.. But I want to get this off my chest. I need to.
I came across this website an hour ago, I figured I could possibly post my thoughts here, because it’s just a forum right? No quick replies, no need to put up a front; because I’m fake. I want to be real, I want people to know the truth about me. All my life I put up a front. I act like an apathetic asshole.. But that’s not who I am and it’s just this bad habit. It’s this wall I have, because I’m afraid. Every time I tear down this wall I get hurt… But all I’m doing is hurting people and pushing everyone away. I’m literally alone. I have absolutely no friends and my parents and I don’t get along. There’s reasons why we don’t get along. But I just want to tell who I am, not my story. Just who I really am.
I am a monster. I hurt everyone. I’m like fire, burning away everything I touch. Fire isn’t meant to be played with, so why stick around to get burned? Do people like getting burned? Maybe for self mutilation but this hurt I cause is hurt to the heart. I am just this bundle of negativity that tears down every source of happiness due to fear, this fear due to past experiences, but these past experience which happened due to one single worry. I can’t trust. I can’t trust no matter how hard I try to. I’m delusional. It’s my fault. I want to love, take chances for friendship, feel worry free. But alas, a single worry ruins it all.
I want people to know that… This apathetic asshole of a Debbie downer that always makes people feel pained… Is not who I am. I am not a bully, I am not a reclusive weirdo, I am not a heartless person. I am not a heartless person.. Please.. Believe me. Believe that I care, that I have a heart, that I can love. What everyone believes about me, is just a bad habit, my heartless front.
I’m just so afraid that when I meet someone.. They’ll end up walking away. That’s why. No one ever takes the time to get to know me. Every person I’ve torn my walls down for either used me, or gave me a reason not to trust. Or when I try to love, to have a relationship with, I always end up leaving the moment I get hurt or whenever I feel overwhelmed… Or they give me a reason to not trust.. Or they use me for sex. I don’t give it to them. I don’t. I am not a boy hopping whore who sleeps with everyone. I am someone who’s afraid to tear down their walls.
I keep hurting people and I can’t change.
This is why I am contemplating suicide. I hurt everyone around me, and I’m hurting inside. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore; I’m just holding on by a small string of hope.
I just wish I wasn’t afraid anymore.