Since Hazy painted a picture of one of my avatars, I figured you might as well see the full-size version.
For better or worse:
Thank you for the surprise, Hazy.
And believe me it was a giant surprise. 😮
I must never forget what I’m designed for at all times. Even though it will be very painful, I must never believe that I could ever form a significant bond with any of them. At every layer of my personality there is something there that they will disagree with or worse, despise. I may resort to omitting details or lies, but this will compound my suffering.
So a few months ago I left university for the day, half way through, because I couldn’t take the overwhelming nervous feelings of being with my classmates, and lecturers, who are the type of people that make you feel on edge, never good enough. Leaving my coat, bag and items sprawled out across the desk to look as if I was just leaving for lunch, I escaped and walked home as fast as I could, heavily breathing because of the stress of the day.
I don’t know what it was, maybe the fact that my lecturer is quite harsh and makes me feel my work is […]
Hi guys. It’s been awhile since I’ve been here. I have pretty much been doing the ‘keepgoingandhopeitgetsbetter’ thing. You know- putting off til tomorrow what I don’t really have to do today. There have been a couple new developments in my life.
For the past twelve months I’ve been staying with my parents again. Yes, I’ve been on my own since 20 and have now, after some major life events, had to swallow my pride and move back in, in my 30s. Well, finally my patience has been rewarded and in a few weeks I’ll be moving back into a place of my own.
I’ve also started […]
With those judgey eyes
they try to stare into our minds
but they never get past our
They only believe what they
see and hear.
Anymore would take too much
Instead of talking with calmness
they simply yell with frustration.
If they actually listened, understood
we wouldn’t be like this.
Their blinded ‘perfection’ constantly
crushes our sad reality.
We are shattered
and they still hold the hammer.
I drift away, because at some point it becomes too hard to send the message or make the phone call. Just like it’s become too hard to get out of bed or make dinner or drive my car. But you don’t expect them to let you drift. In your fairytale fantasies, they pull you closer. They knock down your door if it’s too heavy for you to pull. Your arms push, but they force the embrace until you believe that it’s actually the best and safest place to be. That isn’t what happens though. They don’t mind that you get further and smaller and fainter. […]
I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t handle the constant stress, the overwhelming feelings of depression and anxiety, the unbelievable sense of failure. My friends and family don’t listen to or believe my cries for help. Help. Something that seems reassuring, something that seems within my grasp, yet I know I’ll never get it. I’ll always struggle, always be a burden. I’m sorry I give people grief and sadness when they see me, I’m sorry I can’t be perfect, I’m sorry I rant out my problems to people who already have enough of their own. I’m sorry I’m alive…
I still can’t believe what I am doing. Looking for help in the Internet? In the past I’d probably just laugh at such a stupid idea. Instead, I’m here telling you how hopeless my life has become and how hard I’d just like to have a forever rest from everything. I wish I could not live. Who asked me if I wanted to live? I was just born. That’s not fair. Well, anyway, I just want to say hi to everyone. I’ve read many of your posts as I’ve been considering this step for a long time and finally I’m here. I’m impressed by your […]
there is nothing in me but the desire for people to be people, for people to see people as people, and to know that this was and is a world worth fighting for.
there is hope, my god, for all the times we’ve been stubborn enough to destroy it, we have maintained it in equal measure. there are people, real people, out there with home in their hearts and you in their future and believe me, dear, they’ll love you as I love you: fully and deeply and truly, a bond between the living, the existing, the real.
oh, little one, if only you could know how […]
This is just the same old post, made because I’m feeling lost and lonely and don’t know what else to do.
My life is probably not worth living. I don’t anticipate much in the way of happiness or meaningful events down the road. Generally speaking, anything involving human relationships is a non-starter. I’m not particularly artistic or creative. I don’t really believe in anything strongly, or care about anything that much. In other words, I am a void. My life is a big fat zero. And that feels terrible. All the things that you could’ve been, that you were supposed to be. And you’re not. You’re this. […]
When it comes to tasks of any significance, I will always be inadequate. When it comes to intellect, I will always be severely lacking. I am however, skilled in unintentionally feigning adequacy or intelligence. This allows for people to believe that they can rely on me, which is inevitably followed by my inability to meet their expectations. This failure to contribute in any meaningful way to society is one among many reasons that I’ve mandated my own death.
What do you say to comfort someone that recently lost someone in their family?
Not just by suicide, but by all types of death. No one I know has lost someone recently, but this question has been floating around my head, and I don’t believe in coincidences.
I’ve never lost anyone, so I have no clue what to say
Wow the last time I posted on here I was 14! I’m now 18 and I can’t really say that things are better. Well since 14 I’ve attempted suicide 2 and cut myself on numerous occasions.
Heres my story I’ve been with my current partner for 14 months and it hasn’t been the greatest at all. He severely bashes me and makes me feel like nothing. He never trusts me and always calls me names I don’t feel loved or safe. I live with him at his parents place with his brother and sister also and they never seem to do anything when they hear me […]
Or the Universe, or God, whatever, I don’t know. But now that I confessed a little something to my mother, I want to share it with someone else: I think my father’s death was my fault.
I’ve been wanting to die since I was 15 (that’s almost 11 years now), and two years ago, my dad died of Cancer. Tho I prayed everyday that the bloody cancer would left his body and came into mine instead, of course it didn’t happen. And I think, I honestly believe, that that was the Universe telling me “suck it” for wanting to die for so many years and still never […]
I’m running out of options and reasons to live I might have to go see a psychic as believe in them and spirality energy etc and if they don’t tell me anything dramatic or life changing in a good way I think I’m going to have to call it a day and plann it out properly because iv had enough of being depressed this is not Living Fucking Life this is survival so what’s the point I think my best bet is go see a psychic plan and pick my method and self myself a time line
because let’s face it winning the lottery isn’t going […]
What does it take to be ‘normal’? What is it like? How do you process things? What is it like to be happy?
I used to go by the quote,
“Love yourself and the rest will fall into place.”
That kept me going off and on for years. That’s why I got it tattooed on me.
Now I can’t even concept how to love myself. The usual;
I have a big heart.
What ever. I […]
I am not a very religious person and I still am not close with my “spiritual side”, but I am going to try another time and turn to God to help me through whatever.
I am saying goodbye to you SP. I’m deleting my old posts and I’m going to burn my black book and anything else I used for “coping”. I simply don’t need them anymore.
I’ve tried in the past to read the bible and pray to God, but nothing came of it. I am going to try harder and build actual faith instead of pretending this time.
My advice to you all is just give […]
I haven’t really believed in anything for a number of years now. I’ve heard people say that faith is the antidote to fear. One or two friends have suggested that maybe if I had some spirituality in my life, I wouldn’t feel so hopeless and afraid of life all the time. But faith has been kind of anathema to me. Belief in something just seems to set me up for bitter disappointment when I realize it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
I certainly don’t believe in myself, at least not when I’m in society. Some people can believe in the goodness of humanity, which I don’t […]
So last night, Cordless suggested I write a cook book for zombies. Which reminds me, I’m deathly afraid of zombies. I whole heartily believe they do exist. Mass exposure is inevitable.
Do you believe?
Here’s why I do:
I use to work in the pharmaceutical industry.I’ve been to hidden under ground labs, labs inside of caves, research facilities the size of cities; complete with apartments, schools, movie theaters, fire and police. I’ve been to labs protected with sniper guard towers, razor wire and attack dogs. It’s unbelievable, I know, but I’ve been there. That is with about the lowest security clearance possible. How deep is that rabbit […]
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