Feb. 8th I tried to kill myself. I have never attempted anything like this before, but God knows I have been thinking about it for way too long. I was down stairs doing some practice cuts on my wrist, just to see how hard I needed to press and figure the whole mess out. The first cut was quite demeaning. I think one drop fell out, so I tried again in a new spot, harder this time. This time I got a good amount to come out. As I was getting ready to go even deeper and harder I dropped the razor blade and it broke, (I had a box cutter). I took this as a sign and decided that I would go to bed for the night.
The next morning I woke up just like any other day; only this time with an added boost of energy. I started doing some research on suicide and came to an article on self harm/ mutilation. I more than fit the criteria for this. Last night, after a very minor dispute with my wife, she ended up leaving for work. After she left I thought about how invigorating it felt when I cut myself, even thought the thoughts were not to cut but to kill. I switched the blade on my knife and took a couple shallow cuts. Low an behold , I awoke again this morning feeling refreshed and energized. I am kind of scared that I have become “that person”.
I ended up telling my wife about the accident and went to the hospital. I got recommended for a partial hospitalization program. I start my first session in about 5 hours, when I wake up. I don’t want to tell her about how I cut myself again, but I know she is going to find out anyways. On top of this, I am having some serious anxiety, about this hospitalization, and just thoughts about her leaving or everything in general. I know that had I not dropped my knife that night I would not be here now, but I am, and the consequences seem like it is too much of a burden to handle.