I am so unbelievably unhappy that words cannot describe the myriad of emotions (or perhaps lack thereof) which plague me with an intensity that is almost incomprehensible. However, I currently have the urge to try to do so for reasons that I do not know. Â I am not begging for attention, sympathy, or pity. I am merely using this post as an outlet for my own thoughts and emotions which I cannot express by any other means than by writing them down. Then again, perhaps I am subconsciously attempting to incite empathy, to offer others a glance at my own perspective with the intention of broadening the understanding of emotions that one may experience from within one of the several billion viewpoints present on this earth.
First, I will describe myself (Please do not mistake my description as boasting, I am what I am). I am male, twenty years old, about 5’11” tall, and roughly 175 lbs in weight. I am told that I am very attractive, as well as quite athletic with a body fat percentage of under five percent. I am very academically gifted, having tested off of the charts with an IQ of at least 150.Â I am caucasian; my ancestors originate from various parts of Europe. I come from an upper-middle class family in the midwest that lives comfortably, but not lavishly. Â I went through a parochial schooling system through the eighth grade, after which I attended public high school in order to be exposed to a more diverse group of people as well as compete in a more competitive sports division. I am currently pursuing an engineering degree (hmm..chemical or mechanical?) with intentions of attending graduate school. However, I already have a private business that I would be able to inherit through a relative if I choose to take that route after obtaining my bachelor’s degree. Now, you would think that this is all well and good. Who could possibly be unhappy with all of these seemingly wonderful blessings? The truth is that without happiness, everything in the world that you could possibly have on your side amounts to nothing at all. It even works against you, mocking you because it is so useless.
Intelligence is a double-edged sword. With one side you are able to competently manipulate the world around you to obtain what you want and achieve success, but with the other you are forced to acknowledge all of the incredibly brutal truths that exist in yourself, others, and the entire world around you. Rather than a boon, intelligence can become the bane of your entire existence. These brutal truths are what may drive me to my end. This may sound odd and most likely insane, but it always knows. Always. You can never fool yourself into thinking otherwise. The worst part about it is that it never stops. Never..until you do yourself.
It is safe to say that recreational drugs have not helped my case. I am not and have never been a serious alcoholic or addict, and I neither condemn nor condone the use of legal/illegal substances that I have or have not used. The only remarks that I can make are relative to the knowledge that I have gained through my own experiences with them. I have never used heroin, cocaine, crack, methamphetamine, or inhalants. I have, however, smoked cannabis, abused ecstasy and adderall (amphetamine salts) over very short periods of time, and experimented with psychedelics fewer times than I can count on one hand. In the end, we all do what we decide to do and 99/100 it is your choice alone. I do believe that one of the main reasons I ever used these substances was that I was upset with my own reality, and that I was trying to hide from it in some way. Â In the end, the crash and aftereffects from “harder drugs” were always longer and more dreadful than I would ever admit to myself. I have consistently felt more suicidal after MDMA or adderall binges not only due to self-loathing and regret, but also because of temporarily upsetting dopamine and seratonin levels. These brain chemicals may sound very familiar, as they are often the main target of commonly prescribed antidepressants.
Emotion. Romanticized by many, understood by few, rationalized by the insane. It’s one of those paradoxes, are you insane to truly attempt to rationalize emotion or do you only reach insanity once you have successfully achieved this objective? This question is neither here nor there, but rampant emotion seems to afflict everyone and everything like a disease. Though, some may be more sensitive to it than others. When I describe my own it comes forth as a sadistic combination of emptiness, hopelessness, helplessness, frustration (to no avail, of course), all of which is blanketed by a taunting numbness. Â This numbness alone makes me feel as though I am a freak, not fit to walk this planet with the rest of society. Â It is a terrifying feeling that smothers all that I am, was, and ever will be. However, it isn’t as though I necessarily admire or approve of the society I long to be a part of, especially the one portrayed by the media. It seems as though it all has been infected by some putrid pneumonic disease for which there is no cure.
It most likely will come as no surprise that I am not in a committed relationship at this present time, and that I have not been in one lasting longer than a few months. I have seen true love between a man and a woman, yet never experienced it. Unfortunately, it seems as though it is becoming more of a rarity these days. I have respect for women, but I have yet to find the right one that respects herself as well. Presently, my hope of finding real love is fleeting; I hold onto one remaining thread of what used to be a strong cable, anchoring me to my childhood belief that I would one day find a woman worthy and capable of reciprocating undying and unconditional affection. My guess is that this is not an uncommon feeling.
So, why am I so unhappy? It seems to have a great deal to do with circular logic. I have no self confidence because I have no self confidence. Â I’m unhappy because I’m so unhappy. The problem with a circle is that it has no corners, breaks, or disruptions in the pattern. It is a rut that I have somehow stumbled into and it has become impossible to escape as the gaping chasm gets wider and wider..until it one day may swallow me whole.