Living is suffering for me. I know some would say that I should feel like I have a great life. But they are only saying that because of my material objects.
They don’t know that I stay up late at night, crying because I have to hide so much of myself. My family is Christians, and they make fun of gays. It’s so hard due to the fact that I am a bisexual atheist. And it’s not like I have the courage to just tell them.
I don’t know exactly how long I’ve been depressed, but I noticed some notes of mine dating back to around 5 years ago. I was fucking ten then! How the fuck does a ‘happy-go-lucky’ 10 year old suddenly lose her happiness?
How does she forget the feeling of joy? How does she only know the ache, the sadness, the self-hate? A ten year old for fuck’s sake.
I honestly don’t know how this happened. I lost my best friend because she got popular. My two other friends betrayed me by telling me to leave them alone for no exact reason.
My siblings avoid me or yell at me. My parents don’t hug me (even though they hug my siblings), and they don’t tell me they love me anymore.
I honestly think that no one loves me. And it’s not like I can just find someone that will like me for me. I am like both sides of a coin.
I can be nice and sweet, or I could be pissed, and take it out on you. I love romance, but I would like the couple to go through pain to reach their happiness.
There is so much to me, but I don’t have the energy to try anymore. I just wish to die.
I have cut before. A little on my arm, but mostly on my thighs. I mean, people always get suspicious when someone always wears long sleeves, so I cut in a more secret place.
I wear long shorts so people won’t notice or get suspicious. I have no idea once our pool is open though. I guess I’ll just have to use water-proof concealer or be the first in and out.
There are many 3″ cuts, one 5″-6″ cut, and the words ‘I Hate Myself’ written in scars on my legs.
I considered stopping cutting for the summer, but my anguish started building up, so I knew I couldn’t do it. So, I found that cutting the underside of my chest works. I cut a heart with an ‘X’ through it.
I’m sorry if I did this posting thing wrong. It’s my first time writing something like this. And I’m also sorry for rambling on with my problems. I know many of you actually have a reason for being like this, so please excuse this whiny liitle girl.