So I’m seventeen, 17, just graduated from high school. I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts for about 4 or 5 years now. I attempted suicide in 2011 after I was hurt by someone who meant the world to me and I regretted everything. I’ve started up counseling since May 10 this year and have started medication but I still have depressed days and days that are hard to get through. I feel like nothing helps. What broke me is I had a nervous breakdown a few days before I started meds and going to counseling and nearly ended it. I have a box filled with […]
Tag:
Belongings
The condition of one of my rooms is absolutely, horribly disgusting. There’s spilled soda soaked into the carpets, crumbs all over the floor, dirty laundry, and probably something like 30+ bottles of empty diet soda.
I guess the reason I am posting this is that I am ready to die but too depressed to go through the preparations. I am thinking about hiring someone to clean out my car, pack up my belongings, etc. because I want to have a rational, planned out suicide and will never make an impulsive decision to do so. But unfortunately, I am too tired to go  through with the cleaning and […]
me and my brane and some bich sownd like the begining to some bad joke ohh right i am one…
written by why i dont no
so avrey thing i had wasunt good enuf for you
all the love i gave was wothe as much as shit to you
all the times i cryd for you all the times i cut
was wothe as much as shit to you
as all the blood i spat on the floor pulld out my broken teeth
at the botom of a pit of glutones meneingless sex
you keept me in your keep
my “frends” think its fun to get a shag evrey day
but if that knew the consequences thade say fuck this no way
cos i gave you all the love in the world and you tost it away
all the things i […]
Its another morning.
I awake. I sob. I’m awake. I’m still alive. I wish I wasn’t.
I suffer from dysthymia, a form of mild depression that is persistent. All I know is down, all I have ever known is down. I also suffer from Major Depression, episodes of extremely severe depression that last 1-12 months at a time. Yes, they put depression in my depression so I can be depressed while I’m depressed. This is called double depression. One of its features is being more hopeless than someone with one form or the other, another is that it is hard to treat.
I also have generalized anxiety. Tons of anxiety all […]
I went crazy yesterday.
 Mom brought home the one who irrates me so. We had an agreement that I would get advanced warning we she was bringing him home. Yesterday she had left a message on my phone. I had be working in the barn and hadn’t had my phone with me. There’s a longer story but I ended getting upset and lost my ability to talk and think straight. I tried to contain myself/felt an explosion inside. Ended up mucking up two of my belongings(silently with no audience-it was the best I could do).
Today, he’s back again. Today there was not even a call before. […]
Is it really selfish to kill oneself because you’ve had a lifetime of misery? Why is it ok to force someone to withstand many numerous years of unending misery to save a few people a few days or weeks of pain? I am a suicide survivor myself. I was 15 when my mother took her own life, and yes, I have remained angry with her for the last 13 years, but that was different. She had a 15 year old child and a 6 year old child she was responsible for. I have no children whatsoever, and don’t intend to have any. I recently tried […]
What random rambling shall be sewn together today in this post.
I’m moving forward a bit, trying my best to push dark thoughts from my mind. The nice retreat to a rented house on the beach helped too :). Realize I need to get away from home. As soon as I got back then my uberly happy mood went BLAH! It’s disappointing how people are not aware of how their actions effect others. Don’t think they really care.
I also realize that I have no real goals. Nothing particular to strive for. Right now I’m just going. Just chugging along til I run out of train track. […]