Fam pick me up from work instantly depressed hit me like a ton of bricks I was pretty much fine and okay all day and then all of a sudden in a bad mood .
* fart noise*
I lived my life as a child who had big dreams. I wanted to be a teacher or a doctor because that’s what kids my age wanted to be at the time. Life outside was great,but coming home was never any fun. There were times when I enjoyed being home. Other times I wish I had a place to run to. Four years go by and every single day of those years were awful. What still brings me tears is when on July 5th I told myself “This was beautiful day”. From then till now I haven’t had a beautiful day. I became a druggie but had help and got off of my addiction. Now I’m an addict to cutting my wrist. I dont do it as often as I used to,but the slightest thing could trigger my awful habits. Some days I just want to just swallow some pills,overdose on some drugs, or even find a gun and BAM! end it. Sadly tonight is one of those nights. Hopefully I wake up to see another day.
Just wondering how affective this is. Obviously fatality is the key here. Apparently when used with alcohol, effects are heightened. Never taken this before but can probably obtain it. Thinking of taking a concoction of a medley of sleeping tablets, alcohol, painkillers and this stuff. Bam.
Take another step dear,
take another breath dear,
bow to your fans dear,
and poof, you disappear dear.
Take another shot hun,
Drink until your numb, hun.
It’s all a buncha fun,
Bam, shouts the gun!
Buy a bikini, dear
and make it pretty, dear.
wear waterproof makeup dear,
cause you wanna look good, dear.
now jump in the water hun,
let it take away the pain, hun
and Done done done, hun,
I havn’t written a poem or song for a while. I guess because things have been okay since since last monday, I started going downhill again, I have a boyfriend, he loves me a lot, and I love him, but I just get worse, I have new friends, who know what I’ve felt before, have experienced self-hate and self-harm, but I’m still getting worse. I’ve gained a bit more confidence, and am standing up for myself, but i’m still getting worse on the inside. I cut again too, and not just once, i cut 58 times. I’m gonna have 104 scars in the the first 5 inches of my arm. I don’t have anyone who will listen, I feel like a burden to my friends when i talk about how I feel, I feel like a burden to my boyfriend when i do too, even though they say I’m not. (sigh) I want out, but i’d be hurting to many people. Faking happiness has killed me. Why do have to be me.
well lets start this fucking bullshit shall we.Â Okay so what the fuck do you do when everything you touch or do fails? what the hell do you do when girlfriend after girlfriend leaves you? After they use the fuck out of you? Or roomates who wish to rip you off at every turn? what the fuck do you do when you’ve cried to the point where you can’t anymore? I fucking feel nothing anymore no joy no excitement no passion for my favorite things no expectation for good to happen nothing ever goes right anymore but when something fucked up happens to me it flows like water down a marble stream. All I do is live life pleasing others and have promises made that never fucking come true. This numbness I feel is so overburdensome that people accuse me of being an asshole or a dick but after the hell I’ve been through my mind has began to defend itself and its integrity. Every time i attempt to make anything work it fucks up whether it be with a woman i love or friends or whatever the fuck this shitty planet can come up with to do, more than likely I can fuck it up in 0 seconds flat even if I try my damnedest. I cannot fucking sleep anymore because im plagued by memories that no amount of medication or drugs can erase just stay up day after motherfucking day trying and trying and fucking failing over and over again. Well heres the god damned deal I am so fucking fed up at this point that I want to save up and by a gun specifically to make sure my existence is no more that way no ************ can ever judge me or lie to me or hurt me i have put up with enough shit in my life from being raped multiple times, to sexual assault to my body, the death of my brother and the curse of fucking depression and that little miracle that happens when every time I get a little bit of hope bam psyche not today. So its back to the razorblades until I can buy a gun and maybe ill meet jesus long enough for him to say your life is a joke
So ironically im gonna go out with a bang in a cold dark ally with the rats and shit where i belong but until then ill continue to suffer until I can off myself im fucking fed up with the numbness all I do is cause my mother pain with my depression it makes her sad that she cannot help me and I refuse to make her life any worse she has enough health problems and doesnt need a 20 year old piece of shit making it worse so im doing this big blue motherfucking world a favor thank you to all who abandoned me when I was truly in need of something real this ones for you
i have scars. yeah, they’re pretty bad. all up my arms and legs. But they serve a nice purpose. they remind not to do dumb shit like trust anyone, or believe there is hope, or even believe in general. they remind me that life is one big game of lies, of which, i lose. They remind me that life is like a funhouse mirror, you think everything is perfect until you step in front of one. and then BAM! everything just goes wack. so yeah, I wear black. “typical emo” though right? (*bastards*) I wear black to remind me that everyday is a day to mourn the birth of myself, that everyday is a day without my friends who died (*suicide’s a ******) I wear black cause I can.
Now for the one question that EVERYONE who knows me wants to know: “what’s an emo?”
well, if you weren’t so narrow minded, you’d know that emo is a shortened version of emotional. so, an emo is someone who has a lot of emotions. people get emo[tional] confused with depressed or bi-polar. emo[tional] is completly different, and really. to be honest, I don’t like to be considered emo[tional] but i am a hormonal thirteen year old girl, i mean c’mon. I gonna get mood swings. (*like as if i were on a swing at that one park i used to hang out at with……..nevermind…*) Probably no one will read this. No one ever reads my posts unles their eyes wander from the other posts. and if you do read this. have fun getting back the last however many minutes you spent reading this.
and if I had a gun, I would have already pulled the fucking trigger. bam. gone, no more pain. no more tears. no more letting people down. let me just make it easier for the rest of the world.
everyone makes fun of me. everyone leaves me. everyone hates me but loves my jokes. and no one understands my pain. or my tears. and they wonder why I want to be dead.
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