Kinda pathetic having this realization from an anime of all things but it actually spoke to me better than most people can. Anyways its this show called Watamote and it just had its final episode. Its about social anxiety ,loneliness, generally just things that I could relate these past few years (frustration from trying to make friends, no love life, no sense of fulfillment) which is the reason I started watching it and basically it ended on the note that after all she did nothing has changed and shes still lonely but the thing is she just laughs it off and says “it doesnt matter anyway” and accepting it. So I thought maybe I really should just do the same and just accept my self and how the things are in my life and just try to be happy in my way (mostly through my hobbies I suppose) its not like I care about others anymore anyways so why should I even waste a thought on them? I have been trying all this time trying to catch a break and find the happiness that I have envisioned for my self but clearly that isn’t happening anytime soon(or ever) so maybe I should just stick to the small stuff I like to do? those things don’t last yes but at least they helps me get my mind off all this friggin bullshit in my life(for example feeling useless and pathetic again because I was just told a while ago I wont be graduating this year EITHER making it my 7th year in my 4 YEAR course in college ) I’d rather live my life in ignorant bliss than have all these ideas of how I “should” live my life haunt me and If I die Â still a pathetic loser, who gives a fuck? certainly not other people who don’t even acknowledge me. They don’t matter to me. hell the only thing that I do care about are my parents(they’re good people, still supportive even if i’m the way I am and I HATE being a burden to them and I want to AT LEAST pay them back for all they do for me someday) and if I’m just waiting for my life to end might as well enjoy the things that are actually good on this planet like food,shows,art and gaming(we aren’t rich or anything but at least I was born in a family that can provide me with such things that’s at least one thing i’m grateful for as well, taking to account that I live in a 3rd world country)
i had to abandon my two best friends 4 months ago. we were three and we had that kind of friendship that we couldn’t stay all day without seeing each other. we were brothers.
my friendship had started with them and along with this friendship i started to do cocaine. we all did cocaine. we were three cokeheads. three junkies. but fuck! we were three mothercuking brothers, and that no one can deny.
but when i was with those brothers, i forget about my real ones. my real brothers. my brother, my sister and my parents. i forgot my family. i and i’m sorry for that, for real. i love them all. and it’s a bliss that they never gave up on me.
and mommy and daddy, of course, they put me into a clinic.
but now, after beeing 4 months clean, after passing through 4 months without seeing my best friends – my brothers -, i reiceved a phonecall.
it was them. the two cokeheads. my drug buddies. my brothers.
it was bliss when I answered the phone, when I heard their voices. “why don’t you come here in the block someday? you stopped and we won’t let you to return. we won’t drag you to coke again. ”
motherfuckers! during these months i stayed clean, and during those months I always think about those guys. every fucking day. cuz they were my best friends. my brothers. they’re two junkies? hell yeah. but i didn’t had any other friends like them. Â i miss them so fucking much.
tuesday or thursday. these are the days that i can meet them again.
it will be hidden. no one can knows. my parents. my family. even my new friends. Â no one should know about this.
should i? should i meet them again? cuz there is a risk. there is always the risk. when reencounter those guys again, those places – there is a fucking huge risk.
there is a risk. and there is a problem. i won’t die without seeing those guys again. or, i need to see those guys again, before they die. i want to see them.
but… cocaine. i loved cocaine so fucking much.
and sometimes… comes in my head that image of us: the three coke heads, the three coke-brothers. just us, shooting and shooting, and screaming fuck you to anyone!
i need those guys, man. they’re part of my life, which is now incomplete because of their absence.
and i want cocaine. “did you ever get that feeling?”
i want to feel like a God again. just one more time.
the three gods. the three cokeheads. the three brothers.
i need them. and i think i’ll meet them again. soon. i think i’ll snort again. soon.
OH FUCK! but after the high passes, it’s just my brother and sister, both crying. sissy is always depressed. she’ll commit suicide. mommy… shes fine. but shes old. soon she’ll die. dad too. i’d wish i never had disappointed you, dad. i’m sorry. forgive me. at least he will fly: brother. my real brother. i love you so much, brother. you’re a fucking genius. brilliant. you’ll be a great artist someday. maybe fifty years later, we’ll see your name on history books.
i wish i had someone to talk.
(I) IS THE EGO MAKER the false self (i am just is) to write what 1 thinks dont matter anymore bcuz 1 knows it is in the being the silence of nothing that i find myself as free immortal love primordial energy although i have chosen to loose myself and be a trolling bstad to survive i get angry and frustrated from that bliss i used to be my heart broke this is what causes me to want to suicide and i am very capable as i have done it b4 and was saved i live for other 1s there attachment and love to me but secretly i wish to disappear i know to much and even my writing is contradictory to what i know maybe this is a successful suicide story the end feels near my broken <3 wants to go home and thats a good thing but not for all the friends and family that have attached me i feel trapped by there energy i wish to be free!~
My head hurts right now, but not as much as my… thing that pumps blood? Heart! Oh yeah, I almost forgot I had one. Mangled, shot, and stabbed, and still breathing till this day. Quite impressive resilience.
Maybe it’s because college is here again, or I’m slipping into insanity already, but I started missing my ex again. Relapsing, if you would. It’s been getting stronger and stronger the past few days, even though it’s been 2 years already. And I don’t know why. I’ve even resorted to jacking it to her public profile pics on the Book of Faces. Probably my lowest low of all the lows I’ve lowed down to. I don’t think listening to James Blunt’s stupid song helps either, not his fault though.
Right now, I’m feeling… lost. I’m on a teeter totter between living with a dead heart inside for probably a long time, or having the rest of my body join with it. Just feeling number and number to the point that it hurts me. Not hurts me so much as to cutting myself and what not, but it’s just eating me inside. And I truly believed the bullshit “There’s someone for everyone”. My belief was strong when I was with her, but when she left, it just shattered it like throwing a rock at a mirror.Â Louis CK mentioned about how millions of people or lightspeed ugly and no body even kisses them on the lips, even. They just wash their genitals and die. I’m afraid I’ll end up being the virgin that died. But it doesn’t look to bright for me, as I am a total wreck around people and my mouth just nails it self shut and eyes direct to the nearest floor or wall I can stare at.
I feel like I met the one, then fucked it all up and there won’t be anything like it in my life. Like dropping an ultra rare item in some other continent that was nuked.
At this point, I’m hoping I get lung cancer soon to end this shit quietly and painfully. At least I’ll have some real, valid reason to be in pain and not this bullshit ex girlfriend shit, cuz I’m getting sick of it and it’s fucking pathetic.
This is was just my thoughts, obviously can’t post on Facebook or Tumblr.
I’m slipping back into depression. For the first time in months I deliberately took a razor to skin and edged it in. The familiar slice and twinge offered a precious moment free of the past that haunts me. It felt so GOOD. So tremendously good. My wrist is aching for a gash right now, but I can’t. My wrists are clean. Under my clothes isn’t so pure. It’s the only thing that offers freedom from pain, and I can only imagine that deeper cuts and a tub of warm water would offer all the more bliss. I can’t. I can’t kill myself, can’t and won’t. I WANT to, not all the time, but the total desire washes over me in a title wave of emotions I can’t surface from. I’m drowning, slowly. Sinking and watching the bubbles float above me as the air leaves my mouth. As the darkness engulfs me, I can still see my friends breathing. It hurts. No one noticed that my smiles don’t quiet reach my eyes so often. I hardly speak when I’m not around my friends. I can go hours and not utter a word. I just sit and listen, listen for something that will take my mind from what causes me pain. I can’t confront this hovering knife hanging by a rope. Will rope turn to threads?
My stomach always has a dull ache because my head is filled with roaring white noise and the voice of regret.
I can feel the zeal for life slipping away, and all I can do is smile for the audience.
we are forever in the moment as 1 this dream a shared illusion Â an eternal cycle of being and becoming and non being untill we find what we are looking for without fear our trueself we follow the trend and look outward but we seek in the wrong places 1 does not follow any religion but quoting jesus “the kingdom of heaven is within” Â for we are like elastic bands we drop ourselfs into shit make ourselfs feel and experience negative things untill we finally break and release that energy and let go surrender our egos and fly and be free oceans of bliss and purity for the spirit is never truly tainted and life is just another phase in our evolution now is the time to see now is a new me now (i) will try to be silent of my past and free
But maybe you are there… the place I now want to be. Maybe we will meet, glass_music_cup… finally. Maybe you will be there and I can tell you. And, you can tell me. We can finally share without shame. We can embrace and feel at a level that others won’t until they do. Bliss.
Call for me. Reach for me. Tell me what to do… please. I am broken. Unloved. You know what I mean. Ready and prepared. In order… it’s all in order.
Meet me there. Please.
See you on the other side. Soon. Let this be the way out. Please.
I hate my kind.
I hate their faces, their ignorant smiles. I’ve grown to hate them indisciminatly. What the fuck is wrong with those people? Hollow minds inside puppets made to walk with rotten strings. Let yourself fall into the bliss of mindless simplicity. Almost life a hivemind, brainwashed and seemingly happy with it.
Go with the crowd or fall with the trash.
I do not claim to be a saint nor have my 21 years of existence given me enough experience in the way of life, but is it just me or everything seems so twisted. What happened to sincerity, kindness, generosity? All those concepts are almost marginalised. To this day I still don’t get this way of thinking. Go with the crowd. Lover are more like the latest intelligent phone. You are still a virgin at 16? What a loser! Just because some company whose name became well known says something, everyone magicaly agrees. Friends are chosen on how well they get drunk instead of their loyalty and so on… What the fuck is wrong with this way of thinking? Please tell me I’m not the only one who find this wrong!
The worst is that they are merciless with anyone who does not think like they do.
I’ve been diminished, ridiculed, harassed, bullied, frowned upon, stared at like I was some nasty thing that came out of the sewers and I could go on for a while. It has been like this to the point where I’ve lost trust in practicaly everything. Let’s be honest here, no one wants to grow up without friends. I was forced to put on a mask because I wasn’t pretty to anyone. If the mask wasn’t pretty enough, I changed it. I’ve got countless of them by now. “You’re weird.” I’ve suppresed myself, being told I wasn’t right for them. To this day I have only two friends I’ve known for 8 years who are only begining to discover who I really am, and that’s on the rarest of occasions where my reflexe of suppresing myself fail. To this day I haven’t found anyone I could love out of dire fear of revealing myself to anybody. I have so much mask that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I can’t even tell how I would react to the most unimportant of events. I only have regrets of being born. I hate people. They tag others with the “freack” stamp. It saves them the effort of trying to understand. If the mask isn’t pretty enough for them, don’t bother.
There isn’t a day where I don’t wish a car would ram me into a wall. A quick end for a short life. I admit that I would rather be put into a coma. Even better, live in some anime or any T.V. show I like. I hate this reality and everyday is dead boring. You know what I’ve been loocking forward to?(And I can’t remember when I’ve been really loocking forward to something) Supposedly an economy study agency predicted a worldwide economical breackdown in around 2030. Call me twisted but I dearly hope this happen so this hate I have can be eased a bit.
Then again, I highly doubt it will ease it. Hate is what basicaly kept me alive so long.
Within this twilight world
Lies emptiness and hate
I seek an epic journey
So that I might escape
Far away from this reality
To a world of ignorant bliss
I come from pain and torment
To embrace salvations kiss
I welcome a moment of hope
As short as it may be
But the hope always fades
And I am left empty
right now as i write this im crying tears, and i dont know why. I want to tell my mom that i cut and that i am slowly falling apart, but if i do how will i be the strong perfect big sister and daughter that everyone thinks i am? I love my sisters with all of my heart, but.im going to break soon, and i dont want them to see it. I also dont want to call someone or some organization, because i know that i will probabaly just get put on hold. But i guess thats life? That brings me to a new subject, life, i apologize to God or anyone that is offended by this, but y do you give me moments of pure bliss and happiness than snatch it away,.is it like a tease. Or have i done something wrong? The problem with that is how.can a 13 year old do something wrong. I get good grades, i listen and do what im told, i still have my virginity, and i dont dress like a skanky slut. I only have 3 questions today that i need help answering. What have i done? How can i fix it? And am i alone in this?
The dreams call to me
Listen, listen they whisper
We’ll show you who you really are
So I delve in hopeful, full of wonder and disregard for the waking hell I live in
Hoping for some kind of respite
Some relief from the pain I feel
But what I find is more than just real
I see myself in all my flaws
Grasping and the wind where my life just had been
All my loves all my joys all the reasons I live to wake for
Shown to me to hold once more
Before I wake and find I’m torn
Between these blissful nightmares and this despairing reality
Where love had been now replaced by hate
In dreams I see her face
But I lose it all in wake
Where bliss had been I come to find
That when I wake I realize
that happiness was fake
I hate to dream and I hate to live.
What dreams once did was let me live
a life away from reality
But now I’m condemned to relive
the worst recounts of mistakes I’ve made
Then do it again
When I’m awake.
I’m tortured by my mind
A weapon of terrible power
While looking to find time to forget
My mind relives each hour
Of this terrible life with which I’ve been cursed
So now I wish to never more
I rather die now rather then later, i have thought of death since i was 5 or so and thought of ways to go to do the deed, i am 24 now . I was married for 3 years to my highschool sweetheart. I work at a hospital and love the place. I am mostly known as a bright , outgoing happy go lucky girl, but I much rather die. There is this pain that I am always surrendered to, a feeling of almost bliss when I surrender that yes its my time to die. I feel calm and the pain seems to make since and I just let it wash over me and I never do the deed. Yet lately I just dont care to wait for my life to keep going , whats the point ? I will die anyways not like i can run from it. I just dont want to keep moving I rather just end it now while things are somewhat still a mystrery and wonderful. I believe that I am made of stars. The galaxy , the sun and all those things Die as well. Why is it not okay for me to just want to die when I choose? I dont care if people are hurt by me being gone, they are selfish to think that I need to stay here for them. I dunno I write about this daily in my journal try to feel like if I write this all down it might go away, take meds that doctors say I have a in balance in my brain. I just think This was something I was born with , suicidal thoughts, the urge to end life quickly rather then wait and see. I want to have a day that is perfect , where I am competely happy and loving the land scape and then take out a gun and shoot myself. I am not afraid I dont think anyone can change my thoughts , not even me and if I think this daily why not just go ahead and follow through and kill myself.
So I decided to end my life once again. And once again I failed. I had the noose around my neck, I was getting tunnel vision as everything faded, bliss filling me, and I stood back up. I’m far too heavy to actually hang myself on like theÂ ceiling fan whilstÂ standing on a chair and kicking it away, so I go for partial suspension which is all it really takes. I tie my bathrobe into a noose and tie it in my closet, slip my head through, tighten it andÂ kneel.Â I don’t know why I do it, but each time I get back up right as I begin to fade. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t bind my hands or if I’m just a coward and panic, chickening out. I just don’t want to feel this hurt anymore. I could go by gun, blade, or pills, but honestly I don’t want to because I’m a wimp when it comes to pain and I don’t want to leave a huge mess behind. At least with hanging all I have to do is wear a diaper so there’s not as much of a mess. If anyone has any advice as to what I’m doing wrong please tell me. And don’t try to comfort me saying “It will be ok, things get better” or any of that crap. I’ve been like this for 6 years. I’ve been sick in the head for too many years for words to help heal the depression that’s ravaged my tormented mind.
Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurvivePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
I am truly in love with the man i let go. I let him go because i felt like i knew i just didnt love him anymore. Two years of bliss and i let it all go. We fought a lot. He was a marine, 6 states away from me. We had an apt together where he never really was able to enjoy. He was supposed to come home to me and we were to have a future together but i let it all go. He told me i would regret it and at the time i was sure to let him go.
Ive been battling with major deppressive disorder for a while but never got diagnosed with it until i was checked into the hospital this summer. I was released and a month later i thought i was better. That was when i broke up with him in august. Now im back where i started sad and very alone. Shouldnt i have known this was going to happen? He is my world. The light in my heart. He took care of me and now without him i cant be sure that i will live on my own.
He does not want me back, its too late for him now. Everyday i wake up with him on my mind. How can i prove to him i am 100% certain that i love him? He loves me and still cares about me but not enough to call me his love again.
I will die if i do no have him soon and i am not being dramatic. He doesnt take me seriously. I am nothing without this man. I want to make him smile again i want to make his heart sing when i am with him. I want to see that light in his eye everytime he saw me. Now its just dark and that is what will kill me. I will die for his love. It hurts to love so much and not get the same back, karma worked its way into my soul.
When the sun sparkles, it makes me glad. A gleam of a smile, itâ€™s nothing like sad.
The flowers arise and the draft sways the trees. Â Mommy, can I go outside please?
A luminous colour of green showers the turf, oh how much I love the earth.
A crack. A cling. A noise from above.
The thunder breaks as I clench my velvet glove.
The sky dims over the splendour, I crouch down, am I the only to surrender?
The devious rain, slashing at my back, somethingâ€™s coming, something I lack.
Mommy rushes over, gripping my arm. Runs to the house, takes me to the warm.
I look out the window, look out with woe. Thereâ€™s isnâ€™t a shine, there isnâ€™t a glow.
I cry with my mommy, hand in hand. We watch over the sorrow, we watch over the land.
I look to mommy, and to my mommy I say. â€œMommy, mommy, where is the sun?â€
With tears in her eyes, she looks to me and cries â€œSomewhere darling, somewhere to run.â€
The sun doesnâ€™t like us, the sun broke our smile.
Maybe weâ€™ll stay, stay for a while.
Waiting for bliss, oh the sun, the sun I will miss.
Goodbye sun. Run sun run.
Be free sun, be free.
We will be waiting, waiting for you.
My failage poetry much.
I wear a smile well, it’s my best accessory
I do it because I know it’s necessary
Behind the smile it’s revealed I’m dying inside
And it’s amazing the world buys all the lies.
Nobody will ever know
That the pain doesn’t let me go
It will haunt me until the day I die
I don’t want my tears to stain the world outside.
Trapped in a world I’m not good enough for
What am I still doing here?
Only in death will I find some of bliss
I know that I won’t be missed.
It’s always the same, every day is the same struggle, same shit, I don’t want to do this any more. I don’t want to be this person any more, sitting in this shit room in a house that isn’t mine with strangers, and nobody to talk to. I’m oh so tired, no exhausted, of trying to find happiness. It just continually eludes me. I want to go. I want to give up. Then I think about how devastated I’d be If I lost any of my family, and I can’t do it, I can’t do that to them, so I’m stuck, this shell of a person living this shit life not knowing how to do anything about it. I wish I could just sleep and not wake up. That would be… Bliss!
I don’t want to die, but…
There are times, last night for example, when it’s all I can do to hang on to whatever I can to keep from doing something I can never take back. Those nights where the blackness has swirled up around me to grasp at my throat and just choke the life out of me.
It’s a difficult thing to explain, but I’ll do my best. Here’s how I’ve described it to my therapists.
It’s like there are two people inside of me. There’s me, and then there’s the dark me. We’ll call the ‘me’ that’s okay #1 and the dark me #2. #1 is easy to get along with, loves to be there for people, give advice and listen. She loves being with her friends (when she has them), watching television or movies or series found on YouTube or reading a good book. She loves to laugh and make people laugh. But always, always #2 is lurking inside of #1’s brain, whispering things to her like “They’re watching you. They think you’re so fat, so ugly. Your hair looks so stupid. What do you think they are really thinking about you? The world would be better off without you. They don’t really need you here, they’re just patronizing you. They’ll be fine, possibly even relieved, once you’re gone.” And so many other thoughts like that. It’s like having a devil on your shoulder all the time.
Sometimes #2 is quiet, and those times are bliss. Sometimes she just whispers. And sometimes, like last night, she pushes #1 completely out of the way and takes over. Those are the nights when I would give anything for it to just stop. For everything to stop and just give me peace.
My therapists don’t seem to concerned about this so.. I’m still dealing with #2 the best I can. Thinking on the days after a night that she took over, that it’s a miracle that I’m still here after all these years of dealing with her.
I am afraid, though. I am afraid that one night she’s going to be too much to handle, too much to control, that there’s going to be so much hurt inside me and so much pain, that I’ll do it. I really don’t want to, and it scares me.
I like to think that I’m strong. I may not have a job, and a I may not have a lot of friends, but I’m still here. People that are not like us, they don’t understand the strength it takes to fight this every day. We are not weak. We are not completely broken. We are damaged, we have repairs to make and patches to sew on, but we are still here.
For those who might care.I’m finaly done installing myself into what is gonna be my new home for at least 3 years(unless I off myself).I am now all alone in the city of Sudbury in Ontario.The isolation is crushing.I wandered this new house for about an hour because I had no idea how I should pass my time.This week of bliss where I was to busy to think is done and I’m struggling to occupy my mind.
In about a week my college studies are gonna start.I wonder if everyone is gonna be shit like where I lived or if I’m actualy going to meet some decent people.Right now I have to find 2 roomates and it’s a torture.That’s social anxiety for you…
Like I said in a previous post,I’ll give myself a month or two to see if moving in ontario is really going to mke my life a bit better.If not then I’ll seriously start thinking about my exit.