’t feel like I’m salvagable at this point. There isn’t a future version of me that should be able to be happy. Some people really should just die, and I feel like I’m one of them.
I don’t want to die. But it feels right, to a part of me. By continuing to live, I’m resisting the recognition of who I really am, and what should happen to me. I’m making the world worse, just by continuing to be in it.
The thought of a world without me in it is appealing, even though I wouldn’t be around to enjoy it. To not be this compromised, contaminated thing, trailing my self-inflicted misery behind me. To submit to my guilt, and stop living this lie. To conform to the emotional truth.
I lost my job of almost twenty years today. I don’t have a degree, any skills, a really low IQ, and health problems. I made a pact with myself a long time ago that if this happened, it would be the last straw. I would need to stop being a baby and take my own life. People have been reaching out to me lately, but good people never consider maybe this person had plenty of chances and fucked them all up. Maybe it’s time to admit that I’m a mistake and stop burdening the world. Those people will get over it if I go. They’ll think of me from time to time because they’re good people, but they’ll be okay. I’m just tired of this.
I fucking hate sundays. Well I fucking hate that sundays have to end cause I really hate mondays.
I have a lot of papers to do and I should have delivered one of them this weekend. I’m lost. My mind isn’t working and I’m having a lot of anxiety right now. I’m so sick of this. Fuck you universe, just kill me already and stop fucking with me.
Fuck the sundays and the mondays what I really hate is myself.
I hate you little piece of shit. Always sad, always anxious. You have a awesome life why can’t you enjoy it.
And stop crying. Just go make your assignment. Stop ruining your life.
I’m trying but I can’t right now. I’m too weak. I’m sorry.
i guess it’ve been a while since i last posted you know ..
i’ve been away in trying to reach the one inside of me , my soul , my inner thoughts and such stuff looking for inside peace … im not saying i’ve reached it though ! jaja ..
all i got to these weeks is that i am really beautiful somehow .. and to always remind myself to love it ..
when i ever don’t know what to do ,, i’d just do nothing .. stick up to good thoughts , enjoy everything that i could .. and i don’t know i’ll maybe start doing some exercises .
you know something , NEVER TRUST A ***** and life is such one of those .
and the most fucked up thing that you can remember everything , but other people hardly can remember that they went though you , hardly can remember that you were in their life ones .. there is always sadness and shit all around where ever i look but trying to use ignoreness and stupidness in my way out of shit , if i cant be smart and happy i will be dump and happy , otherwise its better to be stupid you know and stop thinking anymore , it feels like eat , drink , smoke , have sex , i guess its the most of this life , and somehow never forget about god or karma or what ever we can hold on to to be safe ,, somehow you know in SCARY MOVE they write SAFETY and DEATH and the actors always goes to the DEATH turn , but the director saves them .. i guess i’ll stop taking shit i can’t even understand what the hell im writing .. so that’s it for now i guess
hope you all doing fine guys
To this day i always tell me people i love being alone
And it’s true. I do like being alone.
But everyone confuses it with lonliness and i cant stand feeling lonely.
There is no actual point anymore for me.
I have 0 interest in anything anymore.
Ive tried to engage yself in so many activies and trying to do more hobbies but nothing catches me. Nor does the depression help.
I am a hopeless case
I dont want my life to be saved nor am i asking for help when i write this.
I just want to die and stop the pointlessness of what my life is.
Every single day for the past half year i’ve been thinking of suicide.
Ive talked to friends but they really just dont understand. There are parts of me no friend want to understand.
I’m mentally ill somewhat.
Nothing crazy, i’m just extremely self centered and believe the world should bow at my feet, i’m a tad bit paranoid.
I also hate myself more than anything
Being a meglomanic and hating yourself is a fucking nightmare.
Its like having social anxiety and being the life of a party.
Mentally i will always believe i deserve the best and nothing is going to change that.
Emotionally, i’m lost and barely feel anything anymore
I just feel alone. I’m too scared to end my life. I just want it to end.
I’ll keep this short.
I’m 36 male been suffering with stress and anxiety for a couple of years. Drove my wife and two kids away that I love very much about two months ago.
Been having counselling for a while and been on propanalol which doesn’t seem to help.
I don’t want to die but neither do I want to love this new life.
My wife says she loves me but doesn’t want to try and work things out. I have been a bit manic trying to get her back. She meets me now and then but only to be friends and have the kids together.
I have tried suicide on numerous occasions but get scared or too much pain and stop.
What also stops me is thought of leaving my kids and also probably false hope we will get back together.
When I ask my wife if she wants a divorce she says not at the moment and not to push her either way. This then gives me hope which I’m not sure is real or false.
I’m sick of the pain and just want my family back.
I’m not sure if I’m paranoid also as she is guarded when using her phone near me and quickly stopped texting yesterday when I approached and put her phone in her pocket! Is she seeing someone else.
My options as I see them.
1 hang in there give my wife space and show her we can be friends and I’m on the mend in the hope we will be together.
2 stop kidding myself accept its over live with the pain forever for the sake of my kids
3 take this life away
Thoughts on this or help on how I can control my feelings greatly appreciated.
My mind isn’t always the happiest of places, even when I try to stay positive. I literally spend my days skipping around, humming happy songs, telling people “everything is great!” telling people to stay strong.
By the time everyone is in bed though, I feel rather hypocritical.
My mind barely lets me rest, it reminds me of everything happening; everything that has happened in the past. Even with all the time that has passed, things still get to me. They’re like little demons just trying to tear me apart from the inside out.
I think of what my cousin did, and have to get up and take an extra shower even if I had one just that morning. I think of what my neighbor did, and I jump every time a truck passes my house. I close my eyes, and I can see it all unfolding in front of me, and it makes me feel sick.
On top of that, my favorite people just up and stop talking to me… I know that’s probably something stupid but, it just bothers me. We’ll be talking, then they don’t reply for hours and hours, sometimes even a few days…
It makes me panic “What did I do wrong?” “How could I have not messed up?” “Oh they hate me, I bet they hate me”
And it goes on until I hear back and it’s really silly and selfish of me. I realize this. but it happens…
I just really don’t like my mind past a certain time.
If you’ve ever watched Rick and Morty there’s an episode about these Meeseeks which are kind of like a genie. they exist long enough to complete their task, and once they have completed it they just POOF! However, in this episode they are faced with a task to hard to complete meaning they are existing longer than normal and its very painful for them. they want to complete it as soon as possible so that they can “poof” and stop existing. Well I feel like a Meeseeks, I have existed too long and just want to vanish. living hurts, I don’t feel like I was meant to keep living for so long and I need to go.