After 10 long months of being told what to be.
After being left stranded by people I thought understood me.
After 10 long years of being broken,
After being made fun of.
Can I decide what goes on for once?
Can I have empathy, instead of sympathy?
Can I be perceived, instead of overlooked?
Can I be loved, instead of hated?
Can I tear up my past, like a rough draft, and throw it away?
Can I start over? Will things even change?
Can I just end my life? You would all be better off that way…
I seem to have a problem. Well, multiple problems, but the key outcome is that I keep screwing up. All my life people have told me how great and intelligent I am. So gifted and kind and well-rounded. Blah blah blah.
Do you detect a hint of disdain in that? The reason for that is, I don’t think I ever learnt accountability or the actual meaning of hard work. All through school, I could study the night before and still rock an A, or a high B at the very least. Hard work to me was just listening in class and occasionally doing my homework. But […]
My daughter’s father before he committed suicide.I was three months pregnant. This was while we were still happy.
This is Annabelle, our daughter. She was born 3 months after her father committed suicide. She looks just […]
In high school I would rarely if ever challenge mistaken or erroneous assumptions or allegations of authority figures, feeling timid toward the discomfort of conflict. I had recorded and would hold onto relatively trivial incidents that should have been forgotten the following day. My youth, and later, young adulthood, were spent with intense frustration characterized by potential unable to be developed, holding increasing resentment and bitterness to past wrongs that went unresolved. Lesson: Learn from misfortune, failures, and injustices. Don’t dwell on them, try to see the positive, try to learn something, see how to handle similar situations in the future, and move on. Much […]
So, it’s my Birthday again tomorrow; I’ll be 23. Ever get the feeling of deja vu? Nothing seems to change, aside from an increasing feeling of isolation and a decreasing feeling of motivation for life. I don’t feel human anymore. I don’t want to be alive, I cannot see a way out of my isolation apart from death. Of course, this would seem rather over-dramatic from an outside perspective, from those “just get over it, cheer up!” types. However, for almost a decade now I have had no friends, no connection with others and no affection. I won’t pretend I’m not bitter, because I am, […]
My mind has a never ending cry for help. I suffer in silence and when I speak people think its just a phase. I hope they’re right, I hope I’m wrong. I always say there’s always a limit for everything, it’s come to the point where the most important people in my life have turned their back on me. It feels nasty, I have disgust in my heart and tears want to flow through my eyes, I want to scream through the walls, yet I keep myself from doing this, I don’t want people seeing my pain, my suffering. So I keep that anger, that […]
Lately I’ve been pulled in by this weird trance like gaze. Anything I look at I start to key in and never blink. Behind the stare in the eyes is sadness, bitterness and impatience. My lids seem frozen in time, my teeth lock, and my heart slows to a crawl (not sure if literally). I then shakes my head and keep doing things at lightning speed. Rush rush rush. If I can’t die then I have to force myself to be blindly fast. Unfortunately my blinding fast is going from a snail to a tortoise. It’s faster for me but not really fast to everyone […]
I’ve felt a change in my emotions lately
A realization
Or
Maybe I’m just remembering.
Coming down from my dillusion
Back into reality.
But more lucid this time around.
Bitterness does not form
Yet happiness is still ages away
Basically a myth now.
These moments when every emotion
Has disappeared completely by reaching its peak
The most anyone could ever feel
Any emotion
Name one.
I can.
Rage.
Enraged.
The feeling of wanting to create a homicidal storm
Or at least stick nails into my own veins
Either way there will be blood
Don’t talk to me for a while
Don’t look at me without […]
I have been struggling with my inner demons and haunted by the ghosts of my past for most of my life, and I simply don’t know how much more I can possibly take. I’m just not strong enough to keep fighting off the darkness within that much longer, sometime sooner or later it’s going to engulf me… and I won’t survive. I have always had a certain proneness to being emotionally unstable but several years ago I had a severe psychological breakdown triggered in part, by my mum’s death. Before she passed away she repeatedly asked for me and I desperately wanted to be there for her, […]
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