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General

Feels Good to Accept It

by Changsha
written by Changsha

Today was nothing special, the usual boring, stressful mess at work. However, it’s still the day that finally broke me down, though I’m not sure why. For roughly three years now, not a day has passed that I haven’t thought about death, but getting home today, I knew I couldn’t stand one more day of hating what I saw in the mirror.

I’m just drained mentally, and numb emotionally. I don’t live for myself, but exist from day to pointless day. Each day is just dull maintenance of my basic needs. I find no pleasure in life, nor is there anything I want out of it: no possessions, amount of money, relationships, or experiences. They’re all temporary anyway; rapidly we’re all becoming frail and wrinkled. I’d rather save myself the arthritis.

The tallest building in town is called the 1 South Church Building. Tomorrow I plan to take a bus downtown, and jump from one of the observation decks near the skyscraper’s roof. I’m quite alone. The only people who might get hurt in any sense of the word, is if I land on someone. (This is unlikely, I have walked that street many times, and foot traffic is light.)

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General

Twats

by Runningtostandstill
written by Runningtostandstill

Erggghhh! Why the fuck am i still here?! I’m sorry but i need to get this out, and it won’t be the same if I dont swear.

Im going to admit this now, I’ve told No one this ever. But fuck it, let’s tell a bunch of strangers! I’ve been screwed up since birth. I was born witha type of arthritis in my joints, so walking, crawling, sports, all of it was painful. Eventually people noticed I wasnt like everyone else. I’ve been bullied ever since I entered those school gates. But i was too nice, and no innocent to accept people could be mean. They would group up and take the piss out of me, and I never fought back. I literally had no one. They all hated me…
I bet your thinking ehhhh it’s cool, her family helped. Well….nope. I have 4sisters and one brother. My only younger sister went to the same school as me, I was smart enough to pretend I didn’t know her. My older siblings did drugs, they drank. They would fight 24/7. Kicking and screaming the house down untill god knows at night. They tried to help me with the bullies, but they couldn’t help themselves. My mum tried leaving the family multiple times. To help us, but she ended up coming back each time. My perants tried their best, and I love them for it. No one does drugs anymore.

But it’s too late.

I’m a freak. Im now 15 years of age. And in a way…..I still get bullied. But no one notices it anymore. I’m no longer innocent and sweet. Im a ***** and lie allot, i sit away from everyone and only talk to the prople im freiends with. And I truly feel sorry for my friends….I’ve been contiplating killing myself for ages, but i have no way to do it. I see no point in staying here. None at all. You could claim my friends and family might miss me…they’ll forget soon enough, I’m allways hiding away anyways. And it’s one less mouth to fed eh? My friend has resently found this site and found me out, yup I had a small melt down when I found out, but we are still friends. I know she’s worried, but it’s okay, she a people person, she Will find a replacement soon enough.

I can’t get close to people, and im freaking out because she knows quotes a bit now. But she deleted the account so…..:) I don’t know why I do it, when someone gets close to me I freak and push then away, but then recover and it starts again. I cannot stand being in a croud anymore, I go wierd and have to move. Ahahaha, no to mention I think in loosing any sanity I might have. I lugh randomly, and say things that hurt others. Well yeah I did say I’m a freak. This is why I need to die, I might just find some gang shooting or something and jump in the middle. That way my family woul have to go around witha suiside under their belts.

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General

My Suicidal Story

by CrBalove
written by CrBalove

My parents started to fight ever since I could remember.  My father was abusive to my mother, not to me though. Still he screamed at me, kept me up all night telling me I was just a kid. HE broke chairs, smashed the house, broke my stuff, and hurt my mother very badly. I joined drama class at school, and he told me I couldn’t act. He crushed my dreams, and makes me feel worthless. All of my school days I have been bullied. The called me names, took away my jacket when it was cold, called me a lesbian, a wore, a fucking loser, a fat ass, and countless others. Every time I get close to someone or have a friend, they are not my friend anymore. They either stab me in the back, stop talking to me, lie to me, steal from me, hate on me, yell and make me feel worthless, or all of the above. It’s not like I choose these kind of friends. 50% of them wanted to be my friend first, and some of them are adults, or teachers! The only person I confided in was my teachers, and they said I was starved for attention, and a drama queen. All I want is to be loved, not get attention. Anyways, whenever I go to a family picnic or Christmas party, barely anyone talks to me. While my cousin is my grandma’s favorite and she yells at my grandma, I do something wrong and the whole family is screaming at me. I feel so alone, so lost. My heart can’t take anymore pain. Did I mention I also have Arthritis, and I’m only 14? Sometimes I’m in so much physical pain I can’t walk and I have to be in a wheel-chair. I don’t know what to do anymore. everyone I have ever loved has abandoned me except my mom, and she is just as depressed as I am. I feel like I cause so much pain in the world already what would be the difference I I died? I mean It obviously wouldn’t hurt my family as much as it would someone else’s, and Judging from how people have treated me my whole life I’m already selfish for wanting someone to love me. I don’t see the point in life anymore. I was a mistake to begin with. My mom couldn’t have children and when she told my dad she was pregnant he got so mad at her, said he felt trapped and didn’t even want me untill I was born. Even then he treated both of us like garbage. Most babies are fortunate to be made with a lot of love. even if their parents go through a divorce, at least it started with love. Not for me. I was a mistake. I was made in anger. I don’t belong here in this world. After so many people hurt me I believe that they really haven’t hurt me. Maybe I’m the one who hurt them. And I don’t know why. Because I don’t know why,  makes me an even horrible person. I just want to be with God, and even if I go to hell for killing myself at least I won’t be hurting anyone even longer, plus I deserve the pain. I deserve to go to hell anyways. I don’t think anyone can help me. I know I’m not loved. So I guess I have no life. Life is good. But only for the people who make it that way. I’m a hopeless cause. Thanks for listing guys. If you could give me some advice, that would be great!

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General

I think I’m done

by sweetsweetmisery
written by sweetsweetmisery

I’m so sick of hurting- fybromyalgia; degenerative disc disease,arthritis…. no doctors help- they are fearful pussies in my experience. No more money for another, and another “doctor” appt. Four bottles of tylenol- that should finish it. Fuck you fearful doctors who are afraid to prescribe. Check out the UK opiate program- a civilized program. I would like to hike and ride my horses, but I can’t anymore. I’m done. All mds and gps take heed. I have to end it all because you are too afraid.

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General

Happiness is figuring out a good way to go. I finally did! :)

by sick_of_it
written by sick_of_it

*** ** MAJOR amendment to this thread!!! VERY IMPORTANT! Scroll down to my last post. It will save you A LOT of trouble! Seriously!!!! *******

I’ve figured it out! I feel like celebrating! I’m so happy and relieved!
In my heart of hearts, I believe people should be allowed the dignity and respect of deciding how long they live. To me, what drives a person to end their life is the devestating part; that profound suffering and internal unending pain. But not the actual suicide; that’s freedom.

For example, I recently had to have my 15 year old poodle euthanized. She had a million and one health issues and got to the point where she could barely walk across the room, so crippled from arthritis. No pain med helped her. The moment she was released from that suffering, she was at peace. I could feel it.

Being mostly an existentialist, I don’t believe in heaven or hell, or that we exist as “spirits” for all enternity, to be reunited with our loved ones, when we die. That’s just a bunch of hype designed to instill false hope in the living. But it works for the majority so that’s great for them.

I’ve figured out a peaceful way to die. After years of trying various methods, compromising the health of my body, undergoing the physical and mental torture of trying to overcome this disease, I finally figured it out. It’s so simple. And it will be me immediately falling asleep, within seconds, and dying in that state of deep sleep.

Funny enough, it’s put me in a terrific mood! I feel light and hopeful and free, just knowing I have this painless, sure-fired way out. Happy enough that I just wanted to share it with some like-minded folks. 🙂

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Rants

Venting

by FadingAgain89
written by FadingAgain89

I am so frustrated and heartbroken right now. My poor little dog is 14 and I took him to a new groomer today. He was absolutely fine before he left, but when I picked him up he was crying and limping. I thought ok give it an hour because he might be stressed out and his arthritis might be acting up. Well when we got home I noticed how swollen he was. Shortly there after his back leg went completely lame and he cant walk at all. I called the vet and they couldn’t get him in, she suggested the emergency vet or to take him in first thing tomorrow morning. Well I cant afford the emergency vet, it would cost almost 1900 just to keep him overnight and do what I am doing for him now. So its off to the vet first thing in the morning. I have had to carry my poor little baby around everywhere he just cries when he isn’t around people. He cant even use the bathroom, fortunately he is eating and drinking. I am just so sad and angry and anxious. He is my best friend and is always there for me when I need a pick me up. I am furious with the groomers, and scared for Happy (Sir Hapford Wigglebottom). I know that worrying is doing nothing to help the situation but for someone with an anxiety disorder I don’t see a way around it. I am absolutely ready to murder the groomer. I did NOT need additional stress when I am already dealing with my own shit and a really bad fibromyalgia flare on top of it. As soon as my little doxie sees the vet tomorrow and I get the bill I’m gonna hand it off to the groomers and say pay it or I will see your asses in court, my aunt in jersey is an animal lawyer and she will have that place closed for good. Its ridiculous they came highly recommended my dog would never have gone there if they had not. Thanks for letting me rant and rave.

AKA Happy

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General

Don’t know what else to do.

by wooliebear
written by wooliebear

I’m a 25 year old who is married to a very loving husband. Really he is my only good thing in my life. I feel so depressed because I can’t graduate from college. I’ve tried to hard to pass math to graduate but its not working and I’m unable to finish. I have taken it several times and I have tried every method in the book. I am just not a math person. So I’m working at a movie theatre with teenagers to make ends meet even though I’m barely making them because I get min. wage and not very many hours, just part time. I am so ashamed of my life and who I am. I want to be more sucessful. Even getting another min. wage job would work if I got enough hours. I’ve been trying to find a second job, different job. Anything. I feel inadequate and not worthy of life. My sister is a complete ***** and I’ve been thinking about taking her out of my life but I can’t bare to live a life without my niece. She’s just a baby but I want to have a relationship with her in the future. I’m scared of what the future will hold. I can’t stand to  have someone who is always negative, always hurts me, says mean things, and acts like a complete crazy person all the time. I go see a therapist but it doesnt seem to be work nor do the meds I’ve tried. I know its stupid and I wont kill myself. At least not today but why do I keep on contemplating it? I’ve tried to make my life better but it doesnt seem to be working. Without my husband being there for me and knowing what I’m going through I’m not sure if I could do it. It does help to have that support system. I guess  I’m just writing this to rant and get my feelings out. I’m not sure what else to do. I just feel so unhappy all the time and I am so depressed with my life. Financially, Emotionally, Physically ( i have very bad arthritis that prevents me from walking sometimes and not able to work out very well so im overweight), etc. Everything is just shitty and I’m not sure what to do to make me happier or make life better.

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GeneralRants

Having the physical pain I do, it makes me feel like I want to die

by Surgey
written by Surgey

I have always been a VERY strong person. I am the one people would come to for advice and for strength but lately I find myself completely without strength and it also feels like no one I have ever been there for is there for me now. I have rheumatoid arthritis and I’m 28 years old. I was born with the disease and my whole childhood was destroyed by the illness. I never had a normal life. So I grew up knowing how to deal with pain and suffering. However, I went into complete remission when I was 18 and my life became wonderful. I did everything I never could do before. I had a great career in radio as a reporter and writer, the things I always wanted to do. Then when I was 25, around my birthday the rheumatoid arthritis came back. At first I was in denial but pretty soon I had to accept it. I had to quit my career because working in media requires the ability to be mobile and full of energy. Rheumatoid Arthritis takes away your mobility as well as your energy. Now I am 28 and I feel like my life is just completely over. Every dream, every want, every thing I have said I’d do in life is now impossible. I have to live on my Social Security and I can barely even work part time. I’ve been trying to find part time work to help with the complete lack of anything going on in my life but I have not found one yet. I just sit at home all day, everyday, except to go to the grocery store and while I sit I am in pain. I am in terrible pin when I first wake up. It’s the worst when I wake up. I take narcotic pain killers that are legally prescribed to me but those also present a problem…they wear off and I feel worse than before. But without the pills I cant walk at all. But even with the pills I’m not as mobile as a normal person. And I still have pain. My doc said the pain can only be expected to be 40% less than what it would be without the pain killers. 40% is better than nothing but it’s not complete. I am still in awful pain everyday, every minute – every second that I’m alive. MY existence is shit and there is NOTHING anyone can do. I don’t respond to the medications they have for the illness so I’m left taking naproxsen and oxycodone. I can feel my bones wasting away. The really crappy part is that NO ONE knows what I am going through. People pretend they understand but no one can really get what it is like to be in chronic pain every second of every day. They don’t understand how it can affect a persons well being. I am not myself, I find no joy in anything. Songs I used to love mean nothing  to me now. I find no happiness anywhere. The only person that I know cares about me is my husband and he works very hard to give us a good life but I know even he is frustrated that I can’t do more. He would never say it but I know normal people don’t understand what I’m going through and they don’t seem to get why I can’t just “be happy” or just “live with it”. It’s incredibly hard to ignore terrible pain.

Today I woke up and I really wanted to die. I just wanted to lay down and give up. From what I’ve read if you are like me, born with this disease, and it comes back later in life, you will never get rid of it again. So where does that leave me but with a crappy life where I’m constantly in pain and then I die. It seems so empty and so pointless. We own a gun,  I could just shoot myself….I just keep trying to live “day by day” as my therapist always reminds me to do, but it is so hard at times there are just some mornings I wake up and I just want my  life to end. There is no happiness to look forward to anyway, my condition will never change. The US govt’ is so wrapped up in religion that they are not letting science progress as it should so I can’t get a cure for this disease, so in my lifetime I will never be cured. I”ll be a cripple with awful pain my entire life. I know husband is going to want to have kids soon…how can I carry a child, i can barely walk as I am now. I hate myself and I want to die. I mean this type of existence is pointless. I will not get better – I will just get worse…it’s proven science…and I don’t have enough money or insurance for knee replacements so I will be so bad off I will be wheelchair bound soon enough. It’s all down hill from here. Whats the point in living.

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