I’ve been having consecutive bad dreams. It’s been draining me.
I’m hated in those dreams. The world against me.
Great. My only escape is being blocked.
I don’t want to sleep for now.
I cant bring myself to tell anyone. The one person i love enough to tell doesnt listen. Maybe he listens but doesnt want to know. I hate myself and the life i have. But its not a bad life which makes it so much worse. I have tried to kill myself by cutting when i was a preteen but was so chicken shit i only gave a little scratch. Then as i got older i turned to pills for the pain. Overdosing did nothing but send me off to fitfull bouts of bad dreams only to wake up with a pounding headache. As a side effect painkillers have pretty much no effects on me now. But thats all the past and this is now. This is me at 22 with a 1 yr old engaged to the only man i have loved for over 5 years. This is me who graduated top 1% in high school and was offered a full scholarship to Stanford but turned it down again because im too chicken shit. This is me who got pregnant because he wanted kids so bad and wanted to make sure his 60 yr old ill parents (who waited til their 40s to have kids…) would get to see their grandchildren. This is me who has struggled for almost 2 yrs being a stay at home mom who is trying so hard to love her daughter and teach her the right things only to feel that i am failing. That it was selfish to bring such innocence into this world and have to lie to her and say it is worth living only to die. This is me wanting to be with this man i love more than anything but fighting his need to get married. This is me struggling to find the happy confident girl i was when we met so we can be happy when we wed. This is me realizing that i have given up so much and changed myself completely because i want his approval. But he never cares. This is me seeing myself and wondering why i let him control me without even trying. This is me realizing all my life has been someone elses. This girl right here who has done everything he has asked. She is to blame. That coward who was too chicken shit to do anything. She is winning. And me…im stuck fighting to tell him..trying to get him to help me..to save me…to prove it hasnt been just for him but for me as well. Im fighting to stop this darkness that threatens me when im alone. My daughter doesnt need a mom like mine. She doesnt need the coward me orthe dark me..she needs the strong me…i need the strong me..he needs the strong me…but i cant find her. This is me…lost. confused. Alone
cant sleep, cant eat, when i sleep i have bad dreams about the mother of my daughter who im sure by this point is seing someone else…Or dream about myself in horrible situations,…Im so down I cant even be around the part of my family that i love without depressing them away…i wake up just needing to cry but can only dwell, and roll around in cold and hotÂ sweats, thinking about dying or just hiding somewhere for a long long time until i can get my mind right again,Â my skin crawls with nerves.. i get so depressed around people that i keep getting looked at by everyone like imÂ psychotic,…only my daughter has unconditional love for me,…and in my situation it doesnt feel to be enough anymore, im so alone,
I have a feeling I won’t live much longer and the pain of having to sit and watch the delusions and hallucinatins and the bad dreams all telling me that something bad is going to happen and that I’m going to die.. I can’t stand it anymore I just want to end it to stop the constant torture of the voices and just end it sooner then they expect..
For most of my childhood and adult life I have had enjoyable and pleasant dreams, however for the past twenty years I have not had one single good dream. I was told that I was probably having “good” dreams but forgetting them by the time I got out of bed. Ten years ago, I bought a small tape recorder and put it on the head of my bed so the moment that I woke up from a pleasant dream I could just reach up and grab it and record what I had dreamed.
I can tell you that for the past ten + years I have not had one single happy dream. Every one has left me frustrated and unhappy. The plot or story of my dreams changes but the results are always the same. Whatever and wherever I am, I am usually running after someone trying to catch them but before I do some barricade or physical structure seems to get in my way that I cannot get around or over.Â Yes, I can see the connection between my real life and dreams.
I was divorced, unwillingly, over twenty years ago and 90% of my dreams seem to revolve around or in the house that I was living in at the time. I have long since, consciously moved past the divorce but evidently somewhere in my subconscious alleged mind, I have not.Â I can not describe how frustrating it is to wake up every morning with the same type of ending to a dream. I can be an exciting secret agent or just a regular Joe, the dream can start off optimistic but always leaves me frustrated.
I do not know if it is this suicide project site or just good luck on my part but I finally had one enjoyable dream last night. That really picks up my spirits. The dream involved an “R” rated version of me as a teenager with a beautiful older aunt (that never existed) and some “second base” hanky-panky.Â It was a great dream and I was not chasing after anything for a change.Â Wow!!!
This project is the most therapeutic thing that I have experienced in twenty years. Shrinks have not helped, medication has done nothing, but this place, that allows me to finally vent has been great for me. Thanks to everyone for all the great posts and comments.
I should point out that I have not changed my basic plan since that isÂ money and health driven in addition to me being older than dirt, but it will be nice to catch The last train to Clarksville with a smile on my face.
I’ve suffered from post tramatic stress disorder for the past 13 years of my life. And only 2 of those years, I’ve acually been getting some suport through councelers and meds. I’m 19 and I live with my only friend in the world. I have no family and no other friends to support me. I’m broke, job-less and running out of time. For the past month, I have been applying and dropping off resumes everyplace close by, and still I am waiting. I owe my friend and his brother $325.00 for rent and bus pass money. If I don’t get a job soon, I’ll be kicked out for the 2nd time this year (first being kicked out of my dad’s place.) I’m still greving over losing my girlfriend. I have trouble sleeping at night with my meds. My meds cause me to feel light-headed, tired with headaches, direrria, fevers. I have bad dreams. I’m scared to leave the appartment. I can’t face people anymore. The only reason I have ptsd is cause of all the childhood beatings, sexual assaults and negeltic from my mom and other people around me. This is only a small portion of my life but thats all I can type right now. I’m too tired, and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know what will happen to me in the continuing days, but I hope they turn on a more positive note.
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