Anyone else here with lupus or other chronic illnesses/autoimmune disorders? Just curious. Today is World Lupus Day. I have lupus, so it’s pretty cool that there’s a whole day to raise awareness about it.
I’m a deep thinker, as well as an overactive thinker, so almost every second of everyday there are numerous thoughts, worries, and questions running throughout my brain. Here’s one for anyone who wants to answer. What do you think you would be like and your life would be like if you didn’t know you were going to die? You had no awareness about what death is, or that it even happened. For me it would be pretty terrifying, mainly because I see death as my escape, something I will always be able to look forward to and count on because it is inevitable and is going to happen, but what do you think things would be like for you? would it affect you and/or your life greatly?
So I watched two Matrix like movies (World on a wire & The thirteenth floor) and this documentary and I’m back to the thinking world again.
What is life and how are we any different from, say, a rock? I can’t get my head around feeling like a character in video game. What if I’m told today by a supernatural being that this really is a simulation and I’m a Mario like character in it? What difference will this revelation make in my life? I don’t think it will bring any difference. I will keep suffering from same things I suffer now. The state I’m in, a factual truth won’t make any difference.
They say we’re aware of ourselves and our surroundings and that makes us different from animals and rocks. But our brain is a part of nature and product of ordinary evolution and so I don’t think our awareness is of any supernatural type. It is same as awareness of an animal, only a bit more complex. We can’t think independent thoughts. Our thoughts are based on memory and surrounding. Most of all, they’re limited by language. We just can’t think beyond our language and that’s quite a proof of their limitation.
I think what bothers me most is my suffering. If I’m part of nature, why am I suffering 24×7? Maybe suffering is part of nature, part of simulation? But suffering, by its very definition, means something is wrong.
In these movies they show that when a character becomes aware that his world is not real, he either goes mad or commits suicide or tries desperately to get into real world.
What about purpose? Purpose of a video game character is to win the game and reach its end. But then we should’ve been hardwired towards such a purpose. Why do we feel so meaningless and purposeless then?
I wanted to share my story. My niece Anne took her life on March 30, 2015. She attempted the first time on February 10, 2013. I have no answers and we are at a loss. She left behind 3 beautiful young daughters. They are very strong girls but they miss their mom more than anything. She was the happiest person, but also the saddest. They always want to help others feel like they are loved. They made a suicide awareness video called “you are never alone”. They wanted to let others know you are loved way more than you could ever imagine. If you could, please watch – and if you like, please share.
Our goal is to let people know, you are never alone. Just reach out. Thank you – Annie’s Aunt Barbara
I don’t know if I’ve ever been quite this serious about it before. I’ve known I wanted to die since I can remember, even as a child. I’ve been toying with methods since I was twelve. I’ve come close out of anger and extreme sadness, apathy. But I don’t know if I’ve ever been this practical about it. It’s surreal. Like, okay, this is really it. You will cease to exist now. Everyone will still be there and you won’t be. You won’t know how everyone will get on.
It’s kind of like Andy Warhol said. He would rather watch every party he’s invited to on a monitor in his bedroom. I don’t want to be here, but it’s hard to give up all awareness.
I feel sick being around my family. They have literally no idea. But I really can’t stay, I’ve gone over it a thousand times, my entire life. I think you know you’re not supposed to be here when it wouldn’t matter what type of life you had. I don’t want to be happy. I want to be dead.
I wish I could be myself around other people. Unfortunately, ‘myself’ is a complete piece of shit. And while there are things I can do to moderate that, I can’t see it ever changing.
So my life is artificial. I can’t let anyone else see who or what I really am. What goes through my head. Because it’s fundamentally unacceptable. I am completely alone. I can’t let anyone see the fear. Because if they see the fear, they might start asking what I’m so afraid of. What is so awful that I feel so anxious about?
So my whole life is an act. It has been for so many years now. It feels like such a waste.
I wish I could just live. Be in the moment, without the constant awareness that if those around me knew the truth, I would be rejected.
This isn’t a life. It’s something else. A hollow kind of dance. Any real life in me ended years ago, and I just kept plodding on, pretending not to notice.
I can’t let go of the idea that at some point this will magically end, and I’ll somehow be able to face the world again. But there’s nothing I can think of to make that happen.
So really, this is just pointless self-pity. Fuck it.
So…my thought for the day is that I will probably never be happy. I don’t I have it in me. You don’t get to live how I’ve lived and be happy. There is no peace for me here.
Despite that, for the time being, I think I still want to live. I still want to pursue my goals, however out of reach they seem, even knowing that gaining them will bring nothing but momentary satisfaction before the gnawing discontent returns.
The main obstacles to this settlement are sleep and work.
On my days off I can usually cope with my overwhelming anxiety/existential dread by focusing on other things. I can pursue whatever petty goals or interests appeal, and push awareness of other things to the background.
The problem arises when I need to sleep. I just can’t switch off. My body remains locked in alert mode, even when I’m exhausted. My mind knows that all is far from ok, without even going into specific troubling thoughts. When I was a child, I used to get to sleep by essentially thinking happy thoughts – even when I was anxious. I used to imagine myself at some future point being happy, and that was enough. But that doesn’t really work anymore. I can’t imagine myself being content, at any future point. And I’ve never found a reliable alternative to put my mind and body at rest.
I feel like I’ve tried all the standard solutions. I’ve tried getting lots of exercise, warm baths, sticking to routine, cutting out technology use, meditation, yoga, muscle relaxation. None of it really changes the awareness in my mind that something is dreadfully wrong. I’ve tried a number of non-prescription remedies and medications, and they haven’t really made a dent in it. I’m tempted to try prescription sleeping pills, but going to the doctors makes me incredibly anxious, and I get the impression they don’t really work long term. If I could just switch off when I needed sleep, rather than thrashing about for hours, it would make it so much easier to cope. As it is, I spend most of my days in a zombified state.
The other main barrier is work. I’m thinking of quitting my job in a couple of months, so that may provide some temporary relief, but long-term I need to find some way to deal with it. I think the issue is that having to be around people for extended periods without being able to distract myself with other interests forces me into awareness of all my fears. It means I have to confront how disconnected and lonely I feel, how inadequate, how meaningless what I’m doing is. Being around other people who seem at ease, happy, comfortable with themselves etc. only serves to highlight these feelings. It leaves me desperate for a way out, with no way to focus on other things.
So anyway, I think those are the two main factors that keep pulling me back to this place, despite parts of me wanting to live. Maybe at some point I’ll find some kind of solution, and then I can get on with being functionally unhappy like so many others. ‘Til then I guess I’m stuck on the fence.
Props to anyone who made it through this extensive post.
Not purpose. not peace. I will get over this lust, this loathing that lurks by my mouth. lust of my awareness to get mixed with outside things, lust to get lost in memory. why, this self is not the real one, i have seen it. There exists a state where one is distant from everything and yet he can function genuinely and solve problems. Everything is complete and honest, no lie involved.
Please send your support for my video documentary venture, Our Dead Buddy’s Bucket List, a series I have started in support of suicide awareness and mental health awareness, in honor of my friend Skyler Atkinson, lost to suicide in January 2015. I film our first episode on September 12th @ Mt. Trashmore at the Hampton Roads 2015 Out of Darkness walk. I can’t make the event its potential without the support of other suicide and awareness supporters behind this effort. DONATE, every little bit counts. Join us in our first person documentary as we take Skyler’s guitar to explore the world all in support of suicide awareness, remembering his and all our loved ones in all the places they will never be able to go again. Fall in love with life and living it as we share stories from Skyler’s family and others that have fallen victim to suicide. Be a part of helping me make sure Skylers story reaches the World.
I can barely name these bizarre emotions I get. You could call it numbness mixed with lifted awareness. Like I’m not really here, but somewhere else. It happens to me quite often, these “detachments”. When these occur, my memory tend to get worse. I can’t remember what happened when, and I get confused easily.
I feel like I’m riding this crazy train of thoughts that will eventually take me to hell. Oh I think about many different things, not all are bad, but I get lost in the montage of feelings. I know how to make this stop. Sleeping usually does the trick. But temporary stopping this won’t solve my problem. I want to know what is this thing. Could this be some kind of a spiritual experience? Awakening? Can this be caused just by depression? Does anybody else experience this?
I hope this doesn’t happen to anyone here (unless you’re an abusive troll of course). I was banned from two chatrooms and this forum. I was manic and somewhat obnoxious at the time, however others misbehaved too and deliberately stirred shit for me with a loved one. I’m sure they’re still happily included in the respective groupings.
Don’t get me wrong I’m not bitter about it. I would just like to highlight for people the fact that many people with mental illnesses use these forums. Being banned or outcasted from a suicide forum could have quite a damaging effect on that person. Human beings yearn to belong. I regarded these people as friends (my bad I guess). We suicidal types are vulnerable, and not always sane.
Anyone I hurt or annoyed while manic I humbly apologise. I DO take responsibility for what I did/said. I simply crave a little understanding. Obviously SP let me come back and I was grateful for that. This is not my way of trying to get unbanned. I just want to raise a little awareness. Sometimes people are simply not in their right minds. Sometimes they need a second chance or to be given the benefit of the doubt.
But a shout out to the peeps I used to chat to, hope you are all well. I’m fine right now, I found another congenial chatroom, most of the time I am not big on chatting anyway but sometimes it’s a good distraction.
Made a grown man cry today. Told my father I just want to pass away, that I dont want to live another day. that death would kill my pain. So turn you eyes away, you dont want to see this. Avert your eyes and pray, and then he screamed
Dont go, I need you here with me. Dont go, I need you here.
Saved a young mans life today. I caught him as he jumped to his fate. I told him son I know your pain but doing this will just pawn it away. I wont turn away I cant let you do this. I wont walk away, and then he screamed
Dont go, I need you here with me. Dont go, I need you here. Im out here alone and no were is home, I feel so hepless, Im lost on my own so dont go I need you here.
You cant sow the seeds of hurt in the gardens you love, please dont sow the seeds of hurt.
Lost a young girls life today. she left behind a note to say the saddest words Ive read to date…
Ooh no, I needed you with me, but no, it hurts so bad I can not breath. Im out here alone, Im sick and im cold from this world so heartless my time has grown old so Ill go cause now Id rather bleed.
i might be holding a suicide awareness even for my school!!!
“And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depths until the hour of separation.”-Khalil Gibran
Today has been a heart-wrenching day. I woke up knowing it was the 2 month mark of when my little brother took his life. It has been a devastating loss that has shattered my world. He is a part of my soul and always has been and I feel tremendous loss.
And then I received an email this morning from a dear friend known here as Iamzero, stating that he was sorry but that he could not go on any longer and wished me thanks and love. Love for so many right til the end, just as my brother had. So compassionate. I am grateful for both of their words and their kind hearts.
I tried to reach him but he deleted all his accounts on here and email. So I do not know for certain, but if he has left, I wish him all the comfort and peace his loving soul deserves. I know my brother will welcome him as a brother. And if you are still out there somewhere, Kevin, if that is your name, it is never too late. You are not alone. Come to me. Contact me and I will find a way to bring you to me and surround you with people who are loving and understanding. I’m so sorry for the pain you have carried and you deserve so much.
Some of you may have seen Iamzero and I corresponding. We had many in depth conversations from our hearts and from our pain. Our words reached each other on a level that I haven’t been able to communicate with others before. His life, his story, his words, his heart, were that of a truly courageous individual who has faced so much sorrow. Someone who was so intelligent, who had so much insight to offer. I wish he could have told his story to the world and maybe comforted those who have felt devastating loss as he had. I know he comforted me.
My brother was the same way. An amazing light. Extremely intelligent, a visionary writer, and felt emotions to his core. Such good-hearted men who cared deeply for others and left the world far too soon. In such a cruel world, we need people like them.
And the world is amidst a wake-up call. With Robin Williams’ passing, more people are realizing the truth about depression and suicide. So with all the pain and heartbreak, I have hope that more people will understand that this affects so many in this world that we may not even realize, and we need to speak more openly about it. We all need to have compassion and understanding for all of humankind, and to help each other. We are all here together. I hope you all know how loved and special you are in your own ways. No one else is you. And the things we all feel, there is someone who can relate. So know you are not alone. I wish everyone here peace.
And to my brother and friend I will miss you both tremendously, remember you always, and carry you deep in my heart. I will use your stories to help anyone I can and I am so grateful to have had the chance to have you in my life. Thank you AnxietyGardener for also offering great suggestions and compassion and also Seppuku for the kind words. Much love and comfort everyone.
I dedicate this song to my brother and to Iamzero. This is the only version that would let me post from my phone, but I think the words express so much. The only thing I would change at the end of the song is that I will not forget you. Not ever. Everyone we come in contact with in this life makes a mark on us in some way, even in some of the briefest moments.
“Without You” by Breaking Benjamin
There is something worse than being retarded.Â It’s being a retarded person who is self-aware enough to know they’re retarded.Â I am retarded, and I know it.Â Like Charlie Gordon in Flowers for Algernon.Â Like him, I started out oblivious.Â I had a vague understanding that other people were making fun of my face, my actions, my words, my clothing, and the fact that I was never coordinated or fast enough to play sports at gym class no matter how hard I tried (nor, for that matter, could I make any sense of the rules).Â I became self aware very slowly, over time.Â I started to become aware that although I had eyes, nose, and mouth like other people, mine weren’t designed like theirs.Â Mine didn’t fit my face right.Â My eyes turn upward, my little mouth can’t turn up into a smile, my nose beaks out.Â The reason they laughed at me was because mine looked strange, and they could tell that I am a person of low intellect just by seeing my face.Â When Charlie Gordon has brain surgery, he goes from being a retarded man to a genius.Â He starts to understand, when he becomes intelligent, all the ways that people used to make fun of him, and why.Â When he was completely retarded he thought they were his buddies, he thought they were laughing with him.Â He looks back with his new mind and knows they were laughing at him.Â Well, I never had brain surgery, and I’ll never be a genius.Â But what I did gain through a lot of effort is enough self awareness to know how “special” I am.Â Many retarded people never reach this level of awareness.Â That’s why they seem so happy.Â They are blissfully unaware. But some of us aren’t.Â Â So as an adult, when people make fun of me, I know what they’re doing.Â I know what they’re thinking.Â And I know I have no power to transform myself into something socially acceptable or even desirable.
I am forced to try to hide it as much as possible.Â Why?Â To pick up some jobs here in town.Â To look as competent as possible.Â I don’t let people know that I could never get behind the wheel of a car, or that after twenty years I can’t figure out which side of the street I’m supposed to walk on, or that I have to check the stove whenever I walk by because I might have left it on, or that I don’t know how to put money in the bank.Â But they know.Â They see it written on my face, my slanted eyes, or the fact that I amÂ just a head taller than their mailbox, and they know.Â But for my sake, they pretend they don’t see it.
If there is such a thing as hell, it’s a retard who knows they’re a retard.Â A person who understands the un-bridgeable gap between them and the rest of humanity.Â Who doesn’t get asked “who are you dating” because everyone knows it’s awkward, because everyone knows people like me don’t go on dates, we don’t get married, we don’t even have friends usually.Â A person who has to try to hide that blush of shame and embarrassment on somebody elses’ wedding day when we all try to avoid the elephant in the room.Â The only time I’ve been asked on a date, were jokes.Â Or when we sit around talking about jobs and I have to pretend like I have no ambition.Â I have to pretend like I never wanted to be an astronaut, or a zookeeper, or a police officer or whatever the fascination was during a particular stage in life.Â I have to pretend like I never wanted it. Because I can’t have it either way, and to admit that I would have wanted those things, is simply uneccesary pain and embarrassment.Â Pretend that scrubbing toilets was your lifelong ambiton.Â Pretend to be happy.Â Pretend to care about a world that spits on you and ridicules you.Â Pretend you aren’t an embarrassment to your family and a joke to the world.Â Pretend you don’t want to commit suicide because the fact is you are too incapable of finding a way to do it.Â Â Pretend, pretend, pretend.
It’s a crime to bring somebody into this world.Â But it is barbaric, to bring a retard here, where they are not welcome, where they are helpless, where they are forced to pretend.
Once long ago, I trod upon a forgotten path. A withered, earthen, lonely thing. A disarray of crumbled stones, wispy cobwebs and a feral forest of rife undergrowth. My besotted mind was dull and addled; undaunted by this road of such a stifling ominous air. Drunk with my own relentless despair I stumbled through this foreboding path with the grace of a crippled cat. I know not when but quickly I saw my world contort, and twist with alarming intensity. My awareness was snatched by a sudden trance; my conscious smothered by gripping delusions, phantoms and nightmares galore. Before me unrolled the intricate fabric and tangible complexity of my being. Woven together by the delicate, feeble fibers of time. At the far end of this isle I glimpsed upon a dark, haggard figure. Shadowed and stained by hollow emptiness and nonexistence itself. There before me stood a being whom’s essence would never be. The disconsolate embodiment of my own nihility.
Through the thick curtains of my dazed stupor I felt an odd urge to touch such a being. A creature suspended between the abstractions and possibilities of time. A nonexistent existence. I began to trudge onward; my limbs seizing and knotting within themselves, limping and splaying in a strange, drunken, sporadic manner. The farther I continued on the abrasive carpet of consciousness and time the more increasingly bizarre and exotic the ambience became. The haunting ghosts of future lives bobbled and hung aimlessly in the fixated air around me. It had no temperature, no taste, nor had it an odor. The ghosts strayed and gaped by my side. Haunting, diaphanous creatures whom I dared not to face. A sudden, erratic spasm of my body shattered the transfixion I had been damned upon. Wrenched from my dreams and spat out into a whirling vacuum of nothingness. A chasm, an abyss of sheer disconnection and dilapidation. Flashed before was the vision of my very own quintessence and animation. A lonely, disfigured fugitive to whom nothing was to ever happen.
I am curious about something – I’m sorry of it seems trite or stupid. I don’t mean to be joking around. That being said, here goes:
Let’s assume, hypothetically for the moment that Hell exists and it is in fact governed by a fallen angel. Imagine what you will about eternal fire, absence of God, eternal and terrifying punishment – whatever your imagination can construe. And for the purposes of this question,the more horrible the better. You wake up tomorrow in the same pain and agony you were in when you went to bed. It’s just another day; same shit, different day. You have the same thoughts of wanting to end it, get out, leave all the crap here and simply no longer exist. The same thoughts you and I always have, every hour of every day. It’s why we post shit here.
Suddenly this “ruler” of Hell appears and offers to give you life – the same life or a different one altogether. Any age you want to be, any lifestyle, same friends or different friends, perfect lover, incredible parents, unlimited resources and money, no work unless you want to. A new and perfect body – no limits on anything and let’s say you can have it for 20 years. Then at the end of the 20 years everything is over. And by agreement with this Devil you cease to exist as a human and with full and eternal awareness you are thrust straight into the depths of Hell. Forever. No discussion, no deals, no out.
Would you do it?
pure empty awareness no self transcendent infinite skylike mind indestructible primordial eternal peace that your true self or ur reborn as a fkin ignorant worm dont roll the dice with the youniverse remove those created barriers and become free <3
I was once nothing. From the nothing I became something. Surely if I return to the nothing, I can once again spring into something.
Awareness is quite a weird thing really. A computer takes input, processes it, gives an output. It is never aware.
A man takes input, processes it, gives an output, and meanwhile there is this pesky thing called awareness observing the whole ordeal. A man that simply does, and does not observe while doing, makes infinitely more sense.
I wonder if it is even possible to die. Indeed, if reality constantly branches into different timelines, might it not be possible that we as individuals can only observe the timelines in which we personally do not die?
I am committed to testing this hypothesis.
Check out this AMAZING youth suicide clip…I wrote it because I wanted to die, in fact I tried to take my life, but things didn’t quite work out that way…Check this out, share it and potentially help save someones life!