So it has been awhile since i was last on here. I found someone who made me forget about my shit life and for awhile i forgot about wanting to end my life. I have been through some messed up stuff but i have always put on a smile and played my role as the good daughter, the dependable best friend, the happy coworker, etc. But this person i fell in love with broke all of those masks. I cant hide behind anything anymore. I cant pretend that i give a shit about anything any more. Why would he want me? Im no good for anyone, not even myself. I wish i could talk to someone but i am afraid of being judged. I would talk tp my best friend but she has her own life, i would talk to family but that would only worry them, i cant talk to my boyfriend because im afraid he will leave. I have tried to get professional help but i dont want to be labled as a suicidal weirdo. I found this site when i was looking for ways to off myself without leaving massive trauma to my corpse. When i started reading some posts i immediately went into “guardian angel” mode. I wanted to help others the way i wish someone would help me. And it worked, i talked with a couple people and i hope i helped someone get through one more day. But i am to a point that i dont even care anymore. I want to say that i do but really whats the point? Yeah i am hopeful that at least one person has lived a better life. But i am so tired of being the one that people lean on for support. I am tired of staying home while others live their life and enjoy it. Just once i wish someone would grab me, hold me in their arms, without saying a word and just let me cry. I dont want to burden anyone close to me, so i find myself here at 2:52 in the morning. I read a couple of posts like i normally do and my heart breaks, not because the posts move me but because they dont. I feel like i could be writing a lot of the posts and it makes me feel like i found my little corner of the world that i dont have to pretend. But then i remember that i am in my own corner, in my room, in the dark, unable to sleep and unable to feel anything for anyone but myself, hell no one here even knows my name. Anger, sadness, guilt, shame are the only things i can feel any more. Even love has escaped me because the relationship is far from healthy. In fact that topic is so fucking complicated i dont even want to go into it. Idk why im even still writing this. Im all cried out, i just want to go to sleep before o grab my knife that i keep by my bed in case of nights like this. One hour at a time…. Maybe….
I feel alone, really alone sometimes but it’s mostly my own choices that lead me to being alone. It’s not a painful type of alone it doesn’t torment me I can’t necessarily say its a loneliness. I feel sad about being alone I want someone to love but I think that will probably take awhile. Not sure if anyone keeps up with any of my posts on here or not so guess I’ll touch base on things. I was in a 4 year relationship with a guy I was best friends with for 6 years. I had known him 10 years, he was my first love my only boyfriend. It ended badly in January 2014 and I ended up meeting someone in February of 2014. Me and the new guy created I guess what you would call a situationship. We were intimate with each other and talked and hung out every once in a while. That went on for a year until I got tired of it and decided to end it January of 2015. I didn’t talk to him for about 2 months straight with absolutely no contact. Then he found me on social media and messaged me there. He wanted what we had again and I didn’t really want that. He stopped trying then asked if I could help tutor him with math and help him get started with college. I did I helped tutor him a few times and he got busy and we stopped. We had hung out a few times and eventually I ended up sleeping with him again. I’m a different person now than I was the first time we did this. So this time around he’s the one who wants me more which is different but I think it has died down. This last time felt more personal we laid down and talked about the future and argued and fought for the blankets. And I smacked his ass really hard for being stubborn it was hilarious. After that we sat in his car for awhile and talked about his aspirations and what he wanted to do with his life. And monday I did some research and made some phone calls and got information for him. Tuesday we met up and we went to a community college and enrolled him in his first class. It was during his lunch break and we were pressed for time and so while he was trying to find his student ID number on the computer I said I’d fill out the paper they gave him. As I filled it out I felt like a complete creeper I knew more information than I should have lol. I knew his full name including middle which I don’t even know if he knows mine. I knew his email address and his date of birth and lord knows what else. I felt really proud and really happy for him and I want him to be successful. I have always denied having feelings for him because I never felt like I was in love with him. But it is very obvious to me now that I do care about him and what I feel for him I don’t really know what it is to be honest. Sometimes I want to just be with him because I enjoy being around him. But deep down I know how he really is and maybe that is why I hold back. It’s just been nagging at me lately especially since I’ve been so confused about it.
I’m their good for nothing son of my parents, brother of my sister and boyfriend of my girlfriend. Feeling Miserable. Nobody to listen to my thoughts. Thanks for reading. 🙁
This is embarrassing for me. I feel weak and pathetic and I have never shared these feelings with anyone (except for my boyfriend a long time ago who says I need to stop being so dramatic) I don’t have any real friends and have a difficult time getting close to people. My ex of seven years left me right after I had our twins. I haven’t seen him since they were born. I am a failure as a mother, too impatient and stressed. I get no break from parenting besides work, which fails miserably at supporting me and the kids. I am disgusted by my fat body and I feel like I’m being judged everywhere I go. Close family members have lost a lot of weight and they keep telling me to eat less and exercise to be like them, and I am on a constant cycle of trying and failing. My boyfriend cheats on me and I know it is because I’m so ugly, inside and out. I found this site because I googled “how much Ativan will it take to die.” I can’t leave my kids, I’m all they have. But recently I feel like they’d be better off without me. I’ve taken out a few large life insurance policies, so the challenge will be making it look like an accident so they can inherit the money. I don’t want my family to suffer from my death. I feel hopeless and ashamed and don’t know how to get through this. I’ve felt this way for years and it’s only getting worse.
Its christmas and all im doing is crying in a dark room ruining christmas for my boyfriend. Being alive is just so painful.
I just recently came across this site as I was in a broken state. I’ve taken hundreds of online depression quizzes and all seem to say the same thing…that I am severely depressed. Every time I bring up being tested to my mom, she makes it seem like it’s a big joke and laughs. It has never once got through to her that maybe something is wrong with me. People talk about me, “friends” don’t want to hang around me, my mother claims im a long list of words such as: ugly, fat, a pig, stupid, attention seeker, drama, dumb ass, retarded….. the list goes on. If i’m not getting picked on at home, i’m getting comments from “friends” at school about my personal relationships and how I wouldn’t understand their topics of conversation because I have never had a boyfriend before. I feel like a failure to the world and every day I just get worse and worse. This past year I’ve gotten so bad that now suicide is what I feel the only option for me is. As I went upstairs after my family left, I had everything set out to end my life…..but then I came across the letter ‘Suicide…Read This First’ and it changed me. It put me in tears because I knew that once the deed is done everything is over. I may have a shitty life, family and friends but on here, people understand me. They don’t get quiet when I tell them my thoughts or they don’t tell me that I need to check into a hospital asap. They have their own stories to tell and I’ve realized that the people who care most about me, are these people on this site.
I’m 18 years old (19 in less than a month) and I have been depressed since I was 12. I grew up with my Mum and Dad but my Dad passed away in September 2010 when I was 13. I actually saw him disintegrate in the hospital and it’s literally the most traumatizing thing I’ve ever had to see and that image will stay with me for the rest of my life. He had Huntington’s disease and was unable to look after himself as it affects his speech, movement and eating, he also used to jitter constantly. In 2013 I got tested for the disease and I came with a positive result so when I reach 30 my symptoms will start. This terrifies me as I have seen what it did to my Dad, the people staring at him in the streets… also one of my ‘school friends’ was teasing me about how my Dad was disabled because he saw him in one of my assembly at Primary school – that broke my heart but I had to pretend it didn’t affect me. My mum gave up on my Dad she said she didn’t love him anymore purely because he was disabled. She only cried when he died saying ‘she hates seeing me and my sister so upset’ but when her boyfriend broke up with her she was crying constantly. My sister is older than me and got tested before I did but doesn’t have the gene – as I am happy for her I feel really alone as my Dad was an only child so there wasn’t any family with the gene I could talk too and I am now the ‘disabled child’ in my whole family. Everyone doesn’t understand the pain of being told you’re going to be disabled, Whenever I talked to my friends about it they would tell me to stop being so silly I still have until I’m 30 like there’s no reason for me to be upset by it… It really pains me as NO ONE understands.
Above that I am extremely shy, I can’t interact with people the way I wan to, even the people I thought I was close to told me that I’m just awkward to be around. I’m currently unemployed and everyone looks down on me because of it and are always on my back but I can’t keep a stable job, every job I have had has let me go because I was too shy. Everything I want to do in life I can’t do because I’m too shy. I want to move out but I will never a able to afford to live by myself even if I had a job and I’m too shy to live with anyone else.
When my Dad passed my Mums benefits stopped and she had to get a job but ith no qualifications she doesn’t get a satisfactory amount of money. She has told me and my sister that she can’t afford to get us presents for Christmaas or our birthdays. She also couldn’t afford the rent so we had to move out and I was homeless for three months, my Mum stayed with her boyfriend but he wouldn’t let me stay with him so I had to stay with my sister and her boyfriend, they kicked me out after two months for no reason apart from them just wanting their own space so I had to go friend to friend and ask if I could stay with them – also to be told that they couldn’t wait for their own space back -_- I felt so unloved during this period and it really made me see people’s true colours. Now I live in an old embarrassing flat that I can’t even invite anyone in it’s too shameful but also it’s in a completely different area that I grew up in, I grew up in the same area as my schools and friends, Now I’ve been secluded from those friends and they go downtown and do things without inviting me. I haven’t done anything to these people for them to do this bit I think maybe because I’m shy they don’t want to hang around me?
I had that one ‘best friend’ who I grew up with who we had a fallout and now she doesn’t even want to be my friend anymore, I asked her to catch up with me and she just didn’t want to, I also had a boyfriend who I also grew up with he was my first proper boyfriend and we’ve been on and off but I saw him as the one person who would never betray me and always have my back but I was wrong about him and recently I’ve had to remove him from my life, they were the two most important people I had in my life and now they’re gone. I feel so alone and depressed I’ve tried seeking help but there is nothing I can do my life is hopeless.
I used to think I was just lazy but after reading about depression the majority of the symptoms describe me perfectly, I really wish I had a will to live and be motivated to do things, problem is I lack self motivation, I only live for my boyfriend and family, majority of days I hope I just die in my sleep…
I’ve not had a laptop for a few weeks, which is why I haven’t updated.
This is going to be like full on diary entry material. I hope you don’t mind.
I’m having less and less to say every time I post on here now.. A lot has happened regarding friends recently. Too much to note down. One particular thing though, I’m drifting from my two best friends. I keep screwing up. I don’t want to make this sound like Its all about me, but I have no one else to blame but myself anyways.
I had a boyfriend recently too. Yeah, I know, surprising right? Well, here’s something that shouldn’t come as a surprise; I screwed that up too. A guy that I genuinely liked who just so happened to like me back, and I had to go and be my shitty self and ruin it, hurt myself and hurt him.
I got a little drunk at my friends birthday meal toward the end of October. I got home, I thought about everything, about how many things are wrong with me. About how many things I’d love to tell him. confess to. ‘What about when he see’s my scars? My cuts?’, ‘What will he say? What will he do?’, ‘Will he be disgusted in me and leave?’. So after my episode of over thinking I broke up with him at like 2am. Over messaging. Classy. I explained the next day and apologised for everything. He wanted to try again, and so did I, but I couldn’t let that happen until I’d figured myself out, so I told him exactly that. That I needed to figure myself out first, and he understood.
We kept talking, having a few misunderstandings here and there but nothing big. Then we ended up drifting.
Of course, I didn’t expect him to wait for me to get myself together, but I had hoped he would. Well, he didn’t. I feel a little heartbroken, but I feel as though as I have no right to be. He wasn’t my boyfriend. I lost someone who wasn’t even mine.
I guess I’m all alone again.
Merry fucking Christmas to me.
I need to get the hell out of here.
Friend #1 called the cops on me and told them some lie about me wanting to do some murder-suicide shit to my boyfriend. I got mad at her, and she told everyone around me that lie. Because how dare I get upset, how dare I swear at her for calling the cops out of nowhere and in the middle of the night.
Now my neighbors think i’m a danger to their children and call them inside everytime I leave my house.
Then there’s Friend #2. He walks up to me at work, accompanied by his buddy, and tells me that I should get over my boyfriend already. Because my boyfriend is totally over me, hes moved on from our 3 year relationship after about 2 weeks, hes already seeing someone else. I started hyperventilating and tearing up after hearing this and Friend #2’s buddy starts laughing at me. I mean full on laughing. Friend #2 leaves and later asks me why i got mad that his buddy was laughing.
On top of that shit, Friend #1 was my co-worker. Big emphasis on was. Because as soon as little old me got mad at her for, you know, lying to the police, she quit. Now i’m screwed at work. We used to split the night shifts, now she’s gone so I have to do all night shifts. I literally work, sleep, and catch a ride to work. That’s all I have time for.
If I quit my job, i’d fuck over my ONE co-worker. Yes, that crazy *****, Friend #1 quit even though we only had 2 other employees.
I just want to sleep and not wake up to this nightmare that is my life. Things were shitty before this crap happened. And now..my god. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I’ve known Friend #1 for 15 years now, since I was 5. She’s done fucked up shit before. I told myself that she was young and stupid, and that nothing like that would happen again. She did much worse this time.
And oh. I didn’t even mention my other “friend” that i’ve known for 15 years. When I was having trouble with my boyfriend last January, she was trying to fuck him. And no, she wasn’t trying to screw him because she thinks he’s attractive. She was trying to screw him because he’d just bought a car.
Yes folks, one of my two “best friends” tried to fuck my boyfriend, while the other has now told everyone I know that I was planning to murder him.
You know what the fun part is? I’m stuck working in the town where I went to highschool, so I get to see everyone I know on a monthly basis. And I do mean everyone. They walk past the tiny enclosed area where I work and ask me about all this crazy shit. And it doesn’t matter what I say, because they’ve already heard the lies. They all think i’m crazy. No matter what I say, they all have that sympathetic look on their face. Like I’m some sad, lost puppy that they can’t help.
Sometimes i’m mad and sometimes I just don’t care. I just want to take something to make me completely numb so I can leave all this behind without feeling guilt or anger. I already have a rough plan of what to do to end things. But I keep forgetting that when you’re dead nothing else will matter. I should stop worrying and just do it already I guess.
Well, hope this was entertaining to someone. Or something. I don’t know
What are you suppose to do when your bestfriend dates your ex-boyfriend? and when you have a boyfriend and kiss that same friend that is dating your ex?
I think I will start posting everyday that my depression acts up.
Ive been depressed since I was 3 years old on and off. It’s really quite odd though to think of a depressed three year old. Lately I’ve been getting worse though. I thought I had been cured of my depression for a while because I hadn’t felt it there. I think the reason I’m feeling depressed is because I stopped taking my antidepressants for a few days…. I know, not a smart choice.
Im gonna see my therapist at one o’clock today.
I haven’t seriously thought of suicide. I’ve cut myself quite badly though. The wounds are healing up nicely though. I’ve thought about how everyone would be better off without me. How I’ve ruined my family. I don’t deserve any of the people in my life because they are too good for me. I’ve thought of breaking up with my boyfriend because I love him so much that I know that losing him would surely kill me. He is too cleaver for that though. He would figure out that I’m sad again and try to help me. I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, I love him more than anything, he is the only reason im alive. Lately ive been wishing he would break up with me, ive tried to break up with him before but it never works, we both end up in tears and telling each other how much we love each other.The reason i wish we would break up is that i want to kill myself. i know i can not kill myself if he is in my life and still loves me. I wish i could just commit suicide and get it over with but i dont. I don’t want help anymore. I’ve tried to kill myself several times… Too many to count…. And I usually will end up in the pyhc unit at the hospital, costing my parents a small fortune (I’m 17). If I fail to kill myself I wouldn’t be able to cope with the consequences. That is why I am too scared to kill myself. I’m pathetic. I wish death on no one. I feel that people who are suicidal need help and can be helped. But I’m the outlier. I’m the exception to the rule. I can’t be helped anymore. I’m to scared to self harm too. I’m scared I will cut too deep and need stitches or get an infection. I don’t know what to do. I need help but I don’t want it. God I’m such a fuck up.
This may be long or short. I don’t know yet…and I apologize for my grammar ahead of time. I do have two college degrees but they aren’t doing me any good so no reason to try and type correctly, eh?
I have some vague memory of creating an account here at some point and I may have posted something. I was obviously drunk when I did. I have read a lot here and it has been quite awhile since I have visited. I was very serious about suicide last year and even made a few lame attempts…and nothing that got me landed in a psychiatric ward.
I am truly a worthless waste of space. The most important relationship in my life has bailed but I knew it was inevitable because he always was up and down and was a user. I spent so much money on him I guess to make him stay around. It worked for awhile. He threw me under the bus and I of course couldn’t handle my emotions so I humiliated myself…thus verifying any reason he may have had to throw me under the bus. I do wish he could feel just one ounce of the heartache I have lived with for years and the trauma…
The relationship with him started a tailspin that ultimately destroyed my somewhat happy life. If I had known, I never would have allowed this to happen. It’d take me ions to write exactly what and why and how…etc, but the pain is so awful I can hardly breathe and want to drop to my knees.
I was in an abusive marriage (which believe me, was 10 times easier and than what I have gone through). We separated but stayed friends after time passed. After we separated, I started to date the present guy who I knew was the love of my life…yada yada. And I am old enough to know better…even 5 years ago!!
I am going to spare the horrible details, but two years into dating him, I found out he was a drug addict. I was so blindly in love with him that I tried the drugs. Well, that didn’t go well. Within a month I had lost everything…job, sold my car…everything. It was then I could not get out of bed anymore. That has been almost 3 years ago. I became dependent on alcohol and only got out of bed if it meant seeing him. I always had to have money though and I drained every cent I had. He wasn’t very supportive and it just drove me deeper into self-hate and blame and misery.
My ex-husband was my friend so I’d drink with him a lot and we’d watch tons of movies at night and talk about life. Eventually he got tired of my moping (who wouldn’t?) and wanted me out of his life. At the same time, my boyfriend dumped me. This is when, last year, I decided suicide was my only option. I had no will to live. I had humiliated myself to the point of no return. My boyfriend helped to bring me into this and left me destitute and couldn’t care less. It was the coldness and cruelty of that action that made me not want to live. I literally gave everything and yes I’d take it all back if I could. It was so traumatic, it was like a form of PTSD.
Two months passes and I am so pathetic that I literally beg my ex to hang out with me. He had a lot of issues himself and ended up committing suicide in front of me. That was so tragic and awful and traumatic. It was just amazing to watch our lives take such a nose dive. And I regret the boyfriend. My ex was not upset about that as so much time had passed and he had had other relationships, he was just miserable. I wish I could have saved him or I wish he could have taken me with him. I begged him to kill me so many times.
The boyfriend shows back up and is great support for a long time and then the up and downs start again and he’s always wanting the money for the drugs. I have got to make him happy or he’ll leave me again..
It all got to be too much, so I put myself in rehab. I did very well and got healthy and back in shape. My complexion cleared up. I looked pretty again!!! Then, my boyfriend, yet again, I couldn’t stop being around him. So in a months time, my life has crashed again and he told me to leave him (of course after I paid a huge bill for him)…I feel so used, hurt, and alone. What else can I do for someone else? Why am I not worthy of being loved after all of this?? All these years?? I lived a reasonably happy life up until almost 3 years ago.
So, I just don’t want to be here anymore. Not because of him or what happened to my ex. I just don’t want to hurt anymore or know what others are thinking when they look at me. I’ve humiliated my family. Everything I have breaks. My car blew up in July…so that cost 3k to fix…the list just goes on and on.
I know the addiction might rear its ugly head at me again since it’s been 3 days since I drank and I will become anxious today wondering what he’s doing and where he’s at. I can’t sleep and I’ve been binge eating and am going several days without showers. I am just a nasty, worthless human and I don’t want to hurt anymore, but I am too big of a ***** to end my life. I do not own any guns and after witnessing a gun suicide, I don’t think I could do it that way. My only option seems like I just have to lay here and wait to die. I don’t want to get so drunk at some point in the future I black out or drive….or do something stupid. I am terrified of that as well. It’s just best I die. I really didn’t want my life to go this way.
Sorry I needed to vent. So many tragic things have happened and I know I am not alone nor am I having a pity party. I just wish I could get over my fear of the unknown and fear of the pain and get it over with.
my mother has hated me ever since she got with her boyfriend. together they gang up on me, and it’s like I can’t escape them. I just can’t take it anymore. I want to kill myself, but I want to make it painless. What are good methods that I could use to make it as painless as possible?
I’ve been meaning to post more often but most of the time I try to keep myself busy and try not to either cut or kill myself. Everyday.
Lately I’ve been feeling really, REALLY lonely and really wanting to find a boyfriend, but with my personality and me being very introverted and shy …. It’s really hard for me to approach really any guy or let any guy approach me … I’m just such a fail idk why I haven’t even attempted once more. Maybe this time it’ll work. Maybe I’ll fuck up myself even more. Who knows?
So I’m the type of person who is super neat and clean and always does work before play. I’m really good about getting my homework etc. done ahead of time, and pretty much love to work really hard with everything I do and tend to be an overachiever. I have had a bad day or two every now or then where I just slack off because I’m not in the mood or my depression is just getting the best of me, but its never held be back like this before. my rooms a mess, I haven’t touched my homework in a week or so and i’m not eating regularly. I’m having ridiculous mood swings that are overwhelming, and I had a little PTSD episode the other day for something my boyfriend did, that wasn’t bad or anything, it just reminded me of my mom. (whom I no longer talk to because I’ve been emancipated) I really don’t wanna ask for medical help, but I feel like i’m not recovering from this rut i’m stuck in right now and its just going to get worse from here. My boyfriend suggested I go with him to see his therapist. I haven’t given him a solid YES or NO yet, because I have issues with therapists and really really hate to talk to people, especially strangers about my problems, and I also feel like it wont make a difference, because it hasn’t in the past. What do you think I should do? Should I go see the therapist?
Also .. I’m so sexually frustrated and miss the feel of having a boyfriend and being able to go out and just spend time with them and kiss them and what not …
Sorry I had to let it out … Cuz literally … the sexual frustration is intense ..
To think that she would like me. Who would? Or could? I can’t and won’t.
I was almost convinced she did.
I tried to get to know her, slowly it was working, she appeared to be reciprocating; smiling, laughing etcetera. After a while we got to texting. It was nice for a few messages but then she told me she had to call her boyfriend.
Ripped my heart out, though it’s not her fault and I don’t blame her. I just thought we had stuff in common and we’d get along.
Every one said we’d be good together.
I guess she’ll haunt my dreams now.
They’re so loud…the whispers of demons.
I can’t hear my own thoughts at times, and they think I’m just spacing out..going insane.
But when I cut, there’s just silence. It stops. As long as the pain is there, the demons stop. They hide in the corners of my mind, eyeless creatures, hypnotized by the taste of pain. But I can hear..I can hear my friends, my boyfriend, and I can put my mask back on and pretend to be happy again.
But when I’m sober, they’re so loud….the whispers of demons.
i dont see the point in why i even woke up today. haven’t been awake 30 minutes and already i feel like shit. get called a bum by my brothers boyfriend and of cores my brother thinks its funny. my next door neighbors are laughing at me while im crying saying “i hope she kills herself” while they are calling me a child molester with an std and thats probably the reason why im depressed, and my mother (who i love dearly) just thinks that i can flip a switch in my head that turns it all off and makes it stop. the only people i can tell any of this to is you guys, because if i tell anyone else im faking it and im trying to get attention. i cant be happy because im not good enough to be happy, i cant be sad and depressed because im not good enough for that eather, and then when i try to pretend like im ok and i put a smile on my face im fake and im trying to get attention. damned if you do damned if you dont. like i said only two options i have is to sit and rot away or just kill myself and die. unfortunately there is something inside of me that says i dont want to die even tho the rest of me is saying whats the point. thats probably natural. god said “im going to give you life, im going to make you want to stay alive, and im going to make you suffer for it, i want to see how much you can take, i want to see how long you can last before you decide to end your life.”