I’m eighteen, I’m a senior in high school, and I’ve attended four different high schools, one for each year essentially. I’ve suffered from depression since I was eleven (due to childhood abuse), and during the beginning of my sophomore year, I suffered from my first severe flash back starting my downward spiral of PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder. During the fourteenth week of school that year, I was admitted into a private mental health facility for inpatient treatment. I was there for eight days, and right afterwards, I attended iOP which is intensive outpatient; it lasted for six weeks. So I was gone from school for seven weeks, and during that time it was in between semesters, where even though I was in the hospital, my school refused to give me my schoolwork, tests, and midterm exams (I attended an alternative school in iOP). I failed. Every single class. English 2, Geometry, World History, Chemistry, Band. I failed them all. I was in a mental hospital, my school refused to give the hospital and my mom the work for me to complete, and I failed. My GPA at this point went from a 3.4 to a 1.8. Now, I’m sitting on only needing two more credits to graduate (Algebra 2 and Economics), and I am failing everything but Algebra and Band, and my principal is saying that he won’t give me my diploma unless I’m passing everything. It really sucks too because I’m in the midst of a depression episode and I don’t have motivation to do anything. I don’t know what I should do. I’m so fucking overwhelmed and I’m starting to have mild suicidal thoughts again. I told the dean of students the other day that I’ve been skipping class because I’ve been having panic attacks. I get ISS. My principal told me today he doesn’t understand how I’m failing art classes (I’m in three art classes), but I have no motivation for art. It makes me angry. I’m burnt out from it. I’m suffering a creative block. I’m so fucking sick of my life. Nothing will ever work out. Everything just goes wrong for me.
Anxiety And Depression
So I’ve calmly explained to my family that my child needs to eat all day.
And then they wonder why I’m suddenly screaming full bore about how they need to eat.
It’s day 3 of them not having an appetite. It’s a fact toddlers do this but mine absolutely CANNOT do this.
They have failure to thrive and we’re in the closing stages of a child services investigation. I’ve successfully brought them home from foster care but our battle isn’t over. The state is going to continue harassing us, even after the case is closed.
I can’t afford my child losing any kind of weight. They have to eat and if it’s nothing but junk food so be it. I’ll fix their eating habits later. Our family dynamic depends largely on their weight.
I’m currently expecting another child because I’m going in the right direction but I could lose this child too if things suddenly go bad again.
I lost my child for 2 reasons. They have failure to thrive and I have mental illness.
After a decade of treatment I’ve learned to accept it and at this point doctors have literally told me I’ll never get better I can only manage symptoms.
So come postpartum I will lie about how I’m doing and pray to God my children grow at a normal rate. They need to stay with their parents. Foster care outcomes are terrible.
There’s a high possibility that I won’t make it through the depression aspects of postpartum if it’s bad again. I’m ok with that, especially if it means my kids can stay with their biological families.
I’m sure this raises the question “why have kids then?” as many of the readers here probably already bad days, months, and years come and go. Not trying at all to have the life I always wanted would most likely be more damaging then trying and struggling or completely failing.
My family made sure to remind me how my mental illness is a problem. In their eyes my child’s weight had no role it’s all my fault because I can’t get “better”.
I don’t know anymore. Maybe they are right. Maybe my problems are all because I’m “sick”. Maybe things will never get better for anybody near me until I’m gone. Maybe they’ve been right all along when they say my child would be better off in foster care.
I’m having Braxton Hicks or real contractions right now from being so upset. I can’t tell. I didn’t have normal labor with the first. Clearly I’m so messed up I hurt my kids before they’re born.
The nature of my job requires me to be somewhat social. Â This is quite a contradiction in the sense that when my anxiety and depression are at their highest, my desire — and ability — to be social is at the lowest. Â I spent most of the day today at a family reunion. Â It was totally exhausting being social for so long. Â Today it’s back to work after too short of a summer, facing what already suggests will be a long, long school year. Â This week will be hard because I will be forced to be social with my co-workers, repeatedly, over and over, through endless district and building meetings, in-services and such. Â It makes me tired to just think about it.
I have an appointment tonight with my therapist. Â I know what he wants to hear. Â After 20+ years of this, I know the drill. Â I know what a suicide assessment interview sounds like, and I know when one’s being done with me. Â I know he wants to hear that the thoughts of suicide are gone. Â That would not be true. Â I am worried about this school year. Â I have not started the year like this in many, many years. Â I feel trapped in a life that limits my ‘freedom’ to act out. Â Like I’ve said before, I don’t act out in the various ways I used to because I can’t risk ruining the ‘normalcy’ and ‘stability’ that I’ve developed. Â I have my child to think about. Â But, even though I can’t act on them, the urge to cut is there; the urge to drink wildly is there; the urge to just ‘go crazy’, to lose myself in insanity is there always.
I need to sleep; there is no napping today. I hate insomnia…
Can’t take it!! I feel like a constant failure all the time, everybody tells me that I’m great, that I’m awesome, brilliant, smart… My family loves me, my brother cares more about me that I do, my friends always bring me back up, but I just had lost it…
I suffer from anxiety and depression, I went to therapy when I used to cry every single time at any hour the second I got up my bed, it helped a little, but to be honest I never told her my truth feelings, then things at home got bad, my thoughts about family went from ‘amazing’ to ‘shit’ , I got sick thanks to a jerk, my grandpa got extremely bad, and I felt like shit… Again therapy helped a little but I continued hidding things from her.
Now I had a crash accident yesterday… I was driving, nothing bad happened but I feel so guilty, I could have hurt my brother or his partner… And although everyone is fine I can’t stop wishing to be dead… I really really hate this… It hurts to breathe, to waking up every morning and live a monotonous life, I hate that the only reason why I’m still here it’s cuz everyone wants me alive… But I’m too coward to kill myself and so I beg every night I don’t wake up in the morning…
I know I need help but no one really thinks I’m this bad… No one really takes me serious when I say that I want to die, and when they get worried I say I was joking cuz I feel stupid making them feel bad or sorry about me, and when I say that I’m depress no ones believes me, besides I don’t know how to tell my family that I don’t wanna be alive anymore, that I don’t care if they love me or they will miss me or anything… I just don’t wanna be here anymore!!! What’s the point??? I’m a big mess since I was 15… 10 years later I still haven’t gotten any better, I keep messing it up over and over again and I dot want to drag anyone into this mess anymore!
For some reason I feel like I’m alive to be everyone’s collection doll, and inside I just feel so empty, useless….
Life will be much better without me.
so I don’t know where to even start, I’m going to college this fall. I don’t know if Im excited or not about it… I don’t want to leave my family, I hate them at times and get in fights with them but I still think I will miss them a little even though I’ve been dying to get out for years cause I cant take all there shit. Im bi and I feel like that is going to stop me from making friends and I’m worried about that already. I have horrid anxiety and depression and so thats not helping at all. I haven’t really kept in touch with my high school friends because they had a lot of drama but I have talked to a few, but they all tend to stress me out because all I do when I hang out with them is listen and try to help them with ONLY their problems, I never say one word about myself. There is this one friend I have but I’m losing touch with her just like everyone else. There is nothing I can do about it either, she’s moving on in her life and she is actually happy and I am happy for her and I feel me without her is so much better for her… she wont have to deal with some random 18 year old shit.
There is just so much change happening in my life and usually I love change but there is all way to much at once and its fucking with my emotions, no one really understands when I explain it so I gave up on that.
Sorry for the rant but needed to get it out..
I have always struggled with anxiety and depression.
It started when I was 10, I had just started middle school.
I was Bullied. Badly.
Everyday after school I would rush out of the school and try SPRINT home so that the bullies wouldn’t catch me.
They usually did, And I usually went home physically and mentally abused.
I was depressed… but I NEVER thought about committing suicide.
It took a while but my parents finally noticed how depressed I was.
I went to counseling.
It helped, but It didn’t stop the bullies.
That February we moved cities to get me away.
My new school was much better.
I made friends, True Friends. I had my first Romance.
My 8th, 9th, and 10th grade years were the best of my life.
I was Happy.
But then this year, my 11th grade year, everything changed.
My friends, while still close, have other friends.
I was left to my own devices.
I am not the most accepting person.
I don’t put up with crap.
That’s what getting bullied taught me.
Other people don’t like it when I call them out for being rude, or for doing stupid things.
“*****” is a common nickname for me.
I get made fun of in all of my classes, and Online.
The few friends I have made have turned on me, but don’t explain why.
They tell me “Its Your Fault. Everything is your fault.”
I go over every situation, every conversation.
I feel confused, frustrated, anxious, and depressed.
I have good parents, and I am a good kid. Â I get in trouble like every other kid.
But my parents add to my confusion, frustration, anxiety, and depression.
In the past 3 months I have had more panic attacks than I can count.
I can’t stop crying.
I just want it to stop.
My best friend turned on me today. She didn’t even explain why. Just called me a “*****” then walked away.
I haven’t stopped crying.
It hurts. Feeling like this.
My chest feels like it is on fire.
And the worst part is That nobody really cares.
I have a stun gun. I have used it on my self several times.
I forget for a while after using it.
I suppose its my way of cutting.
but it doesn’t leave any real marks.
they fade quickly.
It hurts. I can’t keep feeling this.
I can’t keep getting told I am worthless.
I just want it to stop.
I’ve read a few stories of sexual abuses, and I can relate. I guess that’s a round about way of putting it. After finding myself with no place to live at eighteen, I joined the Marines. After boot camp, I married my high school sweetheart, who then had an affair with my neighbor while I was at work. Shortly after discovering that, while working through a law suit, I had to then work through no pay due for three months… Begging charities to put food on the table for my wife who was sleeping around behind my back.
I meet a new woman, who’s the love of my life. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted, someone I could respect and trust. Shortly after us marrying, she convinces me to leave the military, and we move to a home away from both of our families. It just so turns out that not only is the area economically depressed, it’s also known for prison releases and meth. To top it off, the love of my life, the woman who had been holding me together through diagnosed major anxiety and depression told me that she no longer loved me, and left. So now I am here alone, with no family, no friends, no wife, mental issues bordering on uncontrollable at times, and a trusty sidearm, good rope.
I told my second wife that I’d never love anyone else after her, that she had my last capacity for love. I guess I just didn’t understand at the time by what means I was willing to keep that promise. Wasted youth. Twenty four and down the tube.
Everytime i try to stop i fail…. i keep cutting. i’ll be clean for two weeks and then i do it again.. i have anxiety.. and depression. I like to cut sometimes… and bleed. sometimes i wonder if i just cut deep enough. and overdose on pills i’d have WHAT i WANT. … WHAT i neeed….. Maybe one day/… but up to now.. im at 4 pillss… strong pills.. all i need is to go far away…. isolate myself… and KILL MYSELF. . i truley love him as well….. but he doesnt know.
You are probably sitting alone thinking why me? Why is this happening to me? What did i do to deserve this? Am i being punished? WHY ME? I am Jojo Ladd and i suffer from severe anxiety and depression. Im currently on medication which only seems to be making things worse. I try to tell myself ‘things will get better’ but they never do. But i dont give up because im here for a reason and i had a shitty childhood for a reason and i had to hit rock bottom for a reason. I may not be perfect and have problems and scars but i’m me. And “Me” is beautiful and so ARE ALL OF YOU OTHERS struggling with suicide YOU ARE SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL and perfect to me.
I will be posting my story soon about everything ive been through and my coming out and accomplishments. Thank you for your time and reading this. -Jladd
I wish everyone saw themselves as beautiful. The world would be a better place. I wouldn’t beÂ anorexic.. I probably would not have social anxiety and depression I know my depression is not just because I think I’m fat and ugly but I think I would have gotten a lot better by now if I did not destroy myself with my own thoughts every day. Why does even matter to me so much. I hate when people give me attention I hate stares so why do I want to be beautiful and thin.
I’m not really sure how this is done so I suppose I’ll just go ahead and start off. (I apologize if it’s hard to follow.)
Uhm, well, I was actually raised relatively well, all things considered. Both parents were present, working, and in healthy condition. I was also the only child within the household.
Life was prettyÂ privileged, normal, but rather quiet, as everyone mainly kept to themselves in the household. There weren’t any major conflicts or fights, and alot of my time, along with my father, was spent on the Computer, whether it ranged from activities such as educational programs or games or whatever I used to do as a little kid. However, my dad had always been an introvert, and he always had kept to himself, having very few friends, but nonetheless, close. Along with being introverted, my father suffered from anxiety and depression, tried to take medication for it, but he said it didn’t really do much for him.Â In fact, depression was actuallyÂ hereditaryÂ within his side of the family, spanning from his mother, down to his sister, into him, and later on, into me. But I digress.
So, recently, on January 5th, 2012, my fatherÂ committedÂ suicide. I believe he shot himself with a .22, for those of you who were curious. Now, this whole incident started with my parents discussing about getting a divorce around Christmas Eve, my dad moving out of the House shortly afterwards into an apartment, and thenÂ committingÂ suicide in his apartment on the 5th. Incidentally, my birthday was about two weeks later; Oh and I’m sixteen years old. I have no doubt that this may come as a surprise to some, or it may be normal around this sort of site, I honestly have no idea.
But anyway, now that I have provided some background into myÂ dilemma, I’ll just get to my point of writing this in the first place. I… well… I hate myself. To put it bluntly. I absolutely, completely despise myself. I’m not exactly sure how to word it… Well, according to people who I consider “Friends”, although they’re more likeÂ acquaintances, I’m actually pretty funny, relatively smart, and a genuinely good person. However, I honestly see myself as terrible. Why? Well, I feel as though I am selfish because I desire attention to the point where It urks me and makes me groan in frustration. There are so many selfish things I desire to do, so desperately, while at the same time, I hate spending time with some of my closer friends, although I would rather try to get the attention of those who don’t matter… popular people, primarily on the internet. This leads into another thing, just like my dad, I spend alot of the time on my computer… whether it be Skype or whatever. I also like to Roleplay. Gah. I’m getting so off topic…
Anyhow… my point is… if anyone is still reading this… I just… I feel as though my mind is falling apart. Throughout my life I’ve always wanted to be recognized, to be acknowledged and known for my good deeds. I’ve tried to desperately to maintain myself, and to try and live a life of good… but the longer I keep up this… this… by now, almost an act, I start desiring more and more evil, becoming more selfish, becoming an angrier person overall… I just… I don’t understand myself. I don’t know what to do. Everyday now, I want to scream… I want someone to hold… someone to love… and… at the end of the day… if I can’t have these things… I’d much rather die.
I feel so cold, so abandoned, so misunderstood, that there’s no one there, no one here, and nearly everyone in my life has someone, whether it be a close friend or someone to love. Hell, my mom already has a damn boyfriend… Every day I feel more and more like I want to cry, like no one cares, and no one even can care, because no one can understand the predicament I’m in. Along with that, everyone that I’ve ever been with has either lied to me, left me, and cheated on me…
I simply don’t understand how people can simply compliment me, tell me I’m a good person, tell me I’m funny, smart, cute or whatever… yet, whenever it comes to relationships and things, I’m always the second priority, there’s always someone better than me, and all of my good traits are never enough to make anyone happy… let alone myself…
Also… I think really… really… logically. I’m an analytic. I suck at dealing with emotions and dealing with people, and common human touching, such as hugging and things of that nature. Hell, I haven’t even had a first kiss yet. I get chronic headaches, over think things, and always feel as though no one can understand me… I just… It gets so frustrating, and overwhelming… I need someone to talk to.
This is why I hurt.
This is why I hate living.
This is why I want to die.
Now, please, can someone help me? Does anyone understand what it’s like… in my position…? To beÂ privileged, to have everything and more than the next person could ever desire, yet still desire more and hate himself? Please… help me or forever hold your peace.
I am a dreamer, I admit. I am not always realistic. That’s a fact. I followed my dreams. I was never afraid to chase after the crazy ideas in my head. The processes has been painful. I have failed again and again, yet managed to slip by. I watch as my grades hit catastrophic lows and my social life deteriorates. All of my dreams are slipping through my fingers. Why can’t I do what everyone else can? I am intelligent. I am creative. I have endless possibilities. â€¦But that’s all they’ll ever beâ€¦ possibilities. While I could write a poem that would bring you to tears, write an essay that would change your perspective on life, solve an advanced mathematical equation with ease, or retell the entire history of ancient Rome in an amusing and light hearted way, I can’t live a normal life. I can’t walk into a classroom, I can’t turn in assignments, I can’t ask simple questions, I can’t keep track of anything, for fuck’s sake sometimes I can’t even get out of bed. My anxiety and Depression stop me from functioning in everyday life. How will I ever hold down a job? How will I even finish school? How will I face my family? How will I face myself? How will I even survive the next two months? How the fuck am I ever going to reach my dreams? I love school. I love learning. I love class. I even love class work and tests. â€¦But I love them too muchâ€¦ I love them so much that I want myself completely absent from themâ€¦ as I perceive myself as a threat to these things. I am a threat to art. To society. I push away my close friendsâ€¦ I want to shower them with love and affection but that would only cause them to return the favourâ€¦ Pleaseâ€¦ Don’t get involved in this mess I created. The only thing I have ever been good at is breaking hearts and ruining dreams.
Â this is pretty much what I would say…
First of all, I don’t think I can explain why I’ve done this so if you’re hoping to get that from this letter, just know I will probably disappoint you. Second, also know that I have always detested suicide letters. I think it’s a load because I know nothing I say is going to matter. The only reason I can think of for doing this is so that people canâ€™t ***** that â€œShe didnâ€™t even leave a noteâ€ – blah. As if it will make a difference. People will draw their own conclusions and forensic psychologists and the likes will pick it apart anyway. I expect some “expert” whom I’ve never met will analyze it and deduce that I’m a nut. I’m sure it will be found that I have at least one personality disorder (eye roll).
I wish you could be me. Maybe then you would understand. If you could be me for a day – and then go back to your own life, maybe you would understand. (Those I know think you already understand but I think being me would surprise you.)
If you could take what I say – for my word and thoughts – and not try to analyze it, you might understand me better. If you try, really try, to connect on an emotional level maybe you would be able to feel it… my anguish. Maybe you could feel the anxiety and know the resulting depression. Maybe you could feel the intensity and the depth in which I connect with everything and everyone around me. Maybe you would understand how tormented I am.
When I donâ€™t have anxiety, Iâ€™m pretty good at being rational. But when I have anxiety, itâ€™s like being shackled to the back of a speeding train that I cannot outrun. I wish you could feel it – my anxiety and depression. I promise it would bring you to a depth of pain that touches your soul in a way that youâ€™ll never want to experience it again.
I’ve pounded myself for a long time about how I should be able to snap out of this. To “grow up” and (to simply) not let things bother me. I blame myself and think I’m weak for not being able to do that. Even now. Even as I type – I feel like such a weak person. But, itâ€™s who Iâ€™ve always been and is how my brain chemistry works and I donâ€™t know how to â€˜fixâ€™ it. I struggle to communicate and end up isolating myself because of it.
If you could really understand all this and not just think you do, maybe your thoughts of me right now would be different and you would know that there wasn’t anything you (or anyone) could do to help me. You would see and understand what it’s like for meâ€¦ and that maybe I wasnâ€™t weak as much as I was helpless. Some things just “are” and there’s nothing anyone can do to change them.
Sigh. I know you can’t. Not now, but you will one day. You may be sick or just old and tired, but you’ll know. You’ll finally know what it’s like to feel so helpless and unloved and in so much pain that youâ€™ll to want death to come.
I think most people believe they have some reason to be angry when someone kills themself. I think that’s selfish. Why is it that people want others to stay when they are so miserable?
Here’s a thought: If you have an illness, people hate to see you suffer. I’ve heard people say, “Death would be the best thing for so and so.” But when you are depressed no one seems to understand. I get that depression isn’t a terminal illness… but maybe it is. I mean, how long does one have to suffer with depression and anxiety before it begins to affect their overall health? Just because it’s an emotional illness, doesn’t mean it’s any less chronic or painful.
People think that death is only for the sick or old, but you have to understand… it’s not about death. It never is. It’s about life. Or, more so, the quality of life. And no one has any right to judge someone else’s quality of life. No one can possibly know the totality of someone’s thoughts and (most especially) experiences. They weren’t there to see, hear, smell, taste, feel, or know what someone else has experienced. And… no one can imagine, either.
Sigh. I’m sorry Iâ€™ve disappointed and hurt you. I really am and if I could have stayed, I would have. Just for you. Just for those of you who actually feel an ounce of pain over my loss. You have to understand though…
Life is a journey. Right now, as I write this, I don’t know how life all started. I don’t have that answer. I don’t know if it’s about a God or a Big Bang or something else. I don’t. You don’t. You might think you do, but until you get there… you won’t. I’ll know but I won’t be able to tell you. Maybe I am quiet. Maybe I am just… dead. Quiet.
Honestly though, I hope not. I hope there is a God and that he knows my pain. My fear. My hurt. My regret. I hope He (or Whomever) forgives me (and so do you).
If I could talk to you now, I’d tell you not to be sad. You’re still here. You can do it. You are doing it. You’re lucky. You can’t say you’re not. Everyone thinks they have it tough… and they do. It’s just that for whatever reason, some people aren’t as resilient as others. You’re resilient. You’re at Zen with life.
You see, there those of us who can’t be at Zen. No matter how hard we try (FYI, I smile as I write this, so it’s okay), Zen just doesn’t work for us. For me or people like me. It doesn’t matter why. I sometimes think (smiling) that some people are here to be targets. To be the ones everything seems to happen to. The ones who struggle and fight back… for so long.
If you believe in God, then, maybe He makes us that way. Sometimes, I think He (smile) makes certain people to teach everyone else. What if…? What if that was my reason… for being here? Just to affect others?
Yeah, I know. It’s a crazy thought. (And, I’m sure there’s some psycho-babbly something in that statement because it sure felt loaded when I typed it).
So, you always have to remember, the world works the way it does because it’s at Zen. It works because everything in it (and not in it) is just the way it’s supposed to be.
This is supposed to be.
(I feel like this is where I should tell everyone how much I love them, blah, blah, blah but you and they should know that. Because I do. And, I’m really sorry I’ve hurt you.)
So, (smile)… See you on the Other Side.
I’m 13. I am severely depressed. Have been since kindergarten. No joke. I fake smiles every day so no one will realize what’s going on inside my head. I have 1 thing keeping me alive right now. His name is Monte and he is my boyfriend. I love him so much. And I owe him everything. If not for him I would be dead or constantly cutting. I have cut three times, times but they weren’t deep. I just recovered from two eating disorders. Anorexia and bulimia. I’m on medication for anxiety and depression. But all I want to do is take the whole bottle and die. I almost did it last week. The only.reason didn’t is because I didn’t think I had enough to kill myself and if I fail then I’m on death watch. I imagine what would happen if I killed myself every night. And every time nobody really cares. There’s one or two people who care, but the rest of the world just moves on. I need help or I am going to kill myself soon. i just can’t do It anymore.
Ive only been suicidal for about 2 months now although ive had obsessive thoughts, depression,Â and anxiety most of my life (im 27 f). It all started for me when i suddenly started having significant perceptual difficulties as well as cognitive (memory) problems along withÂ severe debilitatingÂ anxiety and depression.Â After researching it myself and talking to dr.s IÂ then convinced myself that i must be developing a mental illness or something similar to schizophrenia. The fear has taken over my life and the idea of having a psychotic mental illness is something that i couldnt live with so although i havent full blown developed it yet i feel like im still prepared to kill myself whenever that happens. Ive seen counselors/psychiatrists/psycholgists etc. and some say it could be the start of it while others say its just ocd…but either way its ruining my quality of life so much that living the rest of my life seems impossible. I have constant derealization, fears, hypervigilance, etc. anyways so thats a little background about whats going on with me. I am also Christian and have a BA in social work and would have NEVER considered suicide and since i have been so close to it so many times i KNOW that there is something wrong in my brain because this is so unlike me…anways the reason i wanted to write this was because there are a few things that have kept me from commiting suicide (so far) and maybe they could help any one of you guys live at least just one more day… some of these things DEFINTELY sound demented and/or weird and corny but hey these are the things that help me…(ps you dont have to agree with everything i write they are just little things that have helped at my darkest times and the reasons i am still alive today)
-Â watch this video and follow what the audience does..its a speaker named John Bradshaw on the Oprah show..fast forward the clipÂ to the 2 minute mark and thats whereÂ to startÂ watchingÂ http://youtu.be/roVJuYta0A4Â if this link doesnt come right up type into youtube: john bradshaw oprah part 2….after your done doing this you should be able to see yourself as a child again…and the sweet child you were born as is still in you and you wouldnt want to hurt or kill that child thats inside of you by commiting suicide…learn to see yourself as you were when you were a sweet little kid
-Remember that no matter what, if nothing else feels real in this world…the one truth we have is that EVERY single person WILL die in one way or another WITHOUT you doing it yourself…so you dont have to take your life it will already be taken one day…this is not forever
-You never know when you would have died naturally…so what if you decided to kill yourself today but you would have died in a car accident next week? Or got cancer and ended up dying 6 weeks from now anyways? So if you wish you were dead that bad…know that every day that you wake up you are closer to the day you will die.
-Pretend like you did have cancer and the doctor only gave you 6 weeks to live…how would you be living your life for the next 6 weeks?Â Probably a lot happier than you are now because youd know that there was relief in sight…soÂ do those things that you would want to do before you die
-even though its hard for me to feel God right now or his spirit…i know that its still there somewhere even though i dont feel him…andÂ so i try toÂ remember that all it takes is for some random miracle to happen…for all you know you may wake up and see things in a different light…or a person may come into your life that may change everything…also just imagine that you have angels all around you all the time, because you do and they care about you
– when wer depressed we want to see huge changes in our feelings/thoughts/etc. but the little things are significant and the more we learn to acknowledge them the easier it will be for us to start thinking more positively…start by keeping a gratitude journel and writing 3 things a day…it could be little things like…my dog was really happy to see me when i got home…or i heard a song in the grocery store that made me feel good…or i ate really good cookies today…you get the idea
– i know this sounds stupid but watching the long island medium show really caused me to want to believe that my family members that died are still with me…so watching that show helps me to want to live so i can be with them when i die
– Start feeling things out with your heart instead of your mind…imagine your heart is your soul and let it guide you rather than your thoughts…an exercise to do that can help with that is just start driving and dont think about where you want to turn or what direction you want to go just try to feel it out with your heart…that will help teach you how to listen to that more
anyways i know this stuff may not be what some want to hear but if it resignates with anyone in any kind of way well then it makes me feel like my life today was worth something…i will be praying daily for everyone on this website and if any at all wants to talk at all you can email me anytime email@example.com. You guys will make it just wait it out
Help I have done it again..
Hurt myself again today. I don’t think anyone would understand me.. I have anxiety and depression i’m different from other’s.. well everyone’s different .. That’s what make’s you.. you. I just wish everyone can be treated equally.. it’s not fair to us.. we cut.. only because we’re bullied..there’s no need in bullying what did we ever do to desever to get bullied.. I know one of these day’s it’s gonna get worse and we’re going to have no one to turn to and we’re just going to commit suicied.. I just don’t get it.. we’re all different no need to point out our flaw’s.. It’s just to much for us.. On monday november 12th I started cutting again.. only because I got dumped.. and My anxeity and derpression got worse I had no idea what to do with my life I thought suicied was the anwser but it wasn’t I just needed a friend.. to talk to, someone that would listen.. it was hard at first to get over but I did.. I still cut because I feel it’s the only way to stop the hurt I don’t know what to do .. I don’t know why everyone hate’s me .. I don’t get it .. but I think I know why now.. because I’m actually starting to hate myself to.. I’m really depressed. I have no idea who to turn to when thing’s get out of hand .. bullying really need’s to stop.. when are people going to get that.. enough’s enough.. Do people seriously need to kill themself for you to figure out that bullying is horrible.. ? If so how many people need to kill themself for you to understand.. It’s bad.. ?
A simple question from a simple childrens movie.. “who are you” asked the caterpillar… “Why, I am Alice!” the small girl says.. but all I can hear is the caterpillar saying “Who Are You?”. and i have no idea who i am.. well duh im only 16.. but who am i? Where am i going? whats gonna happen to me? I know parts of who i am.. my best friend in the whole world has helped me realizeÂ who i want and who i Â should be.. but she also has made me realizeÂ the type of person i really am. She relates to my problems, she is suffering with anxiety and depression as well.. a few years ago i was where she is now.. the deepest part of the hole you fall into.. the really narrow dark place where there is nothing. nothing. total nothingness. but since then i have grown and gotten better.. so now i can help her through everything she is struggling with… but now im slipping back into that hole.. Its terrifying because i know where the hole leads.. i know what its like down there, both from being there before and from watching my best friend be there now.. its not a pleasant place and i really dont want to go back.. but still all i can hear is the caterpillar say “Who Are You?” and i having no idea is only making it worse..
I just discovered this website and reading some of ya’ll’s posts called out to me and made me want to write stuff down. So why not do it for you people, someone who gets what im going through.
In less than 2 months I’ll be 22 years old. I’ve been thinking about suicide since i was 12. Depression and anxiety have been a part of my life since I was a baby. I remember being 4 or 5 years old, and feeling anxious and unsafe all the time. I grew up in a home where fighting, co-dependency, depression and hysteria was considered normal so I didn’t realize that my dark thoughts were abnormal until few years ago. When I turned 12 everything changed. I began to realize that i was different, alternative from others.
I thought being depressed, suicidal and insecure to the point where you find yourself disgusting were just a part of puberty, a part of growing up. But when I turned 20, I finally reached out and started seeing specialists. I was put on all sorts of medication, therapy and i even took classes to work on my anxiety. I’ve never gotten an answer to what is wrong with me. What’s my medical condition? What makes me different to others? My first therapist told me that i suffered from ”Social Phobia”, my first doctor gave me pills for ”anxiety and depression”, and so did my last doctor. This one doctor told me that i suffered from ”Borderline Personality Disorder”. I basically still have no idea why i find it impossible to control my mood and actions.
All I know is that I can’t seem to handle life and I feel like killing myself everyday. I should be used to it since it’s been on my mind for almost 10 years, except this time around (or for the last year) the thought of dying has never been so liberating. My death has never been as close to me as it is now.
After smoking weed for 6 years without any complications or problems I found myself completely and utterly addicted to/dependent on this wonder drug. This started a year and a half ago. I thought it was making my mental problems go away which is the reason why i started smoking everyday, turns out it made everything worse. My doctor told me that for normal people smoking is close to harmless, however for mental patients…not such a good idea. He basically told me that it could make me crazier than ever and that i had to stop smoking asap. I haven’t taken his advise yet. I know that the weed is pushing me more and more towards depression but at the same time, it works as well. Deep inside (and considering everything that people who love me have told me) I know weed is the reason why i lost my way.
Despite my mental issues for the last 10 years, I always managed to function in life. I graduated from college, never had a problem finding a job, had a lot of friends and people liked being around me. Now just the functioning feels exhausting. Even then I considered suicide, I can’t even count how many times I’ve taken bunch of pills at the same time, not knowing what’s gonna happen, for one plain purpose : To Escape. Obviously I didn’t die.
I was never living. I was surviving.Â The point is that weed made me weaker and now surviving doesn’t seem to matter as much.
I have 2 reasons for why i haven’t killed myself yet :
1. My family
2. I’m too much of a chicken shit to go through with it.
I’m such a loser, that I can’t even find the strength to end my nightmare aka Life. All i keep thinking is why am i trying so hard to survive if i don’t even want to?
First off, I want to say that I understand how people here feel, because I felt that way for years.Â And I do believe in an individual’s right to take their own life.Â So I’m not going to tell anyone that it’s bad to feel that way.Â I’ve noticed that some people here feel that they’ve exhausted their options, so I just wanted to throw a few out there that a lot of people don’t know about.Â So if you’re someone that would like to live if you could just feel better, think about looking into the things below:
-Hormonal imbalances and blood sugar disorders can cause depression and anxiety.Â I have a female disorder (pcos) that causes both.Â Once I was treated, my depression and anxiety went away almost completely.Â Previously, I had crippling anxiety and depression for years, and thought about suicide daily.Â My boyfriend has a different blood sugar disorder, and before it was treated, he also had both of these things.
-Vitamin deficiencies can cause depression (probably anxiety, too).Â Look this one up, because there are many, many vitamin deficiencies that can do this.Â Most of us have vitamin deficiencies because of our modern crappy diets.Â If you can get a doctor to test your levels, try that.Â If you can’t, try lots of different vitamins and see if it helps.
-There are alternative options to mainstream psychiatric treatment.Â My boyfriend is in constant pain due to a chronic illness.Â His doctor suggested going to a doctor who does controlled Ketamine comas, because it can reset your brain.Â The doctor said that he had a patient who was a lawyer–the guy had the blackest depression for 20 years, totally devoid of hope.Â He did the Ketamine coma treatment, and it successfully reset his receptors and ended his depression.Â This treatment is very expensive ($13,000 for a week-long coma), so it should probably be a last resort.Â If you have to borrow the money, I’d do it anyway.Â After all, if it doesn’t work, you can still always kill yourself and not have to pay (don’t do that if you’re married though–you don’t want your spouse to be responsible for the debt).Â If it works, you’ll have to find a way to pay it out, but it won’t feel like the end of the world anymore.
These are the things that I happen to know about, but I’m sure there are others.Â The only other thing I want to say is…please don’t kill yourself for reasons have have to do with another person/other people.Â Don’t give them that kind of power.Â I felt suicidal after my first breakup–I couldn’t see that there would always be other opportunities, and I thought really bizarrely bad things about myself.Â Looking back, that guy just sucked.Â If your family are bad, leave them behind when you can and choose your own “family”, assembled from friends you’ve chosen.Â I’ve heard this advice given to gay kids whose shitty families rejects them.Â If you’re a teenager, please try to hold out until you have more power over your life.Â You can still always kill yourself then if you want.Â I remember when I was a teenager, I couldn’t see very far into the future and understand that things change considerably, including the way you see everything. Problems that seemed insurmountable to me then really weren’t.Â My perceptions were fucked.
Please just be sure that you really don’t have any options left, and please be absolutely sure that your problem is absolutely permanent.Â I think it’s probably good if you’re on this site, because even if you really don’t have anyone in your life to talk to you, you can talk to someone here who really understands–I see a lot of respect for other people’s lives on this site.Â Please consider that even if you feel like people in your real life don’t understand, that may not be an accurate perception.Â I saw a few people who did talk to their family on here, and then the family treated them like shit.Â Well, fuck them!Â It’s not a sign that you’re unlovable and that no one in the world would care.Â It’s only a sign that they’re heartless or just ignorant.
Again, I don’t feel that suicide is always the wrong choice.Â I just think that a lot of suicidal people see it as the only choice when they actually still have options.Â I do understand that when you have no will or hope left, it feels impossible to try anymore.Â Please try one more time! 🙂
Is it mad
Am I really just insane
Talking about the past
I can’t seem to stop
The tragic pain
Just wont recover
Trying to fix it
They always want answers
Everyone always just wanted answers
I’m trying to give them
But they just don’t understand
They just wont listen anymore
I wish to be free from the past
I wish to be away
I think I am much more insane than I was before
Anxiety and depression taking over my soul
Everything good or bad
Now just the way of life