This is a first. I’m sitting in the dark, if it weren’t for the glow of my phone’s screen. Pathetic, is it not? The age we live in. Specifically 4:46am in the wilderness that is upstate New York. This place is devoid of all things meant to nourish – as a life long denizen it’s cruel atmosphere is taking it’s harsh toll on me. Too many thoughts, too many restless nights….the cold air has entered my mentality and is stifling all that may prosper. I lay here contemplating attempt #3. I have given up yet again. It’s been 6 years since my last failed attempt. Third time’s a charm, anyone? Since then, I’ve battled therapy, medication, drug abuse and the most intense fucking boredom I’ve ever faced. There is no such thing as satisfaction, it’s a farce, an idea that we entertain to keep ourselves sidelined. Banality. Has. Suffocated. Me.
Today I found out about one more person I know who has cancer. Seems like there has been so many and so many deaths lately and I guess my point in all that is that I would trade them in a heart beat. It makes no sense to me why someone like me who could give a shit if I am on this crap planet another second lives and someone else who wants to live, gets cancer or some other illness. I am 39 years old and question everything I have ever done in my life. Question who I am, question it all. I am in such an awful place. How messed up are you when you deliberately think about getting addicted to something, when you know you are tapping on the door of it and don’t care, at least it would be a change of scenery. I think that if you are a person who thinks about suicide as a kid it changes you, it never really leaves your thinking. I was 9 and tried to kill myself. How sick is that psyche? It’s not better 30 years later. The boredom is exruciating, the thought of every day being just like this one is exhausting. I do not want a million reasons to live, I do not want a lecture from the God Squad, been there done that and if I can’t feel anything that resembles love for myself I sure as hell can’t for an imaginary guy in a cloud. A guy who is supposed to be so benevolent but exacts hell in his wayward sheep in the thinking like I have and so many others. F’ him you know what I mean. I know this is scattered and all over the place, just felt good to say some of it. What happens when you feel so messed up and get on the Internet to look for some kindred spirits. I don’t want someone to give me BS reasons to stay, I need someone to say I know what that feels like because soul sick is what I am on the inside and always will be and get tired of scrambling to pull normal off on the outside. I’m really tired.
im crushed. im hurt. ive hit rock bottom.im screaming for help but no one cares no one is listening.
I very much hope that at least one person
in the entire world reads this,because
it would make me feel as though someone
somewhere gives one single flying fuck about me.
I did a stupid thing I put my heart out there
and ended up getting crushed
So here’s the story is:
Jasmine, her boyfriend James,and his brother Nick where having a
sleep over at jasmines house.They only invited Nick because
Jasmine thought I would come over to keep him company.
He had recently been dumped and he was a bit sad.
But I was at my dads house for the weekend.
So since Nick felt like a third wheel James asked if I would test him
so he would have someone to talk to I said sure so Jasmine gave him my number
told him I was cool and fun to talk to and we started texting.
We texted from about 3pm to 5am the next morning.
When i woke up at 11am I had a super cute good morning text.
I had recently suffered a super bad break up so I didnt really want a
boyfriend at the time.I just though of Nick as someone to talk
to while I was dying of boredom at my fathers house.
We talk for about 3 hours that day. He stoped replying at around 2pm
I went back to my house around 3pm and straight over to jasmines.
She told me they had just left back to there house
,20 minutes away. That may sound like nothing
but at the time I was 15 so that seems like hours.
I was sad because i wanted to meet both of them.
But months went on Me and James stayed buddies,
I completely forgot all about nick. Then one day I got a text saying
“Hey its Nick. Sorry i stopped texting you. I dropped my phone in water,
I just got a new one today so I asked James to give me
your number because I really like talking to you.”
We talked every second of the day for a month straight.
Then one day we were talking on the phone and we got into a playful argument
,i don’t remember what about, eventually he agrees with me
on the subject. I tell him “You don’t have to agree
I don’t own you. He responded “I know but i wouldn’t want to upset my girlfriend”
From then on we considered ourselves dating even though many people
didn’t think that it counted. I kind of agreed with people
and thought it was a little stupid but i had was convinced
that we would meet very soon. The days pass
then the weeks and before long we have been “dating”
for a month and we still hadn’t met. We had only seen each other in pictures.
Then while i was on vacation he randomly breaks up with me.
He tells me I’m very ugly and would rather just be friends
it completely crushes me. I but i try not to let it ruin my summer
I delete his number and move on. He texts me on my birthday
About 2 months after our breakup. He tells me when he said that i was
unattractive he was high on acid (LSD). He begs me to take him back
I knew it was a dumb idea but I thought we would actually
meet this time
He was so sweet in the begging. Sending me cute love letters,
writing me poetry,writing me songs,he was constantly telling me how he he couldn’t
wait to meet me because he liked me so much. We scheduled and rescheduled our
meeting so many times i lost count. He always had some stupid excuse.
then after a while we stop texting as much, he stop calling completely,
and didn’t even bother to try and make planes to meet
because it seems pointless. He gave up on us, I tryed my hardest to meet him
i would tell him my mom would drop me off go to the gym around his house
and pick me up when she was done.He would say okay then when i ask for his
address he would say i couldn’t come.
Eventually 3 months pass by and by this time i had real
strong feelings for him I thought I loved him. So I decide it was best
that we break u because I was tired of getting my hopes up
and trying so hard on a relationship that was going no where.
We didn’t talk for about a month. Then he texts me a couple days ago.
He asked why i gave up on him. I told him he gave up on us
way before I gave up on him. We end up just have a talk
like if everything never happened and we are just friends.
We have a pretty funny conversation. The next day everything gets fucked up
he asks me about us having a fun night together. I play along with it (jokingly).
Then he tells me he’s being serious. Says he will pick me up whenever I’m ready
I flip out i tell him everything that I was holding back.
I make him feel like complete and utter shit. Jasmine even tells me to let it out to be a *****
because he deserves it. So I did. And it felt damn good I told him i didn’t want to speak
to him until he grew up,learned how to actually be in a relationship,
learned how to treat a girl,and when he actually cared about me for more than just sex.
I was never going to talk to him again but today jasmine asked if I have talked to him
I say no. She told me she thinks I should apologize and put the
entire situation behind us so we can move on.I felt
completely betrayed.My best friend, who told me to tell him off,
is telling me I was harsh and I should apologize and be friends
with him, possibly even try to get him back. i feel totally alone.
I have no other close friend no one else to talk to about my issues.
So it’s either do what she says or argue with her and face complete
and utter isolation.
So I tell him I’m sorry and that it was never my intention to
hurt his feelings. He says i really did hurt him bad
but he excepts my apology. But it’s like now what?
Do i have to suck it up and be his ” friend ” because if i don’t the only real friend I have
will make me because its the ” right” thing to do?
Its not fair I don’t want to see his name on my phone I don’t want
to have to have conversations with him he seriously hurt me a lot.
if anyone actually reads this your probably thinking it’s stupid
since we never met and its not that big of a deal but to me it is
because it makes me feel like no one will ever like me because
someone who tells me they have feelings for me can’t even get in his car and drive 20 minutes
to see me.It makes me feel ugly and worthless it makes me sad and angry and it makes me want to cut
it makes me want to cut so deep that I bleed out and die. because if that’s what guys do
when they care about you then what is the point?
I’m afraid to die alone and that’s the path I’m on the friend I have don’t care about me my parents don’t care
about me, my siblings don’t care somone who says I’m there girlfriend and they love me doesn’t care
about me, no one fucking cares about me
I’m at rock bottom
I want to just kill myself
At this moment I don’t know what I feel. It’s like my chest is being squeezed. I’m finding it hard to breathe. I can’t find the words to express how I feel, neither do I know how to write about them. My mind is empty, it feels like i can’t think anymore and the only thing I feel anymore is sadness, anger, or hate towards myself.
I never cry in front of people and today I cried in school. In front of a bunch of judgamental hypcrites. I couldn’t hold it in anymore, my desire to die is uncontrollable , it emerges at anytime. I look at the world and it’s pointless, I’ve become bored of living or is it boredom. No I don’t know. I don’t know anything anore. I’m so confused. I barely make sense, my feelings make no sense. What is this feeling in my chest that makes me want to cry? But then I don’t feel anything else. I feel like I’m half dead. I cut myself almost everyday now because I just don’t understand what’s wrong. I keep thinking of killing myself, and the thought of dying makes me happy, I feel at ease. I’m to afraid to do it though. I don’t know why? I always get prepared to , but then I don’t go through with it. It bothers me how i know I’m worthless, that it’s pointless to keep living, but yet I don’t do it. Everyday gets worse. My anxiety Gets worse and theore I constantly worry about every little meaningless thing.
I’m gay. My girlfriend is the only person I have. Even though I know she is , I still push her away and cause fights and so many misunderstandings. And this makes me hate myself even more. I want to break up with her because I know I’m useless, pathetic, worthless, I am shit. I try but I always come running back. It feels lije I’m ruining everything between us. It scares me that she’ll stop caring, that she l move on. I know it’s innevetible though, im always going to ruin everything for myself. My depressing shit everyday is going to tire her of me one day, I know this. She’s a normal perAon, mentally that is. I know she enjoys living, and can be genuinely happy. And that makes me sick. I’m jealous of her being able to be happy . Im not jealous as in envy but more like “why cant i be thag way too?” and it hurts you know. That if I died shed live on without looking back. She loved me but she’s normal, unlike me. It bothers me to the extremely that I break up with her constantly. She understands why I’m like this things and she tries to hrlp me fight this , but I know age will get tired of me . The same thing everyday. I’m tired of this, of my life.
I don’t know how to write more. So I’m just gonna leave it at I want to die, all I’ve been thinking if us dying. Nothing seems worth it. The future for me is nonexistent, I hope I’ll be dead. Life is boring, there is nothing worth while. Even though I want to die now, I still want to live.
This might be funny, I don’t know. I’ve been suicidal for weeks (months on and off) and been thinking about it this past days. A lot of reasons why; university, family problems, legal issues, self-hatred blah blah blah. Anyway, I decide to watch a couple of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle episodes out of boredom with my little brother and end up watching an episode called ‘Same As It Never Was’.
Now, I’ve got three brothers and I’d be lying if I said the turtle superhereos don’t remind me of us. So this episode has one of the turtle brothers transported to a nightmare future where their enemy has taken over. Everything is ruined and messed up. Their father is dead, some of their friends are dead and his brothers are screwed-up, hardened adults. They tell him he disappeared in the past and basically caused the whole break-up of their family, and the end of the f***ing world essentially.
Now, I don’t usually get affected by cartoons but today I cried. And later I sobbed uncontrollably about it. I saw the future. Obviously it was just a silly cartoon world and my brothers and I aren’t mutant turtles but we are family and a team and suddenly I saw the brother’s disappearance as my possible suicide. I could destroy my family with one simple action. I’d be gone and, like the cartoon, my family would be affected.
My suicide might not bring the end of the world, but it would ruin lives. It would destroy my brothers’ innocence and it would be the ultimate betrayal.
I don’t think this will stop my suicidal thoughts, but I think it’s given me a better perspective on what could happen if I did ‘check out early’.
I haven’t posted here before.Â Actually, I feel a bit out of place among all the angst-filled teenagers and people who have real problems and shit like that.Â What’s my problem?Â Hard to put down in words,Â I guess, though I spend a lot of time trying to do it.Â I’m 33, I’ve lived a comfortable, middle-class life with kind, if emotionally-distant, parents.Â Did well enough at school.Â Went on to university.Â Expected to “achieve” something.Â But, really, something was wrong from the start.Â I write this, because, I don’t know, maybe there are other people in my situation out there.Â But, I don’t know, I seem to have been, virtually since birth, unable to find any kind of joy or direction or purpose in life.Â
So what am I doing on this site, you may ask?Â I have no crippling emotional pain, no traumas to overcome, I just, with every day, as I wake up, ask myself, what the hell do I have to live for?Â And I don’t mean that in the “Oh, what glories do I have to be grateful for?” kind of way.Â It’s just, ever since I can remember, I have hated myself, and been bored to distraction with life and everything it has to offer.Â And it’s not like I haven’t tried to find something to like–I’ve tried it all, well, inasfar as I’m willing to.Â I just think I was born half-dead and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Sure, as a teenager, and later, even now, actually, I’ve gone down the self-destruction route.Â Drugs, drinking, underachieving, self-mutilation, bad relationships.Â None of it really did anything for me.Â Later I tried the self-improvement–higher education, travel, blah, blah, blah.Â But I still wake up every morning just hoping that today’s the day that I have enough courage to finally off-myself and be done with this miserable farce of a life I’ve been living.
So, I guess, I’m getting to the end of the line of things.Â Drugs, therapy, don’t bother suggesting it, I’ve done it, and, yes, when I’ve been in cataclysmic depressions, they’ve helped me get back to my baseline, but what am i supposed to do when my baseline is so far from anything I want to continue existing at?Â I ride the train, every day, and I look at the people sitting and standing around me, and I try to look inside them, and figure out what it is that makes them want to keep on living, and although I can imagine–family, friends, careers, maybe what they’re going to have for dinner–I’m just having a difficult time mustering up the enthusiasm for much more of this pointlessness.Â But, until I get a proper backbone, I know I’m not going to be able to kill myself, which makes it all so much more depressing.Â Why perpetuate such a useless, unwanted life?
I have a friend who’s going through a real crisis at the moment, and he has, on more than one occasion, invited me to join him in a suicide pact, but I always defer, and end up trying to talk him out of it.Â But why?Â That’s all I want to know, I guess.Â Why should I have to go on living, if life no longer offers anything promising or interesting to me?Â If it never did?Â Am I the only one who is so tediously bored with this supposedly joyous and wondrous gift of existence that we’ve been granted?Â Â When can I say when?Â
That’s all.Â It just need to be said.